Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Hyperbole3We’ve been recording previews for Wrestlemania so I am starting super late. We both had busy schedules this week so this was the only night we could record. Jackets for me tomorrow night, Weezer for Jeremy on Wednesday, Chelsea Peretti for me on Thursday then both of us are off to Wrestlemania on Friday. Let’s roll.

Jeremy gave me the news about Undertaker versus Brock Lesnar so let’s hit FF. The Undertaker’s fake and bake looks terrible. The stare down isn’t doing much for me. More pacing. Mitchell Cool breaks the silence. Ugh. Clothesline then an F5. Completely agree with Jeremy. Not what was needed. He needed more of a sustained beat down of Taker since he’s gotten the upper hand every other time.

Big E Langston and Alberto Del Rio have a match because they’re in a battle royal together. Where’s our multi-man tag match? They get a commercial break match. Del Rio has done a good job of working over the arm. An arm bar in the ropes does the trick. Big E catches Del Rio coming off the ropes and gives him a back breaker. Belly to Belly suplex to Del Rio. Alberto gets the knees up on the attempted splash. Back cracker by Del Rio only gets a two count. Big E gets the splash on the second attempt. Big E goes for the Big Ending but Del Rio turns it into an arm breaker. Big E powers out. Del Rio double stomps Big E in that dumb spot where the guy needs to hold himself up to take damage. Crescent kick to the head wins it for Del Rio. Hmmm. Interesting.

Erick Rowan & Luke Harper greet us. Bray Wyatt does the talking as usual. People are going to know John Cena for the creep he is. Just listen to the audio for this show because that promo falls into the category we were talking about. I haven’t been keeping up with Total Divas so I get to see Summer Rae slap Natalya.

They start their match after a commercial break. Summer Rae is dominating early on. She looks sharp so far. Natalya gets to have the big come back. I don’t know what happened there exactly but the Sharpshooter got botched. Summer Rae gets to the apron and kicks Nattie in the head. Summer Rae pins her for the win.

HHH and Stephanie come out to be bitchy. People these day don’t do work. They do the Fandango. They also mock him as they compare him to Daniel Bryan. Weird comparison though I get the origins. The fans are a bunch of suckers for chanting “Yes!” along with Stephanie. Don’t you understand what they’re doing? HHH kills me with the line about marrying well. I feel like that’s the first time he’s admitted it. Is this crowd really chanting “Boring!” The video package does a better job of conveying their message than the Fandango comparison. I’m digging the Patrick Ewing Georgetown jersey big Dave Batista is sporting. He may not have many lines but they’re all hilarious. Randy Orton wants to see another slap. Batista laughs at Orton giving him a beating later. Huh? They have a singles match tonight? If that’s the case, it’s really stupid. HHH recycles his material about Orton becoming the Viper again. HHH confirms it and makes it no disqualification.

The Usos are teaming with Los Matadores against The Real Americans & Rybaxel. Jimmy gets in a number of chops on Ryback. Arm drag take overs lead to a tag to Jey. Los Matadores team against Curtis Axel. Jack Swagger takes the upper hand on Jimmy. He runs them ragged around the ring. Flying Matadore. Flying Uso. Mitchell Cool is correct in pointing out that the Real Americans are popular because of Cesaro. Swagger keeps getting more time to seem like a threat. The Uso getting in the splash. The annpuncers haven’t made a distinction so why should I? Everyone is pissed the MAtadore stopped the Big Swing. Spinning enziguri on Swagger. Swagger catches a Matadore jumping at him into a Patriot Lock. Los Matadores use Twin Magic for the win. I still don’t think they have a shot of winning this weekend.

Fandango & Damien Sandow are taking on Cody Rhodes & Goldust. I’m completely checked out of the beginning of this match. Goldust comes in and takes on Sandow. Goldust does the twisting cross body. Cody goes with the safer spring board to the outside. Final Cut for the win in the ring. Not disappointed that I checked out.

The Shield are confident in whoever has to take on Kane according to Seth Rollins. Dean Ambrose is going to give them an attitude adjustment. Roman Reigns does his low voice bad ass thing. We’re Here is more important than the Shield.

Bray Wyatt is taking on R Truth in a tune up match. This will be a good win but even the kids know R Truth is not even a close resemblance to John Cena. Wyatt only has to sell for a bit. R Truth sells the body block the best of anyone. Looked like he got destroyed. Bray beats down fore arms on Truth. Wyatt gives Truth a chest crushing knee. Sister Abigail’s Kiss. During the pose, John Cena shows up in a sheep’s mask. Why did everyone act surprised it was Cena? The Wyatts should have immediately beat anyone down. Cena gets the better of the exchange which makes me reconsider my match prediction.

AJ Lee is taking on Naomi in a Lumber Jill match. I missed the big rules reveal for the Divas match at Wrestlemania earlier in the wshow. It’s a standard match with 14 people because that match makes so much sense. AJ Lee keeps mouthing off to the Lumber Jill which only leads to trouble for her. Tail bone buster leads to a two count. JBL correctly pointing out how stupid it is with that many people trying to make a pin in the ring. Naomi hits The Rear View for the win.

Renee Young gets to talk to John Cena. Wyatt may not be ready for John Cena to fight. John Cena will be a monster. He’s cutting a good promo. He ends by saying he’s going to put his foot in Wyatt’s ass. Potty mouth.

No surprise that Roman Reigns wins the fan vote to take on Kane. An early spear attempts turns intoa  boot to the face of Reigns. A corner splash is followed by a sidewalk slam by Kane. Reigns pulls the hand off the choke slam. Reigns takes over. The apron drop kick by Reigns is still bad ass. Reigns gets ready for the Super man punch when the New Age Outlaws come out. Ambrose & Rollins make the interception. The Shield surrounds Kane and start beating on him. The New Age Outlaws pull Kane out of the ring.

Rowdy Roddy Piper gets to host Piper’s Pit and talk about his Wrestlemania moment and Andre the Giant. The Miz leads off the pack of wrestlers. Sheamus is up next. Piper has to pretend he is talking. Titus O’Neil is third for some reason. Dolph Ziggler is fourth. Piper starts a brawl. More people from the battle royal hit the ring. I continue to not care about this match. The Big Show finally rears his big head. Big Show cleans house. Zack Ryder gets air time by being dual choke slammed with Ziggler. Rey gets tossed onto everyone. Big Show stands tall.

Randy Orton and Batista are in the ring for the main event when the Authority shows up. They join on the head sets. They turn up the violence early in the match. Batista misses a chair swing. Orton puts Batista head first into the table. Orton suplexs Batista onto the barricade. Batista knocks Orton out of the ring. Mitchell Cool doesn’t undertand why HHH is bating Orton & Batista. Um, aren’t you seeing them beat the hell out of each other? Daniel Bryan starts beating the tar out of HHH. Orton tries to make the save. He failed on the first but tosses Bryan into the stairs on the third try. Batista spears Batista. Bryan gives Batista the Running Knee. Bryan then nails the suicide dive. Bryan starts whacking HHH with a cane. Hmmm, does HHH win now that Bryan went over on the final segment? I don’t think something meaningful will happen on Smackdown. – Kevin

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