Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review #WWE #Raw

BlankIn more ways than one am I drawings a blank. Let’s roll.

Edge kicks off the show. Jerry Lawler looks really odd in a WWE polo. It’s better than his King t-shirts though. Edge is bringing us a “Cutting Edge”.  He is mad about not interviewing Christian. HHH wants him to interview Randy Orton. Edge instead introduces Daniel Bryan. He is enjoying the struggle because there will be satisfaction when he wins. Randy Orton arrives to dispute his unsavory tactics. HHH comes out to defend himself. Edge is getting in some nice shots. HHH in plug mode is what kills me. He shouldn’t be shilling like that if he’s the bad guy. HHH is claiming Edge “Never drew a dime.” Dean Ambrose vs Daniel Bryan is a match tonight. HHH is doing another good job which again goes back to the shilling and approving things like Paul Heyman getting a beat down from CM Punk make no sense. The Christian ransom drop was a weird way to end that segment.

HHH is still making neck jokes. He claims Toronto is his city. HHH tosses Edge from the show. Kofi Kingston has a rematch against Curtis Axel this week. Lucky us. Axel grabs the ropes after this week’s SOS. Axel loses on a DQ. I thought he was getting a win back tonight. Instead we get a lesson point. Axel ends up eating a Trouble In Paradise. This looks way too dire for Heyman. Brock interferes Sunday, right?

Paul Heyman is being carried to the back. He slipped in the hallway. Ha. Nice try to get out of the match. “Heyman is so worried, he might have wet himself” Lawler killed that line. Booker T is giving Big Show advice. This scene is so over the top. He’s not Marsellus Wallace.

Dolph Ziggler is in the ring. We get the long form intro for the Wyatt Family. It appears as if Bray Wyatt is his opponent. Oh, Jeremy told me to correct my article that mentioned the “Ferrari Engine in the body of a tank” and attributed it to Mitchell Cool. He believes that the line was made by the now fired  Cody Rhodes. Fame Asser doesn’t do it for Dolph. Wyatt takes advantage of a distraction. Sister Abigail for the win. Ziggler has got to hate Jack Swagger for punting him in the head. He has to think about murdering him, right? Maybe sleeping with Swagger’s wife? She is a looker.

Catalina White aka Jack Swagger's wife from IGN.com

Catalina White aka Jack Swagger’s wife from IGN.com

We get a review of all of Goldust‘s funny antics. Paul Heyman comes out to the ring on crutches. Of course he tries to weasel out of the match. Brad Maddox comes out with the WWE’s doctor. Of course, the bad guy GM is going to play the good guy here like HHH. I could handle the flip flopping if it was in any way consistent. “This is awkward” and boring. The doctor thinks he’s fine. CM Punk comes out with a kendo stick. Paul Heyman bolts. The fake doctor gets to take the beating. The fake letting him out of the routine was funny.

Total Divas Baby Faces have a three way match with Layla El, Alicia Fox & Aksana. AJ Lee’s tattoo is of the date of her Diva’s Title victory. Natalya gets the tap out win. I missed that it was Brie Bella in there. It makes no sense for her to be chummy with them just because of AJ.

AJ Lee's TattooR Truth is taking on Alberto Del Rio. RVD got an insert promo. He doesn’t need to talk. Just enjoy the nostalgia cheers. Del Rio is dominating the match. Just after I typed that, R Truth gets in some offense. The crowd chants “Undertaker”. That’s the right response to this match. R Truth taps to the Cross Arm Breaker. I missed Eric’s favorite line of the night. I was talking to the lady and half watching the match.

Zeb Colter gets to talk down to the Canadian crowd. Santino Marella makes his triumphant return. He’s taking on Antonio Cesaro. How long is this swing going to last? I would have puked on Cesaro by now. The Cobra makes an appearance. European Uppercut almost does him in. Running uppercut in the corner doesn’t do it either. Judo Throw for the cheap win. Joining Colter has been anything but beneficial for Cesaro.

Damien Sandow comes out to crow about his MITB briefcase. Big mouth Miz interrupts him. I was looking up John Cena’s injury during the match to settle an argument. Fandango does get my attention along with the Miz’s. Sandow rolls him up for the win. Renee Young welcomes back Goldust. He is mentally prepared for this match. Solid promo but HHH needs to stick his beak in it. Why isn’t HHH wearing a wedding ring? I’m not trying to imply anything but even the story line says he’s married to Steph. HHH doesn’t want Goldust to let down Cody.

JBL has to half ass defend HHH’s actions. Randy Orton is the first one out. Goldust gets a “bizarre” entrance according to Mitchell Cool. I guess walking down to the ring is now considered bizarre. JBL doesn’t have to half ass defend the Rhodes being more popular because of the WWE. Such a difference in his delivery. Goldust sets up for the ball kick. Orton rolls out to give us a commercial. Orton grinds things to a halt with a reverse chin lock. A bulldog turns things around. The crowd is loving it. Hanging DDT. Cross  Rhodes gets a two and a half. Goldust argues with the ref. RKO for the win. Of course he was going to win.

Goldust is bummed back stage. Stephanie talks to Cody. Wrestlers can’t do anything but wrestle. She’s laying it on thick. Then she goes in to bitch mode. Numero Uno Amigo. Ugh. RVD still has a rollable R in his initials. Wouldn’t you think this would be a good time to give Ricardo a little more personality?

RVD is taking on Ryback. Alberto Del Rio comes out and gets to yap. Not one of his stronger efforts since turning Heel 2.0. My woman points out that they’re both wearing singlets. It does look odd to have both competitor’s with it. Ryback rolls out before a the Five Star. RVD crashes and burns going to the outside. Ryback crotches RVD into the ring post. I like the way they got out of a real result for this match. Stephanie tells Big Show he’s not allowed to touch the Shield tonight. His Iron Clad contract looks worse than a regular contract at this point. Did they pick up a tube TV from Good Will?

The Shield strolls out first. I forgot that Big Show can’t do anything outside of wrestling either. Him and Cody Rhodes really suck at life. Daniel Bryan comes out next. JBL says HHH has only been wrong twice. Let the speculation begin. Does he mean Sin Cara and Kharma? Along with Jericho, Edge and John Cena? That’s five JBL. Lawler’s wardrobe is because the airline lost his clothes. They should lose them more often. Dean Ambrose breaks a Surf Board. Mitchell Cool has every right to murder JBL’s dated references. I feel like JBL makes references that are even older than he is sometimes. Yes Lock near the ropes. He breaks a hold again. Ambrose can’t even get the pin with a handful of tights. Bryan crotches Ambrose into a Tree of Woe. Ambrose kicks out of a Belly to Belly top rope suplex. Roan Reigns misses a spear. Seth Rollins whacks himself off the announce desk. Ambrose gets Bryan from behind. Small package out of nowhere for the Bryan win. Orton gets nailed with a suicide dive. The Shield attacks. Big Show comes over with a chair. He drops it. RKO in the middle of the ring. Even Steven booking says Bryan wins but he can’t yet, right? Okay, this is where JBL’s defense of “Just business” should get lit up by Lawler or Cool but they don’t. This kind of an order to Big Show makes no sense. If Daniel Bryan is bad for business, he should be fired and you don’t need to pull these shenanigans. Orton holds up Bryan for Big Show to punch. Orton argues with Big Show. Daniel Bryan with a big knee. There we go. I can’t wait for the cheap Orton win on Sunday. – Kevin

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