Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

It was fantastic having a weekend in before the storm that is Thankmas. (They spell it wrong in the otherwise fantastic piece of art.) I killed a growler of Zauber’s Poltergeist, which is quite tasty. The lady & I are headed to Dayton for Thanksgiving. On Friday, it’s time to go watch the Pitt Panthers match it up with the Miami Hurricanes. We’re then moving on to Altoona for Thankmas on Saturday. We’ll be back in the ‘Bus on Sunday.

Randy Orton saunters down to the ring like normal. He takes so long that the announcers introduce matches during it. He barely cuts a promo before inviting down HHH & Stephanie. Randy Orton is not impressed with Steph’s reasoning. Orton can take care of himself. He wipes like a big boy. Randy proclaims to be the best Superstar ever. That brings out John Cena. Steph thinks John will have a potty mouth. Cena is thinking there needs to only be one title. John, this match was not eleven years in the making. HHH makes the match at TLC.

Roman Reigns gets his time in the spotlight for his four spears. Cody Rhodes & Goldust come out. Rey Mysterio wants some revenge too. Goldust gets roughed up by Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins early. Goldust made a leaping Rollins pay with a reverse atomic drop. Goldie couldn’t tag still though.  Rey looks better than ever according to JBL. No surprise it was a fun exchange with Rollins. Reigns saves Ambrose from a pin. Rey gets speared going for a 619. He gets Goldust too. Cody drop kicks Reigns outside. Ambrose with the head plant for the win. Fun stuff again. Glad Ambrose got the pin. He seems to have been lagging. Michael Strahan gets his first air time 30 minutes into the show.

The Miz is in the ring. He was explaining on the After Opie & Anthony Live that he’s fine with being a utility player in the WWE. He is saving his body doing segments like this one. Titus O’Neil comes out as Strahan. He starts answering questions. It’s supposed to be funny. The Miz makes fun of the gap in the teeth. The Miz taking shots at the Giants while his Browns absolutely sucked yesterday. Michael Strahan comes out. I zone out of the match up he makes. John Cena & Big Show are taking on Alberto Del Rio & Randy Orton. (Next Day Note: I had only really zoned out of the heels announcement. I did the backwards day after a PPV math and figured their old opponents would be in there.) The Miz challenges Strahan to a match. We get a wrestling clinic. The Miz gets the hip toss reversed. Titus does the Millions of Dollars dance then gets hip tossed. The announcers loved it. If they weren’t getting paid, they’d disagree.

Ryback is teaming with Curtis Axel against Big E Langston & Mark Henry. The WWE is making it really easy to make jokes. Xavier Woods & R Truth last week. Just saying. Ouch. Ryback looked like he dumped Big E on his shoulder. Mark Henry gets to beat up on Curtis Axel. World’s Strongest Slam. World’s Strongest Team postulates Lawler.

The Divas get a rematch of the Survivor Series match. Brie starts off against Aksana. Facebuster eliminates Aksana. Rosa Mendes doesn’t look good in white with blonde hair. Nikki pins Rosa. Super kick by Tamina on Naomi for an elimination. Cameron comes in because she’s an idiot. Samoan Drop for another elimination. Natalya matches up better with Tamina. Jojo pins Tamina after Natalya does the work. Alicia Fox eliminates Jojo. Eva Marie gets booed so naturally she’s on the face team. She pins Fox very poorly. Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter on Kaitlyn. I can’t keep up with the pins. Pathetic that there’s so little time. AJ rolls up Natalya. Facebuster by Brie eliminates AJ Lee. Summer Rae is the last one on the other team. Summer dances for us. Nikki can do the Worm. Nikki with the Torture Rack drop down for the last elimination. What a train wreck. I shouldn’t have to pay for that slop.

From because a hand holding a pencil needs to be watermarked.

From because a hand holding a pencil needs to be watermarked.

There’s so much red in the paragraph above that I feel like I was correcting work from Idiot Intern. Damien Sandow isn’t happy with the stipulation. Dolph Ziggler is his opponent again. People voting knew the matches all meant the same thing so the voting was pretty even. John Tavares is a stud for the Islanders but I wish Ziggler didn’t have to resort to that. They have a bunch of goofy shit in the ring again. Sandow recovers with a mic shot to Ziggler. Mitchell Cool references the Mean Street Posse which shows you the importance level of this match despite it’s commercial break. Sandow dumps out the cleanest garbage can ever. Sandow drops the Elbow of Disdain. Fire extinguisher to the face by Ziggler. I’ve been hit with one before, it isn’t disorienting. It does taste like real garbage though. Rob Zombie, I will get you back. Sandow belts Ziggler with a garbage can. The crowd is paying more attention to the crowd. DDT on a chair by Ziggler. Sandow broke an oar against Ziggler’s back. Full Nelson slam on a garbage can gets Sandow a three count. I skipped through the Miz’s new movie. Michael Strahan is talking to Santino Marella when Erick Rowan offers him a sheep’s mask. Interesting. Santino checks back in after Rowan leaves. I have no idea why he babbled so long. Which wasn’t really that long.

Renee Young is in the ring and introduces CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Oh, she’s interviewing them so there’s no need for full introductions. I’m digging Bryan’s new shirt. They try to get a new team name.  Punk wonders a little aimlessly when he doesn’t have a good focus for his promo. Tonight is one of those nights. The Wyatt Family comes out on cue. Punk starts off against Rowan. Punk and Bryan beat on Luke Harper. Bryan ends up taking the ass kicking for the baby faces. I amend that statement unless they end this match sooner than I expect. Punk gets a hot tag and takes out Rowan. Punk gets distracted with Bray & Harper. Rowan tosses him over the top ropes to the floor. Break. Punk gets to do the longer term sell job. Rowan throwing an extra degree of difficulty with the bear hug toss. Bryan with the smoking hot tag. He clears out Bray and Harper. Bryan gets to the Yes Lock but is attacked by Rowan. Harper slams Bryan. Bray & Rowan jump Punk. We get a DQ. What is the referee supposed to do? He’s not going to be able to stop the Wyatts even if he got physically involved. Rowan carries off Bryan. Roman Reigns spears Punk to stop him from pursuing Bryan. Ambrose & Rollins roll Punk into the ring. Triple power bomb. Hmmm. Interesting. Let’s see where these issues go. I’m nowhere near giving an opinion on these events. Punk & Bryan will clearly be in separate feuds.

The Miz talks to the star of the movie. Kofi Kingston comes to the ring because he’s obligated to have a match every Raw. I forgot this match was on the pre-show of Survivor Series. I can’t wait until these guys switch opponents with Dolph Ziggler & Damien Sandow. They’re all in the same tier, right?  The announcers are talking about anything but this match up confirming my suspicion. SOS that gets the Miz a mouth full of butt cheek. Botched cross body. Crucifix pin for the Miz when Kofi got bitchy. Serves you right Kofi. Don’t pout. Hit your opponent again. Mick Foley gets to do a terrific ad for

R Truth is going to tell us some news. Xavier Woods gets to come in with the Funkadactyls. He is a much better fit than the ironic Brodus Clay fat guy dancing routine. He’s wrestling Heath Slater. The announcers sell Slater to us. Slater drops Woods face first on the top turn buckle. The dreaded reverse chin lock. Rolling clothes line. Out of the Woods for the win. He looks fun. Really athletic in the ring. I don’t FF the talk about Saturday Night’s Main Event. Pay per views happen more often these days. You can’t make that special.

Michael Strahan signs balls for the Bellas. They root for the Philadelphia Eagles. The Funkadactyls get the same favor. Eva Marie sells Total Divas. Goldust comes in. Fun ending for the first time tonight.

I blow through the entrances. Randy Orton & Alberto Del Rio are taking on John Cena & the Big Show. Show chops Orton. Big Show dropping an elbow seems strange. Doesn’t he usually do a leg drop? Commercial. Del Rio is in control of John Cena. Strange. Orton takes over the offense. Makes sense for Cena to take the beating in this match. Del Rio gets a two count after a DDT. Del Rio misses the slide thru the ropes move. Ouch. Big Show hot tag. He smacks around Del Rio.  Big Show misses the charge. The announcers start selling the punt from last night. Orton starts stomping on Big Show’s head. I completely agree with JBL in that the ref should call the match. The heels keep working over the head. The doctor comes in the ring. The doctor lets him wrestle. Dummy. Spear by Show on Orton.  Cena gets a hot tag too. Del Rio can’t see him. Yes he can. Tilt a whirl back breaker. Cross arm breaker turns into an STF. Del Rio taps out. Cena checks on Big Show. Del Rio attacks from behind. Orton cracks Cena in the head with the title.  Orton grabs the World Title. He holds them up over Cena. Solid end but Orton doesn’t pass my “He can beat Cena” test. Orton’s been on Smackdown for years for a reason. – Kevin

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