Jeremy’s Monthly Movies for April 2013

Film-Reels-1986

Have you ever wanted some expert guidance on just what you should spend your hard earned cash on at the movies? Do you have no trust for legitimate print or internet critics? Well then why not take the word of some schlep that has seen too many movies in his brief life? With so many movies released each week it can become rather daunting to keep track of them all. So, in the interest of simplifying your life I am here to help you decide what you should see at the movies with a quick week by week pick em. We are starting with March even though there are only a few weeks left. The idea may not be up to date but the opinions will be. So get to watching and reading. You have any qualms or suggestions for movies I missed then by all means let me know. Leave a comment or hit me up @grannymaes on Twitter.

Evil Dead – April 5, 2013

Look if you haven’t seen the first red band trailer for the new “Evil Dead” you need to watch it right now. Yes it is near blasphemy to remake “Evil Dead” but this looks to be an entirely new spin on it. Gone are the quirks and cuteness of the original. In its place is nonstop gore and suspense. This looks like a very uncomfortable movie to watch and not for the gore aspect. Sure it is unsettling but after a while you eventually find yourself unfazed. What this looks to rely on is actual suspense. We all know the story so there shouldn’t be too many surprises outside of Ash not being the lead. Yeah calm down it is perfectly ok since no one could ever replace Bruce Campbell. As a rule I never attend horror movies in a theatre. One reason is that I am a giant pussy and want to cover my eyes in the privacy of my own home. The other reason is that most horror movies are garbage and not with the inflated price to actually go to the theatre. This one may be wearing me down though but I will still be a giant pussy watching.
It’s a Disaster- April 12, 2013

David Cross and Julia Styles? Um, yes please. Now there is no chance I will see this around here since Greenville is the culture black hole of the south. So, look out for one of my One Paragraph movie Reviews later this year. Anyway I really like the premise. Instead of everyone freaking out they calmly drink themselves silly and party. Well, until it all falls apart inevitably and they ruin it with morality or something stupid to give us a lesson. Was that Ugly Betty banging on a pot and drink straight from a liquor bottle? Damn.
Oblivion- April 19, 2013

Look, Tom Crusie is an absolute animal. The guy is in his fifties and he makes action movies look like a piece of pie. Regardless of his personal life the man just knows what it takes to make a good movie. Sure he has some clunkers along the way but then what successful actor doesn’t? “Oblivion” reminds me of a cross of “Planet of The Apes” and “Wall-E”. Monuments are destroyed and the world is in tatters so all the humans up and left. Cruise is left behind to tend the planet and fix drones for some reason. Yeah, the premise seems a tad shoddy and if you haven’t yet it may be better served to stay away from the later trailers as, par the course now, it gives away too much. Out of all of the flicks releasing in April this one stands on top. Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman and a load of sci-fi visuals? Yup, sign me up.

Lords of Salem- April 19, 2013

I have loved the look of every Rob Zombie movie he has directed/produced. He has a good eye for keeping even inaction interesting which is not easy to accomplish. The problem with all Rob Zombie movies is that he sacrifices story, character and pacing for gore and shock.  He hasn’t found the right mixture of both to make a solid film. Generally his movies turn in to non-stop swearing and blood when there is no reason for it. This being said, I am not sure what to make of “Lords of Salem.” It has the same visual flair of his previous movies and he has teamed with some successful producers so anticipation is a tad high that he finally found his balance. As the trailer goes on though there are definitely places where you can see that the wheels may fall off in “Insidious” fashion.  So consider this guarded excitement for this flick. The fact it comes out after “Evil Dead” may hurt its business but then a movie making money and being crap is kind of what happens in the States anyway.
Pain & Gain- April 26, 2013

Speakign of crap that still makes money it is time for another Michael bay fiesta. Look we all know Michael Bay movies are style over substance and “Pain and Gain” looks to be no different.  The only reason this gets a mention is in keeping with the theme of new Dwayne  The Rock” Johnson movies that are releasing this year. So you could say I am anticipating this film but it would be for all the wrong reasons. Judging by the trailer, and really if you haven’t figured it out by now this is what all of these are based off of, we are going to be force fed more unnecessary slow motion shots and sprawling crane shots for no reason. If this movie doesn’t include at least one guy jumping off of a roof top in to a pool or a truck then it is an abject failure. On a positive note everyone looks to be in very good shape.

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