Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

streetharassmentThe column got shelved last week because life has a habit of throwing you for a loop. My lady’s grandma died almost two weeks ago now and they had the viewing Tuesday and funeral on Wednesday. We left for Pennsylvania after a half of day of work. My parents place was only a way station to an even further part of the middle of nowhere PA. During this trip, I heard two stories that stuck out to me. Their grandma was born in Germany and met her future husband while he was part of the occupying forces after World War II. When she left her job at the cigar rolling factory, she took the same route home with a friend all of the time. Their Grandfather leaned out the window every day to whistle at her as she walked by. Today, he’d probably be painted as the worst kind soldier the US could employ. The second story was that when she was about to die, she started speaking only in German. The only thing they could make out in her talks was “Und bier.” So they brought her a beer which she sucked down through a straw and then said “Und bier” again and finished off half of a second beer. That’s awesome. Let my last drink be a #SippyTimeBeer. Time to talk about wrestling. Let’s roll.

Hulk Hogan comes out. Big ovation but it’s starting to lose some punch. The announcers are standing and clapping. Ha. “It’s thunderous” says Mitchell Cool as the only thing I can see are people seated in the upper decks. Maybe the music was drowning some of it out? He shills for everything he is back for. I got the WWE Network but haven’t been able to check it out much. I have that silly day time job thing. It has just dawned on me that we’re watching a children’s show, hence all of the app explanations. I hope they get a mascot to start doing it. I’d be far more entertained.

Alberto Del Rio still has a job. He gets to take on Batista again. I love him pointing at the Boo-tista sign. Why should he give a fuck? the WWE will just make him a heel and their business will benefit from it. They are stuck in a weird spot until Wrestlemania though. Basically two heels going at it for the WWE Title. They cut at a time when Jerry Lawler was trying to make a point. Classy. Del Rio is in control after the break. Del Rio crashes on the through the ropes splash he does. Batista gets little come back opportunities but can’t sustain anything. Randy Orton comes out to cheers. Del Rio rolls up Batista for the win. Orton turns the boos into the story. The crowd starts with the “CM Punk” chants. Dave pulls the honesty card. And gives Randy Orton a trashing. I love them playing into the crowd.

Big E Langston comes out first as the Intercontinental Champion. Cesaro comes out with Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter. This outcome will be interesting.  Big E looking sharp with the release suplexes. A big boot turns the tide. Big E catches Langston. A trio of back breakers follows. Cesaro grabs a leaping Langston and gives him a back breaker. Nice. Upper cuts. Big E power slams Cesaro. Big E hits the post when Cesaro dodges. Running upper cut in the corner. Power slam by Cesaro only gets a two count. Gut wrench suplex by Cesaro. They trade blows. Sleeper by Cesaro. Big E clotheslines him. Belly to belly suplex by Langston. The splash only gets him a two count. Super upper cut gets a two count. Urinogi by Langston gets a two. Cesaro throws Langston through the ropes. Swagger whiffs on the cheap shot and gets nailed. Big swing. Swagger jumps into the ring and slaps on the Patriot Lock. Cesaro & Swagger argue. Langston attacks Swagger. The Real Americans double team him. Cesaro neutralizes Langston.

John Cena comes out and is not messing around. He wants Bray Wyatt. Green Bay, we’re here. Did I miss them using the city before? How baby face of him? Wyatt sits in the rocking chair. John Cena is a liar. The Wyatt surround him. Does the Shield help? Harper & Rowan are held back. Cena holds his left leg. The Wyatts pretend to leave but ambush him.

Brad Maddox gave us a match between Christian and Sheamus. I don’t have the network pulled up since I’m behind still. Sheamus tosses Christian outside. Christian punches Sheamus but it only fires him up. Christian gets clothes lined over the top ropes. Christian attempts to crotch Sheamus but gets pulled into the post. Sheamus drops some knees on him. Sheamus shoulder blocks Christian on the outside. Christian takes over. Christian stands on Sheamus. That hurts? He then body locks Sheamus which doesn’t appear to hurt either. Abdominal stretch for two straight nights. Sheamus back elbows out of it. Christian misses a frog splash. High running knee. Christian tosses Sheamus out. Knee lift by Sheamus for a reverse clubbing. Sling shot shoulder block only gets a two count. It looks like Christian tagged Sheamus in the balls. Irish Cloverleaf. Christian gets to the ropes. Christian reverses White Noise for two. Power slam by Sheamus. Christian dodges the Brogue Kick. Christian goes for something off the second ropes and gets Brogue Kicked for the loss. Renee Young talks to HHH & Stephanie McMahon. Daniel Bryan yells at HHH. He tells him he’s not an A+ player. Stephanie gives Kane tonight.

Tony Atlas and Rocky Johnson are honored this week. The Shield is quarreling. Dean Ambrose leaves. Roman Reigns wants Bray Wyatt one on one. Wyatt accepts. Josh Matthews gets to be the WWE’s Matt Lauer. Is that better than doing play by play?

Daniel Bryan takes on Kane who is still dressed in dress slacks and a wife beater. I’m not so fond of this build up even if they’re pulling it from the real files like Orton vs Batista. The arguments by the announcers are more important than anything happening in the ring. JBL argues poorly from time to time and this is one of those times. Kane starts working over the shoulder when they start paying attention. The only JBL point that makes sense is Bryan shouldn’t have attacked Kane last night. Bryan has a short come back until Kane goes after the shoulder again. The announcers are really annoying me this match. Head scissors by Bryan turns things around. The angle is feeling forced because of Punk’s departure. Suicide dive by Bryan moves the action outside. Flying Goat gets stopped. Kane choke slams him instead. Bryan works hard for the Yes Lock. Kane shoves him off. Running Knee for the win. The announcers still suck. Bryan calls out HHH. He’s hiding behind Big Steph’s skirt. He wants us to get what we want HHH vs Daniel Bryan at Wrestlemania.

Alexander Rusev gets gets another in the shadows vignette with his lady friend. Fandango & Summer Rae are in the ring. Emma comes out with Santino Marella. It’s just a ladies match. They shove each other. Summer Rae goes for a cat roll. Emma shoulder blocks her. Summer spin kicks Emma and only gets two. Summer talks trash to Santino while kneeing Emma. Nice. Emma puts on the Emma Lock for the tap out win. Summer tumbles onto Santino.

Billy Gunn gets busted for the hand full of tights so they have a rematch with the Usos. They leave the ring when Road Dogg asks. They super kick him as he ends his ring intro. Billy forgets to catch one flying Uso. Big splash for a very quick victory. I guess it’s better if they win the titles at Wrestlemania but I’m not looking forward to the build up.

Roman Reigns stares at Bray Wyatt as he paces at ringside. They trade blows when Bray takes a break. They trade slightly harder moves. Wyatt takes over with a boot to the face. Reverse chin lock always hooks you. Wyatt knocks Reigns down. Reigns slams Wyatt’s head into the turn buckle. Reigns clothes lines Wyatt for a break. Back splash by Wyatt. Bray punches Reigns on the ground. Wyatt suplexes Reigns. Wyatt does the Running Bear Attack. I mean, that move should be named by now, right? Reigns dodges a Wyatt charge. Reigns kicks him off. Flying clothesline by Reigns. Roman nails the flying drop kick. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan show up. Seth Rollins takes them out. Reigns misses a spear. Rollins is getting beat down when Dean Ambrose makes the save. Superman punch. Ambrose goes after Wyatt which gets Reigns DQed. I agree with the Michael Cole/Lawler angle that Ambrose may have gotten him DQed but saved him. The Wyatts did show up first.

Brock Lesnar comes out with Paul Heyman to a table. HHH gave Brock Lesnar an open contract. Heyman sells missing out on the WWE Title. I mean, just listen to it. I can’t do it justice. Dong. Dong. Lights go out. The Undertaker shows up in some serious leather gear. The WWE keeps on coming up with ways to possibly break the streak. This is one could be the last. John Cena is the only other person on my list. After a stare down, Taker looks at the sign. Lesnar signs the deal. I love him pushing the pen against Taker’s chest. Taker stabs Lesnar’s hand then choke slams him through the table. Awesome response. I like the shaved head and baby mohawk. I’m glad I’m going. For that match alone. – Kevin

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