Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Reviews: Zombie Ass: Toilet of The Dead (2011)

You ever see a movie title and you just have to watch it? This is the scenario I ran in to coming across Zombie Ass: Toilet of The Dead.” By title alone it grabs your attention. Of course this is the exact point where you lose interest. Aftr watching this the only thing I could think of is “What the hell is wrong with the Japanese?” Sure it isn’t fair to lump an entire society or culture in a pile over this but whatever. The movie makes no sense other than the fact there are undead people around. I gave up after that. From what I could gather, in between the screaming women and over emphasizing men, some kids want to remain slim so they go and eat mutated worms out of a stream. Why? Well why not? Then they get sick and one girl uses an outhouse because she has an upset stomach No one can fart because it is bad form or something. Then they start to die one by one as the mutated worms prolapse their anus and attack with sharp points. The entire movies follows through with fart jokes, ass fetish and nonstop idiocy. Even for my ridiculous tastes I had enough of this flick.

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Deathstalker (1983)

There is nothing awesome about this.

There is nothing awesome about this. Other than the poster.

I had always heard of a movie by the name of “Deathstalker.” There were whispers of this being possibly the worst movie ever made. I remember as a kid seeing the box cover in the video stores but it was Rated-R so it was off limits. Actually, most of the “Conan the Barbarian” style fantasy movies had the best Frank Frazetta style box artwork. SO even if the movie sucked you would never know it by the packaging. Enough about that though, “Deathstalker” is an incredibly bad movie actually bordering on an incredibly tragic level of film-making and I enjoyed every second of it. I am the same person who watched the entire running time, including credits, of Barbarian Queen, so it should come as no surprise. “Deathstalker” has everything you would expect; terrible swordplay, gratuitous (wonderful) breasts, rancid acting, incoherent plot and the list goes on and on. The movie has no sense of continuity in long form storytelling let alone form scene to scene. As with the other movies of its time and genre this was nothing but a cash grab trying to rip dollars from audiences thinking they were getting another “Conan.” Instead you get a poorly conceived flick that may be too much for some people to stomach. I implore you to battle through just to build your will. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Reviews: Blue is The Warmest Color (2013)

blue-is-the-warmest-color-poster“Blue is The Warmest Color” really warrants more than one paragraph but there are rules for a reason. Sure I decided to give this film a try because it was granted an NC-17 rating for copious amounts of graphic lesbian sex but don’t be fooled, the film does manage to work in a totally erect penis. Seeing this film described as “intensely erotic” totally misses the point. Yeah the sex scenes are graphic and overly long but they are a small part of what is a very difficult, well-acted and well plotted story. The film deals with some heavy themes such as sexual coming of age, the confusion of identity, the pursuit of love, the loss of love and acceptance. It wouldn’t work at all if it wasn’t for the stellar acting of the two leads. Their performances make the three hour running time move quickly so don’t be scared off by the running time. The film does seem like a battle at times due to the heavy-handed direction of Abdellatif Kechiche . His decision to utilize predominately tight camera shots and narrow world view taint what should be a great film. The story and acting though overcome these issues and make what is in no way easy viewing but it is a rewarding experience. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Reviews: Bounty Killer (2013)

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I have no problem admitting that I like the remake of Death Race and “Bounty Killer” reminds me a lot of that flick. The announcer type narrator and ridiculous premise are the two things that they share.  There is even a touch of Indiana Jones in it as the story flows along a map. Apparently this movie is based off of a graphic novel or as a comic reader likes to call them, comic books. The movie had potential but the limited budget did it no favors. Also the running time severely handicaps the story. If given time the world and backstories could have been explained more. This would work as a Cinemax series. No, not one of the Skinemax flicks but more along the lines of Banshee and Strike Back. There was definitely potential with this movie and this story but it ends up just being a ho hum, low budget action flick with big ideas. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Alyce Kills (2011)

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Netflix recommended this movie since I must have watched some other crap horror film or something like a suspenseful intriguing thriller. Nevertheless “Alyce Kills” is a low budget movie that goes for the gore to make up for its bland plot. Most of the story follows familiar drug movie tropes ad then decides to change gears and tries becoming a gorefest. It doesn’t work. Everything in the movie is a paint by numbers experience and I quickly lost interest. I did manage to get to the end only because it was obvious the movie was coming to a brisk ending. The biggest issue with the movie is he title characters fall in to drugs and violence is wasted because she is not likeable form the first frame. She sort of sucks and thus her descent to madness and depravity rings hollow. Who cares if the annoying character gets worse and has no redemption? -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Bad Ass (2012)

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Danny Trejo has made a nice little film career for himself with the Machete films. Those are enjoyable flicks that move fast and are full of ridiculous action and story it is hard not to like them. Trejo continues what I am coining Mexsploitation films, with Bad Ass. The film is based off of the actions of that crazy old coot that beat down a guy on a public bus in Oakland some years ago. The movie has all of the elements of the Blaxploitation genre as it relates to race, sex, humor and action. The big problem with this movie though is that it gets increasingly difficult to figure out what is supposed to be funny if any of it is supposed to be funny at all. The action and plot get so ridiculous you are waiting for a wink from Trejo. You get some near misses but nothing definitive. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is fun and move at a brisk pace. It never seems to take itself too seriously, I guess but again that is the overall problem. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Barbarian Queen (1985)

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On the Mount Rushmore of old sword and sorcery movies you have anything named Conan, Red Sonya and Marc Singer’s gorgeous blonde bob from Beastmaster. Of course you need four faces; so may I present to you Barbarian Queen. How this isn’t held in the same regard as those other films may have something to do with the fact it is rather terrible. Holy shit this came out in 1985? Incredible, just incredible. While watching this I was convinced this was a late 60’s erly 70’s schlock movie. It make sense now why this was made.You know exactly what you are getting four minute in to this flick as you get, redneck barbarian, titties and a rape of the soon to be queens sister. See, this may be named Queen of the Barbarians but the chick, the late Lana Clarkson,  never marries the king. She isn’t a damn queen. Her village is pillaged and her ceremonial htu is burned to the ground, well, sort of. She really isn’t much of a barbarian as well. But then when compared to the King Aragan she is a rather incredible warrior. This is definitely one of those really bad movies that is absolutely enjoyable to watch. How this isn’t a cult film is beyond me. The production is awful, the sound dub and mix is terrible, the sets are plastic and the story is barely rudimentary. It seems this was more of an excuse to see just how many bare breasts they could expose through the movie. In that regard this movie is a rousing success. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Oblivion (2013)

WEK_Oblivion_0419Normally these reviews avoid spoilers but in talking about everything wrong with “Oblivion” it is near impossible. What an absolute let down.  The movie trailer was pretty much perfect. It didn’t give much away. It featured a lot of Tom Cruise and had plenty of mystery. Then you watching this garbage movie and realize the trailer was just as disjointed and confusing as this movie.  So aliens come to Earth and battle people and start mining the planet for power or something. It is incredibly obvious from the first scene that the humans did not win the war and the aliens are manipulating Tom Cruise and his companion. The timeline does not lend itself to the technological advances and as soon as you see the computer commander, you realize she is the bad guy.  But that isn’t enough. Tom Cruise has dreams of a different life even though his memories had been erased. They are of a strange woman and he proposes to her in a romantic fashion. So you get this added relationship and romantic entanglements that are totally unnecessary. Why are his memories erased? Who knows? As it turns out Tommy is actually a clone and everything he knows is not as he was told or something.  Wait, yes I did say he was a clone. Why? Your guess is as good as mine. The movie makes no sense and has zero drama. Morgan Freeman is there because he is Morgan Freeman and apparently Ernie Hudson’s voice wasn’t smooth enough.  What an absolute waste of two hours.  -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Reviews: The Last Stand (2013)

The-Last-Stand-2013_1920x1080“The Last Stand” may be one of the worst marketed movies ever. If you caught the trailer the movie looked like a screwball action comedy and that couldn’t be further from the finished product. Johnny Knoxville is in the film but his part is so miniscule it boggles the mind why he was such a focus in the advertising. What you get with “The Last Stand” is a throwback to old Arnold Schwarzenegger movies such as Commando, Predator and The Running Man. It is full of violence, goofy tag lines and action. It was fun seeing old Arnold going back to what made him famous. The old man still has it and he knows how to carry an action flick even at his age. This was an absolutely enjoyable flick and well worth catching. -Jeremy

Jeremy’s One Paragraph Movie Review: Olympus Has Fallen (2013)

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All right now be honest; when you saw the title of this post you immediately thought or said “ yuck.” This is totally acceptable as every trailer for this movie made it look incredibly stupid. I will gladly agree with that sentiment but this movie was fun. Yes the plot is straight up Die Hard in the White House but after that it is a solid action flick. Gerard Butler is best in action movies and he is at his best here. He plays his role with totally sincerity. The movie is totally devoid of any wink or nod to how redundant his situation is. There are no convoluted plot twists. The bad guys are evil and the good guys are good. The movie breaks no new ground but it rolls by at a brisk pace. It was also full of bloody violence that is missing from action movies now. While violence isn’t a prerequisite in film snow it should be in action movies. Bloodless violence is nauseating and “Olympus Has Fallen” makes sure you see the consequences of bullets to the chest, head and legs. Overall, it is just a fun movie to watch.  -Jeremy

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