Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

American_757_on_final_approach_at_St_Maarten_AirportI’ll be shoving off on a Disney cruise with the whole DiFrango clan. Our first stop will be St. Maarten, pictured above. We will obviously be coming on a different mode of transportation than shown. Should be fun. And also a reason this week will be a little strange. Always a busy week before vacation. Hopefully, the lady & I will get to review Total Divas this week. It was a casualty of laying out our wardrobe last night. Raw will not on that hit list. Let’s roll.

Steph gets to kick off the show. Oh goodie. She shows us his make over. Nice of Daniel Bryan to fake chew the steak. Nothing drastic changed since they kept his beard & hair. It is a decent suit. I think he trimmed the beard or maybe he just combed it. Just mentioned the scraggly beard, so maybe not. Bryan is a wrestler not an entertainer. Nice shot at his first firing. His plan is to get Cena to tap at Summerslam. Vince McMahon comes down to talk make over which is ironic considering his choice in suits within the last decade, at least. The good old, negative is a positive promo again. Vince wants to shave the beard now. Wade Barrett is the barber for some unexplained reason. I would imagine it was to make him look even worse than he has recently. This is a perfect example of what Dusty & I talked about last week, how did Vince say to himself “I’m going to be in the best segment on Raw.”? Just awful. At least his part. Bryan had a good solo promo.

RVD gets a rematch against Alberto Del Rio. Justin Roberts has to intro Ricardo Rodriguez. Thank you for coming back. The Miz is on the mic. He’s back to running down Bryan because he wears a suit. Maybe that’s why you’re on a head set and he’s challenging for the WWE Title which will never see your waist again. They love having RVD miss the 1st Rolling Thunder for some reason. Rodriguez costs Del Rio the match. RVD gets the scissors pin. If you’re Christian, you’re taking notes? Really Miz. What do those thoughts consist of “Have opponent’s manager fuck up. Capitalize on mistake.” Wow, they really went over the top with the beat down. We’re back to Roberts. I hate you again Del Rio. The fact that neither Jerry Lawler nor Mitchell Cool are jumping all over JBL’s angle on Del Rio is pathetic.

Cody Rhodes has a gift for Damien Sandow. The breifcase has a water spot below it. Did he keep it in water the whole time? No way the interior of the suitcase didn’t dry out two weeks later. We’ve been getting a whole lot of video packages. Of course the stupid thing has sea weed in it. Damien Sandow comes down and tries to barter. The segment gets no response. JBL makes a good point about stolen property but yet again his partners have got nothing of substance.

Mark Henry and Ryback are going back at it in a Wrestlemania rematch. Ryback decides to get counted out. That was a waste of a segment.

The Bellas brag about looking hot and the ratings. Eva Marie comes in and sucks up to the Bellas. Natalya is back to talk. She slaps Brie and walks out. They’re holding Jojo down! John Cena comes out to talk about Daniel Bryan. He rebuts his points. He wouldn’t tarnish the WWE by going to a smaller league. Cena can’t get a “You can’t wrestle” chant going when he wants to. The “Boring” chant is unwarranted. Good stuff so far. Cena closes well too. Randy Orton comes down before Cena can leave. Fun little promo by Orton saying the Champ is Here with the briefcase. The Shield comes down. Bryan makes the save, right? Not even a save. Brad Maddox makes his first appearance. We got ourselves a main event.

Sweet T & Brodus Clay get to lose to the Wyatt Family. Luke Harper starts against Tensai. The announcers couldn’t have said less during the match which could have used it. Is the other guy’s name Roman? Finally found him, Erick Rowan. I had to look on their site to get a good answer. Just because you pimp apps doesn’t mean you should slack on your job of describing action. Bray Wyatt still wants Kane to follow the buzzards. The Kane pyro goes off. He talks to us from the bowels of the arena. Evidently, Bray has a match against Kane at Summerslam. They’re going with a “Ring of Fire” match. What the fuck Cool? How does he not know what Kane means? The guy had a match with the ring ropes on fire against his brother. Christ on a pony.

CM Punk said he respected Mr. Perfect & Bobby “The Brain”Heenan. Curtis Axel earned himself an ass kicking courtesy of Punk. Punk is ready to nueter the Beast at Summerslam. Layla wants to reclaim her spot. Fair enough point because she has been in the back ground. Is Kaitlyn the tape measure so they don’t want the belt on her? Mitchell did mention something about Kaitlyn’s new merch. Why are you turning your head? Spear her now. You know you lose matches when you fuck with the people outside the ring! Holy crap. Layla wins. Just not a good look for Kaitlyn, who is their only baby face in the Diva’s Division. Natalya doesn’t count.

Christian takes on Heath Slater. So, does he get Drew McIntyre or Jinder Mahal on Smackdown? JBL can’t bait Lawler into the Del Rio/Rodriguez argument a second time. Spear by Christian for an easy win. I had checked out of this match. The announcers finally try to sell Christian as a viable threat for the World Heavyweight Championship.

CM Punk comes out first. He attacks Curtis Axel on his way to the ring. I missed that he chased off Paul Heyman and had to rewind it. Ha, Punk tried to do the gum spit swat. Awesome. Suicide dive connects to take us to commercial break. Heyman comes back to the ring when Axel is in control. JBL is trying to wake the other two but is still having no luck. Am I the only one who thinks there are still times the Punk baby face transition isn’t fully complete with the fans? Or does this crowd just suck tonight? Another failed chant might point to the later. Brock Lesnar comes out. Axel pulls Punk out of the ring. GTS for his transgression. Punk’s hatred of Heyman ultimately gets him his ass kicked. Heyman tells Lesnar to hurt him. Chair shots. Lesnar is so losing again at a major pay per view.

Paul Heyman gets his promo time. Well, Lesnar gets it first. Heyman is challenging Punk to a fight next week. Renee Young acts like she’s going to be beaten for some reason. Fandango comes out. Oh great, Kofi Kingston is back. I do like the switch to pants. Fun fireman’s take over wrist lock by Fandango. Trouble in Paradise. Oh boy. This whole night has been pretty terrible. Stephanie sells a false story to HHH. He goes for the troubled genius angle. Steph acts like she wasn’t faking the story.

They replay the Del Rio segment again. JBL still can’t get a good reaction from the other two boobs. JBL actually has to back track and say the stair shot was too much. Zeb Colter wants real Americans back in the Heartland. We The People. So are the Usos getting a push because he’s dating a Funkadactyl who’s on Total Divas? She doesn’t have much pull so he only gets a tag title opportunity. That mustache for Colter is outstanding. Better than anything Dirty Dutch wore. He did always have awesome facial hair though. Jey gets the hot tag. Coincidence, I think not! Jimmy shines with a dive over the top rope. Cesaro jumps into a thrust kick. Swagger clocks Jey. Neutralizer. I’m not surprised these guys are getting a push. I have expected more out of them.

AJ Lee is at ring side for Dolph Ziggler vs Big E Langston. It’s a power vs speed match up. Kaitlyn comes out to attack AJ. Oh my lord, AJ, those pants are awful. Didn’t notice them earlier. Big E blind sides Ziggler. Big Finish. It looks as if AJ & Big E planned it. How do you count on unusual interference.

Randy Orton starts things off with Seth Rollins. They’ve got 15 minutes until DVR cut off. It’s been ending well before that recently so this could be a short match. Orton tags in Daniel Bryan. Suicide Dive onto Dean Ambrose. Ambrose recovered when Bryan dicked around with the other two. Roman Reigns finally got his chance. JBL calling it down the middle on the Cena/Bryan divide. The ref missed the tag. I feel like that doesn’t happen much these days. Other forms interference happen. The Shield attacks Bryan when he has the Yes Lock on. Randy Orton RKO’s both Bryan and Cena. Just as Orton looks like he’s going to cash in, the Shield reappears. They still attack Cena & Bryan. Orton walks away. Well played. One of the few things tonight, unfortunately. -Kevin

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