Matt Hardy arrested yet again on yet another DWI charge

"And now I'll go drive one of those cars back there into a tree!"

(NOTE: Don’t let this post bury the Stunt Granny Audio below! Check it out!)

According to Prowrestling.net, Matt Hardy was yet again arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. Oh, gee willikers, I sure do hope this is the wake-up call Hardy needs to get his life back in order oh wait who gives a flying fuck about his life. If he doesn’t care enough to keep himself in working order, neither do I. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Man, these guys are hard on Hardy for what he does in his personal life,” keep in mind how much of his personal life he’s posted on the Internet. If you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, this latest charge isn’t even something he Tweeted or YouTubed about,” remember that a violation of the law is in the public record, and if he wasn’t such a god-awful fuck-up as an alleged human being, his name wouldn’t be in the books to begin with. Sure, we all make mistakes. Well, once or twice is a mistake. At the rate Matt Hardy is going, he ought to just say hello to David Carradine for us. -Eric

UPDATE: Oh, that explains it, he was framed. (This, according to Prowrestling.net.) Yep, I’ve heard of this. I watch a lot of “Today” in the morning. What happened was, see, Matt was sitting at home, minding his business and messing with the many distracting settings on his Flip camera when, out of the blue, Jealous Internet Reporter Jones came into his house, slipped a roofie into his extra-large Oreo Blizzard, waited for Matt to go for a joyride in his “I’ve made two lifetimes’ income” Chevy Caprice Classic and then alerted the cops that an intoxicated Hardy was behind the wheel. Matt passed every sobriety test, and the cop, obviously a costumed writer for some Web site called Crashy Grandparent, placed handcuffs on Matt and escorted him to a real jail cell. Matt did absolutely nothing wrong to obtain his latest charge of driving (something you have to actively do) while intoxicated (something most people with a history of intoxication also actively choose to do). I’m sure we haven’t heard the last of this frame job, so stay tuned to Twitter, as if you weren’t already glued there.

Former TNA star Scott Hall sentenced to jail

scott hall jake roberts

"At a total combined weight of 750 milliliters, the team of Borrowed Time!"

According to Prowrestling.net, former WWE star Scott Hall was sentenced to 10 days in jail stemming from a May 2010 arrest for drunken driving. The sentence was reduced to two days thanks to previous time served, none of which Hall actually remembers, so good for him.

For starters, you’ll notice our headline attributes Scott Hall’s stardom to TNA. That’s because TNA is white trash, much like Scott Hall. Also, you’ll notice we haven’t linked back to the original story from May 2010 of Scott Hall being arrested. That’s because we absolutely don’t remember that happening. Not because it’s not newsworthy, but because this guy gets himself in so much trouble, he makes blurs look clear. It’s like if someone punched you in the nuts 10,000 times and then asked, “Hey, remember that time I punched you in the nuts?” -Eric

%d bloggers like this: