@ImpactWrestling Total Nonsense Analysis

monkey-see– TNA is doing the same exact thing with Magnus that the WWE did with Randy Orton. Rockstar Spud & Dixie Carter should not be getting the heat for the new champion Magnus. At least in the WWE, people disliked HHH & Stephanie but they aren’t getting that kind of heat. I love the canned boos as the camera shows people talking to each other and sitting on their hands. Jeff Hardy screeching like a woman did not help himself look like a main event player. Neither did saying the title doesn’t mean anything to him is stupid. EC3 isn’t worthy of fighting a washed up Sting. That’s a pretty sad statement.

– Oh my goodness, Dixie Carter cut herself off with a commercial. Why did someone think this segment was a good idea? Gunner getting the title shot is a head scratcher to me. You just crowned a new young champion in Magnus. Give the shot to an established star who can help raise the new champion’s stock even if he cheats to win said match. Plus, Gunner is terrible on the mic and not so good in the ring. James Storm is a hard head for not accepting Gunner’s help. Having Storm winning the case would be a perfect tonic. Dixie Carter, no one cares that you’re stringing along this “major announcement.”

– The double DQ for James Storm and Gunner is a feud extender but I don’t care because they’re both stuck in this all too familar to TNA weird grey zone. James Storm bitched like a girl about Gunner selling him out at the bar and tossing him out of the way for a title shot. Gunner is defending himself but he’s not good enough verbally to dig himself out of the accusations.

Brooke Tessmacher calls out Bully Ray so that he can get some creepy horror movie music. “It’s going to get a lot worse for everyone.” So it’s going to be worse than you “Almost taking down TNA” within the past year if I’m to believe what they told me on TV? What’s your plan, get TNA going like a cockroach after a nuclear winter? Thanks for adding to my material to mock.

– The second video for Magnus was much better. He’s putting a little heat on himself with the Main Event Mafia conspiracy. He could feud with Samoa Joe. I wouldn’t argue in the ring.

– I like the Joseph Park character more than the Abyss character. But how long can you keep running a gimmick that has a timid man who can’t wrestle? He has been good enough on the mic to fill a manager role but is that what the person playing him wants? I have my doubts. They could re-imagine the Abyss character too and make him a hybrid of his current characters or a have him flip between the personalities. I’ll give this angle a chance.

– I liked the third video package from Magnus too. He showed spine which he hadn’t done for months. The looming specter of Rockstar Spud and Dixie Carter makes this an angle that could turn into a train wreck if his personality can’t stand out from those two bafoons.

– I know I’m not breaking any new ground with this statement but Lai’d Tapa is super green. Having her in there with ODB, who isn’t exactly a technician herself, makes for a tough match to watch. Even Lai’d Tapa’s facial expressions are bad.

Magnus video number four credited Dixie Carter for seeing his brilliance. Hit the brakes Mr. Engineer!

– Holy Shit Snacks as Pam Hoovey would say. That was Dixie‘s announcement? The Bromans are joining Rockstar Spud & EC3? That isn’t a big announcement. I wasn’t paying attention to Dixie’s “announcements” already. If you’re going to make terrible announcements like that, I’ll be sure not to pay attention. Nothing about the Bromans should concern Sting or Jeff Hardy especially since it’s a tag match. 4 Chumps vs 2 Main Eventers.

– While watching the match, Mike Tenay reminds me the announcement was the coronation of Magnus as champion was the big announcement. Whoops. It’s still not going to make me pay attention to her big announcements because that’s just standard wrestling procedure 101. I’m pretty sure I just heard the wreck. The engineer didn’t brake in time. Speaking of that tactic book, EC3 rolling up Sting with a handful of tights is classic heel move 101 and is the best thing they’ve done for him so far. Too bad he still sucks. Jeff Hardy is gone until light shines on this kingdom. Very Jeff Hardy like announcement. He may not be as good as he was in the WWE, but I still think he’s kept his act fresh with the talk over videos and little tweaks to his character. Hardy toned down his in ring act enough to stick around. Whether it’s an angle or real, (I don’t remember reading anything on the topic) this isn’t a good time for Hardy to be skipping town. – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #TNA #ImpactWrestling

LetsTrySomethingNew

Well, this isn’t something new but it is a new post. I have another one to finish up but it requires more thought than this type of article. I also need to get this off my DVR because I’m traveling to Altoona PA this weekend. Let’s roll.

We start with the 2 young male escorts Wes Brisco and Garrett Bischoff against Kurt Angle. They do a solid job of reminding us what the feud is about. AS usual nothing happens before a commercial break in a match. That was a hell of a bump for Bischoff to take on the double German suplex. Bischoff nails Angle with the chain for the win. This is stupid. Even my girl agrees. Nice of them to swipe The Shield’s move. Ken Anderson gets to babble. I can’t believe I liked him at some point.

Zema Ion and Petey Williams take on Kenny King for the X Division. I can’t stop staring at the referee’s hat to know what’s going on in the ring. I do like the X cam but I’m not sure why it looks so washed out. Oh, that’s the camera. I’m not paying much attention in general. They’re making Petey look pretty awesome. Ha. Cheap win by King. I feel bad for Ion. Brutus Magnus is going for the TV Title. Solid work from him as usual. I like his under statement.

Christy Hemme and Brooke Hogan are getting ready to launch the new Knockout’s website and photos. Brooke then talks down to Mickie James and Brook Tessmacher. Devon comes out first for some reason. Magnus gets attacked on the ramp by Mike Knox & DOC. This one trick pony is old. Aces & Eights aren’t really getting heat. Samoa Joe makes the save but why did they walk away? Kick his ass too.

Part of the reason to write this column is to rip on Tazz. He has surpassed Mike Tenay for worst announcer in wrestling. Having to act like a heel is not working for him in any way. He never sounds genuine. Samoa Joe is pissed. This AJ Styles thing isn’t interesting either. I don’t care which side he’s on. He’s not that big of a deal. I like him but whatever. Velvet Sky is selling an injury? Is this real? I don’t care enough to look up whether it’s real. ODB didn’t get any promo time for this match. Tessmacher then Mickie James. Forgot ODB was the ref. Why is Mickie looking like she wants to fight ODB? You can’t start rotating thru female refs this quickly. I like ODB ordering them back into the ring. Regular referees should be that stern. The Thesz Press off the top is always a like awkward. Tazz not having a come back to Tenay seals the deal on why he’s such a bitch now. You’re a tough guy compared to your partners. Bully them. Mickey reverses a reverse for the win. Solid match. Kaz and Christopher Daniels are moderately funny. Joseph Park gets attacked by Bully Ray. He gives us a sexist sentence. He’s a lawyer who isn’t going to press charges? Ironic. I wonder if they’re trying to do the same thing once every 15 minutes or 30.

Mickie James put together a good promo which is strange. It was never her strong suit. James Storm reminds us that this angle has taken entirely too long. Daniels & Kaz are back. Daniels said something. Kaz wants the tag team titles back. Austin Aries & Bobby Roode are still stuck in tag team hell because Aces & Eights are over bearing. Chavo & Hernandez clear the ring. Snooze.

So Jeff Hardy is really hurt? Roode has turned himself into a good talker. Matt Morgan is gloating again. Is he supposed to be turning baby face? He wants to take on Bully Ray but that cocky ass is so heelish. Why didn’t Aces & Eights just attack Samoa Joe too? Devon is a bad sergeant at arms. Tazz says people hate his guts because of his opinions. No, we hate you because you suck. Brisco distracts the ref. Anderson brass knuckles Samoa Joe. Devon makes the pin. It’s like clock work.

AJ Styles tries to run out of the match. James Storm attacks him on the ramp to stop him. Both men are wearing black. Aces & Eights wear black. Let’s try and make this product even more bland. AJ’s look is a little sheep dog for me. I do like a change for him though. It’d be kind of funny if he joined Kaz & Daniels. Storm taps to a sharp shooter type move. I know it has a name that I don’t remember. AJ Styles leaves Storm alone to catch a beating. Kaz & Daniels get an ass kicking too. Bully Ray delivers a fine enough promo but I don’t care because he became boring the minute he joined Aces & Eights. Dumb. It limits him way too much. He was better without this crew. They’re dragging him down. -Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: #iMPACTWrestling – For The Hell of It

I need this head scratcher to figure out Hogan's Open Fight Night concept.

I know I mentioned this in an audio recently but I’m not sure I mentioned it in this space. My levels of reviews are Definitely or Almost Live which happens the night of the show. A Day Late & A Dollar Short is, duh, the next day. For The Hell Of It title says I just want to put content on the site. I’d imagine anyone that wanted to read a review of these shows has done it already. I’m throwing some pity because of their dismal ratings news. Plus, I know I won’t review the show on time this coming week. I have a ticket to go see Mick Foley & the Reverend Bob Levy on Thursday. I’m excited.

I want to vomit already. Hulk Hogan just called Samoa Joe & Brutus Magnus the greatest tag team ever. OK, well, only one champ each “Fight Night” can be called out? Or is Hogan just assigning one title match and the rest of the champs can still be called out? Devon comes out and calls out Bully Ray. I guess the champ can call someone out. All of the roster is hanging out together. Um, why? Just watch from your locker room. Bully Ray turns down the challenge. Shouldn’t Hogan have come out and enforced his won rules? Devon starts the match by attacking Bully Ray on the ramp. At least Taz called the Dudleys the greatest tag team of all time. He was trying to correct Hogan’s nonsense. They probably aren’t but they’re closer than the other clowns. Nothing happening before the commercial break.

Taz & Mike Tenay are praising the concept but doing nothing to help define it. The action has been pretty solid. It’s all familiar stuff. It makes sense they’re going for big shots and power moves. Devon gets the win after a spine buster. I would have liked to have seen him get some more offense in before the pin fall. Austin Aries talks about not being impressed with Bully Ray. Ric Flair is asked about the proper send off for Eric Bischoff. According to Flair, Eric is the greatest promoter of all time. Yep, I’m sure that’s why “his” company got bought by WWE.

Kazarian & Christopher Daniels talked to Kurt Angle. He yells at them for helping him because he doesn’t need anyone’s help. OK then. Jeremy Borash came to the ring. He says that Eric Bischoff is the biggest prick the company has ever had. Borash wants to fight him. Bischoff comes down clapping. As Eric talks, Bully Ray low blows JB. Bischoff pulls his leg up and gets the pin. JB could have kicked out. Ball shots hurt but prove a point. And why does a leaving heel need heat? Or this much camera time? Boy I can’t think of why they’re rating is below 1.0.

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