The Rock kinda sorta rules

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You ever think that you just have too much going on in life and that a long vacation is what is truly in order? Well, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson would probably disagree.  In fact, The Rock probably tries to come up with ways of changing the laws of science to increase the amount of seconds in a minute, minutes in an hour and hours in a day just to get more things done. Isn’t it time for The Rock to take the place f Chuck Norris as the official American badass?

Screw Chuck Norris and his lazy Total Gym physique and Just For Men beard. He has nothing on The Rock’s work ethic.  How many movies does Chuck Norris have releasing this year? Go ahead look it up? Done? Yeah he doesn’t have as many as Rock has in the next four months. Television shows? Yup, Rock beats him there as well.  In fact, Rock laps Chuck Norris on talk show appearances alone let alone having an actual scripted television program.

Sport entertainment championships? Chuck Norris never even sniffed one let alone held one after ten years of inaction. Hell Chuck Norris can’t even take a karate movie again without attaching himself to Sly Stallone’s jock. It is ridiculous. So, in order to help you all out here is a brief Rock viewing guide for the next few months just to help you keep it all straight.

SNITCH : February 22, 2013

Snitch is supposedly based on a true story so obviously it will be based off of true events. This is a Hollywood way of taking a boring story and making it way more interesting, cough, Argo.  Who knew Susan Sarandon still made movies? From the preview I can’t tell if that is Rock’s wife or friend but if it is his wife it confirms his fetish for older women both on screen and off.

G.I.JOE RETALIATION  :  March 28, 2013

All right look, the first G.I. Joe movie was offensive on every level. If they would have replaced all of the most beloved characters with retarded children and slingshots it would have made more sense and been far more compelling. This time around though it looks like they captured G.I. Joe as it was written for the comics. Ninja sword fights while repelling off a mountain? Yes please. The Rock hiding in a well while The Pit is attacked by a Cobra lead government? Sure it looks like they wiped out the entire G.I. Joe Force from the preview but then who cares? They didn’t introduce too many characters you should care about anyway. R.I.P. black Ripcord. Hopefully you find a peaceful afterlife with black Bongo the Bear.

PAIN AND GAIN : April 26, 2013

This is a Michael Bay movie. I don’t care how much money his movies make they aren’t good. All style no substance. Actually it is fitting they make money. People liked the halftime show at the Super Bowl after all.

But the king of all Rock movies by far and without peer has to be Fast & Furious 6 coming out on May 24, 2013. The Fast and Furious franchise has gotten more and more unapologetically ridiculous with each installment. They have also gotten belter with each new flick.  Did you see the Super Bowl spot? A pseudo-Decepticon flipping cars at will? A tank running over sports cars on a secluded desert road? Why? Well, why the hell not? What not enough? Ok then, how about sports cars tethering themselves to a military grade transport and dragging it to the ground? Still not enough? Well then Vin Diesel busts out of the front cone while it bursts in to flames?  Dom and Hobbs performing the Doomsday Device on one of their foes; Gina Caarano and Michelle Willams slugging it out; Paul Walker standing around looking doe eyed?  What more can you ask for? -Jeremy

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2 Responses

  1. Chuck Norris is the Mac Daddy of action. The Rock is a by product of what Chuck Norris has done for entertainment. Plus Chuck is a vet and a True American Hero.

  2. The Rock is the new American action hero.

    And there’s nothing wrong with Beyonce and Michael Bay – nothing says Americana like ass shaking and explosions

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