Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

st_-james-gateAfter starting the Sippy Time Beer column a little more than a year ago, I have wanted to do a special on my visit to the Guinness Brewery way back in 1997. I’m not sure what threw me off last year but this year got tossed out the window by going to see my lady’s niece in a Tae Kwondo competition in Cincinnati on Saturday and by doing house work from 10 AM until 9 PM yesterday. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll still be typing next year so that gives me another chance to relive one of my favorite beer related moments. Let’s roll.

Tonight is going to be crazier than I expected. My buddy Ken came up to watch Raw for a non-wrestling perspective on our OHPA podcast. We will also have a guest host for a regular wrestling podcast. We get started with the #OccupyRaw movement. HHH starts off in the ring. Batista just loves skinny jeans. He is not happy with Trips decision. Randy Orton makes a quick appearance. HHH wonders if DB is in their heads. Dave & Randy argue. Batista wants this to be fixed. HHH flips out on everyone. HHH gets the shot at Mania if he beats Daniel Bryan. I’m pretty sure Eric advocated that. He comes around as often as the Groundhog and he’s just as accurate.

The Real Americans  have to wrestle the Usos again because the tag team division has been decimated recently. Jack Swagger starts against Jimmy. Jey gets to continue the beat down. Cesaro gets in. He gets to be beat upon too. Swagger gets in again. Jimmy gets the luke warm tag. Whisper in the Wind only gets two. We the People are in control at the break. Swagger Bomb gets a  hidden tag by Cesaro.  Swagger gets back in though. Jey and Cesaro come in. Jey gets the better of it. Super Samoan Drop only gets a two count. Swagger saves Cesaro. Swagger gets  taken out. Cesaro super upper cuts Jimmy. Neutralizer for the win. They still have a problem on the big stage, right? I may have to watch WWE Slam City. I don’t think I’ll be able to stick with it.

The Shield and Kane get a review then a promo with each other. Kane wants a united Shield by his side. Can I count on you? Seth Rollins gives a weak answer. Roman Reigns steps up. They act nonplussed after he leaves. Hornswoggle gets interrupted by Bad News Barrett. What is up with Hornswoggle’s hairdo? I love the continued insinuations that Mitchell Cool is an alcoholic comments. Sheamus is sporting a rugby jersey. Glad JBL explained that. (Next Day Note: What a paragraph of nothing happening. The promo was the big segment in this block and it was kind of boring.)

Titus O’Neil is sporting a red goat, hat and tie. Christian is on the head set. Sheamus clotheslines  O’Neil outside. He continues the attack on the outside. Titus finally takes control. Impressive looking overhead slam. Between the announcers and my company, it;s tough to concentrate. O’Neil picks on Hornie. O’Neil tosses Hornie but Sheamus catches him. Hornie is used as a lawn dart. Clubbin. Brogue Kick wins it. O’Neil better get used to losing in the singles division. Sheamus is joining the Andre The Giant Battle Royal. Christian attacks Sheamus. Killswitch on the outside. I’m digging Christian these days.

leprechaunJohn Cena has been here for twelve years. He’s afraid of Bray Wyatt. John is most afraid that the fans will listen to him. Bray Wyatt finally joins the fun. Children haven’t lived long enough to lose hope. He just wants everyone to see Cena like he does. Good stuff again.

Randy Orton saves me some viewing time. Daniel Bryan and him are having a no DQ match. Bryan got an early head start but Orton gets a chance too. Bryan turns it around with a suicide dive. Orton nails Bryan with a Singapore cane. (Next Day Note: I’ve been watching too much wrestling when I type kane instead of cane.)  I love Orton talking trash. Orton is still wielding the cane after the break. Orton suplexes Bryan on the ring barrier. Orton crotches him on the post. Back breaker to the outside. I took a break to get apple pie. It’s delicious. Superplex by Orton only gets two. Hanging DDT by Orton is the follow up. Orton gets ready for the RKO. Bryan rolls out of the ring. Bryan nails Orton with a cane. Orton follows up with a chair. Batista spears Orton. Bryan drop kicks Batista out of the ring. Bryan pins Orton for the win. That can’t be the finisher at Wrestlemania now, right? Batista Bomb on Orton. One more time!

Paul Heyman comes out as an advocate. Brock Lesnar has defeated the same people that Undertaker has. He sends us to a video package. I like them selling that the Undertaker is losing it. Helps to make the chance that Lesnar wins. He won’t but whatever. They’re doing a good job so far. Rest In Piss. Stephanie is mad at HHH. She’s mad because he wants to talk to Bryan. Stephanie is mad about her legacy. She doesn’t want him on the road defending the belt. HHH is going to take care of it. He better. She is sassy.

Fandango and Summer Rae came to the ring before the break. Goldust is escorted by Cody Rhodes. Fandango wins by a long shot. Mitchell Cool’s “That’s what Goldust is about. Having fun, being bizarre in his matches and winning.” Greatest line of this year. I am way too concentrated on the line to watch the match. Fandango is in control when I stop laughing. Goldust busts out the head scissors take over. Fandango gets the pin first though. Failed suplex that Cool covers as well as one can. Curtain Call moments later. That’s what you get for fucking up a suplex.

Kane gets to give another speech. He asks Jerry Lawler to join him in the ring. JBL convicts him on no evidence. The Shield surrounds him. They order him into the ring. Mitchell Cool gets to go hushed voice. Kane is not going to enjoy what he has to do. Sort of. The Shield does what is best for business. They turn on Kane. He gets in the first punch but they overwhelm him. Triple power bomb. Shouldn’t they sell the angle that maybe Steph & HHH want to cut lose Kane for doing a bad job? (Next Day Note: For that matter, why hasn’t Lawler denied the charges? Even if he’s lying, shouldn’t Lawler deny it? And what end game does this serve? It doesn’t make the Authority look worse. Kane is this weird extension of the Authority but he isn’t backed up by them in anyway.)

I have another eye patch picture saved in my photo collection. What did I use it for? From outblush.com

I have another eye patch picture saved in my photo collection. What did I use it for? From outblush.com

AJ Lee comes skipping down to ringside with Tamina. I buzzed thru an eye patched Naomi who has Cameron in tow. Brie & Nikki are on the head sets. Oh, it’s a tag team match. Tamina is taking it to Cameron. Naomi is still a terrible tag team partner for letting her start. Cameron drop kicks Tamina in the gut. Naomi gets the hot tag. AJ kicks out as Tamina makes the save. AJ applies a Dragon Sleeper. Naomi slams her. Split legged moonsault for the win. Good for her getting back for Wrestlemania. I hope the Bellas don’t ruin one of the last ever episodes of Psych. Tamina knocks down AJ then a stare down. (Next Day Note: How long do we have to tolerate AJ Lee vs The Total Divas? Until that program doesn’t exist?)

Mr. T is in the celebrity wing. Good for him. Eight man tag match follows. Big E Langston faces off against Ryback. Fun stuff from these guys. Belly to Belly suplex by Big E. Mark Henry comes in. Dolph Ziggler is in to sell. Dolph drop kicks his way to an all team face off. I’m pretty sure Curtis Axel was in the match at some point. Alberto Del Rio is continuing the beat down. Damien Sandow gets to give the business next. Axel is talking trash to Ziggler. Ha. You’re the weak link on your team, don’t show off. Sandow did get a hair cut. Big Show gets the hot tag. He cleans up Sandow and Axel before Ryback strikes. they all get their chances. Sandow attempts a sneak attack. Big Show turns around and choke slams Sandow for the win. (Next Day Note: So should I assume that one of these eight gentlemen will win the battle royal since they’re the first in and they’ll be the only big names?)

I’m digging the determined Dave. The booing was the best thing to happen to him. He should be a heel. Bray Wyatt takes on Kofi Kingston. Wyatt gets my attention with that flying strike. How does it not have a name yet? Wyatt gives Kofi a face breaker on his knee. Sister Abigail’s Kiss. Nice squash match win for him. The WWE is running out of time too.

I know this is going to get cut off. I’ve got 10 minutes with Daniel Bryan still to enter. HHH is not a popular decision with his wife and colleagues. HHH is doing a good job of talking up Bryan while still maintaining confidence that he can win. Trips even plays the respect card. Steph comes out screeching. She is formally pressing charges. What charges exactly? They bicker while Daniel Bryan holds security at arms length. They show that the Authority is playing good cop, bad cop. HHH attacks a handcuffed Bryan. And the end. For me. – Kevin

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