Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

enthusiasmI remember seeing a question posed something like “Would you be okay with Daniel Bryan getting screwed if that means he has a match at Wrestlemania with Shawn Michaels?” Well, we’ve come to that moment when good old HBK gave Bryan Sweet Chin Music at Hell In A Cell last night. I knew it was coming with Bryan going over Orton on both Raw & Smackdown as I said in our preview for HIAC. So I wasn’t surprised when I read the result but I was still disappointed. I wanted to see Bryan get that big win that seems to be lacking for everyone recently except CM Punk. I think it’d be awesome if HBK & Bryan had a match at Wrestlemania. But the reason I suspect my gut was disappointed at Bryan’s loss is the fact that every time I say “I’ll put my faith in the WWE” because I can see a great build up, it never materializes. Time to tune into Raw and find out how things shake out. Let’s roll.

I am glad the CM Punk vs Paul Heyman feud is over. It seemed to have run it’s course for the time being. Of course we get a rematch of Punk & Ryback. Glad I didn’t order last night. John Cena is the first one out the chute though. Of course. The question now is whether he becomes more of a main stay on Smackdown. He calls out JBL for some reason. Cena is doing a terrible impression. (Next Day Edit: Of JBL if you didn’t watch.) Well, he said he’s back in Raw. Now Smackdown too. Question answered. He’s still pretty dumb for coming back this soon. Cena drags Randy Orton into the conversation. Damien Sandow comes down with the briefcase. Sandow goes all doctor on Cena. Sandow ends up attacking Cena’s arm with the briefcase. The old ring post gimmick does the trick every time. So does tossing him into the stairs. Sandow calls for the referee. We get a commercial first.

That ensures that Cena wins, right? Sandow works over the arm. Belly to Belly Suplex gets Cena a break. But not much of one. Cena buys himself time again with a back drop. Holy cow, another commercial. Cena is going to win. Sandow is taking over again. Does this make him look better though? He’s beating up a guy who is inured so much so that a doctor is at ring side. Cena is just an idiot for breaking the count. No Mitchell Cool, it isn’t brave. Cena kicks out of the Termanoose. I haven’t spelled that before. Sandow kicks out after a neck breaker. Sandow with a cross face. Cena counters. Ugh. You’re Welcome? That’s the name of the move? I know it’s his catch phrase but it sounds nonlethal as a move. Attitude Adjustment. Mitchell Cool has an orgasm. I’m disgusted. Dean Ambrose is being made to defend his belt against Big E Langston. Seth Rollins wants to rectify their mistake. Believe in the Shield.

The Shield is in the ring. Big E Langston. Wow, that is a serious gash he got himself. Roman Reigns pulls down the ropes. The Shield attacks. Will Punk return the favor? Nope, the Usos do. I can handle more Usos vs Reigns & Rollins. Brad Maddox is back in action. (Next Day Edit: I suppose it should be noted that Maddox turned the match into a six man tag match.) Big Show is know to have a restraining order against him. Jimmy Uso is getting the beat down. Reigns missed clothesline looked awful even if it was on purpose. Jey gets the hot tag. The splash was his undoing again. I enjoyed the ending with the double spear by Reigns finishing it. The athleticism between the teams is good stuff. They seem to have good chemistry too.

Twice the spear for the same price!

Twice the spear for the same price!

Shawn Michaels doesn’t owe anyone an explanation but we’re going to get one anyway. He requests Daniel Bryan‘s presence. After a nice explanation, Michaels asks Bryan to accept his apology. HBK taught him not to trust anyone last night. Bryan still won’t shake after Shawn’s 2nd line of reasoning. HBK recites his accolades and offers the hand shake a third time. He goes for it and puts on the Yes! Lock. Why are refs coming out now but they let Cena got his ass handed to him? I love JBL’s outrage but his line of reasoning makes no sense.

Renee Young talks to Daniel Bryan. The Wyatt Family attacks. Interesting turn of events. Sister Abigail’s Kiss into chain link fence. We’re supposed to believe that hurts. The case into the head sells better. I’ve lost interest in this whole entrance rather quickly. El Torito has gone black tonight. By the way, all Mitchell Cool or Jerry Lawler needs to say back to JBL is that HBK told Bryan not to trust anyone. So why should HBK trust Bryan? 3MB brought a net to the ring even though they have a 3 on 2 advantage. Ha, JBL notes the color change. My woman thinks she could commentate “this shit” since she called the bull color change. Now she’s trying to tell me she knew what I was thinking. Nope, I stole her idea. I’m an unobservant mook. Slater goes to catch EL Torito. He slides under the ring. Fire extinguisher in the eyes leads to another gore. Double Back Drop for the Los Matadores win. They catch Slater. El Torito nails Slater with some sort of cross body block type move.

AJ Lee is in the ring celebrating. Tamina is in tow. Oh, we get another tag team match. (Next Day Note: I was laughing last night as I tried to retroactively do the set up for the match because I had either FFed thru the entrances or just not been paying attention. Not my best work.) The Bellas are taking on the heels. She’s been forced into the match? Please shoot this down JBL. He doesn’t. Cool does shoot down JBL’s argument about Michaels & Bryan. Wrong segment chief. Jerry Lawler finally gets in my line about not trusting anyone. Tamina can’t seem to slam Nikki properly. She finally gives her a Samoan Drop. AJ is tagged in to tap out Nikki to the Black Widow. The break up of the Bellas is in full motion with Brie getting kicked out of the ring.

We get more Hell In a Cell recap. Kane is back on Raw. The Miz comes out as his opponent. Kane makes short work of the Miz. Mitchell Cool even says so. He calls out Stephanie McMahon. Kane tells her she’s ruined lives. He believes it is best for business. Kane tells her the monster is her’s to unleash. Kane gives her his mask and fake hair. Glad he could get rid of that. Another interesting turn of events.

The Prime Time Players are our salesmen this week. I’d prefer to see these guys in the ring. They’re not as good as the Usos or the Shield but I like them. David Otunga read the complaint from the Big Show on WWE.com. He sells the lawsuit as being legitimate and that it could cause the McMahon’s problems. Interesting again. (Next Day Note: Not interesting at all actually. You never get an actual lawsuit in wrestling. This route is just their out this time around. Note as always, sometimes I’m an idiot.) CM Punk comes out before his match with Ryback. He gets to gloat that Paul Heyman is history. Sounds like he’s ready for a shot at Randy Orton from that speech. He just needs to clear Ryback off his platter once and for all.

Sam Waterston

Can we get Sam Waterston to read all legal action going on in the WWE?

Ryback comes out after we find out that it’s a street fight. Punk went for a cross body for some reason. Ryback using power early. Headkick leads to the elbow through a table. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. Ryback taps. Wow, that was entirely too quick. Lawler points out it had all of the voted on gimmicks. Bray Wyatt shows up again. They do the slow roll up the run way. Harper & Rowan attack. How exactly would Punk leave? Through the crowd I suppose. They have the ramp blocked off. He blows out the lamp and they’re on their way already so that avenue is cut off. Punk head butts Wyatt. Sister Abigail again.

The Real Americans are taking on Goldust & Cody Rhodes. Goldust gets the revival of his career talk. Cody and Antonio Cesaro hook up. Goldust tags in with a bull dog. Cody & Swagger come in quickly. All for a commercial break. Swagger is in control of Cody. I want to gouge my eyes out reading the Tweets they put up on the screen. The Double Stomp continues to impress me. Cesaro with the super upper cut. Goldust saves the match. Cody knees Cesaro for an opening. Swagger & Goldust get tags. Vintage hot tag. Goldust with a spinning cross body. Swagger gets the Patriot Lock. After chaos with all four men, Swagger chop blocks Goldust. Swagger goes for the Patriot Lock again. He gets the tap out. These guys finally get a win to go with all of Zeb Colter’s promo time.

Alberto Del Rio doesn’t care about Damien Sandow. John Cena stole his title. He’s going to make his arm a target. He seems to have lost some gusto.

Fandango actually escorted Summer Rae out to the ring. The Great Khali & Hornswoggle bring out Natalya. I had no idea Summer Rae got the pin on Natalya. Summer is doing more show material than actual wrestling. She’s definitely flexible. Natalya sparked the match for about five seconds. A bunch of rest holds. The more the announcers call for the upset, the less I expect it. Summer Rae bitches at Khali for beating up Fandango. Sharpshooter for the win. What a pathetic win.

HHH presents Randy Orton to us. I can’t wait until Herb Dean turns on someone in a big championship match. (Next Day Note: For those of you that don’t watch the UFC, he’s one of their referees. He’ll never attack someone during a fight.) JBL is very proud of an AWOL Marine who shits in women’s bags. Good for you. Steph gets to be condescending. More respect is needed. Randy Orton isn’t as good as Steph in condescension. Big Show gets Steph, Randy Orton & HHH to run. Randy Orton attacks from behind. He still gets knocked out. HHH pretends to man up. Big Show is sporting a new shirt which is hilarious. He doesn’t work for us but we’re making him new t shirt designs! – Kevin

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