Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

I watched this clip earlier today after Jim Leyland announced his retirement. It is barely proof that Leyland has aged as a manager since he has a little more color in his hair. It would have been nice for the Pittsburgh Pirates to get him for a second round but the Detroit Tigers decided to steal him along with just about the entire roster of the 1990 Pirates as coaches. As I watch the Penguins play the Colorado Avalanche, I’ve found out that the fans of Pittsburgh decided to steal something from the Detroit Red Wings fans. They’ve decided that their team has been so good for so long, that they can come to the arena dressed as seats even though the game is “sold out”. That’s not quite an even swap but it’s the best I got for now. Let’s roll.

Oh goody, we get HHH & Big Steph to start the show. Steph sets the table for the HIAC PPV. Steph wondering how the feed is there is the most believable part of HHH & Big Show shouting at each other. Steph cutting it though at the flip of a switch means it should have been killed earlier. Daniel Bryan shows up instead of Dean Ambrose. The later gets to show up after a commercial break. Not exactly a sizzling start. Ambrose has been downgraded to not getting an entrance. JBL isn’t making any sense, asking his fellow announcers why Big Show isn’t in jail is bad for two reasons: 1 – They barely ever argue with you. Why do you expect them to do it now? 2 – HHH & Stephanie should answer that question. What the hell is that pin combo called that Bryan just did? Holding an arm down with one leg and digging the elbow into his waist. Looked cool but seemed a little too convoluted to me. Dean Ambrose takes control before the break in TV land and my column.

Ambrose is still in control after it. Since JBL revisited the criminal line of thought for Big Show, I have a third point for him. You always say that you’re the best journalist in the WWE. How about you ask around as to why Big Show isn’t in jail? Mitchell Cool seems to be having fun with JBL. Too bad my ears aren’t. OH my lord, JBL just asked if he said something factually in accurate about Armstrong & Bryan working together for the quick count. Cool decided to answer after his own soliloquy. Ugh. Daniel Bryan wins with the Yes Lock. Fancy reversal into the move.

CM Punk comes out to run his mouth. That is as nondescript a promo as I’ve heard from him. It wasn’t bad. HHH and Big Steph are talking to Vickie about running Raw like she hasn’t done that before. Shawn Michaels brings up power suits and does his silly schtick. He brings up Vince McMahon who has got to be behind Big Show, right? I want to spill water on my lap top again after Hornswoggle, Santino Marella & the Great Khali show up dress in Elvis wigs. Gauging out my eyes would work too.

Santino is taking on Heath Slater. They do a kung fu comedy to start the match. It’s definitely time for a #SippyTimeBeer. “This is entertainment!” from Mitchell Cool who deserves to be put thru the paces by Ivory again for that line. Elvis Cobra gets a big hoot from the commentators and no one in the crowd. A Sneak Cobra attack later wins it for Santino. He sings to Lawler after the match. JBL fakes laughs more. I hope he’s paid well to laugh at that garbage.

I always thought she was underrated hot. Is it obvious this picture is from the WWE?

I always thought she was underrated hot. Is it obvious this picture is from the WWE?

They replay the opening segment because it was so hot. My boy Dolph Ziggler gets to do a high class job to Randy Orton. The crowd is split which means Orton isn’t getting much traction as a heel. How can Lawler fail to mention the tattoos? I know they’re pretty common place these days but shouldn’t the baby faces who don’t think Orton should be anointed bring up points like this? Why wouldn’t the baby face announcers say that Ziggler could be the face so why not anoint him? They leave so much on the table. Ziggler runs into an RKO. He has another good match with another top guy and it’ll do him a whole lot of no good. Holy shit, I had no idea Mitchell Cool is calling this John Cena footage the “Journal of Perseverance.” He is one tough bastard. That is one giant douche chill inducing title for the segment.

AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka are taking on Brie & Nikki Bella. Nikki starts selling the leg injury. Figured she’d be taking the fall before that. Tamina beats down Nikki more. Brie finally gets the hot tag and it’s against AJ. Brie fends off Tamina. She tries to save AJ but gets a knee to the head. AJ goes for the roll up. Brie turns it into a face buster for the win. 30 Second Fury! – Cross Armbreaker gets the second douchiest segment name of the night. No one is surprised it’s Alberto Del Rio or Cena involved in said segments. (Next Day Edit: I probably paid attention more to this match than any other except for the main event. Am I too fascinated with the machinations of the booth? They did concentrate on a match when this one came around which helps. The WWE is slowly giving the ladies a little more time in the ring.)

Paul Heyman babbles about volcanoes. Big E Langston bucks up and ends up challenging Curtis Axel. Pretty weak hype for a match happening in a HIAC. They play up the connection between Daniel Bryan and Shawn Michaels. I know that’s supposed to intrigue me more about the match but it really isn’t doing much for me.

Erick Rowan & Luke Harper of the Wyatt Family are taking on the Miz & Kofi Kingston. I like Harper using the alligator roll. Fits the character and they prove they’re not geographically challenged. Kofi gets the hot tag. Rowan gets Trouble in Paradise but he’s not legal. Harper with the discus clothesline for the win. Harper jumps on Kofi after the match. The Miz makes the save until Rowan derails him. Bray Wyatt comes into the ring. They tie up the Miz in the ropes. He wants to lead the Miz to the gates. The quick cut thing they’re using is a nice stamp but I’m not sure it’s significant enough to be noticed by everyone. (Next Day Edit: I feel impatient saying I want something to happen for the Wyatt Family. The whole Kane thing may have thrown off their plans. They’ve targeted specific people for what seems like specific reasons but we only get general answers from Bray.)

Big E Langston has Curtis Axel & Ryback in the ring. Dumb bell gets double teamed. CM Punk took his grand old time but finally made the save. Vickie Guerrero, who was charged with making sure things ran smoothly, finally makes an appearance. She doesn’t even get to be part of the top of the hour segment. Mitchell Cool finally throws out the idea that CM Punk is the face of the WWE. Finally. The Big E Langston baby face turns is complete when he gets a hot tag from Punk. The Big Ending on Axel for the win. That cements his turn. Will Big E and Dolph be friends again? R Truth becomes the new Don West of wrestling. Actually, I’d take him doing that segment every week instead of wrestling. Deal?

Big_Swing

The Real Americans are taking on Tons of Funk, again, right? I don’t care enough about either of these teams to remember. El Torito gets an inset promo. Oh my, more respect talk. I’m so tired of respect talk. Tensai gets to take the beating first. Zeb Colter gets a head set again. Glad that a pair of managers can fight with their teams being irrelevant. Big Swing by Antonio Cesaro on Brodus Clay reminds me that this is a rematch since he did it to Tensai last week. Swagger wins with the Patriot Lock. Zeb Colter didn’t get enough mic time so he talks in the ring. Colter pulls out a whip so he can look even more like Yosemite Sam.

Cody Rhodes & Goldust are on the head sets. The Shield are taking on the Usos, who get fireworks. Why did I never notice that? Mitchell Cool points out that the Usos never got their title shot after being named #1 contenders. Everyone agrees they kind of got the shaft. JBL calls out Cody for being milquetoast. Kind of weird hearing that about Cody. Dusty Rhodes is as old as Jim Leyland. Cody is finally playing dosi-do with JBL. Oh my lord, Cody asks about their spot in the brothers tag team in the history of wrestling. He gets a rise out of JBL. Finally some fun stuff in the booth.

After the break, Rollins is in control against Jey Uso. Goldust is bringing a weird dynamic. Reigns gets in. Jimmy gets the hot tag. Jey takes out Rollins. Reigns with a jumping clothesline. Jey makes the save. Reigns catches Jimmy and slams him. Super kick by Jimmy. He gets caught going for the splash. Dean Ambrose and the Rhodes start to fight. Rollins & Reigns  join in. So do the Usos. The Shield still takes control while being outnumbered. One of the Usos barely gets out of the way of Reigns getting dumped outside. I’d call that a classic DQ but I don’t remember an announcement.

HHH, Stephanie, Shawn Michaels, Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton all get to be in the closing segment. Orton gets to rattle off Undertaker, Sheamus and John Cena as HIAC wins. Not too shabby. Daniel Bryan thanks Orton for pushing him. The McMahon’s are offended by his saucy tone. HHH answers it with his own sauciness. They foreshadow HHH taking on Bryan. (Next Day Edit: I think HHH made a great point finally in making Daniel Bryan equivalent to Chris Jericho, RVD & Edge. Edge is a convenient example because of his injuries. The other two are super talented who never quite stepped into the HHH/HBK/Cena stratosphere. I’m not saying whether it’s their fault or not.) They’re pounding it over our heads. He wakes up Shawn Michaels by questioning his time training Bryan. Shawn will do what’s right. Orton gets to pipe back up. A big rig comes into the backstage area. It’s Big Show! He doesn’t work for them but he had a perfectly obstacle free lane for a big rig to get into the arena. So does Big Show cost Bryan the title on Sunday then? That’s what I’m going with. I can’t wait for another stratosphere moment for another Superstar go whizzing by. – Kevin

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