TNA to give away “on demand” service in exchange for Jeff Hardy drug binge

jeff hardy

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..." *punch punch Scorpion Death Drop* "Hey, wait a dang ol' minute!?!"

According to Prowrestling.net, TNA Wrestling is offering six months of free online on-demand service for customers frustrated after ordering the Sacrifice or Victory Road or Destination X or whatever the hell PPV that was this past weekend and being cheated out of a real main event (not because it only lasted 90 seconds but because it featured Sting vs. Jeff Hardy, as if that’s a main event). Here’s the note from their Web site:

“TNA Wrestling strives to give fans who purchase our pay-per-views as close to a full three-hour event as possible. This past Sunday’s “TNA Victory Road” fell short of that standard.  Your support of TNA is never taken for granted. To show you how we value that support, we would like to offer six months of free access to the TNAondemand.com library.”

One: I love how the No. 1 thing they can boast about their PPVs is the proximity to a three-hour show, not the quality of the booking or the action or anything. Two: What, really, is the value of an on-demand service where you can call up, at your leisure, discretion and convenience, matches where Abyss slices himself half to death and draws no money, Orlando Jordan gays it up to the nth degree and draws no heat, and Rob Terry plods his water-logged ass through the motions and draws no positive-testing blood samples? All for being cheated out of a PPV climax? Sign me up! -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of TNA iMPACT!

Mickie can play my banjo anytime.

Go to the post below this one and click on the Audio for this week. That was one reason I didn’t want to do this blog. Here’s my compromise. (Next day – Whoops, I hit Save Draft instead of Publish last night.)

I wasn’t going to do this but the Mickie James performance forced me onto my computer. I had read the spoilers that she didn’t play with her band and they used back ups. What a terrible decision. Wait for the next taping, it looked horrendous. You could tell the band was faking it. Awfulness. I understand you wanted to further the James against Tara storyline, but do anything else if her band isn’t there. It was so bush league.

Morgan gives the pep talk to referee. I think the WWE goes in the opposite direction by ignoring the refs too much. TNA uses them way too much.

Ric Flair is pissed at being held hostage earlier in the night (I don’t think I’m going to go back to review it. Deal with it bitches.) Doug Williams gets his time in the sun. I do like that TNA has paired down Immortal and Fortune. Williams is still weird as a face though. Nice little live promo before he goes to the ring.  Kazarian shortened his name, Williams made it longer. Not sure why I thought of that. Solid match so far between the two which doesn’t surprise me.  Kazarian is getting his chance on offense. Williams rolling chaos theory suplex is awesome. Kazarian is a bitch. Mickie is looking for Tara. I wish Mickie’s ward robe malfunction showed off more earlier in the show. They fought after Mickie’s performance.

Fortune attacks Williams and Morgan. Agents break it up. They run through the Final Resolution card. Devon interrupts the preview. I’m writing these sentences together because TNA changes too often so my writing is reflecting their scatter brained, flashy stuff (at least they think so) programming they provide. How about they not have a feud? It’s going to happen but I’ll still complain. Devon is doing a solid promo. Bubba stirred up the pot. The crowd is actually choosing sides which is a surprise. See TNA, good guy versus bad guy works. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. Or making all of your characters “gray”.  Bubba, you’re both Marty Jannetty. Bubba the cowardly heel bails.

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Eric’s blog: Scum. Absolute scum. (Roster page and sign spelling update @ 3:50 p.m. central time)

jeff hardy abyss jeff jarrett
(L to R) A druggie, a masochist and a delusional hick. Start printing the money.

(UPDATE: I just looked at the TNA roster page — and you can guess why — and the world champion still says “TBD” as of 3:50 p.m. central time Monday. You’re telling me the fucking Web master couldn’t update the fucking page during the FUCKING PPV?? Jesus tap dancing merciless christ… Also, good call on Jeremy: Whatever idiot made this sign [*cough*Russo’sKid*cough*] used the wrong “they’re”…)

 

Look hard, I promise it says 3:50 p.m.

 

(My thanks to Dusty for finding this picture, and my apologies to Jeremy for also writing what almost amounts to a blog about TNA Bound For Glory.) So what we have here are the leaders of TNA (and we know this because one of them has the TNA World Title), Jeff Hardy (a WWE guy), Abyss (a loser, a dirtball and total bush-league hack who would get booed out of IWA-MS), and Jeff Jarrett (a simpleton who couldn’t draw a dime with a fucking dime-shaped stencil). They are feuding with “Slow and Steady” Sting, D’Angelo “Better Than This” Dinero, Samoa “Don’t Call Me the New Sting” Joe, and “Twittering” Kevin Nash WHOOPS KEVIN NASH IS LEAVING.

I wonder if they’ll get into an altercation with Fortune, featuring some of the once-brightest acts in professional wrestling — AJ Styles (no longer a dork, that’s Eric Young), Matt Morgan (from that Fox show that might get canceled), Douglas Williams (who lost to Jay Lethal at Bound For Glory as a backdrop to Dusty’s favorite angle, the Shore) Kazarian (the modern-day Paul Roma; you can put a suit on a jobber, but he’ll still be a jobber) and poor, poor Beer Money, all led by “I Don’t Wrestle Clerks from Walmart… At Least Not Current Ones” Ric Flair.

But who would want to wrestle those chumps after they lost to EV2, a bald/balding/bleeding/barf-inducing group of aging, degenerating former hardcore wrestlers (being shown up each week by Abyss, who doesn’t even do anything that hardcore, hence the aforementioned IWA-MS boo-fest), led by Mick Foley (the original Abyss in almost every category of consideration, other than Wade Keller fawning on him) and consisting of Tommy “Do We Have Any Spare T-Shirts?” Dreamer, Sabu, Chubby Raven, Stevie “Can’t Pay the Bills With Potential” Richards and “Not Even Good Enough to Team With Jesse Neal” Rhino. And I guess Rob Van Dam, for whom people still chant, because he’s awesome.

These are the men fighting for control of TNA, all with Hulk Hogan On Crutches leading the way and Eric “Is It Sturgis Time Yet” Bischoff pulling the strings, except he’s really not. Is it sad that the best news to come out of Bound For Glory is that Generation Me got new outfits? -Eric

Random Questions After Bound For Glory

 

Matt, the cake goes here but you knew that already.

 

So I actually watched “Bound For Glory” last night and have a few questions that maybe, just maybe, some of you loyal readers or listeners can answer.

Why is Gen Me challenging for anything other battling out of a paper bag?
Do the Motor City Machine Guns get a bonus for continually being the curtain-jerkers?
What does it take for the “next Hardy Bros” to make themselves seem legit?
This is the best they could do with Mickey James?
Does Tara in a full body suit still give you funny feelings?
What happened to the Knockouts and is Dutch Mantell still available to book them?
Who was the worst wrestler in the Ink Inc/Orlando Jordan and Eric young match? Trick question they all suck.
Why is it only unattractive people cover their bodies in tattoos?
Is it wrong to root for Hepatitis C during a tag-team match?
Jay Lethal and Doug Williams…..why?
If Becky Bayless was any hotter I would move to Florida or New York or New Jersey or wherever she goes. Is that stalking or true love?
Is The Shore just another gimmick for TNA to showcase their lack of hipness?
I guess the t-shirt fad is catching on in TNA?
Do they have a stash of extra-extra large t-shirts on stand by?
If you fall in face first in to barb wire and do not get sliced up immediately is it real barb wire?
If it isn’t barb wire then why show close ups of it?
If you can see a turn coming during entrances shouldn’t the match just be skipped?
If part of your in ring gear is a T-shirt and your name is not Tommy Dreamer, isn’t it time to call it quits?
Especially if you lazily walk around the ring and show little to no fire while everyone else does the work?
Which of these is not like the other?
Why bother booking Samoa Joe at all if you constantly squash the guy?
Shouldn’t the audience just be pissed off at Sting for not coming out and saying what was up?
If a worker is the guy who makes money does The Brooklyn Brawlers name enter the argument for greatest worker of all time?
Can The Pope please get back to brushing off scandal and renouncing his Nazi affiliations already please? Huh? Wrong Pope? Oh, um, well, nevermind
Why is it supposed to impress people if you have held a title 24 times?
How does TNA write themselves out of two bad retirement angles?
Why is Dixie Carter sitting front row when that seat could be used to ….wait for it…..make money?
If black is slimming why doesn’t it work on anyone n TNA?
Why is Tommy Dreamer wearing MMA gloves?
What happened to that big dude? You know the guy that used to be Matt Morgan, future break out star.
Is it really a cage match if you can open the door and leave it?
Why weren’t Flair and Foley involved in the actual Lethal Lockdown match?
Did you ever think you would see Brian Kendrick meditate on top of a cage during a cage match?
Is Fortune the worst heel stable in the history of wrestling?
Why is Jeff Hardy a heel now?
Why, if a group of babyfaces join together does that make them a heel faction?
Why would a group of babyfaces let a lump of shit heel like Abyss joing their cool guy group?
When did it become acceptable to stand in the ring kicking a referee while he is counting a pin?
Does Kurt angle still have to retire?
Do they have a plan for him to get out of it?
Does it entail him defending TNA’s honor?
Does anyone give a shit?
Is it true there are no fresh ideas in wrestling now? (This isn’t at TNA directly but damn did you see the end of the show?)

Feel free and add your own. The possibilities are endless. -Jeremy

Eric’s Blog: Uh oh, I think I liked last night’s Impact…

hulk hogan shocked

"You gotta be kidding me, brother!"

Five words I never thought I’d say: Can I smell yo’ dick?

Five more words I never thought I’d say: I liked Impact this week.

That’s right, the same iMPACT! I’ve clowned on basically since its inception, the same TNA whose dirtball antics and white-trash roster have been the butt of jokes across the Internet for years, the same company owned by a ditzy money mark who would rather Tweet about “nice surprises” than research ways to better her business and actually collect decent returns on her investment, the same company that… pushes Abyss. *shudder*

Honestly, the constant revolving of the show around this tired Abyss character — made worse by the involvement of decrepit Hulk Hogan — was the only remarkably bad part of Impact last night, and anything else I’d point out negatively is either nitpicking or something showing signs of improvement. I’ll get those out of the way now: Abyss is a big, pouting retard who shouldn’t be allowed to use a hammer and who should be suspended for his actions, whether or not the Hogan character treats him as his pet project; Jesse Neal is not marketable, and Bubba Ray Dudley is an overbearing, overweight ass who is only helping book this angle to keep himself on TV; Rob Van Dam is a former ECW wrestler, which should immediately disqualify him from being a rules enforcer, a choice seemingly made on a whim by Exasperated Eric Bischoff; and Chelsea means about as much to TNA as tits on a boar, and her abused-girlfriend angle smacks so much of Russo that I might start calling her Ryan Shamrocksabletorimarlenasocalval.

Now, onto the surprising number of positives.

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TNA Sacrifice PPV Review

Fuck You Bill Gates or whoever created Windows and Audacity.

OK, so Kevin and I recorded an audio since we are both in the same building together. So we , meaning I, bought the PPV and watched the entire thing and had strong opinions. So we drank a bunch and recorded. You know, like men do. Right near the end Audacity, the recording program., takes a stinky crap and we lose everything. It was a good show too. It was full of farts and other types of jokes. It was funny and honest. I guess this is what happens when you combine the both. So, in review, we gave the PPV a slight thumbs down but it wasn’t a suicidal sort of thing. Oh, furthering the review, fuck Audactiy and fuck Windows XP. So, before we leave you we will leave you with a summary for each match we can remember. -Jeremy

Team 3D vs. The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Beer Money Inc.

Kevin- Without 3D this match is better than it was. Too bad the Band will shit on MCMG.

Jeremy- Team 3D ruined a perfectly good match. I haste them, not personally but in a ” I never want them on a television show I watch again” way.

ROB TERRY vs. ORLANDO JORDAN

Kevin- This match was all that is wrong about TNA. Bad character development and bad in ring wrestling.
Jeremy- Orlando’s Cirq De Soli entrance was gay. Hey that fits. Oh this match sucked.
KAZ vs. DOUGLAS WILLIAMS
Kevin- Decent match but they should have made Kaz interim champ much like Shane Carwin is interim champ for the UFC Heavyweight Champion. I’m glad Douglas Williams won even if I’m not sold on him or his rant against high flyers.
Jeremy- Doug Williams is boring. I don’t get his appeal.
MADISON RAYNE vs. TARA
Kevin- Madison works out at the same gym as I do. She’s pretty hot in person. I hope she gets more in ring work because she has potential.
Jeremy- Kevin has seen Madison Rayne in the flesh or so he says. Yup, and Masa Chono junior is a cunt for interupting Tara’s goodbye.
SCOTT HALL & KEVIN NASH vs. INK INC.
Kevin- Scott Hall may have eaten Syxx-Pac. He may have shared a leg with Kevin Nash. I love grey chest hair.
Jeremy- Why is Jesse Neal on a PPV instead of Samoa Joe?
ABYSS vs. DESMOND WOLFE
Kevin- Abyss with Chelsea is not as funny as George the Animal Steele with Elizabeth. TNA sucks. Still. I’m sure you’re all surprised.
Jeremy- Desomnd Wolfe could be in WWE. He could be on Smackdown right now in the mid card pushing the bottom of the uppee tier. Instead he jobs to a retard. Good choice moron.
MR. ANDERSON vs. JEFF HARDY
Kevin- Anderson’s assholes is said and chanted yet Taz needs to stop before saying up “Shit” creek without a paddle. Decide what audience you want and stick to your plans.
Jeremy- Good match with a really weird crowd. How can Jeff Hardy not be roundly cheered by everyone. Oh, he’s in TNA.
STING vs. JEFF JARRETT
Kevin- Sting sucks. Jeff Jarrett sucks. At least Jarrett is in good enough shape to take off his shirt and ring jacket. Maybe that’s why he took in the stripper and her kids and not Sting who is jealous.
Jeremy- Why do you start a match after one guy beats the other guy down? It makes no snese and Slick Johnson should should be incinerated immediatly.
ROB VAN DAM vs. A.J. STYLES
Kevin- RVD had an awesome promo before the match. TNA is actually letting him be the old RVD from ECW. Solid match that had way too much Jay Lethal. Woo! Another bad gimmick. Woo! RVD wins because Mike Tenay was smart enough to want to see the in ring action. Thanks for finally being a professional announcer and not reading off a note pad in front of you while the camera has a shot of it. You’re less professional than us. Fuck you Mike Tenay.
Jeremy- Good match and should have been longer. I have nothing bad to say about it other than the ridiculous amount of times RVD played to the crowd was tiresome.

Stunt Granny Audio #96

dad 

Eric and Kevin post up to discuss a little teensy bit of TNA (no, that wasn’t an AJ Styles height joke), including Eric’s dad’s opinions of the monster Abyss, and the viewership’s opinion of keeping iMPACT! tuned onto their TVs. The boys switch gears to the WWE, first dissecting Triple H’s leave of absence at the hands of Sheamus, then analyzing the draft in further detail than they’d even been able to do in writing! Amazed yet? Well, wait until you listen to the show! (50 minutes)

Stunt Granny Audio #96

Christopher Daniels Released By TNA

What's old is new again.

So it’s confirmed now, The Wrestling Observer has the word that Christopher Daniels was released form TNA some time last week. If you don’t want to click on the link that’s fine here is the quote:

–Christopher Daniels was released mid-week by TNA, which explains his appearing on the ROH Big Bang show last night, and he’ll be back as an ROH regular.

This news gets a slight shoulder shrug as Daniels hasn’t been relevant in years. Yes he just main-evented a TNA PPV but so did Abyss. Basically,  that doesn’t make you relevant. Now it appears he is off for ROH and other independent bookings. You may be able to see him on the next season of WWE NXT. He can play the wily old veteran looking for his shot at national exposure finally.

Eric has a good idea I was planning on stealing but figure I’ll give him his just do.

“If kids had money these days, he could open a wrestling school “Here is how to execute a dropkick. Here is how to execute an elbow drop. Here is how to cut a promotional interview: End it with your worthless ‘Say your prayers’ catch phrase, even if it sounds amateurishly forced. Stupid Chris Daniels, thinks he’s so big”

So there you go. Shoulder shrugs abound! -Jeremy

Stunt Granny Audio #87

girl scouts

.... You know, this one's too easy; I'll let you write your own captions.

Eric and Kevin return to discuss the happenings on WWE Monday Night Raw leading up to WrestleMania 26, but somehow manage to find a fork in that Road to WrestleMania off-course enough to make fun of TNA and its awful iMPACT! show that finally went head-to-head with (and was crushed by) Raw. How did putting Abyss, AJ Styles and two fossilized sloths fare against Undertaker and Shawn Michaels? What about the RVD-Sting feud starting the same night as the new Mr. Monday Night, Evan Bourne, qualifying for Money in the Bank? Overall, how was Raw as a pre-WrestleMania show when Randy Orton and Triple H are shoved so strangely down the card? Get answers to these questions and more (like what kind of Girl Scout cookies the guys like) by clicking and listening! (60 minutes)

Stunt Granny Audio #87

Cactus Poking His Wife

These Cactus Wrens are getting ready to mate.

Mick Foley was on Opie & Anthony yesterday and told some good stories, but nothing worth reporting. Today on the show, Gregg “Opie” Hughes mentioned something worthy of doing so. Off air yesterday, Foley said that him and his wife had a sex tape. Even though Foley is not willing to bring in the video evidence, he is proposing bringing in the audio portion for airing on O&A on Friday. It’ll be interesting to find out if Foley has a barbed wire bat of his own. Let’s just hope that Foley didn’t look up at the mirror above his bed to see a creepy Abyss staring and clapping like a fucktard at him and his wife ready for the hot tag. – Kevin

Thanks to Opie & Anthony for reporting the news on Sirius 197 and XM 202 6 AM-11AM Weekdays. Make sure to look below for Eric & I reviewing part of Raw too.

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