Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

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Jeremy mentioned to me that I didn’t need to do this column any more. I hadn’t realized I had brought the idea up myself not all that long ago when we were talking about adding content. When he reminded me today about it, I felt offended. I don’t know why it did. I only started this column because of our trip to Wrestlemania XXVII. I still want to do it because it’s still the biggest wrestling show. But I may not go full on blog style. We’ll see. Let’s roll.

John Cena makes a deal with CM Punk for his Wrestlemania spot. CM Punk takes the deal on his terms. Um, Cena doesn’t need to take the counter offer. Nice of them to give us a week of build up.

Sheamus tries to talk sense in Ryback. Chris Jericho becomes the voice of reason and puts over the Shield. And the WWE. More chest slapping and creepy staring. Sin Cara gets to lose very quickly to Mark Henry. For some reason, the Great Khali comes out to save Sin Cara from the post match beat down. Henry blows him off. I love the mocking.

We get another Miz vs Antonio Cesaro match. I haven’t watched a single Fandango vignette. We’ve got the dancing Khali, Tensai and Brodus Clay. Do we really need another dancer in the WWE? My vote is absolutely no. The Miz is being tough guy holding out from the injury. Be smart like Punk, Miz and take a week off. Dear lord, Mitchell Cool thinks Cesaro is speaking German. Jerry Lawler calls him on it but doesn’t go at him hard. The Miz wins by figure four. Weak. Zeb Colter gets to do a home video with Jack Swagger. The Mexicans are invading. Jack Swagger agrees. Weak trolling by the WWE.

Daniel Bryan is wrestling Jack Swagger. Bryan is a high class jobber when he’s in a singles match. Kane doesn’t like snakes. Randy Orton likes them. Decent knocks on Kane’s character. Vickie Guerrero tries to aggravate Paul Heyman. We get no conclusion to that story. It’s not a cliff hanger guys.

Dolph Ziggler takes on Alberto Del Rio so that he can be a high class jobber. A commercial again? Colter is pointing shit out during a reverse chin lock. Do you think it was “Them Mexicans even take a siesta during their own matches?” Ziggler kicked out of the low super kick. Cool tries to hype the Paul Heyman news. Ziggler grabs the rope after a back stabber. Del Rio wins by cross arm breaker. Big E Langston assaulted Del Rio and shouted “It’s over for you.” Ricardo Rodriguez runs off with the briefcase. Del Rio recovers. Zeb can’t xenophobia up Ziggler so no drama in that.

Wade Barrett was in a movie. Terrance Howard and Colin Ferrall are in it. Hot diggity that was a long trailer. Sheamus runs him down because losing to Bo Dallas wasn’t quite enough. Tensai, Brodus Clay & Naomi are taking on Rosa Mendes, Epico & Primo. Double splash win. The WWE sucks. Wrestlemania next year is in New Orleans. We might have a trip on our hands.

Jack Swagger gets more mic time. Actually, Zeb Colter gets it. The crowd doesn’t give a care. They can’t even get a chant together. Del Rio deserves this shit show for his Wrestlemania spot. He doesn’t deserve that belt so let him suffer. Daniel Bryan has to lose to this clown. I’m glad to see that six months away from the ring involved Swagger’s offensive moves. Zeb points at Bryan’s injured ankle. Brady Hoke points at things.

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Vickie Guerrero is not wasting any time with Paul Heyman. She is naming a new assistant for herself. It’s Brad Maddox. He’s growing on me but the crowd is still apathetic. Vince McMahon is Heyman’s surprise. Firing is always too good for the heel. One legged Vince wants to have a fight.

We have our mostly rematch from Elimination Chamber. Brogue Kick sends us into the commercial. I wasn’t paying much attention. Sheamus taking the beat down is a bit of a surprise. Would have pegged Jericho for that role. Ryback on the hot tag and the crowd finally wakes up. Reigns spears Ryback during Shellshock. The match marches on with Ryback taking the beat down. The crowd is digging Y2J also. He did suggest the match. Ambrose gets put in the Walls of Jericho. Seth Rollins blind sides Jericho. Ambrose gets the pin. Nice of Jericho to be a high class jobber.

Kofi Kingston gets to lose to Damien Sandow. He assaults Kingston before the bell. R Truth makes the save. Interesting in a very mild sense. Another tag match to get people on the card of WM? Josh Matthews gets to interview people from G.I. Joe Retaliation. It felt so forced. I wish that preview was as long as the last one.

Adrianne Palicki is worth Googling.

Adrianne Palicki is worth Googling.

Why did Fandango get another segment? Kane takes on Randy Orton in a match of high class jobbers. Lawler starts to babble about Orton doing things on instinct like a snake. Most interesting part of the match so far. Daniel Bryan causes another loss for Kane. At least Lawler & Cool point out the hypocrisy of Bryan. I guess they’re losing the straps or are the champs heading to Wrestlemania fighting each other with the belts?

The Rock was not going with the WWE Championship. It should never spin. I thought it stopped doing that a while ago. We get a new championship that is ruined by cheesy-ass brahma bulls on the side of it. Rock, nothing can be timeless when anyone’s stupid logo is on it. John Cena interrupting wakes me up. Punk attacks him with the old belt. Looks like we’re getting a three way at Wrestlemania kids. -Kevin

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