Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Bad_Santa_by_zairiaI didn’t read the spoilers for this show. Considering most comments I read were “This wasn’t bad for a holiday show” means I’m in for three hours of fun. Let’s roll.

Oh, I can’t wait for the good Santa vs bad Santa match. Such hype. HHH, Stephanie & Kane come out. Stephanie mocks the fans. HHH introduces the Santa match. Steph gives us a six man tag match. HHH mentions some other match as I already tune out. I’m more interested in the Mad Town Nut Brown #SippyTimeBeer I’m drinking. Randy Orton comes out to bore us more. I’m already questioning the comments I saw. Randy Orton bores me with his speech. Kane wakes me with a send off. Yes, Mitchell Cool, Kane can be Smaug but enunciate it better.

The 12 Diva Belles match is next. Tamina starts against Nikki. Kaitlyn comes in for a second. Eva Marie gets clotheslined and takes on Summer Rae. Naomi tags in. AJ Lee mocks the match as she should. Alicia Fox comes in for her cup of tea. Cameron gets in her spots. Vickie antlers Brie. Aksana is next against Natalya. It ends up in a big fight. What did people read? Fucking seriously? I need to drink more. Sharpshooter on Akana. Boo for the fans. AJ killed it on head set. No Jojo either.

Sin Cara gets a terrible inset promo.  He’s going to give Curtis Axel a big L. This Sin Cara just looks different – JBL. No shit, most of us noticed the tattoo. Like a new man. – JBL. Sin Cara Swanton for another win as I discuss books with my lady. Hard to tell how much crowd noise they’re piping in. We get Big E Langston hype. Bad Santa gets a replay of his antics from last week. We’re still talking books. I can’t drink quickly enough after I see Big Show in a diaper as baby New Year.

Batista returns. Bad News Barrett is on a street corner. Alrighty then. At this point, I truly have no idea what spoilers people read. They could have at least said “It’s not bad for a holiday show but you’re going to be bored to tears.” Goldust, Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan are taking on the Wyatt Family, Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. I just notice that most of the crowd is wearing Santa hats. Yep, that’s the amount of attention I’ve been paying. Stare down between Bryan & Bray for a commercial break. The Wyatts are in control on Rhodes after the break. Goldust gets to take an ass kicking after a mini hot tag too. Sunset Flip Bomb by Goldie. Bryan & Rowan come in. Rowan gets kicked to death.  Flying Goat from the top rope. Bray interferes. Rowan gives him a big boot after a chase outside. Another break. The show is improving. Wyatt finally takes on Bryan after he’s beat down. Cody gets a hot tag against Harper. Bryan gets to top rope drop kick Bray. Rowan tosses Bryan into the barricade. Disaster Kick on Harper but Bray is legal. Sister Abigail for the win. Bryan gets a beat down that is stopped at a point. Good match.

Shockingly my buddy Ken doesn’t want to stay for the Good vs Bad Santa match. Xavier Woods & R Truth are going to sing for us. The Jinder Mahal & Drew McIntyre Jingle Bell us. Back to a bad show. Oh no, Santino & the Great Khali sing too. Why am I laughing? Draw your own conclusions. Santino & Khali win and get jumped by 2MB. The faces clean house. Woof.

Dolph Ziggler takes on Fandango in a what the fuck is on the pole? Ah, a match against Big E Langston. Have fun losing Dolph. Fandango rams Dolph’s head into the pole. Fandango grabs the present. Solid match but it deserved more time.

Titus O’Neil has to make up for Darren “Wrong City” Young. Millions of Dollars dance. They are taking on the Usos who don’t get to Haka dance. Is Darren Young getting it worse than R Truth for the locationally challenged? Young gets super kicked and splashed for the loss. I don’t pay much attention this time because my buddy Ken is here. We finally get Good Santa vs Bad Santa. What a relief.

Damien Sandow takes on Mark Henry. Sandow drops coal everywhere. Why is there a toilet in the ring? I agree with JBL, good Santa shouldn’t give swirlies. Evidently it’s a falls count anywhere match? Did they define the rules when I was FF the entrances? I’m laughing at how over the top they’re going. It’s terrible though. World’s Strongest Slam. Bad Santa gets attacked by a fruit cake. Renee Young introduces CM Punk. He finally asked for help. Big E Langston and John Cena are his partners. Cena  gets to work all their finishers in his promo. Cheesy but solid.

Zeb Colter gets to talk about Santa being an illegal immigrant. Santa sneaks back across the border. Los Matadores make a reappearance. El Torito is in white. Mitchell Cool doesn’t know the difference between Fernando & Diego. Great, I forgot because I don’t care. Cesaro swing. They do the partner switch. Small package broken up by Swagger. This is boring! Suicide dive and a flip dive gets things rolling. El Torito gores Cesaro. Cross body on Swagger for the win. I can’t believe Cool had to sell the partner switch before the switch. The Real Americans reeling again.

Ryback takes on Kofi Kingston. Kofi is still bringing the fire. He drop kicks Ryback into the barricade from the apron. Flip dive over the top rope. Ryback takes over with power. Ryback got caught going for a double axe handle on a prone Kofi. Serves you right. Stupid move on a prone man. Boom drop. Flying cross body only gets two. Meat Hook Clothesline. Shellshock. Ryback still has a chance of coming back to prominence.

Bad News Barrett is taking home the money he collected. Of course he would to heel it up. The Shield thinks CM Punk won the lottery at TLC. Dean Ambrose specifically. Seth Rollins reminds Cena of his many defeats at their hands. Roman Reigns has got his eyes on Big E Langston. Believe in the Shield. Solid stuff.

I almost catch up by blowing thru the entrances. John Cena starts against Dean Ambrose. Seth Rollins comes in quickly. Cena rattles Rollins. Roman Reigns talks trash to Cena. Reigns takes over on him before the break. I like Reigns adding the Superman punch to the arsenal. How did no one do that before now is my question? Punk gets the hot tag. Suicide dive. Rollins distracts Punk so that Ambrose can take advantage. Punk gets to sell now. He tries to get a tag but the Shield attacks Cena. Big E is left to get the final hot tag. Big E drops the straps. Rollins & Ambrose double team him. Big spot city. Big Ending on Ambrose. Reigns & Rollins attack Langston and get DQed. AA and GTS simulcast. Everyone celebrates Christmas with glee. – Kevin

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