Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

1982-Wolverine-Issue 1I was watching Comic Book Men before I started the column. The above comic might be the one that I own with any real value. I can’t really call myself a comic book guy at this point though. I haven’t bought anything in at least a decade. I don’t count buying “The Walking Dead” or Dragonball Z mangas for my good buddy Ken. I do enjoy getting a peak at some cool ass items on this show. I could care less if it’s staged or not. Enough babble. Let’s roll.

Shawn Michaels gets the opening segment. All of the announcers agree that he’ll call it straight down the line. Should I take that as a hint or are the announcers just stating the obvious. HBShizzle doesn’t get much mic time before Randy Orton shows his ugly mug. Orton goes for the “I’m better than you ever were” agitation. It fails. Orton goes on a tirade then. Shawn threatens Sweet Chin Music. Orton attacks him from behind. They both almost hit their finishers. The Miz attacks Orton. We get a commercial. The Miz should have left his mom at home according to JBL. Ha. When they do a close up on Orton’s arms, it really shows how bad those original tattoos were. They stick out even though he got well done ones on the rest of his arm to try and hide them. I do forget about the difference more when the shot is out further. After some offense by Orton, Miz gets back on a roll. The Miz starts to put on the figure four when the lights go out. The Wyatt Family is on the stage. Orton RKOs the Miz. I’m glad King agreed with JBL about the Miz taking his eye off the prize. Bray Wyatt says he hates fame. Wyatt threatens to put him down.

I just thought about this with Fandango‘s entrance, we didn’t even get Fandango at last week’s Smackdown. We got seriously hosed. Santino Marella is his opponent. Fandango got the early jump. Santino did a modified Stunner to start his come back. Summer Rae “distracts” Santino when he simply stops from nailing her with the Cobra. Fandango rolls him up for the win.

Paul Heyman has Brad Maddox‘s ear. Heyman claims Maddox was made the fool by CM Punk. Maddox doesn’t cave to him. Maddox has a beat the clock challenge for Punk & Ryback to determine their stipulation at HIAC. Xavier Woods from NXT started a petition for Big Show to be re-instated. JBL is angry about it. I just smell another call up. John Cena gets his Superman video package. El Torito comes out with Los Matadores. Ole! into commercial break.

Heath Slater & Drew McIntyre are their opponents. Jinder Mahal is at ringside for 3MB. Diego starts against McIntyre. They are on the El Torito band wagon. Double Samoan Drop for the win. Wow, Jeremy nailed it so far with the “boring show” label. Good gravy. It’s not terrible but it’s just there. (Next Day Edit: After looking for places for more comments, I can’t find one. The show was just there. Still. Predictable and executed well. This note should be at the end of the column but fits better here.)

HHH & Big Steph get to the top of the hour. Big Steph does the caring wife angle. HHH is going to be a villain since everyone is painting them that way. Daniel Bryan comes out. Before anything is said, Alberto Del Rio attacks. Del Rio kicks him in the head. Steph makes a match between the two tonight.

R Truth is a smart baby face and goes to the outside instead of letting Ryback attack him. The plan falls apart when Truth halts for Heyman. Ryback gets the offense going but tries for a pin after every move. Completely bizarre to see Ryback rolling up Truth. That shouldn’t be in his power move set. Truth gets in some offense at the 4:30 mark. Shell Shock at 5:44. It wasn’t much offense.

Big Steph is angry at Brie Bella. Nikki has to stay in the back during the match. It is spiteful for Steph to assign a match between Brie & Tamina “I Never Win Despite My Size and Name” Snuka. I’m siding with JBL but not for his reason. Tons of Funk get a full entrance. Commercial. The Real Americans and Zeb Colter are mad at Los Matadores. It was only a matter of time until they jobbed to the new guys. Swagger Bomb is followed by Cesaro vaulting Swagger for the double stomp. That is an impressive move by the big man. Xavier Woods gets more air time. Brodus gets the hot tag. Clay with a PerfectPlex. I’m so lost on big man moves tonight. Cesaro turns it with an European Upper Cut. Cesaro with the Neutralizer for the win. Cesaro with the Big Swing on Tensai after the match.

Ron Bass

Brie Bella takes on Tamina after the break. Tamina is wearing her leather vest during the match. You don’t look tough like Ron Bass. JBL calling out the Bellas for Twin Magic is perfect. Brie went for a super face buster. Tamina brushed her off. Tamina booted her in the face for the win. Samoan Drop after the match. Tamina had to win some time. The dreaded shoulder breaker. Tamina finishes with the Superfly Splash. AJ Lee tries to lock in the Black Widow.

Daniel Bryan barges in Big Steph & Brad Maddox. She defuses the situation by insulting Bryan. Have I ever mentioned that I’m tired of heel authority figures? CM Punk comes out for his match against Curtis Axel. Axel doesn’t hide from the fight like Truth did. They’ve had matches longer than 5:44 before. Axel has dominated for the first 2:44 of the match. Punk got in some offense. Axel is in control of Punk with 35 seconds left. Punk nails the GTS with 22 second but falls away from Axel. Punk pins him with 11 seconds left. Punk snags a mic. He is going to take Heyman’s idea. He puts Heyman in the match instead of Axel though. They’re going HIAC style too.

Daniel Bryan comes out before the break. Alberto Del Rio gets nailed while he’s taking his shirt off. I’m loving JBL tonight. He is defending his angle very well. Of course, neither of the other two are bringing valid criticisms though. Bryan is down in a corner with ADR being admonished at the break. ADR is still in control. ADR misses an enziguri. Bryan got rolling on offense. Bryan connected with the corner drop kick this time. Randy Orton is going to check on Brie Bella in the trainer’s room right now. ADR takes advantage of the distraction. Bryan kicks ADR then gets counted out. Orton attacks Bryan from behind.

5-slow-motion-water-balloons-header

The Shield is backstage celebrating when Big Steph throws cold water on them. HHH tells them to win their match. Cody Rhodes and Goldust made separate entrances. Goldust gets the baby hot tag at the middle of the match. Seth Rollins turned things around before the break. Roman Reigns came in to wear Goldust down more. Rollins cuts off Cody before a tag can be made. It barely delays it. Cody tosses a charging Reigns into the post. Cody only got two from a moonsault. The King calls it. I have no idea why they waited this long for it to become a brawl. At a minimum, I figured they’d go 2 on 2 the whole time. Goldust unloads with a chair. Reigns attacks Goldust. Reigns picked up the chair. Reigns misses and gets splashed holding the chair. Cody & Rollins were battling on the outside. Rollins power bombs Gody into the barricade. Big Show comes in from the crowd. He knocked out everyone in the Shield. Goldust makes the pin. The Rhodes brothers are new tag team champs. HHH comes down and is irate. Big Show left thru the crowd. Hilarious to hear JBL wonder how Big Show got in while security follows him up thru the crowd. – Kevin

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