Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

water-drippingI was very happy that my new counter tops were installed today. Unfortunately the night has ended with the water main dripping and me not being able to find my plumber’s wrench. I wonder if Baby Momma Drama took them since he did so much house work. I had another intro but this one over rode it. Let’s roll. Really late.

The WWE allows me to go with the regular introduction because the video package reminds me of my indifference to this unification. I don’t hate that Randy Orton won. I don’t like that he won either. I don’t care that John Cena didn’t win. I wouldn’t give a care if he won either. A standing ovation, Mitchell Cool? Really? I don’t even hear a lot of boos. Orton has looked like a bitch but you know he’s a multi-time champion so it’s credible that he won the match up. HHH & Steph are posed rather seductively which is really odd. Isn’t it supposed to be more fun to be the heel? Because Randy Orton’s speech is hello boring. John Cena bags on him and his comatose speaking. He tries to goad him into a match with Daniel Bryan. Randy Orton steps over the line so Steph smacks him down. I don’t want a title shot for Daniel Bryan because he’ll win then lose later. Oh Steph, you’re so coy and funny saying we don’t understand the WWE Universe. HHH makes the match. So is this supposed to be the funny part where I laugh because Orton keeps putting his foot in his mouth to the Authority so they put him in his place, he apologizes then they rinse and repeat? This is the second round. How did I forget about the Wyatts? Interference city.

Goldust & Cody Rhodes are defending against Rey Mysterio & Big Show. Cody starts off with Rey. I grabbed water because I knew the match would go to commercial. Big Show tagged in to get said break. Big Show slam keeps going. The announcers make a hilarious joke about the presidential selfie. I’m dying from laughter here. The WWE is so hip and current because they’re making jokes about something recent. I would not be disappointed if some of these people tweeting comments that get on Raw were killed in a fiery accident. They’re the most mundane statements ever.  Is Randy Orton better than Daniel Bryan? We’ll find out tonight on #Raw! Knock yourself off. Goldust gets the hot tag against Big Show. Goldust gets choke slammed. Cody makes the save. Dust misses a twisting cross body. WMD. Rey drops the Dime from Big Show’s shoulders for the win.

Christmas Santa match. Oh goody. Bad News Barrett graces us with his presence. We can’t win the lottery. You definitely can’t when you don’t play. Randy Orton is mad at Steph & HHH. Kane is around this time. Steph turns around the argument and points out the obvious three on one match for Bryan. They keeps emphasizing the single championship but he’s still carrying around two belts. Care to explain?

Dolph Ziggler is taking on Fandango with Summer Rae. I must have glazed over the fact that Fandango beat Ziggler. (Wednesday Edit: Tuesday was that kind of day. On the TLC preshow.)  Jack Swagger should meet his fate at hands of one of the tweeters. The announcers are still enamored with the selfie. Ziggler barely beats Fandango with a roll up. I’m beyond annoyed. Shouldn’t Ziggler renew his confidence with an ass kicking? I think so. I’d say that about anyone who needs to get back on track.

Big E Langston & Mark Henry are taking on Jack Swagger & Antonio Cesaro. Langston starts against Swagger who tags out to Cesaro quickly. Henry takes over on Swagger. Langston gets back in. I love how the announcers are talking about Langston being a great champ. Yeah, he does that real effectively in a tag team. The baby faces are dominating who ever is in the ring. Right when I thought the WWE was positioning the Real Americans for a title run, they look terrible. Cesaro & Swagger double team Langston to change moment. The gut wrench suplex by Cesaro is impressive. Cool shot of Cesaro jumping on Langston’s back as he tries to make a tag.  Henry gets the hot tag. Paying homage to the Junkyard Dog! I love when Cool goes through puberty on air. Cesaro teases the Big Swing but Big E got the hidden tag and stopped it. (Wednesday Edit: What a terrible sentence it was before the correction.) Big Ending for the win. The Real Americans get knocked back down the ladder again.

JYD Topps CardNaughty Damien Sandow Santa has AJ Lee & Tamina as his elves. Sandow talks down to a child. Woof. The Funkadactyls are out with Tensai & Brodus Clay who made up from last night. Xavier Woods & R Truth are on the head sets. Entirely too much bolding for one paragraph. (Wednesday Edit: I’m an ass. I needed to bold Woods & Truth for that statement to be correct.) It also doesn’t include the fact that Curtis Axel & Ryback are their opponents. Woods is quite a talker. Clay backs away from a tag. Shellshock wins it. Clay splashes him. And again on his back. Woods & Truth drop kick Clay out of the ring. They ask the Funkadactyls into the ring. They dance.

CM Punk comes down to the ring. We get a recap of the TLC match and repeat of the championship ceremony. He calls his win a Christmas miracle. Now, he’s getting more of a reaction than Orton too. He is wondering about the Authority again. Punk calls out HHH. He gets HBK instead. Punk will kick HBK back next time. Shawn brings out the Shield. I’m not quite sure why they keep building dream matches for Michaels if he isn’t going to wrestle. The Usos are teaming with CM Punk. Reigns is sporting a pretty larger shiner. Did Seth Rollins heart punch Jey? Jey clotheslines Rollins outside to go to commercial. Rollins is in control after the break though. Cool trying to prove he is unbiased is a funny exchange with JBL. Too few of those have been entertaining tonight. Jimmy hits a cross body to buy himself time. Reigns gets to him though. Punk gets the hot tag. One high knee to each of Rollins & Ambrose. Reigns saves Ambrose. Punk nails Ambrose with a GTS but Reigns spears him for the win. That was strange because I thought Punk acknowledged the tag by kicking Reigns in the mush.

Stephanie McMahon will get coal from the WWE Universe. JBL is indignant. Bray Wyatt is still upset at Daniel Bryan. Harper speaks. They pan to the rocking chair. I’m still waiting for some pay off from these guys. Solid promos but they don’t blow me away. I love the production value (Wednesday Edit: I’ve corrected far too many typos. I was really hurrying on this column. I had valve instead of value.) and concept behind the gimmick so I hope we get more.

The Bellas are teamed with Natalya against Alicia Fox, AJ Lee & Tamina Snuka. Total Divas season finale was this past Sunday. The lady and I are behind on that one. The holiday has consumed more time than normal. Tamina beats on Brie. I need something to throw at my TV when these tweets come up. It’d make me feel better. Nikki gets the hot tag against AJ Lee. Tamina takes her head off with a super kick. Mitchell rightly calls into question the match result with AJ Lee taking advantage and getting the pin. Better match than normal out of the Divas.

Mark Henry Claus is flanked by the Bellas & Hornswoggle. Renee Young interviews Randy Orton because he hasn’t gotten much mic time tonight. He wants some ass kissing.

They start the match between Orton and Daniel Bryan after a commercial. This could be a good length of a match. JBL tries to sell Orton’s importance but no one is buying. Cool & Lawler rightly mocking JBL for his hypocrisy on conspiracy theories. Orton bites Bryan. A Thesz press gets turned into a single leg crab. Bryan is really working over the legs. Clothesline turns the tide. Orton starts working over the left arm. Bryan bites Orton. Flying Goat gets side stepped. Commercial. Orton got patched up. JBL is still trying to sell Orton. Look dude, you’re trying but stop. Just stop. Superplex only gets Orton two. Bryan gets back into the match. Kicks lead to a really poor head scissors take over. Orton back breaker. Head kick gets a near fall. Flying head butt only gets two. Bryan crashes into the corner. Bryan countered a pin into a Yes Lock. Suicide dive connects the second time.  Top rope drop kick by Bryan. Wow, low blow by Orton gets the DQ. I was not expecting that. John Cena comes down and attacks Orton. Cena checks on Bryan. Orton RKOs him. Orton may be getting a direction finally (Wednesday Edit: I’m still not sold on Orton in this position though. He needs to be the dick in the world title picture, not HHH & Steph.) – Kevin

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