Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

again fyalbSo I’m one of those dreaded people watching Monday Night Football during Raw thus hurting their average rating that has stayed pretty much steady for the last several years. The picture accurately describes my thoughts of the Steelers offense. Can’t argue about the defense too much. What are you going to do? Too early to panic but it could be another average or below average year if these patterns. It’s half time so I’ll do a little now and finish up after the game. Let’s roll.

Daniel Bryan is introduced as the new WWE Champion. I’m still thinking the other shoe will drop soon enough. I figured this feud was getting drug out with a cheap Randy Orton win. The Cleveland show already showing up with a “Daniel Bryan.” Strange things are afoot already. HHH comes down to ring side. Jeremy told me about the quick count. I glazed over that fact while reading the review. The referee has a name and it’s Scott Armstrong. Video dissection has come to Raw. It’s really annoying me that they’re using my own words against me. Holding people to standards of a regular corporation now using video evidence. Ah, it’s so much better that they “worked” in cahoots. Ugh. HHH strips him of the title. The irony of HHH’s speech is kind of funny. Randy Orton comes to ring side. Shouldn’t HHH have gotten to the bottom of this already? I’d love to have the NFL say “We’re going to wait 24 hours to reivew this positive test.” RKO by Orton as HHH walks away with the belt.

Wow, I mean, just a terrible offensive effort. The defense didn’t help by creating a turnover and taking some bad penalties on Cincinnati’s last drive. Stephanie and HHH are arguing when Randy Orton barges in. Steph threatens to find a new face of the WWE. Interesting turn of events. Dean Ambrose is taking on Dolph Ziggler in a rematch from last night. I’m really glad I didn’t order the PPV. They’ve undone the main event already and now repeat match. JBL is on fire already. Ziggler gets tossed to the outside for our break. Ambrose in control. Jerry Lawler finally makes a valid point in saying that HHH could be in cahoots with Armstrong. JBL took time to recover but responds to Lawler then starts laughing at himself. Dead give away he doesn’t believe what he’s saying. No wonder Jeremy thought he was drunk. Crowd solidly behind Ziggler. Small “Golden Flashes” chant. Zig Zag gets Dolph his win back. Much needed win for my boy. How did he win in kind of his home town? Not exactly excited that he’s in the IC Title hunt unless they decide to put any emphasis on it.

Brad Maddox is talking to HHH & Stephanie. She gets to belittle him again. I’m so blowing thru reviews and entrances tonight. This was all of consequence in that break.

R Truth is taking on Fandango. Holy cow, JBL is now mixing up the points that Lawler is making. Holy cow, allegedly JBL is drunk. JBL rips on Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler. I’m not even paying attention to the match. Top rope leg drop for the Fandango win. He needed a win too. Dusty Rhodes is talking to a bunch of people backstage.

Dusty Rhodes is delivering a Dusty promo even though he’s here as Virgil Runnels. Stephanie‘s music is so over the top. It doesn’t really fit her character at all. She gives him a gift card for for Bed, Bath & Beyond. Ha. She makes him decide between rehiring Cody Rhodes and Goldust. After more insults, Dusty Rhodes tells Steph to go to hell. The Shield is summoned. Stephanie asks Big Show to come out. I love the crowd finishing the Big Show’s song. Steph makes him choose between Big Show knocking him out and an attack by the Shield. Big Show cries. He scares off a Shield attack so he can do the honors. He’s sorry. KO punch then he gently puts him down.

Brie Bella is now a baby face. The Funkadactyls are wearing better ring gear. Layla, Alicia Fox & Aksana are the heels. Natalya’s head set was not working and it seems like a work because they are blaming AJ for its’ malfunction. Facebuster by Brie Bella for the win. Natalya yells at AJ and they have a stare down. The Miz & Brad Maddox are talking.

RVD is taking on Damien Sandow. At least he gets to job to a bigger name this week. Five Star Frog Splash as the losing streak continues for Sandow. It is funny having him brag after the losses. Keeps heat on him.

HHH is back stage with Scott Armstrong. How can Cool or Lawler not call JBL on some of his previous shenanigans to hold onto the title belt? Armstrong gets to nod as HHH lets him go. So, now we’re supposed to think of refs as important? I want Mike Chioda! Randy Orton comes out. The Miz gets attacked as he hugs his family. That’s why Dolph was let off the hook. His mom doesn’t live in Cleveland. Miz’s parents should be horrified by their look. Did they know they were going to be on TV?

The Miz decides to fight one armed. The only person to ever be hurt for any span of time by the stairs. Please take them in for a hair cut Miz. At least. This could actually get the Miz back on track. Let him go aggressive again instead of cheese dick huckster host of Summerslam. Hanging DDT off the barracade. Orton drops the knee while Miz has his head in a chair. Miz better be taking some time off even if he’s not really injured.

Paul Heyman comes out in a wheel chair with Ryback & Curtis Axel. Nexus is reforming. When does Wade Barrett join? Heyman pinned CM Punk. Heyman had no back up plan. He isn’t taking credit for his win. Nice little team they have going here for Heyman though. Ryback got his message across. Heyman then kissed him. Weird.

Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro are taking on Tons of Funk and the Usos. Each team is getting a crack at it early. Tensai gets to hold up Cesaro for a suplex. Tensai looking unusually good. Because of course they are the first ones eliminated. Cesaro rolled up Tensai. Commercial. Makes sense to have the Usos win since the Shield are champs. Jimmy Uso gets the hot tag. Swagger takes the beating. Cesaro breaks up a pin. Double over the top rop dive by the Usos. Patriot lock. Jimmy kicks out then super kicks Swagger. Jey tags in without Swagger seeing. Top rope splash for the Usos win.

Bray Wyatt gets another video message. He needs to put down some bad animals in his world. Good stuff.

Roman Reigns is in the ring when Daniel Bryan comes down. Randy Orton comes down after. I’m just tuning out the announcers at this point. It’s late and they’re rehashing arguments. There’s not much use in calling the match. Split screen showing the counts. I’m way too awake for the time it is, 1:27 AM. The only thing I can think is “Please call the match so I can rest my eyes” and “watch” the match. Randy Orton belongs on GQ. JBL is definitely, allegedly drunk. Close count after the head count. Rollins takes a brutal spill when Bryan drop kicks him thru the ropes. Randy Orton attacks Bryan when he had the Yes Lock on Reigns. Orton gets locked. The Shield attacks. I dropped water on my lap top. Yep, it’s late. Everyone empties from the locker room and attacks the Shield. Orton takes off. Seth Rollins is the last one in the ring because he’s the best seller. Why is this taking place on free TV? – Kevin

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