Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Kia And Cay at Melissas ParentsSeeing as though I’m taking my hound dog Kia into a specialist to have her heart murmur looked x-rayed on Wednesday, Peter King’s page about putting down his Golden Retriever Bailey really touched me. It also reminded me of Bill Simmons writing a eulogy for his dog the Dooze. The first time I read about having to put down a dog was Marley & Me. I’m starting to wonder if it’s become cliche to write about your dog when that time comes. I don’t want it to come but it’s coming. The heart murmur is not taking my mind away from that time. Enjoy your pets as long as you can. Time to review some wrestling. Let’s roll.

Video Package Count: 2 before we see live action. The usual tribute to the troops then a Big Show package. I didn’t read the spoilers so it’s all new to me. The Authority is away so the mice are going to play. Oh my! Randy Orton takes forever and a day to get to the ring as usual. Of course the way he starts his promo is “I’ll get right to it…” You don’t do anything quickly, Randy. He’s in charge of Raw tonight. Brad Maddox was more exciting in his twenty second promo. Corporate Kane says he’s in charge. Maddox tries to make a match but Kane suggests another opponent. Vickie Guerrero comes out to toss around her weight. So I’ve found something worse than HHH & Steph being on TV, bit players arguing power for three hours of TV. HHH & Steph run a tight ship. Wouldn’t best for business mean appointing someone boss so this doesn’t happen? For some reason, she has Orton take on Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Why is a heel screwing a heel?

Goldust and Orton are in the ring after the break. It’s got to fill you with confidence when the crowd chants “Randy’s Boring”. Not a flattering mock chant. He’s so boring, I didn’t need to type anything of significance before the next commercial. Goldust is taking a beating still. Cody Rhodes gets a hot tag. Orton gets himself counted out. Big Show arrives to attack Orton. Super choke slam off the top of the stairs thru the announce table. That’s got to smart.

Big Show goes out for a pint since Sheamus can’t. Los Matadores & El Torito get to bore me even more. Santino Marella is their team mate.  3MB comes out as the Union Jacks. The crowd is behind them. Mitchell Cool calls him Bulltino because he’s wearing horns. Yuck. Bull Cobra win. Double yuck. Randy Orton yells at Maddox then Vickie. Kane isn’t taking Orton’s shit. It’s official, my boy is the new Christian because he gets a crack at the IC Title.

Damien Sandow is waiting in the ring. Kofi Kingston is his opponent. Sandow showing a mean streak early. I don’t catch much of the match though because I’m talking over Wrestlemania plans. You’re Welcome for the win. I guess the Terminoose is no longer.

Dolph Ziggler comes down first. Curtis Axel comes down second as the champion. Axel gets the upper hand early. Ziggler turns things around with a drop kick. Ziggler’s spill to the outside looked rough. They talk over Axel’s psyche without Paul Heyman. Mitchell said “Billy Gunn” like he was going thru puberty. Super face plant only gets Ziggler a two count. Axel gives Ziggler one move for the win. Fuck Jack Swagger. Give credit to Ziggler for a great match, are you fucking kidding me? Kane has his new arguing partner in Brad Maddox. The Real Americans are taking on John Cena. The Shield is taking on CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Sounds like we got our hour mark matches.

I didn’t ever realize how bitchy the Bellas entrance was. You can look but not touch? Aren’t you baby faces? Shouldn’t you change their entrance music? Nikki Bella is taking on Tamina. Brie & AJ Lee are at ring side for their respective partners. Tamina uses her strength to smack around Nikki. The later gets to have some quick strike offense. AJ cheats for Tamina. Superfly splash for the win. AJ took out Brie after that. Brie dropkicks AJ then Tamina. We get a stand off then. No one cares.

Video Package Count: 3. The Shield goes in to have an audience with Randy Orton. For some reason, the trainer is still working on him. The Shield doesn’t work for anyone that was supposed to be in charge tonight. So is this match going to involve Fandango or is Summer Rae in action again?

Video Package Count: 4. This time to preview Total Divas. Tyson and Nattie still don’t know how to be a couple. The review will be up sometime tomorrow. Tyson Kidd is Fandango’s opponent. Kidd looks sharp again. Fandango gets the cheap roll up win. The crowd is happy. I don’t really care because I’m over Fandango. I’d rather him get some in ring cred. A cheap win over a guy coming back from an injury isn’t the way to do it.

emma_watson_2013

Emma Watson for Zeb’s xenophobia

Zeb Colter gets to run down a different culture. Jack Swagger starts off against John Cena. Antonio Cesaro is about to hook up with Cena when Alberto Del Rio shows up. Cesaro (and Swagger) get the upper hand as we break. I was looking forward to them going at each other but Cesaro isn’t staying in there too long. Cesaro is a big hit with his upper cut and the Big Swing. I just realized I’m still about an hour behind. I’m not excited. Watching Total Divas before Raw didn’t help matters. Swagger gets to put on the Patriot Lock but no one thinks Cena’s going to tap. Attitude Adjustment but Cesaro makes the save. Another super upper cut by Cesaro but he only gets a two count. What is up with the cross body recently? Cena & Cesaro each connected with one. STF for the tap out win. Cesaro attacks but gets tossed. Del Rio attacks with a chair. He stomps on a chair with Cena’s arm in a chair. Big E Langston makes the save. So I’m guessing it’s best for business to cripple your biggest star?

We’ve got a new match at Survivor Series with Alberto Del Rio taking on John Cena for the World Heavyweight Championship. Del Rio gets to take on Big E too. Ryback comes to the ring. He gets to squash R Truth. What’s up? I wasn’t even paying attention when Truth rolled up Ryback for the win. Big E Langston, have a good look at your future.

Video Package Count: 5. More replays from earlier in the night. Big E Langston comes out. Alberto Del Rio comes out next. Big E with a big shoulder tackle. Del Rio busting out the sleeper hold. I wonder if he knows as many submissions as Daniel Bryan? Big E starts his comeback. Del Rio pulls the cross arm breaker out of the Big Ending. Big E needs a new finisher. He’s lost out of it the past two weeks. If JBL says “Mexico’s finest export again” I may travel to England to ensure he doesn’t talk ever again. Video Package Count: 6. For the veterans again.

Paul Heyman joins us in a wheel chair and a neck brace. He is redundantly carrying a crutch. Heyman tosses Ryback under the bus. Good way to separate them but again, isn’t a heel dumping on another heel? The beating is all our fault. Heyman cracked himself up talking about his own prose. He will return with a vengeance. A Sword of Damacles reference again? CM Punk comes out. He makes short work of Curtis Axel. Punk pulls out a kendo stick. He then spins around Heyman and starts beating him again. Daniel Bryan shows up to really dump on Heyman. I’m thinking the pulled back hair is a better look for Bryan. He’s never going to be a good looking guy.

The Shield comes out for the main event. Dean Ambrose starts against Punk. King with his first good line of the night when he nails JBL for leaving Ron Simmons high and dry in about everything. Roman Reigns is beating on Punk. Bryan gets tagged in for a flurry. Reigns with a double clothesline. Seth Rollins comes in. The belly to belly release suplex looked like a rough landing for Rollins. Enziguri on a distracted Bryan turns the tide. Rollins is still in control after the break. Reigns adopts a Samoan palm thrust. Expand that offense big man. Punk with a hot tag. He cleans house on Ambrose. Running high knee. Big Savage Elbow. Daniel Bryan with a suicide dive. Reigns with a spear. Punk with a suicide dive. Reigns is given the GTS. Ambrose was legal. He gets  the Anaconda Vice when the Wyatt Family shows up. Rollins gets in Luke Harper’s face. Ambrose gets in Erick Rowan’s face. They fight. Bray Wyatt starts it against Reigns. They finally stop fighting and turn to Bryan & Punk. Those dummies should have grabbed weapons instead of putting their thumbs in their asses. The Usos, Cody Rhodes & Goldust arrive. Old fashioned scrum at the night. Formula for a Survivor Series match? Seems perfect to me. Raw Country is advertised for next week. Interesting. – Kevin

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