Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed review of #WWE #Raw

toilet-roomI sat here like an idiot for about twenty minutes trying to come up with an intro. No luck. I started thinking that maybe if I went to the bathroom, it’d help. I didn’t have to drop the kids off though so why go in there? Fuck it. Plus, starting this early means I should catch up. Let’s roll.

After the recap, we get Brad Maddox being led to the ring by Vince McMahon. Does Vince think this is a good way to give Bryan a rub? Daniel Bryan comes out. Is this supposed to be his “Pipe Bomb” moment? Vince tells him he doesn’t have “Ruthless aggression” and neither does Cena. Spontaneous combustion, huh? That’s the punch line to your long winded crap? We get a big old Yes chant going at the end with a bewildered Vince. Wait, Vince left before the Shield made it to the ring? I’m disappointed. Vince deserved an ass kicking for that load of garbage.

Mark Henry starts against Dean Ambrose. Then Seth Rollins. Then Roman Reigns for the big “power” match up. So Jey gets a tag so that the Shield can have some offense eventually. The Usos & Henry are standing tall at the break. The Shield has looked pretty terrible so far. The Shield looks good while I go crazy looking for tweets about the Pirates. Holy cow did they just open up that game in the bottom of the 7th. Why did Ambrose not dodge that cross body? Makes no damn sense at all. But then Ambrose counters after being hurt. Makes even less sense. Ambrose with his take down DDT for the win. Do they call that something? I vote for the “Hand of Justice.” It was one of my favorite Magic cards. Ryback was backstage with a bunch of people trying to make some awkward small talk. Damn, that slap looked rough. Because all backstage people know how to flat back properly.

The Wyatt Family is getting more vignette than Will Ferrell got “Cow bell”. Kane wants to know where the Wyatts are. Brad Maddox tries to goad on Kane to more violence.

RVD gets to wait for Fandango‘s long ass entrance. I checked out my Twitter feed. I’ll pay attention to the Stunt Granny variety when I catch up. I’d like this match up more in a feud format. Rising young star versus old veteran. Fandango rolls out of the ring before RVD can hit the Five Star. Summer Rae & Fandango get counted out. There’s still hope to stretch this one out. AJ Lee is bitching to Big E Langston. Then she laughs to keep him from talking. They gave him a perfect out. Why is he putting up with that garbage without getting some? That’s a minimum to tolerate that, right? Are hand jobs a minimum?

Interesting to have the Diva’s Title match at the top of an hour. Kaitlyn is taking on AJ Lee again. AJ gets the upper hand pretty easily. Kaitlyn deserved that knee to head after that weak ass roll up. How is your power diva going for a non-power move. The crowd doesn’t care much. Kaitlyn with a spear to win. The crowd is sort of happy. AJ freaks out. My boy Dolph Ziggler shows up. He wants a match right now against Langston.They hit the commercial.

Okay, I keep on forgetting to mention that it sounds weird to not hear JBL. Ziggler gets his match with Langston. Big E  is using his power to beat down Ziggler. My boy isn’t getting much traction for his comeback. Is it because no one in their right mind thinks Langston will beat Ziggler? AJ Lee attacks Ziggler. Big E starts bitching out AJ. Good for you. Zig Zag is a bit of a dick move. John Cena is talking on his cell phone when Daniel Bryan walks in. I like Bryan calling him a liar. Good stuff. Much better than the open.

Christian gets the task of taking on Alberto Del Rio, who has a lot on his mind. Like, when can we get Justin Roberts off the mic again? The drop kick into the stairs looked really rough but was harmless. Nice commercial break time. Nice sell by Christian who doesn’t hook a leg during a crucial pin because of the shoulder injury. You know, earlier today in the Total Divas recap, I was going to make a joke about lengths of matches in the WWE but they have been on a roll for a couple of long ones on each Raw recently. They may not have been the main event, but they are on the show. This match has been really good. Christian turns an attempted cross arm breaker into a roll up pin. I think they protected Del Rio enough. He’s been really strong recently.

Wade Barrett, wow, is he going to job to Cody Rhodes? Cody is getting the recap from Smackdown. He’s not losing. I did enjoy this segment. Sandown saying he can’t swim, then swimming was unintentionally hilarious because he was doing just enough not to drown. Barrett is looking sharp early. Rhodes takes over with a  moonsault press. Ha. Barrett looked so ridiculous taking that. Cross Rhodes. Damien Sandow comes out. You’re beneath my constitution. Hilarious.

Kane takes on Daniel Bryan. Mitchell Cool tries to sell us on Kane’s possible number one contendership. Hahaha. Kane is at it early. Jerry Lawler is picking John Cena. Running knee off the apron brings the commercial break. I’m starting to think this crowd is just kind of meh. They do love using the tear “Ruthless aggression” even when it’s a comparison. Small package win for Bryan. Kane choke slams Bryan after the match. I was hoping that’d be long match number two of the night. The Wyatt Family finally shows up. Big assault on Kane. Bray with the finisher. Interesting speech. Is he implying he knows the devil better? They’ve got time for this feud I suppose.

The Bellas get to have a segment Natalya. It is killing me that Total Divas got a higher rating than Impact Wrestling. Seriously TNA, that’s how much your surprise person counts. How do you justify a hire after canning a bunch of people? They’re doing a good job of weaving in the show to this match. Good lord, drink for “Ruthless aggression”. Just when Natalya has Brie in the sharp shooter. She is easily distracted by a fake quacking Nikki Bella. Wow, somehow the fake scripted stuff on E! wasn’t this bad.

Paul Heyman gives Curtis Axel a pep talk. Heyman gets to blow himself before Axel takes on R Truth. The new hairdo is not helping out Truth. CM Punk makes the segment interesting by tossing Axel out of the way. That would have been a good match for Axel to win. HHH and Vince are arguing. Love the shot at HHH’s age. Steph wants to give Bryan a corporate make over. Yuck. John Cena comes out for the tables match first. Ryback is going to bitch out of this now, right? It’d fit his change in attitude. The table break on the post was fun but cheesy as all hell. What a shitty break right after it. Did they forget to tell the announvers they were cutting out? Yikes. Yeah, this crowd is pretty blah. They can’t even Cena cheer and hate well. Boo crowd. Ryback hides under the ring. Unseen spear on Cena. They end up in a Mexican stand off with pieces of the steps. AA on one half of the steps. Ryback takes advantage of Cena setting up a table. AA thru an upright table. Ryback had a little bit of offense in between the events above but not much offense. Daniel Bryan comes into the ring and puts his arm out with the belt on it. He pulls it back and says it’ll be his. Cena snatches it back. Okay. -Kevin

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