Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Olympics Day 4 - Equestrian

From TheExaminer.com

I expect a nail biting Game 5 in St. Louis after a nail biter today in the ‘Burgh. I’ll hope Buctober keeps up for another round. Starting late so let’s roll.

We get a recap of what everyone on the internet was bitching about. I wasn’t that upset because A.) They didn’t promote the PPV B.) It’s an off PPV so I didn’t expect much C.) With more focus being put on Big Show than Randy Orton & Daniel Bryan, what did you expect? D.) I didn’t order the PPV because it was a throw away. Big Steph starts us off. She’s not being condescending so she isn’t fairing well. Plus, her being witchy with more pink than an NFL official is hard to take seriously. Big Show comes down to get berated. He laughs her off. Is it supposed to be an insult that Show doesn’t have a soul? Who thought that was a good insult? Probably the same people that thought last night’s ending to a PPV was a good idea. Big Show is fired. Like anyone believes that. Everyone who has ever been fired in wrestling has gotten their job back. (Next Day Edit: Even though I’m not that worked up about the angle, it doesn’t mean it’s good or the right thing to do.)

Dolph Ziggler gets a rematch against Damien Sandow. Hmm, that should be worded the other way around since Sandow lost. JBL’s logic for debunking Big Show’s claim is not sound at all. Thank goodness Mitchell Cool calls out JBL but drops his point way too early. They make us think this match matters by giving it a commercial. It doesn’t matter. Ziggler has been relegated since being concussed and Sandow has a losing streak gimmick after winning MITB. Mitchell Cool rubs dirt in the wound. Hey fuck-o from Texas, not a single team from that state made it to the playoffs. Remember that series when the Rangers lost to the Pirates in a sweep? Fame-Asser for the win. This match benefits no one. Stephanie gets to berate Brad Maddox. She blames him for everything. So, we get Vince back, right? And that’s why Big Show was giddy to get fired after a month of being sheepish? I love Maddox, but I don’t want him to waste my time with an apology.

Bruno Sammartino got a birthday song from the crowd. For some reason, the ladies get full entrances. Natalya is with Jojo & Eva Marie are against Aksana, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendes. Why are the newbies in the ring? Actually, only Eva has gotten time. Discuss clothesline leads to a Sharpshooter tap out of Alicia. I want to drink. That’s what I should have been doing during the match. Brad Maddox interrupts the victory celebration so that the WWE can make up for their lapse in judgement in giving the ladies entrances. His apology is more shilling for the WWE App than it is sincere. Booker T is one of our choices for guest ref at HIAC for Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton. Mitchell Cool gets to explain app installation. King acknowledges that they’re talking down to a majority of their audience. King, my 4 year old nephew can download an app. Is your crowd younger than that?

Los Matadores are taking on 3MB again. El Torrito gets main billing. Diego = Primo. Diego = Primo. Diego = Primo.  Fernando = Epico. Drew McIntyre is back in the ring. They should protect Heath Slater more and keep him out of the matches more than they do. Even for a jobber group, the leader shouldn’t be taking the majority of falls. Double Samoan Drop for the win. El Torito head scissors Slater out of the ring. Pretty sure El Torito did more work than either team. (Next Day Edit: Unlike those other sites, I’ll fix my type-Os the next day. Torito only has 1 R. Thanks WWE.com)

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

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I’m trying to do too much these days. I’m thinking this review will be more half assed than normal. Time to speed thru this puppy.

Randy Orton is fighting Antonio Cesaro. I’m thinking Orton is the new main event guy who puts new talent over. CM Punk comes out irate as he should be. He’s ready to do some party crashing. I remember the days. I have no idea why Vince McMahon can fire Paul Heyman. I’m glad the Miz is the hook for the match. Ugh. Of course even after the commercial break, nothing happens before the commercial break that follows the “beginning” of the match. It wasn’t worth starting a new paragraph.

I’m not even paying attention to the match. Uh oh, ref touching. The Miz allows Orton to hit the RKO. They’re staying the predictable course. The Miz gets to rub it in. I’m “loving” that Mitchell Cool is still on the Miz band wagon. Ryback needs to make us laugh. Stupid.

Even better, Matt Striker is hosting. The Prime Time Players get to be in this show down. Ryback’s joke is appropriate. I still don’t like his finisher. People are loving him though. Matt Striker deserved it. JBL is awesome for laughing at him. That woman in the front row, corner of the entrance is something else.

Wade Barrett gets to choose his opponent. Boy, I wonder why Bo Dallas eliminated him last night? Bo Dallas wins. I’m surprised. That seems pretty weak man. I’m all for the surprise win but it needs to look more flukey than that. John Cena is Cody Rhodes next match.

Cena is on Fruity Pebbles. Thank you Rock. Lawler is still talking about Goldust from last night. Cody Rhodes is leaving. The match was the right length. Cena with an AA. He gets to gab after the match. Cena tries to play the underdog card. He’s coming with an answer though. Of course he’s choosing the Rock or CM Punk. The Shield shows up. JBL calling the stupid card as he should be. Sheamus finally gets off his lazy ass. Ryback makes the real save. Are they actually putting over the Shield? The good guys still look like a bunch of idiots.

Tensai vs Brodus Clay in a lingerie pillow fight match. Thank goodness they begged off. I won’t be watching the Dance Off.

Oh jimminy cricket, Tensai still wore the lingerie. Poor Tensai. I’m laughing at him though. I’d love to see Brodus do a split. My girl likes his top. Clay teaches him to dance. I need more alcohol. Ron Simmons is still awesome. I’m guessing without watching that Alberto Del Rio is in a body slam match with the Big Show.

This is predictable shit. Wow, Big Show freaking out is not predictable. Maybe it shouldn’t be. They’re trying to make Del Rio more of a babyface. Ricardo’s tattoos are all terrible. He needs to get that shit covered up. The crowd isn’t buying it either. I’m enjoying Big Show toying with him.

Kaitlyn is moved into a match with Tamina. This is stupid. Oh, it’s lumber jills with show girl outfits. I like Kaitlyn’s outfit better. Her fashion has been questionable. Cat fight. Woof. Kaitlyn and Tamina stare at each other, kind of. Woof.

The Rock gets his time. Last segment before I deliver the girl back to her abode. Car repairs are a bitch. Thank you CM Punk. The manhood question is always available. I love Punk granting Rock a rematch. Rock’s got no answer on the mic really. The crowd is crushing him though.

Sheamus and Damien Sandow are in some type of a match. I heard it before I left. I don’t care. Ahh, tables match. Thanks for solving that one quickly. I’m glad Sandow is getting in more offense than Rhodes. I like the White Noise thru the table for the win. Figured it’d be a Brogue Kick.

I’m going to FF thru the Great Khali doing karaoke. 3MB makes it interesting. I’m glad Mitchell Cool is apologizing to the WWE Universe as he should be. I feel bad for Zack Ryder. Not sure I can type that enough times. He comes up with a fun character and he gets shit on. He doesn’t even get Heath Slater level TV exposure.

Raw is still Chris Jericho. Dolph Ziggler gets to respond to Jericho who paraded thru his baby face catch phrases. Dog peeing joke. Where’s Steph when you need to poop it up? Vickie Guerrero is back to being a baby face since Dolph is involved. They get to team together against Team Hell No. Kane & Daniel Bryan make it down before a commercial. Kane choke slams Ziggler after a cheap Jericho trick. At least it wasn’t as tedious as most of them. Trish Stratus is a deserving Hall of Fame member. I remember thinking she wasn’t going to be more than arm candy. She showed me way wrong. Hey  Miz, look at her ascent and get out of your rut.

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Paul Heyman gets to answer to Vince McMahon for the main event. I’m not going to like this. The camera man is a snitch. The godfather moment is kind of funny. Brock Lesnar wakes me up from my coma. OK, good reason for this to be in the main event. I love him just pointing at Heyman. F5. HHH vs Brock is confirmed on TV. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

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I don’t get off for Martin Luther King Day. At least I have something in common with the WWE wrestlers. I’m starting late after recording about Gangster Squad. Let’s roll.

Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman come out to start the show. Dear lord, toothless man in the front row. If you can afford those tickets, can’t you afford some fake teeth? Paul Heyman lays it on thick as usual. Replay already. And more replay. It wasn’t the Rock‘s best work. I saw somewhere that he doesn’t owe us to change his schtick. That’s fine. Just know that I know it’s recycled material and I will continue to not like it. Cheesiest police set up ever. The police are not the guards at Buckingham Palace. Vickie gets to play the tired, old heel schtick.

Beat The Clock Challenge between Randy Orton and Antonio Cesaro. They love the long start to this challenge then the matches slowly start to resemble normal Raw length matches. Nothing happens before the break. The WWE loves it’s own formulas. I had glazed over the #BeatTheClock stuff until Mitchell Cool pointed it out. He’s doing his job. Since the winner gets to pick their number, a heel wins this challenge, right? RKO out of nowhere for an 11:36 match time. They try to build drama. I’m not biting. Nice of them to give Mick Foley a full career run down. The Shield tries to look like terrorists. They’re just getting started without still having any distinct personality traits or a winning in ring match.

Brad Maddox is going to get more air time than the match between Big Show and Zack Ryder. WMD for a short match. Big Show got screwed in the Beat The Clock challenge.

Brad Maddox gets more air time with Paul Heyman who invites him on board. 3MB is air guitaring. So stupid but somewhat funny. Ryback gets to crush Heath Slater. Heath gets a spoonful of offense. Finish him. Ryback got screwed in the challenge too. He’s got a mic again. The Rock is still jonsesing to get in. Vickie bribed their boss and admitted it on camera. Doesn’t she get arrested now? Why are they wearing the same outfit? Vickie can’t stop laughing at the Rock.

CM Punk gets his promo time. The WWE Title is his life’s work. Punk is doing what he can to make fun of the fans. They don’t seem to be buying it. A solid promo. The content was a little “Eh” to me. I love his facial expressions.

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World Wrestling Bracketainment Sweet Sixteen: #3 vs. #14, #6 vs. #11

Welcome back to World Wrestling Bracketainment, where we put the “fun” in “pick your funking favorites” in the tournament to determine the greatest WWE Champion in WWF and WWE history! One match-up – Bob Backlund vs. The Rock – well, doesn’t bode well for Bob, while the other – Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels – has enough personal and professional history to warrant its own DVD release. Vote in each poll for the man you think was the better WWE/WWF Champion of the two, by any criteria you see fit, and check back Friday for the winners!

World Wrestling Bracketainment: 3 vs. 30, 14 vs. 19, 11 vs. 22, 6 vs. 27

As mentioned in the play-in round, we’re bringing the fun and excitement of March Madness tournaments to pro wrestling (without all that winning money or prizes stuff) by asking you to help us choose the greatest WWE Champion in history. We’ve seeded the competitors based on length of title reign, and now we’re putting the voting in your hands. You choose the criteria, and the winners advance. This week we’ll plan to post winners Wednesday and Friday morning, so cast your ballot soon!

World Wrestling Bracketainment: Best WWE Champion in history, play-in for No. 32 seed

Well folks, it’s that time of year. No, not when we eat fish every Friday because they’re the only animals on Noah’s Ark who don’t have any feelings. It’s bracket time! If it wasn’t for March Madness, we sports fans wouldn’t have anything to do at all.

So let’s drag this bracket concept kicking and screaming into professional wrestling! We’re looking to determine the best WWE Champion in history, and we want to do so with your help. We’ve seeded 31 of the 43 WWE Champions by the length of their combined title reigns (not including World Hvt Championship reigns, as that belt has been around for a cup of coffee compared to the prestigious WWE Championship). Through a series of polls, we’ll ask you to move these champions onto the next round until we’ve crowned a winner.

To keep things interesting, we’ve decided that, rather than plop Mankind directly into the No. 32 seed position automatically, we would have a play-in game to determine who longest-reigning champion Bruno Sammartino would face in his opening around match. Vote for your favorite, based on any criteria you wish! Once No. 32 is established, we’ll rock and roll, giving you about 48 hours to vote before moving onto the next round. Happy tournamenting!

Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

If you didn't like this week's Monday Night Raw, this picture should hopefully put things into perspective for you.

This one will be short and sweet since I’m feeling under the weather today. Kevin wanted me to do this because he’s busy with something or another else. We’re choking down Summer Slam, so they better make this count.

Triple H comes out to start the show. How long do you get to be the new COO of the company before you’re just the COO of the company? He said there were lots of changes going on in the company, what with them going from having no champion to now having two. He said they’re going to resolve that issue at Summer Slam with a match between John Cena and CM Punk to determine who the undisputed champion will be. Punk got a big pop again at the mention. Hunter said a match of that magnitude is going to need a special guest referee of equal magnitude to keep the law and order. So, of course, it’s going to be him. Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming. Ray Charles could have seen that coming. A visually impaired person who needs the assistance of eyewear in order to see things properly could have seen that coming.

In any event, Hunter then got down to the business of laying out the format of the rest of the show. We’ve got a contract signing between Punk and Cena (I’m sure that will go just swimmingly), as well as individual matches for the both of them against other dudes. Hunter said Cena’s match is first, and actually it is going to be right then and there. I love how they do that on wrestling shows, the faux surprise “let’s have a match right now!” thing. What were they going to do otherwise with that time? Just show an empty ring? Have Triple H talk longer? Before they went to break, Cena got in Hunter’s face to question the guest referee stipulation. Hunter told him no one is bigger than him, basically laying down the law there. Interesting.

Back from break, and Cena is taking on Jack Swagger. WWE forgot to fire Swagger on Black Friday a while back, and they’re going to punish him for it by making him job on television. Or something like that. I’m not reviewing the matches this week in any sort of meaningful way, if you want to know the truth of it. Besides, Swagger is not good, so it would just be a bunch of sentences saying stuff like “Swagger did something poorly” and “Swagger sold something poorly.” I just saved you some time. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment for the victory. It was your basic John Cena match that he had every week while I was doing Smackdown reviews back in the day. I guess Swagger and Carlito are interchangeable.

Later in the show is going to be Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz. Isn’t Rey hurt? Isn’t Miz not much better off? What’s going on here? They show clips of Bret Hart vs. Curt Hennig from Summer Slam 1991, which is one of my favorite matches of all time, ostensibly to get people excited about this year’s Summer Slam. Done and doner.

Ricardo Rodriguez interrupts Scott Stanford (the broski of the forever) to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio is going to be taking on Punk tonight, and he vows to finish what he tried to start at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. So apparently Punk is a babyface now, in that he is a babyface when he is facing heels and a heel when he is facing babyfaces. Who doesn’t think Punk is this generation’s Randy Savage, the best thing to happen to wrestling in the last 10 years? If so, harm yourself immediately.

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