Headlines: Beth Phoenix written off TV, Colt and Pearce besmirch NWA, DDP moves in with Jake Roberts

In news that has been brewing for months, according to Prowrestling.net (and according to watching WWE Monday Night Raw last night), Beth Phoenix has been written off TV, via an angle where she was fired by Whatever Type of General Manager Vickie Guerrero. Phoenix asked for and was granted her release a while back, so there really isn’t much to say other than good luck keeping Jeremy Maes away from you while you read your zombie comic books.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Colt Cabana threw down his NWA “World” Title belt after beating Adam Pearce in the seventh of their best-of-seven series in a match in Australia. Since the NWA belt has been thrown down more times than Lilian Garcia, the real news here is that Colt Cabana and Adam Pearce were paid to travel to and wrestle in Australia. Not that they aren’t worth it, because they are (two of my top 10 draft pics, easily), but it shows how upside down these Aussies are, dropping that kind of coin on transportation and payoffs. Oy, was Rick Tick Tillah and Moykey McGongileydoo bof already booooked that noight? Nine hundred dollaridoos?? Ah, screw it, I’ll just have a cup of coffee…

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Diamond Dallas Page and Jake “The Snake” Roberts are working on a documentary where DDP helps Jake get in shape for one last run, employing DDP Yoga over an 8-week period. To ensure success, DDP has moved in with Jake, and Jake has agreed to regular drug testing throughout the filming. The filming will end when Jake’s landlord gets tired of seeing his coked-out ex-wrestler tenant being accompanied by a scummy 50-year-old man in a leather vest and tight Guess jeans and boots them both out. (Other punchlines include: “This video will resemble less a documentary on health and more a low-budget docudrama about the Village People,” and “These two guys could leave a ring around the Atlantic Ocean, so I hope Jake’s landlord has a Rug Hospital, not just the Doctor.” Eh, none of these were any good. I need to keep my day job. Oh, and click on this link for TWNP.com, which I assume stands for Talking to Women is Not a Problem for us, to see how well Jake’s workout regimen is going.) -Eric

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I was going to do an introduction but it’ll have to wait because CM Punk is already in the middle of a ridiculous promo to open the show. I know that heels are supposed to play up a dirty finish but this is so ludicrous. Punk claims he didn’t collaborate with the referee. Punk starts to make his case for how bad Brad Maddox is as a referee. That’s a little firmer footing. It still doesn’t make the whole act stupid. I mean, can people be that delusional? The sad answer is probably yes. Mick Foley hits the ring for a surprise appearance. I wonder if it has to do with Punk calling Vickie the GM of Raw. Punk talking about Foley’s garbage wrestling very well. Already hyping Survivor Series, Team Foley vs Team Punk. Ryback gets a chance to talk. Punk is hiding already so no mic time for Ryback.

JTG is the sacrificial lamb to Ryback. JTG is smaller but closer in size than I expected. I read some of Dusty’s article below during the match. Ryback has mic time with Josh Matthews. Feed Me Punk. The WWE loves the chant these days. They have showed an awful lot of a pay per view I purchased. Both championship match material too.

Randy Orton gets another match against Wade Barrett. I still haven’t read all of Dusty’s article but I don’t think Del Rio has any upside. They’ve given that dude far too much time already near the top of the heap and he’s done nothing with it. What fun would it be if we all agree, right? Nice to see JR & Cool pointing out Barrett watched HIAC since we know it’s taboo to watch the product. Orton in control at the break. Strangely enough, after the break Barrett is in control. I agree with Dusty about Orton’s staleness but think the crowd’s reaction to him tonight is the reason he’s sticking around. Orton with an RKO win over Barrett. Not a fan but expected it. Ideally Barrett would beat Orton at a PPV anyway to put a real stamp of approval on him. AJ Lee is in Vickie‘s office. She taunts her over giving her job back. Vickie asks for AJ’s biggest weakness. Vickie taunts with the crazy word.

I don’t regret FF thru Kane & Daniel Bryan‘s ring entrances. The Prime Time Players are their opponents. Um, they lost last night. They shouldn’t be awarded with a match with the champs. I’m loving PTP’s trunks. Bryan takes the pain for his team again. Kane gives Young a chokeslam. Bryan tags himself in and submits Young.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I had to lead off with one of the more ridiculous things my room mate has ever said to my girlfriend. Really, he has a whole lot of those but this one happened on Saturday. We were getting ready to go see Jim Norton over at the Funny Bone so I was making some pasta and tomato sauce. If anyone has read this column before, you know it’s a regular practice. As the sauce was cooking, I went up to take a shower leaving her down here to keep things in order. Roomie shows up plowed out of his mind (thanks to his brother in law. The one attached to the baby momma and the only reason he’s living in my basement. We’ll get to that insanity some other time.) and tells my girl that he taught me everything I knew about wine. Evidently he invited me over to his place to take informal classes and was taught how to pick my wines. He then decided to give the tomato sauce a little stir and told her “It wasn’t thick enough.” I was told this while we drove to the Funny Bone and I had quite a hearty laugh. I didn’t ever go over to his place for wine classes. I got most of my wine knowledge when I lived near Tuscan vineyards. We actually had a class on it while I was studying in Florence. As for his critique of my tomato sauce, he was correct but that’s only because it hadn’t cooked the proper length of time yet. What a dolt. Let’s roll.

Two referees in two weeks. What the hell is going on in Vince’s world? Is he that stuck on the NFL’s terrible referees? After a brow beating by CM Punk, Paul Heyman does it too. Vince is stuck on the NFL. Their ratings aren’t in the toilet. My girl doesn’t think the short shorts are GM leg wear. I beg to differ. AJ Lee sends him the ref to the back. I am pretty tired of the employees running things in wrestling. Punk re-shows the video of AJ proposing to him. Punk is being a real creep. That’s a good thing. Paul, you’re not going to trump any of those power couples. Just knock it off. Does the board not watch when sexual harassment is going on?

We get more referee TV time. The WWE keeps forgetting how many wrestlers they have on the roster. AJ promises to fire him while looking out into space. I like her acting but still don’t care for the story line of “Let’s fire every GM every show.” We have a Twitter fight turned into a wrestling match. Dolph Ziggler is taking on Kofi Kingston who is apparently still in a tag team since R Truth comes to the ring with him. Can’t someone take this loss to Ziggler that isn’t in a big tag team? From the tweets, it looks as made up as any bad WWE story. All story, little match before the break.

I want to break my lap top when Criss Angel weighs in on Lil’ Jimmy. Kofi is not helping out the quality of the match. Ziggler seems to be a little out of place on some of these moves too. Kofi is one of the few guys who could get the rise out of the crowd that he did since it’s believable he could win. Zig Zag for the win after a couple of near falls. Jim Ross & Mitchell Cool tell us about John Cena‘s injury. He’s going to give us a live update.

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Beth Phoenix is leaving WWE

Strong, sexy, confident. Totally not marketable

Well, certainly didn’t see this coming. Beth Phoenix has given notice she is leaving the company, according to Prowrestling.net.  Since her contract details were never brought up before it is safe to say this is a tad bit of a surprise. She clearly will end up in TNA and that isn’t necessarily a good thing but a paycheck is a paycheck.

Boy, WWE really doesn’t give a fuck about the women’s division. Yeah this will come across like your typical internet bitch session but facts are facts. Michael Cole called Layla one of the most important divas champions ever. The let Kharma go supposedly because they had nothing for her. They gave the Bella’s the boot and, well, ok two out of three.

Really though with their use of Eve Torres, Beth became expendable. You can’t have two strong women characters on the roster. What would that show if all of the women weren’t rail thin screaming bitches? Other than interesting of course. -Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

After reading the results for Ring of Honor’s iPPV, I was wondering if you could tell which of these two guys are tag team champions and which one is the ROH World Champion? I’m also wrapping up this past week’s edition of #WatchROH and they’re showing parts of the Eddie Kingston vs. Kevin Steen. Are they trying to say “Hey, if you don’t want to work out and are average at best in the ring, you too can get a shot at our title?” What a dreadful product. Even if they come here, I’m not spending money on those fools. I did spend money on the WWE this past week though. Luckily I have PSL tickets for the Columbus Bluejackets (Well if they have a season) so I got a nice little deal on the expensive seats. I’m happy to be giving these fools as little of my money as possible. Time for Raw. Let’s roll.

Paul Heyman comes out to explain the finish of last night’s main event between CM Punk and John Cena. The dog and pony show even includes Chad Patton, our ref. Gasp, the horror. They mentioned an official. You should never do that. they never mention the refs at NFL games, especially this year with replacement refs. Cena comes out to talk. Glad Cena can recycle an old shirt by slapping a new slogan and color on it. After Cena cuts a good promo, Alberto Del Rio comes out to suck the air out of the building. Now he’s the man that never lies. That isn’t going to help your character. AJ Lee makes a tag team main event with the participants from the main events last night.

Jerry Lawler gets to Tout along with having some home coming to Memphis footage later. JBL makes his big entrance to not much reaction. Jim Ross joins them too and gets a real reaction. Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara are in a tag team match again. Five seconds into their match against Epico & Primo with her hotness Rosa Mendes. I miss JR less than a minute after the break. Sin Cara nails the Swanton Bomb for the win. The WWE is doing their best to get Sin Cara into a place to foster his confidence. Darren Young & Titus O’Neil attack them from behind. O’Neil making a solid point but they need something more. We get the rematch no one wanted from Night of Champions with the tag titles back up for grabs.

Layla El is in the announce booth as Beth Phoenix waits to take on the new Diva’s Champion Eve Torres. Layla is finally smelling what Eve is cooking. Beth continues to be a jobber. JBL is off a little bit but making a nice “Go get ’em” speech.

Antonio Cesaro is down in the announce booth. I buzzed thru the Funkasaurus‘s entrance. The five different language thing is stupid. Heath Slater takes advantage of the Cesaro distraction but only gets two. Head butt then splash for the win. Cesaro didn’t make a good impression with his time as JR would say.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I’m hoping I can talk about my time at the US vs Jamaica tomorrow at Crew Stadium for a World Cup qualifying match. Other than that, I got no stories from the weekend. Let’s roll.

Nice of Bret Hart to soak up the adulation. They’ve got enough time to kill. Nice of CM Punk to interrupt him. Bret is doing his part which is the most you can expect out of him. The WWE is doing their best to corner Punk as a heel. Canada makes a nice place to do this but it’s still Bizarro World.

Kofi Kingston & R Truth are taking on the Intercontinental Champion and the US Champion. Who knows who that is without help? I probably would have. The Miz & Antonio Cesaro are the correct answers. Even Mitchell Cool said that Kofi & Truth are rolling into the break. I saw some people playing rugby over the weekend down on campus. They weren’t wearing the thigh wraps. Just sayin’. Jerry Lawler calls a leg lariat a drop kick. Thanks for phoning it in King. The Tag Titles are worth more than either of those titles. Kofi Trouble In Paradises Cesaro for the win. They go over the Sheamus/Ricardo Rodriguez storyline. This angle is more interesting than anything Del Rio has been involved in.

The WWE thinks it’s a real movie studio by giving us scene right out of Suits. Not really. Sheamus’s last name is Lipschitz. She loves the asshole joke. Wow. Sheamus is doing a solid job. This segment is absurd. Why hasn’t Sheamus brought up the fact that Ricardo put himself in harm’s way?

I FF thru the babyface Diva’s entrance. For some weird reason, Alicia Fox is a heel again. The WWE loves the Divas division. Kaitlyn, Eve Torres and Layla El are a team. Beth Phoenix & Natalya are Fox’s partners. Lawler pointing out how bad the division is by saying that Layla has been champ since April. Eve gets the cheap tag Roll of the Dice win. Cool tries to sell us on a match shorter than he is. Shorter than AJ even. Punk berates her. Why didn’t she book a Cena match? Wouldn’t that be a good hook? Brodus Clay says hi because the WWE wants you to vote for him.

CM Punk comes out first. Since Mitchell is so awesome, he gets to make the announcement. Ugh. Randy Orton is the opponent. It looks like Orton is wrestling a miniature version of himself now that Punk has the same hair cut. Commercial before anything can happen. Punk has Eric’s favorite hold, the abdominal stretch, on after the break. Orton nails another superplex. He LOVES that move now. Orton has been playing to the crowd a hair more in his return. Dolph Ziggler attacks when Orton goes for the RKO. The woman even knows the WWE camera tricks when they zoom in on Orton so as to not see the second Ziggler attack. Jerry Lawler makes the save. The segment is so important, they cut to commercial.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I had to make some dinner tonight. That isn’t a picture of what I made, but it’s close. I made some whole grain pasta with fennel, red onion and zucchini with pesto sauce. (Edit: Forgot that I added chicken sausage with spinach and asiago cheese.) It kept me from getting started anywhere close to on time. Starting at 9:45 is not a great plan, but it’s better than midnight. Let’s roll.

CM Punk takes on Big Show to start the show. How dare the WWE start without a talking segment? Daniel Bryan deserves a slot evidently in the WWE Title match. You had to know some type of angle was going to lead to a bad finish. Bryan ends up attacking Punk. I’m guessing we have our main event tonight. Nice little tag team match. Punk is pissed at John Cena for saving him. No big shock that AJ bounces her way down to the ring and makes the match. She should really stop skipping with the power woman suits on.

JTG is bitchin’ to Kaitlyn about not getting air time. Twitter complaints work for burying someone. They do have three hours which they should use more wisely than they do. Ryback is JTG’s opponent. I’m so tempted to FF. I did it for his entrance. Did I mention that JTG looks terrible in trunks? Why does it sound like Jerry Lawler is being broadcast to the entire arena. Ryback wins another squash. The crowd loves him. I’m pretty bored with him. Piper’s Pit gets put to a vote.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is not really talking to himself but to Shawn Michaels. Shawn gets an imaginary phone call from HHH.  Heath Slater is getting more mic time. R Truth comes out. Weird match. Even my girl is wondering why Truth is in a singles match since he’s in a tag team. She knows more than WWE writers at this point. Downward Spiral pretty much out of no where for an R Truth win. Um, okay. The Prime Time Players show up. Oh, Mitchell Cool mentioned that Kofi was out earlier. I’ve already tuned him out less than an hour into the show. PTP’s shirts would go better with their tights if they weren’t heather black. (Edit: Their act will be no different without AW.)

I’m showing my girl pictures of McKayla Maroney not being impressed as they review Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio. Booker called off the match for Del Rio. Del Rio has a corntract (Edit: Not a spelling mistake. Isn’t this guy supposed to be learned and above everyone? Shouldn’t he be able to say contract?) and Booker can’t take that away from him. Sin Cara comes out for this boring break.

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Sara Del Rey signs with WWE?

Please please please please.

We didn’t get to this yesterday due to the ever increasing workload bestowed upon me. By workload I mean there was a Hoarding: Buried Alive marathon on Sunday that I needed to catch up on.  The final episode was the first of this new season and it was a doozy. An Elvis impersonator hoarder; It was like a dream come true. Watching some fat, mentally challenged douche sing “Are You Lonesome Tonight” while stepping over piles of garbage and rotted food was a magical experience.

Anyway,  WWE has made a smart decision and signed Sara Del Ray to a developmental contract according to Prowrestling.net.

Sara is a woman the way they are supposed to be built. This clearly means she does not fit the WWE criteria at all but I will try and keep the faith here.  Her work in Shimmer, Ring of Honor and various other spots speaks for itself.  She has some built in opponents but as I told Kevin, she has no penis. It doesn’t matter.

That isn’t a slight on her talent but really. Who is the Divas champ? Layla?  The woman who they routinely book over my boo Beth Phoenix? It is hard to get excited about this signing. The women’s champion is an afterthought in WWE while AJ, yeah she is cute so what, gets all the attention. Makes sense huh?

This also means that the Entire Kings of Wrestling trio has been signed by WWE. Just sayin.  -Jeremy

Kevin’s Blog: A Day Late & A Dollar Short Review of @WWE #Smackdown

I swear my friends who stirred up the baby momma drama must have heard the audio even though I know they don’t like wrestling so they don’t even bother coming here. I have been drama free since the day of that show with Dusty. I may need to make Dusty my leprechaun. I’m ready for an easy night with my girlfriend out of town and my dogs passed out. There has been a lack of any news to mock so I’m going to try to fill in some web content. I didn’t read spoilers and didn’t read any reviews. Let’s roll.

AJ comes out to kick off the show. Before she can explain anything, Vickie Guerrero interrupts. Nice of her to give us the headlines. Dolph Ziggler proved he can steal a show. AJ with some good comebacks. CM Punk comes out. Seems like we have a mixed tag match if they want it. The facials between Punk & AJ has me cracking up. Punk did a good job. Daniel Bryan comes out. Bryan touts Punk as hero. I keep tuning out because I knew Sheamus was coming out. No one gets a good crack at a promo except the openers. He proposes to fight right now. AJ flips out trying to get to Vickie.

Bryan and Sheamus are in the ring when they come back from commercial. The helio into the ring isn’t a regular and then he follows it up with a delayed suplex. Punk knows how to vary his offense just enough. I know it’s not the first time he’s used the helio but still, not an every match happening. Nice double team effort between Ziggler & Bryan right before the next break. Good deal.

Punk is taking the beating, as he should be. Bryan misses a top rope head butt. Ziggler taking a beating from Sheamus. AJ provides the inadvertent distraction for Ziggler to get the cheap pin. AJ attacks Vickie. AJ gets kicked into the ring apron back first. Kane comes out and treats her like Katie Vick. Punk attacks Kane. Bryan attacks Punk. Kane choke slams both of them. Good stuff all around. AJ falls to her knees and starts laughing.

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Kevin’s Blog: Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

The fact that children looked shocked at the turn of the Big Show tells you how stupid they are. Everyone else saw that coming as soon as Big Show was fired and they neglected to remove his bio from WWE.com. After the review of the most obvious thing ever, John Cena comes out for the opening segment. Jeremy and I were talking about this earlier today and it somehow didn’t get turned into a lunch conversation. Anyway, the Board was ready to fire Johnny Wooden GM, but Cena told them to wait. Then Johnny fires Big Show for no reason other than spite, at best. Johnny then skirts the rules by having that same person help him out in the match. Remember, the Board instituted these rules. So why wouldn’t they fire Johnny on the spot? Because any sort of logic in the WWE is thrown out the window week in and week out. Cena is doing a good job of covering his ass by saying Big Show would have saved Johnny if he hadn’t toyed with him. Eve Torres shows up. Glasses help on most women. It’s not working for Eve. Johnny comes out and I chuckle. The woman thinks it’s retarded. He possibly has lots of injuries. John Cena finally looks pissed. Yes, you should be fired for striking your boss. Hold on, Big Show got rehired on Saturday so that means Big Show should be fired per the rules set up before the fucking match. Holy logic gap Batman. Of course we get the silent treatment from Show about why he did it. He yells to sound evil with more drivel that I’ve heard countless times before. He’s not delivering it well. It’s OK. David Otunga shows up with a cape that is even fancier and still just as stupid.

Why couldn’t this match have started during the break? Hell, I’d take a replay of the pin fall that happened during the break. That match lasted the commercial break. A bunch of jobbers attack John Cena. Sheamus comes out to save him but bumps Johnny. Nice flip by Hawkins when he gets tossed out of the ring. Johnny didn’t give them permission. Two of the whitest guys on the planet team up against three people in a lumber jack match. Johnny laughs like they should be intimidated.

It’s the little gay man with the snake on his arm is my girlfriend’s description of Santino. Awesome. Of course he makes fun of Ricardo‘s accent. Poor Ricardo takes a Cobra so that Santino can do the freshest thing ever to Alberto Del Rio‘s gimmick. So they use this time to throw it to Mitchell Cool & Jerry Lawler. They announce what will surely be the death of me, three hour Raws. I will not be starting those on time. They can kiss my hairy ass. I’ll start at 9 to condense this garbage down. I’m still laughing at Jer’s description of it.

Randy Orton is Del Rio’s opponent. So I guess the WWE really wanted Santino on the show and had nothing else for him. I suppose I should expect these matches to go no where before they hit commercial. Orton has been getting most of the offense as Cool contradicts me. Chris Jericho comes in and gives Orton a Code Breaker. Interesting. A bit surprised that Del Rio was used as a pawn for two segments on the show. Both of these guys are down on their luck in the WWE pecking order these days too. Jericho never struck me as a real threat to CM Punk. Orton hasn’t sniffed the title on Smackdown in quite a while.

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