Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

hanging-tents-for-rock-climbers-1I’m hoping to get some extra sleep tonight. I’m not feeling the best. Hopefully I’ll get the illness bug out of my system so I don’t have to worry about it at Wrestlemania. When checking for images related to sleeping, it caught my eye when I saw “Sleeping while rock climbing.” That’s where the image above comes from. That’d be fun to do once. I slept in a tree house for my honeymoon so this isn’t that far from the pail.

Hulk Hogan comes down and shills for the WWE Network. We get the first annual 30 Man Andre the Giant Battle for a trophy. Memphonites? John Cena saves us. He shills for Hogan and the match. Cena then joins it. The Wyatts are here. Maybe they’ll save the segment. I dig his promo. Calling himself a god is pretty ironic considering the pride talk. Cena comes back with the jokes about the same subject. Better than normal for his jokes. Cena challenges him to a match at Wrestlemania. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan step onto the apron. Commercial.

Cena is in a match with Rowan. Hogan is a Cena cheerleader. Rowan is using his size to his advantage. Cena wins with a roll up out of the blue. What a weak win. Harper & Rowan pretend like they’re going to go after Cena & Hogan but the Wyatts back away.

Stephanie & HHH come out to the stage. She is really doing well with the smug quality. They are being kind and not firing Daniel Bryan. They want an apology from him though. Short and sweet. The New Age Outlaws come out to do commentary. Very choppy start to the show.

Curtis Axel & Curtis Axel are in the ring. The Usos hit the ring. Then replays of last week. Road Dogg claims that the NAO were under the weather during their loss. U-SO! It’s kind of cool that they’re finisher is the flying tag and Samoan splash combo. Kane talks to the Shield. He wants to know if they’re disposable. Reigns & Rollins are going to take on Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Rollins gives Kane some guff about his losses. The chop continues.

Jack Swagger is taking on Big E Langston again. Zeb Colter & Cesaro are at ring side. Big E wants in on the Battle Royal at Wrestlemania. I’m glad that is over shadowing the match. Belly to Belly suplex gets my attention. Swagger takes out Big E’s knee. Swagger distracts the ref and asks for Cesaro‘s help which doesn’t help. Swagger had said at the start the match that “I’ve got this.” Big E rolls up Swagger for the win. Zeb Colter watches them bicker like school girls. Zeb blows his stack. Swagger & Cesaro shake but Cesaro puts in an extra squeeze.

The Undertaker allows me to catch up a little bit. Paul Heyman shows up before he can say anything. Heyman gives us a break down of winning streaks at Wrestlemania. He asks Taker not to wrestle Brock at Wrestlemania so that everyone can worship the streak and Taker longer. “The fear of the unknown is the greatest of all.” Sure Taker, sounds great in that voice. Rest In Peace. At some point tonight, I’ll have a long paragraph. (Next Day Note: It’s kind of funny how I can complain about the usual 15 minute segment then complain when they change it up. It would have helped if I would have cared about any of these segments. I like a lot of people in these segments but everything was too short.)

Seth Rollins starts against Cody Rhodes. Cody face plants Rollins. Goldust takes over. Downward Spiral by Rollins into the middle turn buckle. Roman Reigns gets his start in the match. Goldust showing off the twisting cross body block. Cody does him one better by doing a spring board cross body. Commercial. Lawler tried to put over a power Samoan Drop by Reigns. I’m not buying it. Samoan Leap drop kick. Reigns starts playing with Goldust. Power slam by Goldust doesn’t quite get the hot tag. Rollins is in to fight a hot tagged Cody. Moonsault gets a two count. Cody with a Muscle Buster.  He stole that from Samoa Joe! (Next Day Note: I can’t believe this isn’t a Twitter beef yet.) Goldust gets speared. Rollins reverses out of the Cross Rhodes. Rollins finishes him off with the buckle bomb & Curb Stomp combo. A good match breaks up the chop even with a commercial.

(Next Day Note: Listening to Opie & Anthony this morning, they talked about the above videoed campaign. How long until the WWE jumps on this cause in the Diva’s Division?) The Bellas are taking on AJ Lee & Tamina. Natalya is on the head sets. Main Event on the WWE Network will get the big Diva’s Title bout. Tamina super kicked Brie out of the ring. AJ Lee locks up Brie. A couple of reversals leads to a drop kick to the face of a seated AJ. Nikki gets the hot tag. Brie takes out Tamina on the floor. AJ knocks Brie off the apron. Nikki reverses the Black Widow into a Torture Rack drop for the win. (I had to rewind to remember the name. I wanted to say Spider Web.) Natalya is terrible off the cuff. She did look better on Smackdown last week. Natalya glares at Nikki who is holding the Diva’s Title. Niki & Brie basically ignore her. Chris O’Donnell & LL Cool J aren’t much better than Natalya.

Daniel Bryan comes down for a promo. He doesn’t think the Authority was sincere. He will not apologize. “No.”  He’s going to #OccupyRaw. They are bringing some interesting ideas but it doesn’t mean I need to like them. He brings a circus cars worth of people into the ring. People are still doing the Yes chant. The Authority comes out. Bryan suggests that the crowd leave the arena. Security is coming down as two guys in suits. Are all of the wrestlers in the ring already?  Steph can’t be condescending so this part isn’t as good. HHH walks out and says the next match will start. Damien Sandow comes down. He just stands in the aisle. Bryan asks him to join the Yes Movement. Screeching Steph is even worse. HHH talks up Bryan but then says he’s trying to protect Bryan. HHH finally challenges him to a match. Bryan wants a little bit more. What the people really want is his chance at the WWE Championship. If he beats HHH, he gets in the Title match. He is going to be a busy beaver at Wrestlemania.

Jerry Lawler gets to play MC. No shock, we get a Memphis Street Fight between Sheamus and Christian. A missed guitar shot gets things turned around for Christian.  Not for long. Sheamus tosses him into the stairs. Sheamus does a baby roll (Next Day Note: off of the ramp that is all of two feet off the floor. Just a shade over dramatic.) The stage needs to be taller to be trying to sell this offense. Christian lights up Sheamus with the kendo stick. JBL goes conspiracy theory but neither Cool or Lawler bite. JBL needs to go back to the well. Lawler still dodges by not talking. Tug o’ Kendo Stick. Sheamus wins and starts cracking Christian. Sheamus gets two from White Noise. Clubbing Blows followed by a power slam. Christian ducks out of the ring. Sheamus pulls Christian into the ring post. Irish Curse back breaker off the steps. Christian attacks Sheamus with a chair. Skinny frog onto two chairs. Brogue Kick thru the bass drum. Cool look. Still pretty stupid though. Brad Maddox is talking to Batista & Randy Orton. The Authority has left already. Maddox tells them to focus on Big Show & Daniel Bryan. Batista storms off when Orton says he’ll play nice.

Alexander Rusev. Bray Wyatt wants John Cena to know he’s made a mistake. Wyatt accepts Cena’s Wrestlemania challenge. Cena’s time is up. Good stuff.

Daniel Bryan starts against Randy Orton but there’s a quick commercial. Batista makes a tag. I’d love for the “niche audience” thing to have any semblance of truth. Orton & Batista are working over Bryan while the announcers bicker. Big Show gets the hot tag. He knocks down Batista. Sidewalk slam. Orton distracts Big Show. Batista chop blocks him. Orton puts the boots to him. Batista can’t Batista Bomb Show. Bryan & Orton tag in. Bryan kicks Orton down but only gets two. Air Gate gets canvas. Bryan turns a roll up into the Yes Lock. Batista makes the save. Big Show makes the save. RKO on Big Show. Batista spears Orton. Orton hanging DDT on Bryan. Backslide by Bryan gets two. Running Knee gets Bryan the win. I feel like I might have ODed on Bryan tonight. – Kevin

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