Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I'm not sure if they've watermarked this well enough.

I’m not sure if they’ve watermarked this well enough.

That’s the story around here, it’s fucking cold. I practically had to drag my boxer Cayenne out. Then my knuckle head of a mutt Kia couldn’t get enough even though she knows her hips (because of dysplasia) are going to give out. At least I didn’t have to carry her back inside like a football. Time for some wrestling that’s probably at a locale that’s a tad bit warmer. Let’s roll.

So wrong to have the Old School WWF symbol without the F flags on them. May as well start with Ric Flair considering he was the only man teased for this show. I didn’t see any spoilers in the early AM when I looked at the wrestling sites. That’s right, Baltimore. It’ll be plenty cold there soon enough. I guess he’s our host? Randy Orton comes out. At least Flair did poorly enough that he can follow. Randy wants the Authority to over turn their decision. Randy lays out a platter for Flair to jump on, which he does. Orton goes the intimidation route. Flair pulling out the stops now that he’s dressing down Orton. John Cena comes out to defend Ric Flair’s honor. Cena going hype man. “If you’re feeling froggy, jump” is definitely an “Old School” line. I wanted to go to the Royal Rumble since it’s in Pittsburgh but I slept on getting tickets. When I finally checked Ticketmaster, they only had floor seats left. Too damn expensive. Then I checked Stub Hub, people were selling the cheap seats for 3 times the price. Definitely too expensive. They pimp the WWE App so we can know Jerry Lawler‘s health. That’s a scum bag move even if they told us it wasn’t part of his heart condition. We get a recap on Daniel Bryan.

Daniel Bryan makes his Wyatt Family debut with Luke Harper & Erick Rowan taking on Rey Mysterio & the Usos. I listen to JBL & Mitchell Cool for this entrance. JBL has the right question, how good is this group now? I dig the change in attire even if I saw that picture of him last night. Not too deep into the match, Bryan faces off against Rey Mysterio. Rey tosses him out of the ring quickly for a break. Rowan is working over Jey Uso. He’s (Next Day Edit: Who do you mean, jackass? I was referring to Bryan. I was wondering if he’d pull out some new moves with the new gimmick.) not busting out any new offense, yet. Rey knows how to work with big men so well. Jimmy misses a top rope splash. Mike Chioda in the middle of a Wyatt Family show down. Harper gets rolled up for the loss. Interesting way to start this angle. You can go with a sabotage from within angle for Bryan.

Batista has entered the Royal Rumble. Brad Maddox tells someone that Damien Sandow is having a rematch against the Great Khali. Ahh, three Hall of Famers actually. Kane is wondering why Maddox is talking to the Authority behind his back. Kane reads some of the rules for conduct. These two could be a good combo similar to Kane & Maddox. Fun segment. Big E Langston runs into Nikolai Volkoff singing and the Million Dollar Man with Aksana and finally IRS. I’d take that pay day if I were them too.

Big E Langston is taking on Curtis Axel with Ryback on the head set. Ryback is cracking me up. Langston & Axel brawl in front of the announce desk but nothing comes of it. Big Ending. No surprise. Ryback steals the scene for me. Perfect attitude for his character. Pretty meat head with lots of cockiness.

jocks-Revenge of the Nerds“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is going to interview The Shield. They interrupt his intro. Dean Ambrose stares him down. Then drops a lame age joke. The only person that can match him on the mic is CM Punk. Ambrose gets worked up. Seth Rollins jumps in to calm down Ambrose. Rollins calls Ambrose a better US Champ than Piper. Roddy cracks me up when he grabs Reigns cheek. Reigns threatens to break him in half. CM Punk comes out for the save with the New Age Outlaws. I’d be fine with this turning into a match. No dice with the singles match though.

I haven’t missed Sin Cara or Alberto Del Rio. So of course they’re having a match against each other again. Twice wasn’t quite enough. I’m fine with changing Sin Caras but I really wish they’d change his lighting to normal. Sin Cara misses the Swanton. Kick to the head for the Del Rio win. Of course he wants a piece of Batista. Ugh, are they really giving this clown his twentieth chance? The WWE gives some random people way more chances than other people.

Daniel Bryan wants to be transformed. He can teach them a lesson too about tag team wrestling. Bray Wyatt shows up. He informs Bryan they will be teaming together. “We The People” is a popular chant for a heel team. Jack Swagger starts off against Goldust. Antonio Cesaro gets an atomic drop. Cody Rhodes takes over. Goldust ends up taking the beating for their team. Not for long as Cody tags in. Disaster Kick to Jack Swagger gets him off the apron. Cesaro is legal and whacks Rhodes for the break. Swagger is bear hugging Rhodes. I need to download the App for the Cesaro Swing. You just showed it to me. (Next Day Edit: I know they’re trying to bring you in with this footage but they do it for almost every match which means I won’t download it. I don’t care about an inane interview from Heath Slater.) Cool & JBL try to sell the Real Americans but I can’t buy because of how often they lose. Patriot Lock on Rhodes. He almost gets to the ropes. Goldust kicks Swagger in the pie hole to break it up. Goldust gets the hot tag. He cleaned house something fierce. The Curtain Call for the win. I didn’t figure the Real Americans would win even in a non-title match. DDP meets up with Booker T. DDP Yoga gets shilled. Ron Simmons comes in. Damn. Not the best spot to deliver that one but I love me some Simmons.

Runjin Singh is with the Great Khali for some reason. Damien Sandow is his opponent. Sargent Slaughter gets the assignment. I was hoping for Arn Anderson. JBL agrees with me. Mitchell Cool notes Singh’s presence. I’m not sure why Cool called JBL on the microwave comment. You’re getting hit by something large and heavy like Khali’s hand. Sandow had his leg on the rope when Khali pins him. Sarge locks in the Cobra Clutch on an angry Sandow. Sarge dances with Khali. People love it. (Next Day Edit: It just dawned on me that Damien Sandow may be in the midst of his second losing streak gimmick. And Alberto Del Rio gets to call out Batista. Go figure.)

Brock Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman, who naturally does the introduction. Heyman was just money in that promo. It’s hard to justify writing about it because of Heyman’s delivery. Mark Henry comes out again. Henry has his “arm broken.” I’m still bummed that’s not a longer feud. Big Show comes when I start to FF. Lesnar backs down after taunting Big Show. I’m okay with setting up this feud. Heyman tries for the distraction but Show catches Lesnar and tosses him across the ring. Lesnar sells a leg injury. Lesnar landed pretty hard on his shoulder. Looked like he over rotated.

The outfit tonight looks similar. From

The outfit tonight looks similar. From

The Bella Twins are taking on Alicia Fox & Aksana. Huh, they’re still selling the Brie and Bryan angle for Total Divas. Nikki is in the ring against Fox. I’m digging Fox’s outfit. Brie gets some offense in. She misses the Brie Mode middle rope drop kick. Aksana covers for the win. Interesting turn in fortunes for the Bellas. Smells to me like something else is brewing for them. I just don’t know what.

3MB gets an inset promo. They try to pump themselves up. They’re taking on Too Cool & Rikishi. Scotty Too Hotty looks to be in fantastic shape. The other two not so much. They debuted on Sunday Night Heat. I wonder if Jeremy got to cover it. Grand Master Sexay starts against Jinder Mahal. They don’t have an update for Lawler on TV but they know Mark Henry has a broken elbow already? Drew McIntyre is in there with Scotty. He gets to do the Worm, which only the parents remember. McIntyre ends up taking off Scotty’s head with a kick. He has to sell since the other two would blow up. Rikishi gets the hot tag. McIntyre saves Mahal. Hip Hop Drop. Jinder tries for a sunset flip. Rikishi drops for the win. They would be a hit these days too.

The Godfather comes out with all of the legends. Bad News Barrett shows up. I love the obnoxiously high pulpit he is getting these days. Barrett runs down the legends by telling them he won’t remember them and that the fans will too. Ha. His material is getting better from the first couple of weeks too.

“Mean” Gene Okerlund makes fun of his tip line. (Next Day Edit: I’m glad he acknowledged that the joke bombed. I was laughing though.) He introduces the New Age Outlaws. Road Dogg knows how to use a stick. JBL calls out Gunn for being blown up. Hilarious. (Next Day Edit: I later saw on Twitter from Dolph Ziggler that he was making fun of Mike Chioda. I didn’t have it on my DVR to re-check.) Road Dogg does a great short intro for CM Punk. JBL wants Road Dogg to replace Justin Roberts. I 100% agree. Roman Reigns is taking him on. Ambrose & Rollins stick around so the New Age Outlaws do too. They go to commercial early. Reigns is waiting on a count out for Punk. Reigns is winning with his power. Jaw jacker by Punk gets him an opening. Punk jumps into a bear hug. Punk battles out with fore arms. Samoan Drop by Reigns. He misses a Superman punch. Punk kicks him in the head. NAO & The Shield bark at each other. High knee by Punk gets a two count. He gets in another knee and adds an elbow. Ambrose still acting up ensuring that he’ll interfere and cost Reigns a possible win. (Next Day Edit: Ensure, huh? Wrong you idiot. Giving Ambrose some credit should add a nice twist to this story.) Reigns catches Punk in the ropes. Punk fights him off and gets in the elbow. He can’t cover Reigns though. NOA and The Shield fight. Punk nails Rollins with the suicide dive. Punk goes for a spring board but Reigns catches him with the Superman punch. Punk leap frogs the spear. He only gets a two from the ensuing roll up. High kick by Punk only gets two. Third high knee. Ambrose gets hit by Punk. Reigns spears Punk for the win. Big win for Reigns. Jake “The Snake” Roberts shows up. And since these “movie producers” can’t time a damn thing, I only see him part way to the ring. I’ll repeat myself again and again. I tape five minutes over the time slot to start with. Just stop it WWE. – Kevin

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