Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

undertaker-buried-alive

Never a good day to go to a funeral. No one is coming back after months of resting an injury. That’s all she wrote man. Profound, huh? I’m not so I’m not going to pretend. Enjoy your time here. I’ll feel a little bit better after mocking the WWE for about three hours. Let’s roll.

Vince McMahon starts the show. He’s kind of got a Joker like suit on. Paul Heyman comes dressed for a fight. I love the people in the front row clapping about the Romo joke. Brock Lesnar shows up again. HHH shows up with a buzz cut. You need to have HHH win and he does. Predictable stuff.

Dolph Ziggler is taking on Ryback. Big E Langston & AJ Lee are at ring side. I’ve been on the phone the whole segment. It has not changed how much I taped. Big E comes into play. It doesn’t matter though. Loss 1 million for Ziggler.

CM Punk tells us tonight is about him. I’m even starting to tune out him. Donald Trump is the newest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame.

I’m off the phone but completely uninterested in Mark Henry vs the Great Khali XX. We get it, Henry can World’s Strongest Slam Khali. The Marine III looks terrible. If that’s the best you can do, stop trying.

Miz TV is next with Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rio & Ricardo Rodriguez. It goes as expected. I was explaining Swagger to Baby Momma Drama so I missed the specifics. Whatever.

Randy Orton takes on Antonio Cesaro. Let’s see if I can type more than two sentences about it. RKO out of nowhere because Orton needs to beat an up and comer just to keep his quasi-main event status. He’s got no direction right now. Brad Maddox & Vickie Guerrero talk Daniel Bryan & Kane into a match with the Prime Time Players. Not their best work. Team Brickie does have a nice ring to it. This JBL/John Cena commercial is pretty funny. They have the perfect people in the roles.

Sheamus is out to give us his Oscar snubs. Thanks for helping to get us some extra hits for mentions of unrelated material. Oh, it’s funny man Sheamus plugging the movie Barrett is in for five seconds. This is bombing. Wade Barrett is here to save us. He did well but didn’t blow me away.

Damien Sandow gets to watch his best buddy Cody Rhodes lose to a returning R Truth. He looked terrible. Truth was blown up five seconds into that one. Sandow gets tossed after a sneak attack. We get another Zeb & Swagger video. Haven’t they gotten enough time already?

For some reason, Kane lets Daniel Bryan start the match. Kane buries the Prime Time Players once and for all with a choke slam. Nice knowing you Titus O’Neil & Darren Young. You’ll get your own so called eulogy soon.

The Shield mosey on down to the ring for another promo. No peace until their is justice. Dean Ambrose gets the first chair. Roman Reigns is second. Bone dust. Everything is coming up death today. Seth Rollins solved the John Cena problem. Sheamus comes out to the ramp for a fight. Randy Orton RKO’s Rollins. They’re turning the tables on the Shield. I guess we’re seeing another WM match forming. Sheamus, Orton & the Shield mentioned Chris Jericho. I heard him slated for Ziggler who is a giant question mark. I’m done complaining on his behalf.

The Miz gets to lose to Jack Swagger. At least the Miz took JBL’s advice and took off the shoulder wrap. Everything is completely different after his six months off for Swagger except for his move set. They are letting Miz take a beating in this one. Better than a squash match. Swagger wins with the Patriot Lock. Am I wrong in thinking they said Act in previous weeks?

I FF thru a lot of garbage to get to a standard John Cena promo. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming. He started goofy, went serious then kind of went weird. Our time is now? Huh?

I play catch up in the time department for the start of the main event. It just dawned on me that Dallas, if memory serves, is usually one of the better crowds. They are rocking during this match but they haven’t made much of an impression on me. Did Mitchell Cool just call CM Punk a veteran? Yes he did. Punk is in control after the break though. Electric chair by Cena. I keep wondering if there is a surprise at the end of this match. I think Punk weasels his way into a three way main event at Wrestlemania. Punk ducks the second shoulder block. Smart move. Has he done that before? Another commercial break. About 15 minutes behind live. Punk gets the Anaconda Vice on. Cena rolls him into a pin. These guys put on a good show. Glad they’re giving it plenty of time. STF into an Anaconda Vice. Fun reverses. Thanks for proving my point like instantly guys. A crowd of 17+ thousand? Big one. It will not be close to capacity at Raw in April. What a weird sequence with the high knee into the Attitude Adjustment. I tape until 11:10. Cena does the super man barely get in the ring. Blech. Cena kicks out of a GTS. Okay, Cool did call a cross face an STF earlier. I doubted myself for some reason. Punk nails a pile driver but Super Cena kicks out. Punk misses the top rope elbow. Another Attitude Adjustment for the win. Glad it was clean. Great match aside from the almost count out. -Kevin

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