Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

I'm at the middle of the show and completely confused by everything happening and not in a good way either.

I’ve got nothing for an opening today. I’m tired but ready to bang out this review. Let’s roll.

Jeremy had a great line about Sting. Bobby Roode made him so mad, he was going to start going around everywhere in black face. So wish I had thought of that one. Evidently Kurt Angle is going to tell us multiple reasons why he attacked Jeff Hardy. My guess is that Jeff stopped supplying him with vitamins, cough cough. Kurt brings out cue cards. At least he’s not hiding his note cribbing like the Rock. Unlike the Rock, Angle is in no way electrifying. Just like the Rock, his promo sucks. He calls out Hardy. Jeff slaps him then double legs him. TNA loves officials from the back. Bobby Roode is still the “IT Factor of professional wrestling”. Ask the Miz how much that matters. Austin Aries wonders in. He says indirectly he tweeted something but not what he wrote. Excellent way to craft a promo. If you’re a moron. They talk a walk together because we can’t get enough of fighting authority figures in wrestling today. (That’s a huge dose of sarcasm.)

Daniels & Kazarian come out for the gauntlet match against AJ Styles. Ah, if AJ wins he gets to know why Kazarian turned on him. Why didn’t Daniels order Kazarian to be the first in the match? Kazarian can just lay down now. He still doesn’t like being controlled. They went to commercial break early. Kaz gives AJ his finisher to DQ Daniels but then pins AJ. Daniels looks confused. In a way, I don’t blame him but the main point is not giving out the info. Madison Rayne tries to impress Gail Kim with a bunch of pictures. Gail got them a day at the spa and a match against ODB.

Kim comes out with Madison for the match. Not a fan of the heel vs heel. ODB brings Eric Young to the ring with her. Madison Rayne stopped a bronco buster with a boot to the cooch. EY distracts the ref while his woman is winning. ODB gets the win when Kim can’t interfere? They argue again. Bully Ray berates the make up lady. Roode & Aries make the pitch to get rid of Sting to him. Velvet can barely complain about being screwed before Angelina & Sarita attack her.

They come back from commercial and Velvet Sky is complaining again. She was screwed by Madison. The screwing stops now. Then they replay what they did before the break. Excellent work morons. Weakest assault ever. Mickie James makes the save in the strangest outfit ever. She’s gone 80’s neon. Ric Flair yells at Garrett Bischoff. They want Garrett to come to his sense still. For some reason, Flair, Gunner & E Bisch think they can continue to beat down Garrett. Ground Hog Day something fierce.

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TNA Audio #5 – Swinging From The Barn Door

Yeah man, Direct Auto Insurance is awesome. Say, don't we have a title match coming up or something?

This is a very special edition of TNA Audio because not only do Dusty and Matt discuss the February 9 Impact episode, but they also go above and beyond the call of duty to talk about the February 12 Against All Odds pay-per-view as well! That means that your earbuds are in for a sweet, sweet serenade about things like:

-Why Dusty feels like Hulk Hogan is a human acid trip, and why he is responsible for that woman’s hideous attire.

-Why they both feel like TNA is really getting the hang of solid, episodic storytelling, and why they might have a leg up over WWE when it comes to this.

-Why Magnus might be on the cusp on something, if he can break free from the boys in the back and bullshit of the politics behind that curtain.

-Why the company would really be in business if only they could figure out how to properly end the main events of their pay-per-views.

And a whole lot more nonsense, including Dusty yelling loudly at his dog, Matt being lethargic because this was one of the most boring Impacts in a long time, Dusty hoping people notice he just got a new phone and that’s why he sounds like a whole lot better this week (fingers crossed), Dusty standing silently to Matt’s side with a towel around his neck making intimidating looking faces, Matt quietly binging on his free ice cream from last week while Dusty rants, and a whole lot more, so listen or death!

Stunt Granny TNA Audio Show #5

Stunt Granny Audio- TNA Roster Game 2011

This isn't accurate but it isn't any better.

Nearly a year to the day Stunt Granny brings back everyone’s favorite show. Yes it is time for the TNA roster game. For the uninitiated the entire crew gets together and plays booker and the almighty. Who stays? Who goes? Why keep Shannon Moore for any reason? Who is considered an asset in the eyes of some and absolute garbage in the eyes of others? Why go through all of this? Why is Eric squirming for the last fifteen minutes? Why do the guys drag it out much longer than necessary? Well the answer is simple a retarded dog with no education is smarter than the decision makers in TNA. To prove this fact a bunch of assholes will all talk over each other to make jokes at Dixie Carter and her merry pack of goons’ expense. So join in the audio goodness.

Stunt Granny Audio Show- TNA Roster Game 2011

Past TNA Roster shows

TNA ROSTER GAME 2010

TNA ROSTER GAME 2099 Part 1

TNA ROSTER GAME 2009 Part 2

TNA Potpourri

Doctors say she needs a faceotomy!

Man, I hate TNA. Have I ever mentioned that? I just wanted to make sure.

Sarah “Sarita” Stock is currently out of action due to facial paralysis. He missed her match last night in Pachuca, Mexico, as well as tonight’s show at Arena Mexico. No word if she will be ready by Monday’s television tapings in Orlando. She is not scheduled for Sunday’s PPV show.

Now, my life is predicated on two things and two things only. One is that I always have an abundant supply of spaghetti to, uh, eat. Yeah that’s it. The other is to have the ability to move my face. So, you know, that’s gotta really suck.

TNA Impact rating was a 1.1.

They could have Jesus come down and deliver Abyss a pizza and I’m not sure they would get beyond a 1.1.

What looks to be the next Impact taping on the road is scheduled for 8/25 in Huntsville, AL, at the Von Braun Center.

I recognize the Von Braun Center as a regular Superstars taping locale back in the day. I wonder also if Hardcore Holly will be in attendance there. I wonder why they haven’t brought him in yet since a) they bring absolutely everyone in who has WWE on their resume at some point, and b) Russo loves those worked shoots, so it would seem natural for him to want to book a Holly vs. Mr. Anderson feud at some point. Have I mentioned how much Mr. Anderson sucks? I just want to make sure that is mentioned. – Dusty

Stunt Granny Big 11 (or so) Week Ending 6/4/11

1. Kharma – She had the most memorable segment of the week. It sucks that she won’t have a chance to make the women’s division relevant until next year. Kharma cut a well spoken, articulate promo that got Jim Ross in a little bit of hot water. Later in the week, she said that insult was the reason she has made it in wrestling so everyone won. congratulations on the pregnancy, Kharma. -Kevin

2. Brand Amnesia – Since the WWE thinks we’re all a bunch of idiots who don’t pay attention, I’d like to note that in my Blog and my follow up article that Alex Riley was going to Smackdown. Just over a month after he got drafted, Alex Riley got signed by the anonymous Raw General Manager on Monday. Teddy Long needs to be fired for letting any talent go because Smackdown has got nobody and Riley was at least on the radar unlike Ted DiBiase. -Kevin

3. Imitations – TNA has got more problems than I care to catalog but this week alone they trotted out Miss Tessmacher who is a rip off from Superman, Mr. Anderson continued to imitate the young Sting, Crimson is trying to do Goldberg, Eric Young impersonated the Great Muta, Abyss continues to make believe he’s Mankind and lastly, Impact Wrestling imitated a wrestling program. -Kevin

4. Christian – All of these kneejerk jerks online who poo-pooed Christian losing the somewhat-coveted World Heavyweight Title only a few days after he won it might rest comfortably knowing Christian’s still in the main event given this week’s Smackdown angle. Oh, I’m sorry, making main-event money isn’t good enough and he should have to lug around a huge championship belt everywhere he goes? Some people are dunces. -Eric

5. Ultimate Warrior – Warrior is making waves online by calling out Hulk Hogan for blocking Warrior fans (Destrucians?) from Hogan’s social media platforms. Well, if people really want to make an impact, maybe they shouldn’t hide behind their keyboards and make smart-ass comments like a… bunch of… tough guys…… oh. -Eric

6. Chyna- Porn. Chyna is in a new porn movie. A new porn is being made starring professional wrestling’s Chyna. (Sorry that this entry is so redundant, but our posts about Chyna and porn have gotten us a lot of hits lately. We’ll piggyback off that trainwreck any day!) -Eric

7. Front Row Kid- At the 48 minute mark, or so ,of Impact Miss Tessmacher gets in the ring. On the lower left hand side of the screen there is a blonde woman looking to her right at her son. He has to be about ten-tears old. He is fake applauding. Miss Tessmacher then pulls off her skirt showing off her tight ass. In the background the kids jaw falls open as he raises both arms in the air in stunned celebration. This is the only genuine reaction I have ever seen on a TNA broadcast. –Jeremy

8. Impact Wrestling- So wrestling matters? Um, the show starts with talking, followed by a brawl, then more talking, somewhere there is a three minute match then more talking, something with Don West, eventually a Matt Hardy match so that doesn’t count as wrestling, then talking, tits, an actual match wrecked by bad booking then it ends with talking. One positive, I have become a marksman with the dvr controls. – Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of iMPACT Wrestling

Wrestling news has been slow for two weeks now.

For the last two weeks, there hasn’t been much news. God bless Eric who has squeezed blood out of two different stones this week alone. I mean, is Foley bragging about himself again really news? Eric skewers him well as he always does but seriously, that’s the big news of the last two weeks? OK, I almost feel like I’m doing a write up for an audio now. Since the news is slow and my moron buddy forgot to call me before coming over to watch the Bruins against Lightning, I’m headed to the hurt locker voluntarily and doing a review of iMPACT Wrestling, Will it be a new era? Not from what I read. Now I get to witness it.

I almost started without a Yuengling. Silly Kevin. My DVR was still set to record this show even with the name change. RVD has taken a serious tumble. Losing to Sting at this juncture is pathetic. I’m sure this is a new entrance montage but I don’t remember what the last one was like. Immortal saunters to the ring. The blue ring ropes makes me think Smackdown. The whole black, white and blue theme reminds me of Smackdown. You just needed to stay away from blue and red. Is it that hard? Go green. Go black. Go yellow for Hogan colors. Kendrick’s music is worse than Daniel Bryan’s. Kendrick isn’t odd enough to be delivering this message. Plus, the X Division being resurrected is like the US or IC Title meaning something again.Easy E’s arms look bigger than they used to. Mildly, Moderate Red is all you have Bischoff? TNA couldn’t have picked a more bland group to represent the X Division. Plus, it’s another large faction after Immortal & Fortune. Taz acting like Bischoff getting into the ring is a big deal is embarrassing. We end up with one big brawl. The Bucks and Red just about kill themselves to show that the X Division does suck.

Tenay acting like Sting was in his trademark gear was embarrassing too. You could tell by skin color it wasn’t Sting. Six woman tag match starts after the break. Anarquia is the hype man. Better choice than Hernandez. Miss Tessmacher making making up for a lack of wrestling by doing robot dancing. She still has the most fantastic heiney in wrestling. Madison Rayne over acting. Rosita takes the beating since Rayne is a coward.

Kazarian versus Abyss for the X Division title.  Taz bringing an astounding dumb line of logic to why there shouldn’t be an X Division. Taz continues to make no sense (Cole employs logic for Pete’s sake) during a mediocre match. Abyss fakes an injury to win a match that the announcers called him a favorite in. Taz said the internet is burning up because of the title change. Wow, he is terrible.

Samoa Joe squashes Amazing Red. Crimson makes the save. Crimson can’t figure out how to get his shirt off. Great example of how inept TNA is.

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Jay Lethal Released By TNA

Fuckin figures.

UPDATE: The news of Jay Lethal’s release came on April 21. According to Wikipedia, Jay Lethal’s birthday is April 21. Burn in hell, TNA.

So Jay Lethal apparently wasn’t good enough for TNA any longer. According to PWInsider via ProWrestling.net, TNA has released the former X-Division champion. Of course he will be better remembered for his stint as a Macho Man tribute act.  So, what to make of this?

Really, it is TNA so who cares but Lethal is a young guy that has plenty of years ahead. He should have been valuable to TNA but he isn’t Eric Young, Rob Terry, Orlando Jordan, Abyss, Crimson or one of those easily confusable jackass security guys.

Releasing Lethal, regardless of if he asked for it or not, speaks to the bigger problem with TNA; they have no clue how to utilize their talent. Sure Lethal will never be a main event player but he is young and has the talent to make for a compelling mid-card act. He could have been a staple of their X-Divison but it is clear they don’t care about that. He could have been a player for the television title but there are no clearly defined rules for that belt anyway so it wouldn’t have mattered actually.

Here is the one idea no one will mention; WWE needs to get him on the next season of Tough Enough. No not developmental or NXT, they need to get him on television in a controlled environment and see if they can mold a personality for him. See if he sticks. If he wins it, great, if not, nothing lost and he can go to ROH or Japan.  -Jeremy

TNA is a hot mess: Wrestlers injured, Kurt Angle sentenced, Jeff Hardy court date moved

This is basically Abyss.

Good lord. According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle was sentenced today for his March 25 bout of reckless driving in Grand Forks, S.D. Angle was given one year of probation, some fines, and a 10 days in jail, suspended. One year of probation for Kurt “Bi-racial Girlfriend Stalker, Good-Timin’ Pill-Popper” Angle, huh? What’s the over-under on three months?

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Jeff Hardy’s court date (stemming from his Sept. 2009 arrest) has been pushed back yet another month. That’s just 30 more days for him to build another illuminami, do a bunch of meth, and show up in no condition for being alive. Good job, North Carolina court system, you’re practically the pusher on playground. Oh, what’s that? If I sell this to five other kids, I’ll get it for free? I’ll love the way it makes me feel? You’re gonna murder my family if I don’t?

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, TNA wrestlers came out of the Lockdown PPV and the latest TV tapings with a rash of injuries. As opposed to Karen Jarrett, who usually just comes out of TV tapings with a rash. At the iMPACT! tapings, Rob Van Dam knocked out Abyss’ two front teeth. Awesome, this talentless gore fuck is going to wear that hole in his mouth like a Foley-greenlighted badge of honor. All it does, though, is gett him closer to Balls Mahoney status where he belongs. -Eric

SG Poll: Which TNA personality is most likely to be busted next?

In light of Jeff Hardy’s next impending court date and Kurt Angle’s recent arrest for, um, sliding his car off a patch of ice and into a median and they didn’t smell no alcohol on my breath I’m an Olympic champion, we at Stunt Granny wonder what TNA personality is next in line for a legal beatdown, beeotch?! As always, leave comments!

Husky Harris has a new gimmick.

I am not taking credit for finding this but I am taking credit for posting it on our site. This gimmick would have been badass popular when Slipknot was hugely popular. Now, it seems very TNAish. I imagine Dixie diddling herself like mad explaining to Abyss why this is exactly what he needs to look like. -Jeremy

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