Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Part of what we did this weekend.

Part of what I did this weekend.

I’m just finishing the preliminaries from UFC 173 before I do this show. I didn’t spend much time indoors this weekend so that’s what happens when you go Yard Crashers style on your place. Happy to get the work done but feeling it too. I wish it were a four day weekend. On another note, we have big announcement and we’re ramping up to it so you may see some extra content on the site this week and going forward. Time to do this show up right. Let’s roll.

Stephanie McMahon comes out and tries to be condescending about Daniel Bryan. I’m not sure there’s a performer who I switch on disliking and liking more than Steph. HHH gets the mic so that he can talk up the Evolution versus The Shield feud. Brad Maddox comes out for a brow beating or a firing. They bring out Kane to attack Maddox. After being choke slammed and Tomb stoned, Maddox gets fired. As much as I like Maddox, they weren’t giving him TV time. Maybe he can move up to the pre-show booth. (Next Day Note: Congrats to Maddox on getting both of my suggestions along with beaten up.)

Cesaro is taking on RVD again. Before the match can start, Bad News Barrett shows up. According to Barrett, we’re going to find out we’re all fat. Barrett busts out an Indian Summer reference. I didn’t realize they still use that term. RVD gets in the offense early but Cesaro takes over right before the break. Cesaro has now added the Guerrilla Press to his arsenal. RVD gets in Rolling Thunder but only gets two. RVD hits the senton off the top rope. RVD nails the plancha. Barrett goes after RVD but gets super kicked. Another thrust kick leads to a split legged moonsault. RVD with the tilt a whirl kick. Barrett distracts RVD. Cesaro German suplexes RVD for the win. Sheamus sprints down to the ring and Brogue Kicks him. So can this feud help the US Title? Sheamus could chase after losing this weekend.

Eva Marie is in the ring with Nikki Bella. That’s a little weird, right? Summer Rae comes out alone. She falls for the boot adjustment trick. Summer keeps slamming Eva’s face into the mat. Fandango shows up with Layla El. Isn’t this supposed to happen to a good guy? Eva Marie rolls her up for the win. Summer screams in the ring. (Next Day Note: Though I don’t have hate for Summer Rae like my woman, there’s no reason to feel bad for her losing this match.) Randy Orton & Batista are talking when Cody Rhodes & Goldust show up. Cody really delivered with the trash talk. We get a match between the four men later. Batista complains about the skinny jeans comment and HHH responds “You just have big legs.” Ha.

El Torito is coming out for a match against Drew McIntyre. Both clown cars are at the ring side. Ouch. That slam had to hurt. McIntyre goes for a superplex when Los Matadores try to interfere. They get attacked By Heath Slater & Jinder Mahal. El Torito pins McIntyre after some shenanigans. El Torito gets attacked by 3MB. El Torito has to pretend like the fake tail hurts when it’s removed. (Next Day Note: Can a get a showing of hands on whether it matters I didn’t have the winner to this match listed last night? Didn’t think so.)

The WWE thinks they've got the next Tom & Jerry on their hands. From filmschoolrejects.com

The WWE thinks they’ve got the next Tom & Jerry on their hands. From filmschoolrejects.com

Of course they have to do a skit with El Torito and the trainer after the break. It’s as funny as you’re imagining it. I’ve got to admit, I’m over this “Whole World” song already. After explaining Bray Wyatt‘s weirdness to my woman, he requests Jerry Lawler‘s presence in the ring. JBL tries to stand up for Lawler but gets his ass handed to him. Wyatt tells Lawler how he has spread John Cena’s false message. Wyatt asks him if it feels good to be a liar. Luke Harper & Erick Rowan hold Lawler. John Cena shows up. Why didn’t the Usos come out with him? It looks like Wyatt is going to deliver Sister Abigail’s kiss when the Usos finally do show up. John Cena tells Wyatt he just crossed a line. Cena tells him that power has gone to his head. Cena making a good evil case. Mixed reaction as always. Cena tells him payback is going to be a bitch. Cena getting salty. (Next Day Note: Is there a reason Mitchell Cool wasn’t put in Lawler’s part? He’s a more sympathetic target since he wasn’t a wrestler. He’s also pushed Cena’s message as much as anyone else.)

Zack Ryder gets a ring appearance. He’s carrying the American flag. Oh, he gets it to lose to Alexander Rusev. Lana does her normal Vladimir Putin lines. My woman rips on Lana’s bad accent. The Accolade. Big E Langston makes the save. He then waves the American flag. So this match will be on Payback or the pre-show. (Next Day Note: So did I miss what Big E did to be dealt this hand? He got a push out of nowhere so I guess it’s appropriate that his de-push is out of nowhere too.)

Randy Orton & Batista come out for their match against Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Batista starts out against Cody. Goldust takes over after Cody got the upper hand. Batista drives Goldust into the corner. Orton comes in. Cody comes back in. Cody unloads on Orton in the corner. Orton catches him with a running knee. Batista comes in and starts the wear down process. Goldust gets an early hot tag. Batista turns it around with a spine buster. The beat down is still happening after a break. Goldust conects with a reverse elbow. Cody attacks Orton who got in too. Cody nails the Disaster Kick on Batista. Orton turns the next Disaster Kick into an RKO. Orton nails a second one for the win. Justin Roberts informs us that it’s an elimination match and that the two on one match is No Holds Barred. Batista & Orton take over quickly on Goldust. Batista Bomb for the win.

JBL comes back. He needed to come back and save the commentary. JBL says he’s never saving Lawler again. Sin Cara is ready to take on Bo Dallas. We don’t conquer the mountain, we conquer ourselves. Bo gets attacked when he starts high fiving outside. Bo tosses Sin Cara into the corner chest first. Sin Cara enziguris Bo. Sin Cara catches him with a moonsault press. Angle Slam by Sin Cara. Dallas with the spring board bull dog for the win. Bo goes for the victory lap. My woman hates Bo Dallas. She doesn’t Bo-Lieve. It’s mocking tone cracks me up. She then points out his belly fat in the super slo mo. Ha.

Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring first. Daniel Bryan shows up wearing a neck brace. He suckers her in like he’s going to give up the titles. If he gave up the titles, it would not have been worth what he was put through. No! No! No! Steph gets condescending. She points out that Brie touched her. Steph gives him another chance to reconsider. She tells him that if he doesn’t surrender the titles, Brie gets fired. JBL tries to make a case but it’s laughable considering that they just agreed that Steph caused Bryan’s injury by way of Kane. (Next Day Note: I never saw an update for Bryan over the weekend confirming his statement that recovery will take longer than expected. I still expect him to hold onto the title come Sunday until I see news otherwise.)

From the heraldsun.com.au

From the heraldsun.com.au

Alicia Fox comes out to the ring. Emma is her opponent. She doesn’t have Santino with her. Emma takes her down with a clothes line. Emma locks in the Dilemma in the ropes. Emmamite Sandwich is the corner charge. Fox suckers her out and kicks her. Fox starts punking her out. Fox misses a kick. Emma rolls her up for the win. Fox attacks Emma on the outside. Fox screws up whatever move that was supposed to be. Fox tosses Emma to the outside. I FF the part where Alica Fox blows up because I don’t care. The WWE seems to think they have gold from how much time she’s gotten.

Davy Crockett aka Damien Sandow shows up. Adam Rose comes out with his Express. The Bunny hate continues to crack me up. Rose rolls around the ring. Nothing much happens when Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger show up with one of Rose’s people. Rose stills nails his face first snap mare into the mat for the win. Swagger attacks. After Swagger plays to the crowd, Rose goes at Swagger, getting the upper hand. I’d be fine if the Express left during the match itself. That was very distracting last week.

I’m up to date for the first time in a long time. Sheamus comes out. We get the pleasure of more Alberto Del Rio. ADR takes it to the break in control. Sheamus turns things around for a spell but then runs shoulder first into the ring post. Sheamus hulks up and nails the Irish Curse back breaker. Sheamus gets kicked in the head again. Sheamus hits White Noise. Sheamus with a power slam. Sheamus plays up the head injury. Enziguri by Del Rio. ADR kicks Sheamus in the head. He kicks out though. ADR goes for the cross arm break. Sheamus shoves him off and Brogue Kicks ADR for the win. Paul Heyman comes out to talk trash to Sheamus. Cesaro ends up attacking Sheamus from behind. Cesaro finishes him with the Neutralizer. (Next Day Note: I thought earlier that Cesaro having a chasing Sheamus could help the US Title but this would seem indicate that Cesaro will lose on Sunday.)

I get a chance to check on the Blackhawks vs Kings game and nothing is happening. Ouch. 4-1 LA. Mitchell Cool is in the ring. The Shield comes in thru the crowd. Dean Ambrose starts talking as Roman Reigns tosses furniture. Seth Rollins takes over for a while as Reigns finishes. HHH talks up The Shield. He gives us the same speech he gave us last PPV hype. The Shield signs the contract. Reigns tosses it at their feet. Evolution signs the contract. Reigns just wants to fight. Evolution fakes the beg off and we get a brawl. HHH attacks with the sledge hammer. Evolution takes out the Shield. Reigns takes the triple power bomb thru the announcer table. Nice sell for the pay per view. They hadn’t done much up to this point to make that case. Better late than never. – Kevin

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