Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed review of #WWE #Raw

toilet-roomI sat here like an idiot for about twenty minutes trying to come up with an intro. No luck. I started thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom, it’d help. I didn’t have to drop the kids off though so why go in there? Fuck it. Plus, starting this early means I should catch up. Let’s roll.

After the recap, we get Brad Maddox being led to the ring by Vince McMahon. Does Vince think this is a good way to give Bryan a rub? Daniel Bryan comes out. Is this supposed to be his “Pipe Bomb” moment? Vince tells him he doesn’t have “Ruthless aggression” and neither does Cena. Spontaneous combustion, huh? That’s the punch line to your long winded crap? We get a big old Yes chant going at the end with a bewildered Vince. Wait, Vince left before the Shield made it to the ring? I’m disappointed. Vince deserved an ass kicking for that load of garbage.

Mark Henry starts against Dean Ambrose. Then Seth Rollins. Then Roman Reigns for the big “power” match up. So Jey gets a tag so that the Shield can have some offense eventually. The Usos & Henry are standing tall at the break. The Shield has looked pretty terrible so far. The Shield looks good while I go crazy looking for tweets about the Pirates. Holy cow did they just open up that game in the bottom of the 7th. Why did Ambrose not dodge that cross body? Makes no damn sense at all. But then Ambrose counters after being hurt. Makes even less sense. Ambrose with his take down DDT for the win. Do they call that something? I vote for the “Hand of Justice.” It was one of my favorite Magic cards. Ryback was backstage with a bunch of people trying to make some awkward small talk. Damn, that slap looked rough. Because all backstage people know how to flat back properly.

The Wyatt Family is getting more vignette than Will Ferrell got “Cow bell”. Kane wants to know where the Wyatts are. Brad Maddox tries to goad on Kane to more violence.

RVD gets to wait for Fandango‘s long ass entrance. I checked out my Twitter feed. I’ll pay attention to the Stunt Granny variety when I catch up. I’d like this match up more in a feud format. Rising young star versus old veteran. Fandango rolls out of the ring before RVD can hit the Five Star. Summer Rae & Fandango get counted out. There’s still hope to stretch this one out. AJ Lee is bitching to Big E Langston. Then she laughs to keep him from talking. They gave him a perfect out. Why is he putting up with that garbage without getting some? That’s a minimum to tolerate that, right? Are hand jobs a minimum?

Interesting to have the Diva’s Title match at the top of an hour. Kaitlyn is taking on AJ Lee again. AJ gets the upper hand pretty easily. Kaitlyn deserved that knee to head after that weak ass roll up. How is your power diva going for a non-power move. The crowd doesn’t care much. Kaitlyn with a spear to win. The crowd is sort of happy. AJ freaks out. My boy Dolph Ziggler shows up. He wants a match right now against Langston.They hit the commercial.

Okay, I keep on forgetting to mention that it sounds weird to not hear JBL. Ziggler gets his match with Langston. Big E  is using his power to beat down Ziggler. My boy isn’t getting much traction for his comeback. Is it because no one in their right mind thinks Langston will beat Ziggler? AJ Lee attacks Ziggler. Big E starts bitching out AJ. Good for you. Zig Zag is a bit of a dick move. John Cena is talking on his cell phone when Daniel Bryan walks in. I like Bryan calling him a liar. Good stuff. Much better than the open.

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Matt Hardy is getting married

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You know how I know that? That thing I wrote, above, in the headline? It’s because there exists a website called http://skyhardwedding.com/, that’s why.

And so I’ll let you peruse that site at your leisure, and you can form your own opinions on the contents therein, but please allow me one split second on my soap box, just for one second.

Ahem.

All athletes who get married are idiots. You’re roaming around the countryside, going from town to town, state to state, you’ve got rats in every town (I’ve seen Bull Durham, it’s not just wrestling that that happens), there is almost a zero percent chance of a marriage working when you’re a “famous” professional athlete. Ask John Cena, he’ll tell you that there’s no way he would consider getting married again. Oh. Oops.

So, not that I would expect any sparking brain cells from that drug addled small penised belt collecting, job refusing fuckhead, but at least he’ll be able to afford a nice ceremony on that ROH money he’s bringing in.

And PS, fuck Bull Durham. Bad movie, and I love the DH. Makes baseball more exciting. Suck it. – Dusty

Total Divas – She Said (He Edited)

Total-Divas

Since the craze of reality television I tend to jump on the crazy train of reality television from time to time. I’ve gone from the early seasons of The Real World, to Keeping up w/the Kardashians (which was very short lived in my television watching) to the Jersey Shore and finally to the Housewives of Beverly Hills and New Jersey. Each one proving that I am most content in my so –called boring life.

When I started dating Kevin, he introduced me to the WWE. All I could do was laugh at the story lines, the wrestlers and what some of them are wearing, good gravy! So when I saw that the Diva’s were going to be having a reality show on E! I thought, let’s give that a try and see what kind of train wreck this could be.

Here’s what I thought.

I laughed.

The good news is that since the Diva’s don’t really have any air time on the WWE, I found it to have some insight on them as individuals and it actually helped me realize the stress that they have to compete to even be on Raw, Smackdown and earn a spot in Wrestlemania. To be a woman in this industry, you have to have a backbone, extend the claws and do what you need to do to get on TV.

We start with the Bella Twins, Nikki and Brie. First, I really don’t think they are all that, but that’s just my opinion. They start with John Cena’s current girlfriend Nikki. Um, all I can say is that they are completely ridiculous and their scene was totally made up. Fishing in the rain and trying to be cute by reenacting a scene from Nicholas Sparks The Notebook, was a total flop. (Kevin’s Edit: I didn’t even see The Notebook and I thought the scene deserved a fail.) She says she’s totally into John and thinks he’s the ‘one’. He buys her a brand new Range Rover, can you say, Lame! Their intimate Thursday night dinner, lead her to ask if he would marry again and he said he’s been down that road and isn’t sure. Should I be on the edge of my seat to see what happens? I think not. (KE: I had all kinds of women thinking I’d be mentally scarred over my divorce. This dumb broad wants to get married less than a year after his divorce.)

Brie is in a relationship with Daniel Bryan. They are much more down to earth. They live in an apartment together, walk their dog together and go to the Farmers market to get fresh food to make dinner. They are definitely boring, but on that same thought, they are probably the most sane and easy to watch along with not wanting to gag. It’s so normal that she cheers him on in his Wrestlemania match in NJ.

The Funkadactyls were next, Ariane and Trinity. Ariane is dating a ‘tool’ who wants to beat up Brodus for yelling at Ariane during their dress rehearsal for Wrestlemania. Trinity is engaged to Jimmy Uso. Ariane acts like some whiny, annoying girl who will cry to anyone that wants to listen, which is probably why her tool of a boyfriend of 7 months, thought he could beat up Brodus, (KE: Ariane can’t even get her man to watch the WWE. No way he offers to fight Brodus if he watches. How did I manage to get my girlfriend to and write a post?) which she thought was chivalrous, but in reality would be beaten like a pulp (now that would have been something fun to watch). Trinity on the other hand, is more level headed and made it sound like she is about ready to throw in the towel because she wants kids and is approaching 30.

The final Main Diva is Nattie, a member of the Hart family. What can I say about Nattie? Even though I like her and have enjoyed seeing her on Raw, she has no backbone and the show really showed how she really has no ‘pull’ at WWE and that they use her as a stepping tool as she was not given a spot at Wrestlemania, and as she recounts, trained the Bella’s who are scheduled in Wrestlemania, and instead was told to ‘babysit’ the 2 new Diva’s, Eva Marie and JoJo. (KE: No backbone is a great description. The only time she showed fight was over the blonde hair debate.)

The two new Diva’s are young, young as in JoJo is only 19. Eva Marie seems as though she could be a spitfire and a possibly crazy like AJ Lee. I could maybe see friction between her and the Bella Twins (as the twins had Eva and JoJo go get them cocktails at a party and then made them wait while they did photo moments), but Eva’s career could be short lived with the WWE as she disobeyed an order by dying her hair Rihanna red instead of going blonde or they could keep her on as the new crazy person and have her and AJ duke out who is crazier. (KE: I don’t care about either of these broads. Let me know when Eva Marie’s, um, pictures leak. Thanks. Moving along now.)

The shows 10 day story line came down to the main event of Wrestlemania, where since it’s live and the matches were taking too long, the Diva’s got cut. Needless to say, here is where you see that the WWE is a ‘man’s’ world and being a woman in the WWE won’t get you much air time, which is why you create your own TV show and call it Total Diva’s.

So, if you want to waste an hour and see emotional Diva drama, that falls flat, then go ahead and give it a try. I have to say, maybe next week will be better, or maybe it won’t. Guess I’ll find out at 10 on E!. – M (& Kevin)

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