Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

sigh-of-reliefSo I’m watching this game between the Penguins & Bluejackets for entirely too much time. The Pens got a 2-0 lead pretty quickly. They then made it 4-0 in the 2nd period so that they hopefully would avoid the jinx of the 3-1 lead in this series. (Next Day Note: I had to re-write the beginning but should have scrapped even more because I didn’t watch that game for too long. The Pens lolly gagging on a PP led to the Jackets getting a burr under their saddle.) They tried to blow it by allowing three goals in the third period but got their shit together long enough to hold off the Jackets. I’m going to be so happy to “upgrade” the announcers next round to the morons on NBCSN. Very slight upgrade. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

John Cena is in the ring first inside a cage. I just sat back and listened because when Cena is on, he can really spin a yarn. He did by asking why the crowd picked the worst odds for him. Cena needs to contain the message of Bray Wyatt because the fans don’t understand how bad that could be. Okay, so that part is a little over dramatic but we’re talking wrestling here. A choir of children sign for Bray Wyatt. He then marches down to the ring with the Family and the choir. They end up having the lambs masks on after Wyatt blows out the kerosene lamp. We get a dull “Cena” chant. This angle has edged his crowd more than normal in the somewhat favor or Wyatt, who gets sing alongs but not much otherwise. He laughs as he rocks one of the children. It’s supposed to draw more heat, right? Good stuff though.

Rybaxel is taking on The Usos for the tag team championships. Curtis Axel starts against Jey, who I can now remember has the full tattoo on his right shoulder. Ryback comes in and of course uses brute force. He misses a splash so that Jimmy come in. Flying Usos. Jey holds his left ankle at the break. (Next Day Note: I was wondering if they’d move the titles to Rybaxel until the “injury.” Sure fire sign the baby faces win.) Jimmy is taking the beat down. Jey ends up getting a hot tag even with the injury. It holds up long enough for a Samoan Drop. Corner splash only gets a two count. Ryback gets a tag behind Jey. He power slams Jey but only gets two. Super kick as Ryback goes for the Meathook Clothesline. Ryback clothes line Jey. Sunset flip by Jey only gets a two. Jimmy gets a tag behind Axel’s back. Jey takes a Perfectplex but Jimmy splashes Axel for the win. Fun stuff. I hope Rybaxel stays together. Sad that’s a statement after a loss in a TV title match.

Paul Heyman admits his faults to Cesaro but guarantees he takes his clients to the top. It’s enough for Cesaro. (Next Day Note: I’d like to hear more from Cesaro but there’s time.) It was all Steph vs Daniel Bryan stuff afterwards. Thanks for letting me play catch up.

Titus O’Neil attacks Sheamus from behind as he made his way down to the ring. Titus tries to take it to Sheamus. The ref breaks it up. Sheamus comes out of the corner with a Brogue Kick for the win. Goodnight to O’Neil’s career of relevance. That’s all I had to type for another segment.

Dolph Ziggler, who I learned is my child over the weekend, (Next Day Note: I was wearing Kent State gear at a bar over the weekend and the waitress asked me if my child went to KSU. I knew I was getting old but not that old.) who gets to introduce Hugh Jackman. Of course they bring up the punch. “Jack Swagger has kicked me harder than that.” is a nice line from Ziggler. Damien Sandow comes out dressed in Magneto’s oversized outfit. This segment is going nowhere fast. They act like Sandow can pull the mic towards hip. Jackman hip tosses Sandow and the he gets Zig Zagged. Woof. Video packages for a PPV = time saving device though it’s good practices by the WWE. (Next Day Note: It also prevents me from typing as much as normal.)

I'm hot so I know what looks good. I picked Jack's new hair cut. Any questions?

I’m hot so I know what looks good. I picked it just for him. From pwmania.com.

Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger come to the ring. Paul Heyman comes out and tries to shame the crowd by saying his kids love him. Oh man, how did I not see that coming with the joke about the Undertaker? I hope that’s the end of the ground beating on the Streak talk too. Good timing to stop after a funny couple of weeks. Cesaro gets introduced. I saw someone complaining about Cesaro’s music on Twitter while looking at game tweets. I agree. It sucks. Cesaro takes control early. Swagger is trying another dopey hair cut. Swagger finally locks up Cesaro with a reverse full nelson. Colter grabs Cesaro’s leg. Swagger takes advantage. Paul Heyman grabs Colter’s mustache. Swagger gets distracted. German suplex for the Cesaro win. Weird finisher. Renee Young wants a reaction from John Cena. He gives no answer just a look of concern.

Cody Rhodes is taking on Alberto Del Rio. Goldust is in Rhodes’ corner. Del Rio takes control when I start paying attention. I was trying to do other stuff. Cody gets out of a reverse chin lock. Cody kicks Del Rio in “the gut.” Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker. Cody holds out but eventually taps. Cody is still pissed at Goldust. (Next Day Note: I’m not sure why Cody is getting another singles push. I can’t wait for the next inevitable one trick pony gimmick he gets.)

Alexander Rusev gets introduced while Xavier Woods is in the ring. Why is he taking him on again in singles competition? Rusev goes for the Accolade when R Truth clocks him for the DQ win. Woods & Truth work together to get him out of the ring. Lana wisely holds back Rusev. (Next Day Note: Rusev is going nowhere fast.) They show John Cena granting wishes today. Renee Young gets my attention when she talks to RVD. Bad News is going to receive some tonight. Zeb Colter asks RVD to help get rid of their common enemy. He gives a stoner response, grandpa.

Los Matadores is taking on 3MB again. Holy crap. A Wee LC Match. I pay little attention to this match because the high light is the little guys on the outside. Heath Slater pins Fernando. “Barry Horowitz is spinning in his grave but he’s not dead yet.” – JBL.

Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring. Daniel Bryan comes out to the ramp before she says anything. Bryan says “She’s full of crap.” Harsh words. She admits her faults. She just wanted a credible opponent for TLC for Bryan. Brie gets a Divas Title match out of the gig. Ominously, Kane’s mask is gone.

From quicklol.com

From quicklol.com

Paige doesn’t get an entrance. Brie gets the offense in first. Paige goes psycho and takes over. Paige knees Brie who was tied up in the ropes. Running knee by Brie is not sold enough. (Next Day Note: Paige takes a knee to the head but recovers before Brie was even on the top rope. Whoever laid out the match didn’t think about that much.) Paige superplexes her. Kane comes up through the ring. Why are broads too dumb to run? Bryan clocks Kane with a giant monkey wrench. Kane recovers as Brie is shuffled out of the ring. But she goes back in for some stupid broad reason after Bryan gets choke slammed. Good build up for such short notice. (Next Day Note: Although in no way do I still buy Kane as a credible opponent.)

Stephanie plays sorry again. Brie “Bitch, get out.” PG rated, right? Renee Young finds John Cena for a second time. Cena just can’t help himself. Stop making the dumb jokes. You’re tainting the greatness you dealt to start the show. Wade Barrett cheers me up with his promo when cutting down of RVD.

RVD takes on Barrett in the IC Title Tournament. They pimp a Big E interview online since he has barely been seen except for short peaks from the back. (Next Day Note: Another shot of Big E rubbing his chin hit right after I typed that.) Barrett gets in some early shots. RVD takes over. Barrett back elbows out of the ring. B-n-B with the thumbs. Barrett kicks RVD “in the stomach.” Barrett has a reverse chin lock. RVD fights out. Winds of Change by Barrett only gets a two count. Neck breaker by Barrett. RVD warms it up as I realize I forgot to tape The Boondocks. I suck. Cesaro comes to the ring. RVD is distracted. Swagger comes down. Barrett misses the Bull Hammer. RVD goes to the top when Cesaro interferes again. Bull Hammer Elbow leads to the win. I hope the match on Sunday is better. (Next Day Note: I meant Barrett vs Big E. Lots of noise surrounding this match. Not sure why RVD got drug into the Real Americans break up aside from the Heyman reference.) Cesaro attacks RVD. Swagger attacks Cesaro. Then RVD. Then RVD gets to go over on both of them. That was a serious Five Star in the distance department. The Shield is in blue light. Dean Ambrose notes that it’s past Evolution’s time. Seth Rollins thinks they believe in false power. Roman Reigns thinks Randy Orton is the past and he’s the future. Believe in the Shield.

HHH, Randy Orton and Batista come to the ring. They each get short promos. Weird that you book the main event so tight. I’m sure this ends in a brawl. Ric Flair’s music hits and he comes out. He sells them out, right? Yep, after he talks up his ties with Evolution, he picks the Shield. Then walks away. Unless this ends in a hurry, I’m not catching the end. Mitchell Cool mentions “cream puff” again. They really want that to catch on or are rubbing in a terrible choice of words. HHH yanks Reigns leg as he sets up for the Superman Punch. Ambrose & Rollins attack HHH & Batista. Superman punch connects as my DVR comes to a halt. Piss off for the first time since WM, WWE. – Kevin

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