Randy Orton “attacked” by “fan” in South Africa, I use quotation marks

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE superstar and mid-main-eventer Randy Orton was attacked by a fan at a house show in Cape Town, South Africa. The video above looks like fan-cam footage (can we even call it that anymore since no one uses a “camera”?), but it was posted to WWE’s own YouTube page. Why in the hell would they draw attention to a fan attacking one of their top babyfaces, other than to show us that anyone can do it, so we might as well do it, too! (September 2 in Des Moines, hurry up and get here, I got some low-blowin’ to do!)

Furthermore, look at the defensive stance this putz takes after hitting Orton from behind. Kicking his feet behind him like a 170-pound bull. Sticking his chest out like he’s a great big man. Give me a break. Either this delusional fan thinks that’s how real people real fight, or WWE doesn’t know how to book a fan-attack angle. IIRC, Steve Blackman jumped the rail with 2 kendo sticks and a pair of wrestling boots on. But my memory is shitty these days. Come on, guys, get your story straight. In Hollywood, they call this continuity person a “show runner.” I learned this by watching commentary tracks on “The Simpsons” DVDs, so I’m really Johnny In the Know. You need to hire one. I can be one. I have a fantastic memory.

Stunt Granny Audio #228

The type of young athlete TNA needs to be pushing.

The type of young athlete TNA needs to be pushing.

There’s a whole heap of things to talk about this week, and Kevin and Dusty are the only people adequately prepared to do so! And boy do they ever, starting off with some Monday Night Raw discussion. Dusty is sick of having McMahon family reunions on his television screen. Kevin is confused by the whole thing and wonders if they really think they’re knocking it out of the park with these segments. Dusty is also sick of Michael Cole on commentary, and Jerry Lawler as well, but has no idea how to fix that problem. Is there anyone from another wrestling company worth bringing in? Should WWE look outside the wrestling business?

Then they turn their attention to the mess that is TNA. How long can a company be going out of business before actually going out of business? Do they realize how bad they look by getting rid of so many people and then teasing a surprise appearance for the next show? Did a throwaway reality show really beat their show in the ratings? Did Dixie Carter really call Taeler Hendrix fat? Does she prefer that Angelina Love 35 pounds look? Does she realize Mickie James isn’t exactly a size zero right now herself? Also, the Main Event Mafia is a stale idea that means nothing to anyone, it’s really hard to feel bad for Samoa Joe, James Storm should be in WWE, and a whole lot more! We don’t think you’re too heavy to listen to it, so go for it!

Stunt Granny Movie Review: The Wolverine

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I asked my wife her thoughts on The Wolverine shortly after we finished watching the movie.  Her response was simple yet telling – she enjoyed the film and characters, was able to follow the action and story, and had an overall entertaining experience.  She wasn’t a comic fan, hadn’t watched any of the other films, and barely knew anything about Wolverine.  Normally that would cause confusion and frustration in a comic movie, but in this case, she was given freedom to enjoy the film for its own merits. An ironic thing these days…

This movie came with more baggage than a displaced United jetliner.  A sequel to The Last (aka the movie that murdered/ruined/damaged the franchise) as well as a follow up to X-Men Origins (aka the film which may be worse than the Last Stand).  A solo story starring Wolverine, played by Hugh Jackman played for the 6th time, or 1 more time than Robert Downey Jr has played Iron Man.  James Mangold (3:10 to Yuma, Walk The Line) replacing Darren Aronofsky, thus dredging up dour memories of Brett Ratner replacing Matthew Vaughn and giving us the Juggernaut meme we’ve never asked for.  A predominantly foreign cast consisting of two models (RIla Fukushima & Tao Okamoto) making their film debuts as the female leads; Hiroyuki Sanada aka the Japanese guy from the Last Samurai that wasn’t in Inception; Will Yun Lee, best known for starring in Elektra, Torque & Die Another Day (trifecta of mediocre action films) and a tall Russian who replaced Jessica Biel.  Add all of these ingredients to the fact that the X-Men film franchise has been polarizing at best, and sacrilege to the many members of nerd community, and it could’ve been a trainwreck.  Instead, it served as one of the best films in the franchise, and certainly the most thoughtful and grounded.

Instead of going the usual route of giving a synopsis and description, I decided to use the bullet point system on why the film works, as well as tackle certain criticisms of the film.  If you’re reading this, you either already have a general idea about what the film is about, or you’re going in as a neophyte, in which point I won’t spoil you with mundane details.

One of the hardest things to accomplish is a superhero film that isn’t an origin story nor a follow up to an origin story.  Often fatigue sets in toward the character, which leads to more action and characters being thrown into the mix to add spice to the franchise.  Sometimes it works (Iron Man 3, Dark Knight Rises), but usually it morphs into a toxic trainwreck of noise and nonsense (Spider Man 3, X-Men:The Last Stand, Blade Trinity).  The Wolverine avoids that by making it a strictly stand alone solo film.  There are probably a total of 7 characters in the entire film that play an important role.  It doesn’t make the mistake of cramming in a zillion characters for misplaced fan service – instead it allows the story and individuals to breath and live.  This is the Hugh Jackman show, and this is his most honest and authentic portrayal of Wolverine to date: a sad, tortured asshole who is a killing machine, while also struggling to be a man.

Setting – it’s amazing that we were given a mainstream action film set in Japan, with a predominantly Japanese cast, often speaking non-subtitled Japanese.  The setting is effective in taking both Wolverine and the audience out of their comfort zone.  This is a thoughtful, often subtle movie, interspersed with mostly authentic action pieces.  Adapted from what may be the best Wolverine story written, it follows him on a journey of suffering and redemption, struggling to deal with the curse of immortality and loss, while acclimating to a new environment and potential new love.  It’s not the typical save the world or save the girl story.  Instead, we get a Wolverine dealing with the aftermath of killing Jean Grey (payed in haunting dream scenes by Famke Jannsen), trying to find a reason to live….and still kicking ass.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed review of #WWE #Raw

toilet-roomI sat here like an idiot for about twenty minutes trying to come up with an intro. No luck. I started thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom, it’d help. I didn’t have to drop the kids off though so why go in there? Fuck it. Plus, starting this early means I should catch up. Let’s roll.

After the recap, we get Brad Maddox being led to the ring by Vince McMahon. Does Vince think this is a good way to give Bryan a rub? Daniel Bryan comes out. Is this supposed to be his “Pipe Bomb” moment? Vince tells him he doesn’t have “Ruthless aggression” and neither does Cena. Spontaneous combustion, huh? That’s the punch line to your long winded crap? We get a big old Yes chant going at the end with a bewildered Vince. Wait, Vince left before the Shield made it to the ring? I’m disappointed. Vince deserved an ass kicking for that load of garbage.

Mark Henry starts against Dean Ambrose. Then Seth Rollins. Then Roman Reigns for the big “power” match up. So Jey gets a tag so that the Shield can have some offense eventually. The Usos & Henry are standing tall at the break. The Shield has looked pretty terrible so far. The Shield looks good while I go crazy looking for tweets about the Pirates. Holy cow did they just open up that game in the bottom of the 7th. Why did Ambrose not dodge that cross body? Makes no damn sense at all. But then Ambrose counters after being hurt. Makes even less sense. Ambrose with his take down DDT for the win. Do they call that something? I vote for the “Hand of Justice.” It was one of my favorite Magic cards. Ryback was backstage with a bunch of people trying to make some awkward small talk. Damn, that slap looked rough. Because all backstage people know how to flat back properly.

The Wyatt Family is getting more vignette than Will Ferrell got “Cow bell”. Kane wants to know where the Wyatts are. Brad Maddox tries to goad on Kane to more violence.

RVD gets to wait for Fandango‘s long ass entrance. I checked out my Twitter feed. I’ll pay attention to the Stunt Granny variety when I catch up. I’d like this match up more in a feud format. Rising young star versus old veteran. Fandango rolls out of the ring before RVD can hit the Five Star. Summer Rae & Fandango get counted out. There’s still hope to stretch this one out. AJ Lee is bitching to Big E Langston. Then she laughs to keep him from talking. They gave him a perfect out. Why is he putting up with that garbage without getting some? That’s a minimum to tolerate that, right? Are hand jobs a minimum?

Interesting to have the Diva’s Title match at the top of an hour. Kaitlyn is taking on AJ Lee again. AJ gets the upper hand pretty easily. Kaitlyn deserved that knee to head after that weak ass roll up. How is your power diva going for a non-power move. The crowd doesn’t care much. Kaitlyn with a spear to win. The crowd is sort of happy. AJ freaks out. My boy Dolph Ziggler shows up. He wants a match right now against Langston.They hit the commercial.

Okay, I keep on forgetting to mention that it sounds weird to not hear JBL. Ziggler gets his match with Langston. Big E  is using his power to beat down Ziggler. My boy isn’t getting much traction for his comeback. Is it because no one in their right mind thinks Langston will beat Ziggler? AJ Lee attacks Ziggler. Big E starts bitching out AJ. Good for you. Zig Zag is a bit of a dick move. John Cena is talking on his cell phone when Daniel Bryan walks in. I like Bryan calling him a liar. Good stuff. Much better than the open.

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Matt Hardy is getting married

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You know how I know that? That thing I wrote, above, in the headline? It’s because there exists a website called http://skyhardwedding.com/, that’s why.

And so I’ll let you peruse that site at your leisure, and you can form your own opinions on the contents therein, but please allow me one split second on my soap box, just for one second.

Ahem.

All athletes who get married are idiots. You’re roaming around the countryside, going from town to town, state to state, you’ve got rats in every town (I’ve seen Bull Durham, it’s not just wrestling that that happens), there is almost a zero percent chance of a marriage working when you’re a “famous” professional athlete. Ask John Cena, he’ll tell you that there’s no way he would consider getting married again. Oh. Oops.

So, not that I would expect any sparking brain cells from that drug addled small penised belt collecting, job refusing fuckhead, but at least he’ll be able to afford a nice ceremony on that ROH money he’s bringing in.

And PS, fuck Bull Durham. Bad movie, and I love the DH. Makes baseball more exciting. Suck it. – Dusty

Total Divas – She Said (He Edited)

Total-Divas

Since the craze of reality television I tend to jump on the crazy train of reality television from time to time. I’ve gone from the early seasons of The Real World, to Keeping up w/the Kardashians (which was very short lived in my television watching) to the Jersey Shore and finally to the Housewives of Beverly Hills and New Jersey. Each one proving that I am most content in my so –called boring life.

When I started dating Kevin, he introduced me to the WWE. All I could do was laugh at the story lines, the wrestlers and what some of them are wearing, good gravy! So when I saw that the Diva’s were going to be having a reality show on E! I thought, let’s give that a try and see what kind of train wreck this could be.

Here’s what I thought.

I laughed.

The good news is that since the Diva’s don’t really have any air time on the WWE, I found it to have some insight on them as individuals and it actually helped me realize the stress that they have to compete to even be on Raw, Smackdown and earn a spot in Wrestlemania. To be a woman in this industry, you have to have a backbone, extend the claws and do what you need to do to get on TV.

We start with the Bella Twins, Nikki and Brie. First, I really don’t think they are all that, but that’s just my opinion. They start with John Cena’s current girlfriend Nikki. Um, all I can say is that they are completely ridiculous and their scene was totally made up. Fishing in the rain and trying to be cute by reenacting a scene from Nicholas Sparks The Notebook, was a total flop. (Kevin’s Edit: I didn’t even see The Notebook and I thought the scene deserved a fail.) She says she’s totally into John and thinks he’s the ‘one’. He buys her a brand new Range Rover, can you say, Lame! Their intimate Thursday night dinner, lead her to ask if he would marry again and he said he’s been down that road and isn’t sure. Should I be on the edge of my seat to see what happens? I think not. (KE: I had all kinds of women thinking I’d be mentally scarred over my divorce. This dumb broad wants to get married less than a year after his divorce.)

Brie is in a relationship with Daniel Bryan. They are much more down to earth. They live in an apartment together, walk their dog together and go to the Farmers market to get fresh food to make dinner. They are definitely boring, but on that same thought, they are probably the most sane and easy to watch along with not wanting to gag. It’s so normal that she cheers him on in his Wrestlemania match in NJ.

The Funkadactyls were next, Ariane and Trinity. Ariane is dating a ‘tool’ who wants to beat up Brodus for yelling at Ariane during their dress rehearsal for Wrestlemania. Trinity is engaged to Jimmy Uso. Ariane acts like some whiny, annoying girl who will cry to anyone that wants to listen, which is probably why her tool of a boyfriend of 7 months, thought he could beat up Brodus, (KE: Ariane can’t even get her man to watch the WWE. No way he offers to fight Brodus if he watches. How did I manage to get my girlfriend to and write a post?) which she thought was chivalrous, but in reality would be beaten like a pulp (now that would have been something fun to watch). Trinity on the other hand, is more level headed and made it sound like she is about ready to throw in the towel because she wants kids and is approaching 30.

The final Main Diva is Nattie, a member of the Hart family. What can I say about Nattie? Even though I like her and have enjoyed seeing her on Raw, she has no backbone and the show really showed how she really has no ‘pull’ at WWE and that they use her as a stepping tool as she was not given a spot at Wrestlemania, and as she recounts, trained the Bella’s who are scheduled in Wrestlemania, and instead was told to ‘babysit’ the 2 new Diva’s, Eva Marie and JoJo. (KE: No backbone is a great description. The only time she showed fight was over the blonde hair debate.)

The two new Diva’s are young, young as in JoJo is only 19. Eva Marie seems as though she could be a spitfire and a possibly crazy like AJ Lee. I could maybe see friction between her and the Bella Twins (as the twins had Eva and JoJo go get them cocktails at a party and then made them wait while they did photo moments), but Eva’s career could be short lived with the WWE as she disobeyed an order by dying her hair Rihanna red instead of going blonde or they could keep her on as the new crazy person and have her and AJ duke out who is crazier. (KE: I don’t care about either of these broads. Let me know when Eva Marie’s, um, pictures leak. Thanks. Moving along now.)

The shows 10 day story line came down to the main event of Wrestlemania, where since it’s live and the matches were taking too long, the Diva’s got cut. Needless to say, here is where you see that the WWE is a ‘man’s’ world and being a woman in the WWE won’t get you much air time, which is why you create your own TV show and call it Total Diva’s.

So, if you want to waste an hour and see emotional Diva drama, that falls flat, then go ahead and give it a try. I have to say, maybe next week will be better, or maybe it won’t. Guess I’ll find out at 10 on E!. – M (& Kevin)

#SippyTimeBeer – Jackie O’s, Ohio Brewing & Boulder Beer

JackieOs_Chomo-lung-ma

Jackie O’sChomo-lungma – I had never heard of this brewery out of Athens, OH before I went to Kenny Road Market this past week. The owner of KRM, who I’ve known since I moved here in ’99, told me it’s one of the best breweries in the country. His co-worker backed him up. I found it a little suspect since I’ve had a number of friends who went to OU and only live forty five minutes from Athens but I had never heard of this bar. The main reason for that is that they hadn’t packaged their beers until recently. Jackie O’s is also in the link below for top 25 breweries in the country. I had no such intentions because I had only picked up the beer because of the packaging. After having the first beer when I got home, I was disappointed with the taste of this honey nut brown ale. I thought maybe I had too high expectations for it. So the next evening, I went for round two. Then had another one when doing the Raw Blog. I only have one left in my fridge after having the six pack for six days. I’m starting to think that it tastes pretty good. From the way KRM talked, this beer wasn’t their best so I’ll look forward to trying more.

Ohio Brewing CompanyVerich Gold – Another company from the Buckeye state but it resides in Akron, OH. People need to drink to live there so I’m not surprised there are a number of good breweries up there. Yeah, it’s a hack joke but it’s true. I have only had two kolsch style beers during my review phase, if memory serves. The third kolsch was finally one that I enjoyed. It was a light beer that gave you malt first with just a hint of hoppy bitterness at the end. The other two beers had too much hops. They are distributed in Akron, Canton, Cleveland and Cincinnati/Kentucky so I’m not sure how I got it. Probably the impeccably stocked Kenny Road Market.

Boulder BeerSweaty Betty – Yet another hefeweizen that is perfect for the hot summer. Betty had some familar friends in the party, a hazy, cloudy look, hints of banana & clove and a whole lot of wheat. I’m looking for more to say but I think it’s pretty much covered. You can find their beers in these states. They don’t cover Ohio but I’m sure I got it from KRM. So not only should you support your local breweries, support the stores that supply tasty beers from all over this country like Kenny Road Market.

If you happen to live near the Cleveland area, go to the Burning River Festival that will serve the (at least around these parts) legendary Great Lakes Christmas Ale and help pay for ecological clean up for a river that may not burn any more but still look pretty bad.

If you want to have a say what’s the best brewery in America (at least according to TheDailyMeal.com) go to this link. They already cut the vote down to 25 breweries grouped by region. Give your input then go enjoy a Sippy Time Beer. -Kevin

#ROH IS The Worst Part XI

manchester-arena-wrestlingOkay, Ring of Honor would never play an arena this size but it’s what I got when I typed in “arena floor plan wrestling” into Google. I had to go that route after “DuBurns Arena Floor plan” didn’t come up with anything useful. DuBurns Arena has no page on Wikipedia. The best I can do is the Coppermine Restaurant at Du Burns Arena on Facebook. They record at a fancy spot. Woof. The floor plan above will work as a nice tool though to describe what Ring of Honor did wrong now. They did do something right though. But let’s save the good news for after the bad news. I’m that kind of guy.

ROH was back in Du Burns Arena to tape some episodes. Normally, their floor plan would have their walk way through areas H and J then the entrance ramp would be at the large aisle between sections 116 & 117. The set up made it looks pretty full for an arena of well, probably no more than 3,000 since that was the size of the place they played here in Columbus. ROH decided to switch it up for the big match up between Matt Hardy and Jay Briscoe. They placed the entrance ramp in section 114 with a very short aisle to the ring. I have a problem with my example now because it doesn’t convey the tightness of the length of the aisle. Just pretend that the second deck isn’t there and section 114 is about half the size. The WWE has a similar set up when they go to Madison Square Garden. I don’t like that set up but it doesn’t bother me for one reason that became glaringly obvious when ROH used camera angles that weren’t the hard camera. The WWE packs MSG full so no matter what angle they film from, it’s a packed house. For whatever reason, ROH used more non-hard camera angle shots than I can remember in any other broadcast. The main problem as you can guess by now was that the crowd in sections 109-119 was sparse at best. So ROH did it’s best to point out that an arena that is likely in the 3,000 seat area was not full. Even TNA isn’t this stupid. To compound the problems, it seemed that they acknowledged this problem by filming really close up to the wrestlers to minimize the amount of crowd seen. I have close up filming in movies and wrestling because you lose context. ROH is the worst.

The good news? Even though ROH was dumb enough to leave their title belt on Jay Briscoe who was leaving the company (dumb) but they did two smart things. They didn’t put the strap around Fat Hardy’s waist. The other upside was that SCUM beat down Mark & Jay Briscoe before they were booted from the company. TNA wasn’t smart enough to with DOC recently so we need to give ROH an “Atta boy” pet every now and again. -Kevin

News You Can Use: Fire Crotch, Murder and More Sorensen

Ivelisse Fire CrotchIvelisse Velez was on Tattoo Nightmares on Spike TV. Thanks to Prowrestling.Net for pointing out it’s airing. What, you mean you don’t remember her from Tough Enough either? I’m glad I’m not the only one. I decided to tape it since it didn’t air during my usual viewing time at the gym. For those of you who didn’t watch, Ivelisse thought it was be a good idea to get a sexy tattoo of a phoenix rising…on her crotch. Because the phoenix is below her bikini (look up dummy) or tights line, it appears as if her crotch is on fire. The other problem, not pictured above, is that the phoenix is a negative image inside of all of the flames. Ivelisse didn’t think of the implications until fans chanted “fire crotch” at her.  She was smart enough to whore herself out and get more TV time by going on the show to get it fixed. Jasmine Rodriguez was her tattoo artist. Ivelisse wanted something more womanly and decided to go with a flower. Jasmine was smart enough to not go too much larger than the original tattoo and came up with a solid design. The only problem is she now has a much better done flower crotch. If Ivelisse has ever watched wrestling, she’d realize that once you have a nickname, it sticks with you even after you spend a decade in Japan and come back under a new persona. Have fun still being called “fire crotch” for the rest of your indy career.

Former WWE developmental Brian McGee fatally stabbed his girlfriend Bianca McGaughey. McGee will be charged with first degree murder when he gets out of the hospital because of course this dumb ass fled from the police and crashed his car. What are the chances that the sports media trots Vince McMahon in front of cameras and grills him about the back ground of his wrestlers like they did to Bill Belicheck about Aaron Hernandez? None, that’s what I thought too.

If you didn’t get our fill of Jesse Sorensen news in our podcast below (Seriously, it’s right there. I’m not even going to link to it. If they change pages, just hit next page you lazy bum.) Sorensen is now claiming that a friend put up his GoFundMe.com page and took a jab at Dixie Carter. Sorensen wasn’t concerned enough with the inflammatory remarks to get his meat head of a friend to take down the post. How about removing it while denouncing the post? Just go ahead and keep the money so that you don’t become the next Daniel Lugo. Thanks. -Kevin

Ivelisse Flower Fix

The tattoo is better but is flower crotch better?

Stunt Granny Audio #227

Torn ACLJeremy is back on the show along with Kevin. They end up starting the show on Impact Wrestling. It goes from a one subject idea to a three subject segment. The first one is the firing of Jesse Sorensen. How bad is this firing? Does it look better after they look at Sorensen’s Wikipedia page? Could Eric Bischoff help him out in his future endeavors? They move on to Chris Sabin of the two torn ACLs. Are his injuries the only reason crowned TNA Champion? Which host thought it was obvious Sabin was going to win? Which on thought they wouldn’t do it on regular TV? Kevin then wonders if Sabin could cut it in the WWE? Who does he think would cut it from the TNA Roster? When will the whole Stunt Granny crew do another TNA Roster Game? Their final topic for TNA was their management’s failure in budgeting. Should they continue to travel with how much money they’re losing? Would it benefit them to stay in a spot for a year then move along? How much leash is Dixie Carter going to get from her father? Will she ever become competent? Jeremy & Kevin finally move on to the WWE in rapid fire fashion. John Cena vs Daniel Bryan? Check. CM Punk vs Paul Heyman? Check. Mark Henry & the Usos vs the Shield? Check. Who’s going to write about Totally Divas? Did they forget about the fresh face of the Wyatt Family? The Wyatts may be after the Big Red Monster but Jeremy & Kevin finish by talking about the big green monster know as Godzilla. Click on the link below to hear all of that and more!

Stunt Granny Audio Show #227

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