The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 12 – John Morrison is boring, Chyna is gross, dude looks like a Lita

(Whew, this is it, the final day of the 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas, nearly two weeks of looking back at the dummies and their news stories of 2011. Let’s end it with a whimper: the perennially boring John Morrison decided to take time off after seeing the writing on the wall that no one cares about him; Chyna dove even deeper into the world of pornography, and Lita ill-advisedly appeared somewhere without make-up. *shudder*)

(Originally posted Dec. 12, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, John Morrison has posted a YouTube video (oh god, not another one…) explaining that he needs time to heal and re-train so that when he comes back, he’s better than ever. That’s not saying much, because he’s not very good. If you’ve ever wanted to see 50 seconds worth of wrestling talk that battles Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer for least interesting wrestling talk, this is it.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar (not diva) Chyna is listed on the My Porn Provider Web site (please don’t click that) as a “porn star escort.” Even as righteous as I am, I’d still rather just see the words “porn star” as her title, because I can’t imagine anyone in their right god damn mind wanting to be escorted by that train wreck. You might as well drag a dead pig on a chain next to you, because the looks from your friends are going to be the same.

“BRAAAAY”-kin’ the law!

Finally, that dude who played Lita in WWE was arrested over the weekend for speeding and driving with a suspended license. By the look of that mugshot, I’m surprised she (“Amy” Dumas) wasn’t charged with DWD (Driving While Donkey). Yikes. Thank god she was gone before WWE went HD. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: 
Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3:
 IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: 
Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5:
 Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6:
 Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: 
IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid
Day 9: Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab
Day 10: Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

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The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 11 – Sin Cara has a penis shirt

(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. Funny how these dingbats continue to resurface: Triple H’s first real pet project, Sin Cara, was sin hope from dia una, first being a sloppy wrestler, then failing a piss test, then injuring himself… and then watching some graphic designer create a T-shirt of him with a penis bump. I have a feeling the hands-on Stone Cold Steve Austin would have never a designer to, say, draw a rattlesnake coming out of his jean shorts. Jake Roberts might have, though…)

(Originally posted Nov. 27, 2011) Now, I’m not nearly eloquent enough to put into words how I feel about this, so I am going to just let the picture do the talking. No, I’m not:

1. Sin Cara is a horrible professional wrestler.

2. That is a terrifically horrible shirt.

3. Sin Cara sucks.

4. How did that get off the production line? Somebody thought this was a good idea.

5. Isn’t Sin Cara Triple H’s baby? Strike one. – Dusty

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: 
Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3:
 IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: 
Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5:
 Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6:
 Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: 
IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid
Day 9: Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab
Day 10: Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 10 – Ronnie from MTV “Jersey Shore” coming to TNA

Ronnie Jersey Shore

Douche chills...

(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. TNA supports more dingbats per capita than any other wrestling company, so it should really come as no surprise that they planned to throw money at Ronnie from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” in 2011. Eric’s note: Maybe I’m just jealous because my band has had music on every other MTV show except that one.)

(Originally posted Oct. 20, 2011) According to PWTorch.com (if you can see it under the huge headline “ROODE AWAKENING?” which should have been followed by 😮  Ronnie from MTV’s hit TV show “Jersey Shore” is coming to TNA. For those of you who, unlike me, don’t watch the show, Ronnie is what they call a “douchebag” because he breaks up with his skeezy girlfriend on a monthly basis, and a “gorilla” because he’s all tanned and spiked like the rest of these guidos but he also lifts heavy in the gym and has an unnatural body size for someone who lives in New Jersey, which means you should be skinny from dodging from stray bullets.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro gets in the ring with TNA’s IMPACT WRESTLING on SpikeTV! Star of MTV’s “Jersey Shore” makes his wrestling debut on Thursday, November 3.

Yes, you read that right, his “wrestling debut.” Wow. OK, rather than outright make fun of this decision by TNA, let me take a different approach and list the top six reasons why Ronnie from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” is coming to TNA Impact Wrestling:

6) TNA thinks it’s leveraging Viacom’s connection between shitty Spike TV and a highly rated show on MTV, because obviously the Robbie E and Cookie gimmicks worked so well for them earlier this year.

5) Scott Steiner heard about “Ronnie Juice” and, instead of understanding that’s a name for Ronnie’s shitty mixed drink, assumed this guy would bring him steroids.

4) Dixie Carter wants to have extra-marital sex with someone with a New England accent other than Vince Russo.

3) Eric Young is tired of looking like the biggest dipshit on the roster.

2) Hulk Hogan is tired of being the most orange person on the roster.

And the No. 1 reason Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” is coming to TNA:

1) It’s god damn christ-punching TNA, and any chance they get to throw an appearance fee at a celebrity (and last I checked, Ronnie was commanding between $12,000 and $20,000 an appearance), they do. Because they’re idiots.

It’s like fucking Groundhog Day around here. Join us again in four hours when TNA makes its next stupid-ass business decision. -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: 
Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3:
 IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: 
Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5:
 Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6:
 Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: 
IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid
Day 9: Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 9 – Matt Hardy’s DWI, Kurt Angle’s DWI, one of them goes to rehab

"And now I'll go drive one of those cars back there into a tree!"

(Once again, on a day like today, with so many stories to choose from, why pick one? Especially when they’re all related, and it lends multiple opportunities to poke fun at Mr. 2011 Matt Hardy.)

(Originally posted Sept. 14, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy was yet again arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. Oh, gee willikers, I sure do hope this is the wake-up call Hardy needs to get his life back in order oh wait who gives a flying fuck about his life. If he doesn’t care enough to keep himself in working order, neither do I. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Man, these guys are hard on Hardy for what he does in his personal life,” keep in mind how much of his personal life he’s posted on the Internet. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, this latest charge isn’t even something he Tweeted or YouTubed about,” remember that a violation of the law is in the public record, and if he wasn’t such a god-awful fuck-up as an alleged human being, his name wouldn’t be in the books to begin with. Sure, we all make mistakes. Well, once or twice is a mistake. At the rate Matt Hardy is going, he ought to just say hello to David Carradine for us. -Eric

UPDATE: Oh, that explains it, he was framed. (This, according to Prowrestling.net.) Yep, I’ve heard of this. I watch a lot of “Today” in the morning. What happened was, see, Matt was sitting at home, minding his business and messing with the many distracting settings on his Flip camera when, out of the blue, Jealous Internet Reporter Jones came into his house, slipped a roofie into his extra-large Oreo Blizzard, waited for Matt to go for a joyride in his “I’ve made two lifetimes’ income” Chevy Caprice Classic and then alerted the cops that an intoxicated Hardy was behind the wheel. Matt passed every sobriety test, and the cop, obviously a costumed writer for some Web site called Crashy Grandparent, placed handcuffs on Matt and escorted him to a real jail cell. Matt did absolutely nothing wrong to obtain his latest charge of driving (something you have to actively do) while intoxicated (something most people with a history of intoxication also actively choose to do). I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this frame job, so stay tuned to Twitter, as if you weren’t already glued there.

"Eeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................."

(Originally posted Sept. 7, 2011) According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle was arrested Sunday morning in Warren County, Va., and charged with driving under the influence. (Christ, you could set your watch to Angle’s drunken antics.) Angle went on to say that he’d plead not guilty to the charges because he claims his blood alcohol content was 0.06. However, the police (and who trusts them, anyway?) had this to say, according to the Northern Virginia Daily:

The wrestler’s first test, conducted at the scene of the traffic stop near Linden, came back above the legal limit of 0.08. On a second test at the Front Royal police headquarters Sunday morning, Angle blew a 0.06, according to state police.

A report filed by Trooper C.R. Scally also stated that Angle failed several field sobriety tests.

Hmmm, I’m never sure who to believe in these cases, the police who are hired to protect and serve us (but occasionally beat us unmercifully when we get out of control or aren’t white), or Kurt Angle, who gets celebrates a full moon by getting pilled up, pulled over and tossed in jail for half the night. Furthermore, this happened in northern Virginia, where people on a nightly basis drink half a jug of moonshine labeled “XXX,” then go out driving in their General Lee trying to run from Boss Hogg. Cops’ Judgment: 1, Kurt Angle’s Habitually Poor Judgment: 0. -Eric


(Originally posted Sept. 20, 2011) Saw this video posted last night. Unlike every time before with one of Matt Hardy’s videos I decided to sleep on it and watch it again. Apparently Matt is going to rehab on WWE’s dime. He is entering voluntarily thanks to the assistance of Vince McMahon – you know, the devil.

Regardless of previous posts correctly calling Matt out on his bullshit, this one is actually conflicting. It’s easy to make fun of the guy for falling apart on camera talking about finding himself and his happier days. It’s easy to point out his fashion sense is that of a thirteen-year-old MMA wanna-be.

What isn’t easy, though, is believing a word he is saying. You want to believe, at least I do, that he is going to get better and that he realizes he has to get better. But who posts a video blog telling people you are voluntarily going to rehab? What kind of glory hound has to put his personal business out there instead of just going and doing what he needs to do to get healthy?

Can you see the reason for being skeptical? It just seems like yet another line of bullshit to get hits on his YouTube channel and sell some “The Hardy Show” DVDs. Can anyone honestly say that this isn’t a possibility? Is anyone else waiting for a “very special episode” of “The Hardy Show” or even a “Celebrity Rehab” version of the show?

Now, after viewing the video, I think this may be another step after hitting rock bottom. Maybe Matt feels the need to document it as a reminder of how far he has fallen. We all remember the “Mattitude” gimmick back in WWE when it seemed like he was poised for great things. It never happened for one reason or another and he has been a joke ever since. If he goes to rehab and does successfully overcome his addictions, then great, welcome back to real life. The problem will be in dealing with his addiction. You don’t go in and suddenly come out of it no longer an addict. It is a daily struggle.

It isn’t an episode of your show. It isn’t a video blog. It is life and death. Look at the history of the industry and argue against it. This is sappy crap but whatever: I am rooting for this to be legit. I will take no shame in saying I was wrong and I’ll be at the front of the line to apologize for doubting his intentions.

So good luck, Matt Hardy, you are going to need it. -Jeremy

UPDATE: He better run his fat ass to rehab as fast as his bow legs can carry him, then, because according to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy was arrested yet christ-punching again, this time on charges of possession with intent to sell/deliver a controlled substance and possession of paraphernalia. Police searched Hardy’s home in Cameron, N.C., and found steroids, Ecstasy, a Red Baron pizza cooking in the oven, and Kurt Angle’s telephone number. So long, sucker! -Eric

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5: Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6: Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended
Day 8: So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 8 – So Jimmy Yang still hasn’t gotten paid


(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. And it would have been so easy to pick on Matt Hardy here, either for his suicide video on YouTube or his DWI arrest in the foothills of Moonshine Country. Or, in a plea for more Web site hits, we could have reposted the story about Linda Bollea accusing Hulk Hogan of having gay sex with Brutus Beefcake. Instead, we chose to pick on TNA, who, despite what you might hear from Kurt Angle or Hulk Hogan or Dixie Carter or Jeff Jarrett, still can’t afford to pay its jobbers. Enter the Yang.)
(Originally posted Aug. 18, 2011) It was all downhill from here, folks.

Speaking of TNA being soaked in trailer park, they apparently have yet to pay Jimmy Yang. Here’s what I’ve been able to gather from various internet reports about this. Yang did a one-shot appearance in TNA on the June 27 Impact Wrestling taping, reviving his old Flying Elvis character. The Flying Elvises were the first thing that ever appeared in TNA, way back during the weekly pay-per-view era. I used to get all those shows, because I had a friend who was willing to go half-and-half with me, and I was so desperate at the time for an alternative to WWE. Naive young Dusty.

In any event, it’s been since then and Yang has yet to get a paycheck from TNA that doesn’t bounce like a Milwaukee Bucks basketball. So naturally, this led to an upset Yang taking the whole thing public. For some reason, that action caused TNA management to call him up and tell him he was acting unprofessionally. An enraged Yang fired back that not paying someone for their work is what is *really* unprofessional.

Look, I know I’m Anti-TNA Guy around here. My colleagues usually choose to handle TNA with more diplomacy, for reasons that are lost on me. But I don’t think there’s any way to sugar coat this. This is TNA failing on an epic, public scale. Stuff like this is only going to serve to encourage released WWE performers to ply their trade in Japan or elsewhere overseas. TNA is the Little Engine That Absolutely Can’t But Insists On Continuing Anyway. – Dusty

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5: Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6: Jeff Hardy tases a woman
Day 7: IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 7 – IWA-MS is bakk, Ric Flair is in debt, Sin Cara is suspended

(Let’s just cut to the chase today: When looking for only 12 stories to summarize the stupidity of an entire calendar year in pro wrestling, a) it simply becomes damn near impossible to do, and b) you start to see trends in the idiocy. So, I’m sorry, but Day 7 of the 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas brings you three tales of retardation, each involving someone we’ve already doted upon during this series: IWA-Mid South, the little engine that shouldn’t; Ric Flair, the million-time world champion without two dimes to hold between his often-naked ass cheeks; and Sin Cara, brought in by new talent developer Triple H and then suspended faster than a botched huracanrana.)

(IWA Mid-South is Bakk: Originally posted July 22, 2011) Extry extry, read all about it: http://iwamidsouth.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=iwamsonlytopics&action=display&thread=6225&page=1

Hilariously, they’ve ethered all of the old board, apparently looking for a “fresh start.” Even more hilariously, the new ownership team is not revealing themselves. I’m placing my money on Ian Grotten and Fim Jannin, personally. – Dusty

(Hey everyone! Let’s help Ric Flair pay off his debt: Originally posted July 21, 2011) Check it out: http://ricflair.com/shop/catalog/

Most notable to you might be that the Big Gold Belt is on sale for $4,550. Most notable to me is that for $750 you can have a live video chat with the man. The Man. I would be willing to put in upwards of five dollars, if someone else wanted to pitch in as well. We could have him talk about how great Stunt Granny is for five minutes. – Dusty

(Sin Cara Suspended: Originally posted July 18, 2011) Well this explains the loss on Smackdown, then the twitching awkward exit during the Money in The Bank match. See, Sin Cara has been suspended for his first WWE Wellness Policy violation.  They don’t release what exactly he failed but the fact he failed the policy is embarrassing. Maybe this turns out to be a Rey Mysterio type of deflection and he’ll produce a prescription but it still tarnishes Sin Cara and he doesn’t have enough polish right now to recover. All the hype, mood lighting and push he has gotten haven’t amounted to anything substantial. Smackdown ratings are in the grave and is soundly panned for being boring. Hopefully this will allow Sin Cara the time to get used to WWE’s rings and a few lessons in handling pressure. -Jeremy

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5: Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out
Day 6: Jeff Hardy tases a woman

The 12 Days of Jesus H. Christmas: Day 6 – Jeff Hardy Tases a Woman

(For the 12 days leading up to Christmas, Stunt Granny will relive with you the 12 most head-slapping, dipshitty stories of 2011, the things that made us wonder why we still watch professional wrestling and support some of these dingbats. Here’s proof that these very dingbats pay attention to our site: The above video, where Jeff Hardy tases his brother Matt’s girlfriend and known ring rat Reby Sky, was taken down after Jeremy wrote the scathing post below. This, of course, is the beginning of the end for Matt, the bane of our collective existence. U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Yup, Jeff Hardy shows up on the latest episode of Matt Hardy’s youtube show. It is understandable to be upset by this video. It clearly shows a scared woman being held at bay by Matt Hardy while Jeff taunts her with the taser. He then applies it to her arm and she falls in pain.

Here’s the reason you shouldn’t care.

She willingly allows Matt Hardy to place his penis in her vicinity and in all probability inside her vagina.

She gets what she deserves. -Jeremy

———UPDATE———–

Well, well, well, look at what happened now. Looks like someone realized what a bad idea it was to put that video up for public consumption. Maybe, just maybe they realized that posting a video of your brother, who is up on drug trafficking charges, tazing a young woman is a bad idea. Let’s be a tad smarter in the future.

Day 1: Ric Flair still can’t keep his finances straight
Day 2: Bret Hart on Twitter, put the letter “S” in front of the wrong word 
Day 3: IWA-Mid South: Going Out Of Business Since 2002
Day 4: Triple H leading WWE new talent development
Day 5: Chyna to make more porn, eidvo43we.. oops, can’t see, gouged my eyes out

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