Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Socrates You're Drunk

It’s the go home show for Wrestlemania. I had no idea that “Go Home, You’re Drunk” was a meme. I’m not exactly excited by this show. In fact, when I heard Michelle Beadle and Sam Roberts talking about it on After Opie & Anthony Live talking about how excited they were for Wrestlemania since it’s in “New York City” that I wanted to puke. All I could think to myself was “They have got to be putting up a facade to get interviews.” Maybe some people are enjoying this build up. I don’t know how though. I’ll save more of those thoughts for a written preview because I know I can’t rope Jeremy into a match by match preview like we’ve done in years past. Let’s roll.

We’ve got a Shawn Michaels tease to start. I have to explain Paul Bearer to my woman. She hasn’t watched in a while. John Cena gets to start us off in the ring. She just told me that the crowd no sold Cena’s Johnson joke. Good for them. There’s just nothing new here. John, you don’t need to sell us on your win. There’s way too much money in a part III.

Okay, Jeremy warned me about the same old matches. Naturally, the first match is a rerun. Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show get to squash 3MB. The blank check joke from Lawler gets no sold by Cole & JBL. Good for them. Three finishers. The Shield starts walking down from the crowd. They get their promo time instead of ring time.

Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter are stopping traffic. I think. I definitely saw a biker go past them. My woman is unenthused about Wrestlemania already. We The People. Matt Striker might be an upgrade. Alberto Del Rio gives us the same speech he’s given before.

Dolph Ziggler doesn’t get an entrance because he’s not important. Daniel Bryan is taking him on. The match is occurring while I set the table again. I can’t remember though if it’s a tag team match or a six person at Wrestlemania. It’s a tag team match. The guys are putting on a good match in the mean time. If someone is surprised, they haven’t watched much wrestling. Dolph with the cheap roll up. Post match beat down by Big E Langston. The switch for him on Kane was a nice touch. Hey, two positive things!

Shawn Michaels gets to give us a Wrestlemania run down. He tells us about the three important matches. HHH interrupts him before he can go anywhere. Michaels got to skip the goofy part of the promo. He delivers a great promo. Brock Lesnar comes down but Paul Heyman does all of the talking. Another good build up. What the hell is going on, you’re blowing up my theory.

The Miz and Wade Barrett get a special match on Youtube and Facebook. The Miz is in the booth. Barrett gets to squash Zack Ryder. I feel bad for him even more. Ryder is adding muscle and he still isn’t getting anywhere. The WWE wouldn’t be on Youtube if it weren’t for him. Well, they’d probably would have gotten there but he sped things up. The Miz didn’t over do the suit today. Bull Hammer Elbow. Brad Maddox is talking to Vickie Guerrero. Santino gives us the news that Vince McMahon is in the arena. April Fool’s joke. I wasn’t even thinking about that possibility. Marella gets a match out of it.

Mark Henry gets to squash Santino. Welcome back! World’s Strongest Slam. Ryback comes out to the ring. Henry grabs the mic. Crazy that he’s about to carry a segment. My woman just informed me that she only likes Ryback’s ass but thinks the rest of his is ugly. Ryback uses Santino as a battering ram. Nice back and forth on that stipulation manipulation. Undertaker is going to verbally eviscerate CM Punk. He gets the mic first though and throws down a nice little promo.

Zeb Colter comes out to wrestle Alberto Del Rio but Jack Swagger attacks Ricardo Rodriguez. Mitchell Cool gets to look terrible as JBL yells at him.

The Rock comes out. For some reason, I wasn’t expecting him. His campaign for president is already better than anything Cena did. The rest of the speech is pretty standard though. The crowd sure does love him.

Chris Jericho and Antonio Cesaro both aren’t important since neither of them got entrances. Who can argue when Fandango is in a feud with Jericho? I’m guessing Cesaro will be involved in a Facebook match. They get a longer match because of a Fandango interruption. My woman was going off on how gay Fandango looks. She couldn’t have been more correct when they show him holding the score cards. Cesaro is starting to become a lower rung Dolph Ziggler. Good matches, no improvement on the card despite it. Jericho drop kicks Fandango Cesaro can’t take advantage. Walls of  Jericho. Fandango assault. You Can’t Wrestle!

The dancing bozos come out before another commercial. Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow come out. Oh, it’s just a match between the ladies. Nice enziguri by Naomi. Cameron is on fire. They’re better than either of the Bellas. I know that’s not saying much. Bella reversal of a pin without twin magic.

It didn’t dawn on me that Undertaker and CM Punk were going to be the main event tonight. The druids appear without Taker’s summoning. Paul Heyman is in white face with a fat suit. Taker looks at the druids. Punk ambushes Taker anyway. Punk nails him in the gut and back with the urn. In trying to generate more heat for Punk, the crowd seems to be going the support Undertaker route. Punk pours out sand. I hope they don’t expect us to think that was ashes. Weird end. -Kevin

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