The #WWE Celebrates the World Cup

The WWE decided to celebrate the beginning of the World Cup today by having some of their Superstars and Divas give a Knute Rockne-esque speech for their home country. You can here what they say in the video but through a special futbol translator, I know what they really said.

Dolph Ziggler – Even the US’s head coach Jurgen Klinsmann doesn’t think the US stands a chance in this “Group of Death” with Germany, Portugal and Ghana. That’s because he played for Germany and is still pissed at Spain for beating them in the quarter finals in 2010. Klinsmann threw our chances as soon as he decided not to include Landon Donovan. That’s why you can only trust manager’s from the USA! USA! USA!

Emma – We’re so great at football that we have our own version called Australian Football. The US isn’t the only country that gets these sports mixed up!

Alberto Del Rio – Mexico is so terrible that the last three World Cup qualifications we’ve played at Crew Stadium in Columbus OH that we’ve lost 2-0 to the USA. That makes it completely logical to think that we can beat Brazil in Brazil without any problems. We’ll just get our cartel to drop some dead bodies in their slums and that’ll scare them enough to throw the match. Hold on, their slums are worse than ours? We’re so screwed.

William Regal – England’s career in the World Cup is the same in mine in wrestling. A small, vocal amount of fans consider me/them great while the rest of the world craps on me/them. At least we have a chance of moving on from Group D since Costa Rica and Uruguay suck. England will then lose in spectacular fashion in the Knock Out Rounds. I’m depressed already.

Kofi Kingston – I’m creating an angle for myself because I can barely stay on TV. I can’t wait to be run down by Zeb Colter and then lose to the re-re-re-repackaged Jack Swagger. Come on Ghana, get me some air time!

Santino Marella – Since I was born in Canada, I got to celebrate a Gold Medal in Olympic Ice Hockey earlier this year. Since I’m Italian on TV, I get to root for soccer power house Italy. I can’t wait until William Regal has to wear an Italy jersey on NXT next week after Italy beats England on Saturday. Mayors aren’t the only one who can make these stupid bets.

Paige – Joe Hart is so hunky.

Cesaro – I can’t wait to say Switzerland lost in five different languages. – Kevin

Stunt Granny Audio: OHPA 5

Ken and Kevin are back for another week of weird scientific discovery. Ken forwarded Kevin an article and video (above) about octopuses. Of course, he has a hard time remembering whether the articles were about squids or octopus. What factoids about octopus did they not know? Where are their brains located? How does the original Iron Chef factor into this equation? How much extra research did Ken not pass along to Kevin? How long do octopi live? What happens when they have sex? Speaking on both of those matters, how crazy is the life of an antechinus? How do you have a column named Absurd Creature of the Week? How long can one keep that up? How focused are the males on sex? How long could your hosts keep up this pace? What happens to these males as they are having sex? What about the females? How many children do they birth? How many of them can they feed?  Even though both of these creatures are weird, how strange are the Japanese and their game shows? Why would three Olympic fencers take on 50 amateurs? What crazy game shows did Ken’s friend bring back to the States (gasp on video cassette) after he taught in Japan? Why would anyone ever sign up for this game? Back to the fencers though, who wins? Will the guys spoil the finale and not provide the video evidence? Follow this link for the video. Welcome to the wild world of OHPA when you click on the link below.

 

Headlines: Beth Phoenix written off TV, Colt and Pearce besmirch NWA, DDP moves in with Jake Roberts

In news that has been brewing for months, according to Prowrestling.net (and according to watching WWE Monday Night Raw last night), Beth Phoenix has been written off TV, via an angle where she was fired by Whatever Type of General Manager Vickie Guerrero. Phoenix asked for and was granted her release a while back, so there really isn’t much to say other than good luck keeping Jeremy Maes away from you while you read your zombie comic books.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Colt Cabana threw down his NWA “World” Title belt after beating Adam Pearce in the seventh of their best-of-seven series in a match in Australia. Since the NWA belt has been thrown down more times than Lilian Garcia, the real news here is that Colt Cabana and Adam Pearce were paid to travel to and wrestle in Australia. Not that they aren’t worth it, because they are (two of my top 10 draft pics, easily), but it shows how upside down these Aussies are, dropping that kind of coin on transportation and payoffs. Oy, was Rick Tick Tillah and Moykey McGongileydoo bof already booooked that noight? Nine hundred dollaridoos?? Ah, screw it, I’ll just have a cup of coffee…

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Diamond Dallas Page and Jake “The Snake” Roberts are working on a documentary where DDP helps Jake get in shape for one last run, employing DDP Yoga over an 8-week period. To ensure success, DDP has moved in with Jake, and Jake has agreed to regular drug testing throughout the filming. The filming will end when Jake’s landlord gets tired of seeing his coked-out ex-wrestler tenant being accompanied by a scummy 50-year-old man in a leather vest and tight Guess jeans and boots them both out. (Other punchlines include: “This video will resemble less a documentary on health and more a low-budget docudrama about the Village People,” and “These two guys could leave a ring around the Atlantic Ocean, so I hope Jake’s landlord has a Rug Hospital, not just the Doctor.” Eh, none of these were any good. I need to keep my day job. Oh, and click on this link for TWNP.com, which I assume stands for Talking to Women is Not a Problem for us, to see how well Jake’s workout regimen is going.) -Eric

Vince wanted Kane to have a three foot penis

There’s a monster in my pants and it does a naughty dance, when it sees the light of day it makes all the people say…

From former writer and current idiot Dan Madigan:

“I get a call from Gregory Dark, the director. He says, “We’ve got a little problem here.” This call is from Australia. I said, “What’s the problem?” He goes, “Vince has a suggestion about the movie.” I said, “Well, it’s his movie.” He goes, “Vince wants this scene in the movie where Kane’s character pulls out his penis, and he wants it to be three feet long.” I thought there was a connection problem, I said “Greg, can you just back up and repeat that last line for me?” He goes, “Yes, Vince wants Kane’s penis to be three feet long, and none of the producers are saying anything about it.” So I sat there, I go, “Oh, this is not good. This is not good. This is really not good.” In the right movie, that’s genius, that’s absolutely brilliant, but not for this movie.”

You know what? And I’m being 100 percent serious here. If your boss wants something, you fucking give it to them. The correct response to that request sure as fuck wasn’t, “Oh golly gosh, this is not good!” The correct response was, “Hey Vince, why not make it four!” Because Vince is a weird guy and you have to know that going in, and it sure as shit didn’t stop you from taking the job in the first place, so if you want to be employed by him so bad, then you do what the fuck he says Dan Madigan. You make his penis three feet long if that’s what he wants. The guy is a billionaire. He has earned the right to be completely insane and you haven’t. So shut the fuck up. – Dusty

Mr. Nanny Returns

Hogan is going to need a team to properly clean out TNA's writing staff.

In this story from Prowrestling.net, Hulk Hogan is quoted as saying:

“In TNA, I’m going to listen to those fans and give them what they want. I’m not going to keep shoving a bunch of terrible, horrible, stale programming down their throats. I’m going to take the writers and tell them, ‘Go get another job. Sit in the back. If I need you to write a jingle for a commercial, maybe we’ll use you for that.’ “

What a novel concept, listening to the fans! Gawd forbid a wrestling promoter did that. There could be an upside to Hogan cleaning house but the downside is that it’s Hulk Hogan who will be putting his cronies in place who have their own list of terrible, horrible, stale programming that they’ll shove down our throats.

I do think this statement is made weak by the fact that Hulk was a giant sissy and made the announcement in Perth, Australia. You had plenty of air time to blast them while you were in the States promoting your book including your time on Bubba The Love Sponge show. It makes one wonder how much power he will really have in TNA. Considering that Dixie Carter will get on her knees because of a Twitter campaign, I’m sure Hulk will have her ready to give her a piledriver while her husband watches like the cuckhold he is. – Kevin

The Australian Media Is Retarded

What do you want from me? I have to make fun of these people.

Evidently in Australia, they haven’t realized that wrestling is fake. I hope I didn’t dash anyone’s dreams with that statement. If I did, please visit a site that gives a shit. According to this story (by way of Prowrestling.net) from the Herald Sun, they reported about an attack on Hulk Hogan by Ric Flair at a press conference in Sydney. This line got me rolling:

“This reporter narrowly missed being struck with the table and photographers ducked and weaved as Ric Flair took off his trouser belt and began to whip anyone within range.”

This sentence, along with the article itself, never actually says that Flair hit Hogan with the belt.  Golly, I sure am glad the reporter missed being struck by that table. I’m also glad the reporter used my grandmother’s lingo and called Flair’s pants “trousers”. Hulk Hogan was helped to his feet to help keep this gag going. One positive is that Hogan does know his fans and they’ll eat this stuff up and want to see him get revenge on the tour through out Australia.

The fact that this incident is being covered in a major newspaper just shows you the sad state of media, even outside of this fine country. It’s also more proof that dumb people are out there but somehow, no one knows them. -Kevin

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