Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

Kia And Cay at Melissas ParentsSeeing as though I’m taking my hound dog Kia into a specialist to have her heart murmur looked x-rayed on Wednesday, Peter King’s page about putting down his Golden Retriever Bailey really touched me. It also reminded me of Bill Simmons writing a eulogy for his dog the Dooze. The first time I read about having to put down a dog was Marley & Me. I’m starting to wonder if it’s become cliche to write about your dog when that time comes. I don’t want it to come but it’s coming. The heart murmur is not taking my mind away from that time. Enjoy your pets as long as you can. Time to review some wrestling. Let’s roll.

Video Package Count: 2 before we see live action. The usual tribute to the troops then a Big Show package. I didn’t read the spoilers so it’s all new to me. The Authority is away so the mice are going to play. Oh my! Randy Orton takes forever and a day to get to the ring as usual. Of course the way he starts his promo is “I’ll get right to it…” You don’t do anything quickly, Randy. He’s in charge of Raw tonight. Brad Maddox was more exciting in his twenty second promo. Corporate Kane says he’s in charge. Maddox tries to make a match but Kane suggests another opponent. Vickie Guerrero comes out to toss around her weight. So I’ve found something worse than HHH & Steph being on TV, bit players arguing power for three hours of TV. HHH & Steph run a tight ship. Wouldn’t best for business mean appointing someone boss so this doesn’t happen? For some reason, she has Orton take on Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Why is a heel screwing a heel?

Goldust and Orton are in the ring after the break. It’s got to fill you with confidence when the crowd chants “Randy’s Boring”. Not a flattering mock chant. He’s so boring, I didn’t need to type anything of significance before the next commercial. Goldust is taking a beating still. Cody Rhodes gets a hot tag. Orton gets himself counted out. Big Show arrives to attack Orton. Super choke slam off the top of the stairs thru the announce table. That’s got to smart.

Big Show goes out for a pint since Sheamus can’t. Los Matadores & El Torito get to bore me even more. Santino Marella is their team mate.  3MB comes out as the Union Jacks. The crowd is behind them. Mitchell Cool calls him Bulltino because he’s wearing horns. Yuck. Bull Cobra win. Double yuck. Randy Orton yells at Maddox then Vickie. Kane isn’t taking Orton’s shit. It’s official, my boy is the new Christian because he gets a crack at the IC Title.

Damien Sandow is waiting in the ring. Kofi Kingston is his opponent. Sandow showing a mean streak early. I don’t catch much of the match though because I’m talking over Wrestlemania plans. You’re Welcome for the win. I guess the Terminoose is no longer.

Dolph Ziggler comes down first. Curtis Axel comes down second as the champion. Axel gets the upper hand early. Ziggler turns things around with a drop kick. Ziggler’s spill to the outside looked rough. They talk over Axel’s psyche without Paul Heyman. Mitchell said “Billy Gunn” like he was going thru puberty. Super face plant only gets Ziggler a two count. Axel gives Ziggler one move for the win. Fuck Jack Swagger. Give credit to Ziggler for a great match, are you fucking kidding me? Kane has his new arguing partner in Brad Maddox. The Real Americans are taking on John Cena. The Shield is taking on CM Punk & Daniel Bryan. Sounds like we got our hour mark matches.

I didn’t ever realize how bitchy the Bellas entrance was. You can look but not touch? Aren’t you baby faces? Shouldn’t you change their entrance music? Nikki Bella is taking on Tamina. Brie & AJ Lee are at ring side for their respective partners. Tamina uses her strength to smack around Nikki. The later gets to have some quick strike offense. AJ cheats for Tamina. Superfly splash for the win. AJ took out Brie after that. Brie dropkicks AJ then Tamina. We get a stand off then. No one cares.

Video Package Count: 3. The Shield goes in to have an audience with Randy Orton. For some reason, the trainer is still working on him. The Shield doesn’t work for anyone that was supposed to be in charge tonight. So is this match going to involve Fandango or is Summer Rae in action again?

Video Package Count: 4. This time to preview Total Divas. Tyson and Nattie still don’t know how to be a couple. The review will be up sometime tomorrow. Tyson Kidd is Fandango’s opponent. Kidd looks sharp again. Fandango gets the cheap roll up win. The crowd is happy. I don’t really care because I’m over Fandango. I’d rather him get some in ring cred. A cheap win over a guy coming back from an injury isn’t the way to do it.

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Dusty’s Blog: Five Very Important Basketball Opinionz 4 U

That’s right. I’m going to be inundating you all with blogs and nonsense until Jeremy completely takes away my posting abilities. Fuck everything.

In any event, the recent NBA Draft has renewed my interest in basketball. So here are five very important 04u concerning the NBA as it stands right now with offseason fury just about to heat up.

1. Bill Simmons is an idiot. No no no. You know what? I’m going to save this one for a blog tomorrow. Hold that thought.

1. The Decision 2.0. This one isn’t as important as Lebron James’ Decision, since it will lead to a grand total of 0 NBA Championships, but damn if there isn’t a lot of hubbub and excitement and general pants wetting about where Dwight Howard is going to end up.

It looks like he has five main options. Go back to the Lakers, or go to the Rockets, Mavericks, Hawks 0r Warriors. Now, the way I see it, the Warriors have a zero percent chance of getting him. They have next to no cap room, so they would have to do a sign-and-trade to get him. Problem is, all of their bad players are the ones making the most money. They would have to trade a bunch of their smaller contract good players to make it work, at which point it wouldn’t work at all, because all that would be left is Howard and the nonsense guys. Surely they know this, and the whole Howard courtship thing is probably just a PR move to show their fans they’re trying stuff.

I also don’t think he will be going back to the Lakers. He and Kobe supposedly can’t stand each other, and in Mike D’Antoni’s system, he and Pau Gasol occupy the exact same space. It’s just a poor fit. The Lakers will be better without him, too. Mark my words. And I don’t think it will be the Hawks, because historically, no player of any repute ever wants to go to Atlanta.

So it’ll come down to the Rockets or the Mavericks. I’m going to guess he chooses the Mavericks. And I haven’t been wrong about anything ever since 1982, so there you go. I can’t stand the guy – he thinks he’s funny when he’s not, he blocks shots into the crowd, and he’s just generally got an annoying way about him. I largely see him as a career good-player-on-a-bad-team type. But he’s got really good defensive advanced metrics, so you kinda have to want him if you got the money to get him. A Catch 22.

2. The Draft. I know the pick was largely panned, and there’s footage floating around the internet of the Bobcats fans booing the pick during the draft party in Charlotte, but I’m going to go out on a branch and say Cody Zeller is not only my favorite rookie this coming season, he’s going to win the Rookie of the Year award too.

He’s coming into a great situation. The Bobcats have no inside offense whatsoever. Bismarck Biyombo is good defensively but a black hole with the ball in his hands. Josh McRoberts is a solid role player, but nothing to write home about. Tyrus Thomas is a corpse. So there’s plenty of room for Zeller to get 20 points and 10 rebounds per game with enough playing time. He has a versatile, inside-outside game, and he can feed off the solid backcourt of Kemba Walker and Gerald Henderson. I’m not saying this is all of a sudden a playoff team or anything, just that it’s a good fit for both parties. We’ll see. I’m on the record.

3. The 76ers trade Jrue Holliday. The official trade was Holliday to the Pelicans (the fucking Pelicans) for Nerlens Noel and next year’s first round pick, provided it isn’t picks one through five. I absolutely love this deal for the Pelicans. For one thing, Holliday is an all star point guard, perhaps the most important position in basketball now that the traditional seven foot post up center has gone the way of the dodo bird. For another thing, he’s only 23 years old. For a third thing, I think Noel is total garbage.

Sure, he was the most hyped dood going into the draft this year. But he has several things working against. For one thing, he has no offensive game whatsoever. He makes Biyombo and Hasheem Thabeet look like Shaq in his prime. Or even Shaq now, probably. For another thing, he appears to weigh less than Kate Moss in her prime. Or even Kate Moss now. And for a third thing, he had a real sour grapes look on his face as he watched five guys get picked ahead of him in the draft. Now, I’m not any kind of body language expert (oh shit, I promised to talk about Bill Simmons next time, I keep forgetting), but I want a guy who handles that situation better. Give me a Full Metal Jacket, I’ve seen that before that doesn’t affect me at all look. Keep that sour puss to yourself, son.

4. The Knicks-Nets pissing contest. Talk about a dick measuring competition. They are so busy trying to one-up each other, I’m getting dizzy. But are they really doing anything productive? Let’s take a look here.

The Nets just made a big trade to get Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Jason Terry from the Celtics. I’m not a fan of this deal at all. Pierce might have something left, but Garnett is done and Terry sucks. If you do a straight up comparison of starters between the new look Nets and Pacers, the Pacers come out ahead everywhere except maybe point guard. Maybe Deron Williams is better than George Hill. But the Pacers have the other four spots on lock. And don’t even think the Nets are better than the Heat. Don’t make me laugh.

The Knicks are in even worse shape. They just traded a bunch of stuff (Steve Novak, Marcus Camby, Quentin Richardson and 832 draft picks) to the Raptors for Andrea Bargnani. This is complete insanity. I was telling Shahid the other day, I think Novak is better than Bargnani. He costs a lot less, is less injury prone and better looking. That point is debatable, but when you factor in everything else the Knicks gave up in order to get a really expensive injury guy who can’t play defense, it’s just dumb. It’s really fucking dumb. And what can I say about them courting Elton Brand. If ever there was a cry for help, there you go.

The bottom line is that neither team is better than the Heat and Pacers. The Nets are probably the third best team in the east again, and the Knicks take a step back. But man, they sure made some headlines!

5. The Clippers. I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk briefly about my childhood favorite team. Getting Doc Rivers for what would surely be a low draft pick, so that they can ensure re-signing Chris Paul was genius. And they just made a trade today, giving up Eric Bledsoe and Caron Butler and getting JJ Redick from the Bucks and Jared Dudley from the Suns. I like that deal a lot for them.

I’m going all in here, saying the Heat beat the Clippers in six in next year’s NBA Finals. If I’m wrong, I will simply delete this post so that you have no proof I ever made the prediction.

Bill Simmons of Grantland.com interviews CM Punk

"Well, hi."

I’ve been waiting for this one for about a week: Bill Simmons, famous from ESPN.com’s Page Two and creator of Grantland.com, interviewed CM Punk and posted the audio from it today. (Click here to listen.) Punk discusses his new theme song, Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality,” how much of his infamous Monday Night Raw promo from last month was planned, how close he really was to leaving WWE to go home and sit on his couch, who influenced his career both as a wrestler and as a child, and what went into his invasion of the San Diego Comic-Con. He also puts over various members of the roster, so listen up for those. Simmons has a very laid-back interview style, and Punk seems to be totally on the level here; it’s an interesting listen and worth checking out.

Grantland.com continues coverage of CM Punk-John Cena-Vince McMahon storyline

cm punk

Everybody Loves CM Punk

For those of you who aren’t wised up to Grantland.com yet, well, you better get smart, buddy! Created by Bill Simmons of ESPN Page 2 fame, Grantland.com is a great time-killer with some fine long-form column writing by prosiasts such as Chuck Klosterman, Andy Greenwald, and David Shoemaker, who fancies himself the professional wrestling expert of the site (this inclusion should come as no surprise, since Simmons commonly reports on pro wrestling via his ESPN platforms) under the nom de plume “The Masked Man.” He’d only score more points with me if he called himself the Yellow Dog.

Anyway, Shoemaker cobbled together the cluster of facts, myths, rumors and assumptions from the past month of WWE television to shine a more mainstream light on our latest great worked-shoot storyline, beginning with CM Punk complaining about his perceived value within WWE via Twitter, continuing with his epic speech where he ripped back the curtain on WWE’s backstage politics, climaxing with Punk taking the WWE Title off John Cena’s waist and placing it prominently, um, in his refrigerator, and trudging forward with a Bigfoot sighting in the form of Triple H taking WWE’s reins in a reflection of a transition that’s probably going to happen over the next few years. Shoemaker has a great outsider point of view on the whole thing, one that’s worth reading and keeping up on. -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio #121


Oh yes y’all, it is the Stunt Granny Audio show. This time around Eric and Jeremy are around for some audio goodness or mediocrity. The guys chat a bit about the release of MVP. Should he have been let go, did he ask to be let go and what does the future hold. Guess who isn’t too concerned? They then talk about the great pics of Marty Jannetty and wonder just what he is famous for anyway. They then give a plug for a podcast not names East Coast Audio, since it features The Miz. There’s more but if we told ya everything it would probably make you not listen.

Stunt Granny Audio #121

The Miz is Awesome

I normally don’t like to pimp interviews that aren’t ours but I’ve got to make an exception for this interview of the Miz by ESPN’s Sports Guy, Bill Simmons. I’ve interviewed Aaron Maguire twice and Jeremy & Eric have roped some ROH wrestlers, including Colt Cabana, into interviews for the Pro Wrestling Torch and here at Stunt Granny. We turn into a bunch of stammering assholes. I can’t imagine how bad we’d butcher an interview with the Miz. Simmons doesn’t kill this interview. You may have to put up with more reality TV talk than you’d like, but it’s worth your time.  – Kevin

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