Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

From roflcat.com if you can't read really small print.

From roflcat.com if you can’t read really small print.

I have a 3/4 done post about beer that I was hoping to post, I have a perfect column in mind for last week’s ROH airing that I just watched last night and I tried to get done a Weekend Rewind last night but it sits in worse condition than the ROH idea. Very unproductive weekend. I will get cracking this week. I really enjoyed doing the Walking Dead Mid-Season Review today so that’s a good start. We watched Total Divas right before doing this column. Another good thing. Although she is really irritated with the show this week so it should make for a funny column. (Next Day Edit: She was so pissed she didn’t know what she’d write. I told her to let the sarcasm out. Always makes me laugh when she gets snarky. We’ll see what happens.) Let’s roll.

CM Punk graces the ring first. He has the best guts in the business. He wants to live in his own universe away from HHH. He’s bleeped so I’m quite sure they knew it was coming. Stephanie McMahon comes out. The Authority is for free speech. The look on Punk’s face when he questioned Steph was priceless. Punk needs to direct his questions to Kane. Shouldn’t he get new music with this character? Kane gets to drone on. Punk challenges Kane to a match. The Shield shows up. How can JBL say there’s no collusion when they were directly working for the Authority the last several months? The worse fact is that neither of the other announcers have come up with this point. Mitchell Cool tells us they’ll only have one belt clarifying loop holes that everyone was looking for with their wording from last week. (Next Day Edit: I still think this build up isn’t enough for this type of match. Having the unification happen at TLC isn’t helping my misgivings.)

Damien Sandow gets to beat my boy Dolph Ziggler since Big E Langston is the Intercontinental Champion. Big E is on the headset. I’m sure Dolph wants a shot at the IC Title so that he can start chasing Chris Jericho’s record. They have a standard match which makes it bizarre after two consecutive brawls. JBL points out that a concussion cost Ziggler his second title reign. Oh no, he didn’t he called him out for his short title reigns. You’re Welcome for the Sandow win. I want to vomit. Shortest match of their trio.

The Divas get a gigantic tag match again because there’s no good way to get them on TV otherwise. The Bellas & Natalya are taking on AJ Lee, Tamina & Summer Rae. Tamina takes a beating from the Bellas early. Tamina takes over on Brie. AJ Lee continues to skip around the ring. Summer Rae botches a sunset flip. Natalya gets the hot tag. AJ makes the tag when Natalya is down. She played opossum. Small package by Natalya gets a victory. (Next Day Edit: Roll up win #1.) She continues on her hot streak. AJ  skips away from the match.

Holy Christ on a pony. Bad News Barrett. Who thought this was a good idea? My woman has a perfect question “Why is he stealing Damien Sandow’s material?” Randy Orton is glaring at Brad Maddox. He wants to be recognized as the greatest ever. Maddox is going to be his errand boy. Maddox needs to trim the bear. Not a good look. Daniel Bryan hits the entrance. Weird that he’s this pumped up.

Bryan takes on Erick Rowan after the break. It’d be criminal to not give him a microphone tonight. They still have plenty of time. It’s a power versus speed match. JBL going off the rails. They’re exchanging smaller flurries of offense than I’m used to. Rowan tosses Bryan into the barricade for a break. Nice of them to start an extended sell after I mention it. Rowan keeps going with the beat down. Bryan got shut down on an apparent comeback. I’ve been trying to ignore the Slammy categories because they make my brain hurt. I think JBL drank before this show. Rowan misses a splash to get things moving in the right direction. Rowan slows him with a boot to the face. Roll up out of a guerrilla press slam for the win. (Next Day Edit: Roll up victory #2.)The lights go out. Bray Wyatt tells Rowan & Harper to stand down. Bray understands Bryan. Together they can bring the machine to it’s knees. Interesting. Will a storyline finally be complete with the Wyatt Family? (Next Day Edit: Of course this storyline will be completed and everyone will be crapped on like Alberto Del Rio after it’s over. See below.)

stegosaurus-pet-costume

Kane talks to Daniel Bryan. He gets a handicapped match against all three Wyatts. Wasn’t the Authority against handicapped matches 2 weeks ago when Vickie Guerrero overloaded on them? I’m hoping that the Brodus Clay is pissed storyline leads to him dropping this dumb gimmick that lost almost all of its’ punch. It’s a tag match of Xavier Woods & R Truth against Clay & Tensai. Woods gets to take beating from both. He’s woozy but tags in R Truth. The stegosaurus fins on the tights is way too much. Woods talkes out Clay’s leg. Clay crushes him with a splash in the corner. He missed a second rope splash. Spinning roll up for the Woods pin. (Next Day Edit: Roll up victory #3.) Tensai tries to talk him down. It works for now.

Alberto Del Rio is going to beat Sin Cara for the millionth time. Pretty sure that’s the count. This time, Sin Cara has a gigantic shoulder tattoo. JBL is still stuck on the mask thing. We can’t get past that, huh? Or the mood lighting for Sin Cara? He’s been gone long enough no one remembers. It’s disgusting to have ketchup, mustard or both in your beer. It will definitely change the flavor profile. What the fuck just happened? Swanton Bomb for the Sin Cara win. Is Del Rio finally getting his long awaited teeth kicking for a year? (Next Day Edit: Of course Del Rio’s year long ass kicking would happen after he finally got his character straight. Let’s reward the guy when he’s terrible because of his potential but then crap on him when he reaches it. Congratulations! I understand the concept of letting the air out sometimes so you don’t burn a character out too early but then you’ve got no leg to stand on when Orton vs Cena is another main event.)

Renee Young is very excited to introduce John Cena. He sells how important the titles were. One company, one champion. The Shield is laughing. CM Punk doesn’t stand a chance. Goldust & Cody Rhodes come out. Oh and why haven’t either of the bay face announcers mentioned the flip on the handicapped matches from a couple of weeks ago? Because they’re both not very good at their jobs. Big Show is out next. Glad to know all of these beat downs are being sold for less than a week.

They’re taking on The Shield. Dean Ambrose starts against Big Show. JBL tries to explain the dumb decision but Cool & Lawler still are drawing blanks. They should be embarrassed with themselves. Seth Rollins gets his shot at Show. Roman Reigns gets to have a show down with the Big one. He has no success. Rhodes comes in for a cup of coffee. Goldust works over Rollins. Cody comes back in. Figured he’d take the beating. Rhodes clears out the Shield when he gets caught in their corner. Ambrose slams his arm against a ring post. Break. Glad to see Reigns reviving the Heart Punch. Big Show only gets the baby hot tag which means he needs to do some selling. Maybe the announcers should mention the beat down from last week? Nah. Reigns takes a choke slam but Show can’t capitalize. Goldust hits the ring. Head scissors take over for Goldie. Looked a little rough, leave that in the bag of tricks. Big Show gets speared outside. Rhodes takes out Reigns. Goldust superplexes Ambrose. Rollins rolls up Goldie for the the win. Cool finish. (Next Day Edit: Even if I liked the switcheroo, it’s still victory #4 with a roll up.)

Renee Young gets to question CM Punk. He’s overjoyed at the prospect of the match. Punk goes Chris Jericho on us. He knows he’s going down. How many of the Shield is he taking with him? Punk has been back on after the Shield attack. Bad News Barrett is awful.

Ryback & Curtis Axel are teaming against Kofi Kingston & The Miz. Huh? Is the Miz a face again because his movie was a train wreck? The Miz had control on Axel. Curtis clotheslined him in the back of the head. He got to tag in Ryback. I hope Kofi acts like a dick and doesn’t tag in. Kofi is more vocal than normal. Hmmm. Nope, Kofi tags in. Now the Miz will blame the hit on Kofi. Shellshock. I would be fine with Ryback & Axel as a team. Hides their weaknesses. Let’s them regroup without losing in singles matches.

Fandango gets to have his ass kicked by Mark Henry. I love Fandango’s tights. Regular slam by Henry. The Summer Rae distraction doesn’t work. Henry misses a corner charge. Henry catches Fandango but still got knocked over. They paper over the blown spot well. World’s Strongest Slam. Henry tries to get Summer Rae to dance with him. Good for Titus O’Neil that he’s getting TV time but that Thanksgiving throw up was not even entertaining to my four year old nephew.

cattime.com

cattime.com

O’Neil & Darren Young are in the ring. Zeb Colter is mad at O’Neil for puking. Swagger almost forgets to put his hand on his heart. Mitchell agrees with Zeb. O’Neil starts against Jack Swagger. O’Neil runs into a Swagger boot. Antonio Cesaro & Swagger start beating up on him. The way the announcers are talking, I’m fearing the puking will be a repeating gimmick. Solid “Swagger Sucks” chant. They sell Cesaro double stomping O’Neil’s stomach. Gut wrench suplex which has been a favorite of mine from childhood. Glad to see him bringing it back. Cesaro goes for the big swing. The crowd wants it. Darren Young gets the tag in because O’Neil looks like he’s going to ralph. Nice Northern Lights suplex from Young.  He catches a super uppercut jumping from the ropes. Cesaro gets the pin. It’s the right outcome if they move on against Goldust & Rhodes.

The super contract signing is last. HHH & Steph are the first ones out. Randy Orton loves to saunter. John Cena loves the ladies. HHH says they’ve earned their place in history. Legacy cementing. I’m pretty sure Cena did that winning the rematch with the Rock. This is just another notch in his belt. Randy Orton, it gets him the cement. Orton gets the mic first.He’s greater than HHH but they have their similarities like hating John Cena. This match is getting as much hype as they can muster. Cena tells Orton he never lived up to his potential. I always like this version of Cena. Holy crap. My DVR cut off. Piss off WWE. I tape until 11:10, five minutes over your time slot. – Kevin

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