Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

stumped-me-big-timeI pulled a stump out of my brother’s rental property this past weekend. It made me think that I’m stumped about a lot of things these days. How come Baby Momma Drama isn’t living here but still has all of his stuff here. I’m stumped as to why Idiot Intern didn’t say anything today after an impromptu vacation which screwed one of our fellow employees. Or why my employer didn’t say anything for such a blatant disregard of protocol. I’m also stumped as to why we haven’t had a post since my article about local beer. Oh well, fresh content. Let’s roll.

Daniel Bryan comes out to talk about his rubber match with Randy Orton which was weirdly introduced by the announce crew who got jammed in after the walk down and before Bryan started talking. Orton finally comes down. They start the match with a quickness. A promo and match in the opening segment. The WWE can break the cycle sometimes. Of course the match ends shortly after it begins. This match is too big to be on free TV. First time I’ve been interested in Orton in ages.

Brickie is excited. Bryan is pissed about the double DQ. Vickie gives him the match with Orton. Vince McMahon shows up. He makes confusing remarks about Bryan. Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow are waiting in the ring. Sheamus & Christian are their opponents. My woman is not pleased by the match up because it is repetitive. I’m paying more attention to the announcers pontificating about their online shows. I’m not watching your extra shit. Brogue Kick. Snooze.

Is CM Punk rocking Beats by Dre? Yes he is. Punk has a match but against an unnamed opponent. Kaitlyn is taking on Aksana. They’re on a tear showing. Hey, funny what a concerted effort can do (Edit: For the women’s division. The WWE has featured them since right before Payback). AJ Lee goes for the fake outfit. I guess it’d be redundant for her to use a midget. Kaitlyn with a spear. AJ’s taunt backfires. The reenactment (Edit: of Kaitlyn’s gullibility) is lame until AJ cracks the joke about Kaitlyn’s voice. I’m not sure why Layla isn’t letting Kaitlyn beat the hell out of AJ. All of this content is being made by the WWE but the Wyatts’ can’t get a fresh vignette?

We go back thru Henry’s promo. I still don’t know how people bit on that segment. They started it with a Tweet! Damn fine work anyway. Chris Jericho comes out. Alberto Del Rio comes out after the break. Nothing happens even on the mics before the next break. They both love the enziguri. Jericho is really working up a lather. He isn’t looking like Bon Jovi right now. I don’t know if I still see what the WWE does in Del Rio, but he’s been marginally better so far in this heel incarnation. Jericho turns a cross arm breaker into the Walls of Jericho. Slick. Ricardo attacks. Dolph Ziggler attacks Del Rio as Jericho attacks Ricardo. Ziggler Zig Zags Del Rio & Jericho. What does happen to the AJ & Dolph partnership? No mention if they stay apart? Brickie is talking when HHH arrives. The power struggle continues. HHH does make a good point, Brad Maddox wears his dress shirts awfully tight.

My woman and I wonder about the Sheamus commercial which has the old lady trying to molest him? I mean, assault is too strong. There isn’t any other way to construe that, right? Kid’s programming, right? Vickie Guerrero & Jerry Lawler bicker over their sponsor that is getting a big old commercial right now. Vickie has all three McMahon’s on her cover. Maddox presents himself with John Cena & CM Punk. Nice. Of course it’s the Rock. Good for him.

Ryback gets to beat the king of main event jobbers, the Great Khali. Only interesting part of the match is the double march before his weak ass Shellshock.

John Cena comes out to give us a history lesson. It leads to his point that Mark Henry made a mockery of people who had to retire. I liked it but the ending was weak. My Time is Now? Really? I know it’s on your shirt but it’s a bad catch phrase. Some paid gave money to Sandy Relief to be part of the Funkasaurus entrance. Good for him.

Tons of Funk are taking on 3MB and the Usos for a shot at the WWE Tag Team Titles. I’ll be surprised if the Usos don’t win. They’ve popped their heads up a couple of times recently and they’d be a good athletic fit against The Shield. One of them kicks out against the Tensai splash. Superfly by the other Uso for the win. The Shield shows up. It’s just posturing.

Paul Heyman invites CM Punk down to the ring. Punk runs down his history with Heyman. Paul points out the Lesnar mention in Punk’s out burst last week. Heyman says their feud has been simmering for a while. Heyman professes his love for Punk. He ends up hugging Heyman. Punk ends with an interesting expression.

Darren Young takes on CM Punk. How random. JBL notes that Roger Federer lost today. Damn yo, they were mentioning that Centre Court was a bad place for returning champs. Didn’t know it ended up being straight sets bad. (Edit: Jeremy told me that it was Rafael Nadal that lost. Confirmed by Yahoo! Sports. I swear JBL said Federer. Maybe I was checked out.) Darren Young gets extra offense because of a “confused” Punk. He ends up getting the tap out on the Anaconda Vice. Nice play toward the MMA background. Curtis Axel attacks Darren Young. Punk takes out Titus O’Neil. Stephanie gets her crack at Vickie Guerrero. At least it was short.

I’m not sure if my woman is going to do a column on Totally Divas or not. I have brought the idea up from time to time. Stephanie gets to introduce the participants. CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, Christian, Kane and RVD. That’s an awful lot of babyfaces in one match. Ryback snorts at at Brickie. Ryback wants a rematch at MITB instead of Mark Henry. Chris Jericho deserves more. Jericho calls him out as a cannibal. They have a match at MITB. Jericho gets to job again.

Paul Heyman talks CM Punk down. He will be teaming with Curtis Axel next week. Punk wants his championship back. Mark Henry fooled everyone. Except for me. He mocks the fans. This Henry promo is hilarious. Mark Henry goes serious and says he’s coming home with the championship. I’m guessing after MITB now for a debut?

Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton are in a Street Fight. Boy, I wonder why they brawled to start the show. This match isn’t getting enough time unless they run over really far. Why do Orton’s feuds always have a bunch of matches before a PPV? Oh no, Bryan now has the controlled frenzy moniker. RIP Kofi Kingston. Nice power bomb onto the table by Bryan. Mitchell Cool gets the bad job of having to talk about the dumbest part of the Street Fight rules, you need to be pinned in the ring. Release suplex that Bryan has to kick to make sufficient contact with it. Orton’s drop kick breaks up a slug fest. Orton working the crowded showed that this match is just missing something. It’s not terrible but it’s missing something. Orton taps with a kendo stick to the face. Wow, big win for Bryan. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t get the MITB. Orton shakes his hand and leaves. Orton showing some emotion leaving the ring. -Kevin

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