Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #ImpactLive

MVP! MVP! MVP!

MVP! MVP! MVP!

In dog related news, Kia is doing as well as she can while still having a heart murmur. I’m happy to have some piece of mind that it isn’t an immediate problem. Other good news, my boy Andrew McCutchen of the Pittsburgh Pirates won the NL MVP in a landslide with 28 of 30 first place votes. Way to go Cutch. I’m going to review a very un-MVP like edition of Impact Wrestling to make up for being lazy in the audio department this week. You’re a lucky group of readers. Let’s roll.

They start off with a lower quality version of WWE’s video packages. At least they’re hyping the main event between Austin Aries and  Kurt Angle. Aces & Eights come out. Tazz gets to brag. Bully Ray talks trash to Mike Tenay. He’s the puppet master. He may have fooled us but it was to assault Mr. Anderson. Not exactly who you should pull that on. Don’t you wait for a higher quality target? He accepts Mr. Anderson’s match. Ken Anderson graces us with his presence. Anderson requests a break up Aces & Eights for his career in TNA match stipulation. Anderson is dumb for the second week in a row and takes on Aces & Eights. He fights out of it though. Anderson wants a match now. Knux is taking him on after the break.

Bully Ray & Garrett Bischoff were sent to the back. TNA loves having guys wrestle in jeans. If Anderson had in mind challenging someone, why didn’t he wear his ring gear to the trash talking session? Dummy. Mic Check out of nowhere for the win. I wouldn’t be shaking in my boots if I were Bully Ray. Anderson barely pulled it off against one of his lackeys. Granted, with that kind of stipulation I expect Anderson to win. Joseph Park has been contemplating Bad Influence all week. Park challenges Christopher Daniels, mano e mano which means interference will happen. Christopher Daniels was trying to give Park a drink last week. Daniels tells Kazarian to stay in the back. They run into Bobby Roode who is showing off his new terrible t shirt. Not their best segment. I do enjoy their act more times than not.

Video Package Count: 2. More about Austin Aries vs Kurt Angle. Joseph Park is taking on Chris Daniels. The later gets the upper hand early. Daniels can’t seem to put away Park. Joseph slam and side slams Daniels. Earl Hebner backs Park out of the corner. He tosses Hebner aside. Daniels kicks him in the groin while Hebner is turned. Daniels wins with the low blow. Park’s character may be better but his wrestling still sucks.WWE2K14 ad.

Garrett Bischoff tries to talk down Knux. Bully Ray isn’t mad either. We can’t tell Brooke about Lexus. Don’t worry, almost no one in wrestling watches their own product. EC3 is out again to face some schmuck unless they’re finally going to break the streak. Nope, just two schmucks this time. They keep working over Carter’s arm. A leaping clothesline turns things CP3’s way. The schmucks know how to wrestle but are stick thin. I get feeding him jobbers but he’s giving up too much offense. The 1 Percenter for the win. The world needs him.

Video Package Count: 3. This time, it’s a “commercial” for AJ Styles. Interesting take but not the best package. Dixie Carter shrieks. Jeff Hardy loves the unconventional promos. He’s so much more comfortable in this environment and you can tell. Hardy wants to be champ again. I’m not sure if Austin Aries really got a video package. It was more like a video envelope.

Nothing says hard title defense like beating a fat old Mexican wrestler.

Nothing says hard title defense like beating a fat old Mexican wrestler.

Dixie Carter gets to make my brain hurt. They admit that Styles is wrestling in AAA right now so the commercial was recent. Dixie tosses Chris Sabin under the bus by not remembering his name. Spike TV is bringing us a PPV on TV live next week. Hmmm, two weeks in a row might happen. Bobby Roode, James Storm, Samoa Joe and Magnus are invited out. They are pimping #Impact365. Dixie tells Storm to step up. Storm gets sufficiently angry. Roode isn’t getting more mic time.  Samoa Joe is pissed at Dixie for not cutting a deal with AJ Styles. He promises to defend the title against Styles when he wins. Magnus gets his time. They face off. Ken Anderson attacks Garrett Bischoff. He handcuffs him to possibly a dolly.  Does Anderson think that’ll help him next week?

Kurt Angle got a video envelope too. Gail Kim comes out with Lai’d Tapa. Her open challenge was accepted by Hannah Blossom. She was part of British Bootcamp. Kim gives Blossom the figure four on the ring post. Eat Da Feet. That’s what a squash is supposed to look like. I’m sure a big name will come along at some point or else they wouldn’t have set this story in motion. I hope.

Joseph Park calls himself a future TNA HOFer. You wouldn’t meet the WWE’s standard. He issues a challenge to Abyss. Interesting. Austin Aries and Kurt Angle came to the ring. Ken Anderson carries a limp Garrett Bischoff somewhere. Now that kind of an assault might incapacitate Bischoff next week.

Austin Aries and Kurt Angle trade basic holds. Good idea to start slow since they’re giving this match plenty of time. Early Ankle Lock chance. Aries almost gets the Last Chancery. Kurt Angle has the upper hand but he gets distracted by Bobby Roode. Aries comes off the top rope too late. It made sense for Angle to counter it. Roode takes a seat on the stage. Aries knocks Angle outside for the break. Neck breaker on the middle rope by Aries. Angle takes over with several suplexes. Angle nails the triple suplex with the release on three. Roaring Elbow by Aries knocks Angle outside. Aries nails a double sledge. Angle turns a top rope drop kick into an Ankle Lock. Counter by roll through. Another drop kick into an Ankle Lock. Aries, that;s the third time he’s done it. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself. Aries with a suicide dive. Angle sells the head to the floor. Aries connects with drop kick number four. So much for my advice. Brain buster. Aries goes into a Last Chancery. They trade blows. Aries blocks the third German suplex. Aries tossed Angle off the top ropes twice. He missed the 450. Angle locks in the the cross face. Aries taps. Boo but they keep hyping a Roode vs Angle finale so he’s got to win.

Mr. Anderson drags Bischoff out on stage. Roode is an onlooker. Anderson pile drives Bischoff on the stage. Angle is just looking at Roode. Um, why the fuck did that happen right there? Have the whole episode happen prior to this moment anywhere. Pick the other 119 minutes of the show. Anderson vs Bully Ray isn’t as important as building your story for the TNA Title. Christ on a pony. – Kevin

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