The @WWE Slammy Awards Are During #Raw Part III

I'm Tired of Writing Previews. Are you tired of reading them?

I’m Tired of Writing Previews. Are you tired of reading them?

Tag Team of the Year – Which Duo Did The Best? – The Shield (Rollins & Reigns), Prime Time Players, The Usos, Cody Rhodes & Goldust and The Real Americans – I’ve covered the Real Americans enough already. They’re not winning. The Prime Time Players may have a gay gentleman in Darren Young and a clear WWE favorite in Titus O’Neil but that has gotten them nowhere aside from having a good dance. The Usos are a notch above PTP but not by much. By hanging in the title picture, I give them a spot ahead but they’re not winning either. The Shield had the titles for longer this year but with the fans voting, I’ve got to go with Cody Rhodes & Goldust. Cody is finally saddled without a gimmick that limits him but unfortunately the tag straps limit your mic time. Goldust has been a fantastic comeback story so he might win two categories because of one reason.

“You Still Got It!” Best Superstar Return Award – Which Returning Competitor Made The Best Comeback in 2013? – Rob Van Dam, Goldust, The Bella Twins, Bruno Sammartino and Chris Jericho – Considering that the WWE doesn’t think we’ve got memories due to their story line plot holes that are larger than pot holes in Ohio this time of the year, we should probably count out Chris Jericho. He has been gone for several months and even though HHH mentioned him, he won’t win the vote. My woman will continue to have to dream about Jerry’s next appearance. Rob Van Dam falls under the same category. He would have been the vote hands down but staying off TV will not help fans thumbs to click RVD in the voting polls. Bruno Sammartino should win this one but he’s in a similar category to Jericho & RVD in that he hasn’t been on TV recently. His reasons for coming back may be wrong headed but he is one of the greatest ever. Giving him a worthless award is the least you could do for the man. The Bella Twins shouldn’t count. Ahh crap, they had been gone for a while, hadn’t they? Well, whatever. They might deserve it for making the women’s division somewhat relevant because of Total Divas but as the show points out, Nikki has been out the majority of the time since their return. Maybe if Brie Bella had been listed by herself, I’d be more interested in voting for them. Goldust is going to win because he’s got gold and a whole lot of momentum behind him.

Best Dance Moves – Who Boogied the Best in 2013? – Fandango, Summer Rae, R-Truth, The Funkadactyls, The Great Khali and the “Miz-co” Inferno – It’s probably not a good thing for the “Miz-co” Inferno that I don’t remember his dance moves because everyone else is less likely to remember. The Great Khali is a dance machine that we haven’t seen since Young Frankenstein. R Truth could win if his name was Xavier Woods and he’s in a storyline trying to steal the Funkadactyls. Why are they listed as a duo while Fandango & Summer Rae being split into separate choices? The dances that Fandango & Summer attempt on a weekly basis are partnered dances. I’d love to see Summer Rae dance her ways into my bedroom but that isn’t the vote. The Funkadactyls will win due to their exposure on Total Divas even though that’s meant less dancing for them since Brodus Clay & Tensai were excavated after several months of extinction for the Xavier Woods feud.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Olympics Day 4 - Equestrian

From TheExaminer.com

I expect a nail biting Game 5 in St. Louis after a nail biter today in the ‘Burgh. I’ll hope Buctober keeps up for another round. Starting late so let’s roll.

We get a recap of what everyone on the internet was bitching about. I wasn’t that upset because A.) They didn’t promote the PPV B.) It’s an off PPV so I didn’t expect much C.) With more focus being put on Big Show than Randy Orton & Daniel Bryan, what did you expect? D.) I didn’t order the PPV because it was a throw away. Big Steph starts us off. She’s not being condescending so she isn’t fairing well. Plus, her being witchy with more pink than an NFL official is hard to take seriously. Big Show comes down to get berated. He laughs her off. Is it supposed to be an insult that Show doesn’t have a soul? Who thought that was a good insult? Probably the same people that thought last night’s ending to a PPV was a good idea. Big Show is fired. Like anyone believes that. Everyone who has ever been fired in wrestling has gotten their job back. (Next Day Edit: Even though I’m not that worked up about the angle, it doesn’t mean it’s good or the right thing to do.)

Dolph Ziggler gets a rematch against Damien Sandow. Hmm, that should be worded the other way around since Sandow lost. JBL’s logic for debunking Big Show’s claim is not sound at all. Thank goodness Mitchell Cool calls out JBL but drops his point way too early. They make us think this match matters by giving it a commercial. It doesn’t matter. Ziggler has been relegated since being concussed and Sandow has a losing streak gimmick after winning MITB. Mitchell Cool rubs dirt in the wound. Hey fuck-o from Texas, not a single team from that state made it to the playoffs. Remember that series when the Rangers lost to the Pirates in a sweep? Fame-Asser for the win. This match benefits no one. Stephanie gets to berate Brad Maddox. She blames him for everything. So, we get Vince back, right? And that’s why Big Show was giddy to get fired after a month of being sheepish? I love Maddox, but I don’t want him to waste my time with an apology.

Bruno Sammartino got a birthday song from the crowd. For some reason, the ladies get full entrances. Natalya is with Jojo & Eva Marie are against Aksana, Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendes. Why are the newbies in the ring? Actually, only Eva has gotten time. Discuss clothesline leads to a Sharpshooter tap out of Alicia. I want to drink. That’s what I should have been doing during the match. Brad Maddox interrupts the victory celebration so that the WWE can make up for their lapse in judgement in giving the ladies entrances. His apology is more shilling for the WWE App than it is sincere. Booker T is one of our choices for guest ref at HIAC for Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton. Mitchell Cool gets to explain app installation. King acknowledges that they’re talking down to a majority of their audience. King, my 4 year old nephew can download an app. Is your crowd younger than that?

Los Matadores are taking on 3MB again. El Torrito gets main billing. Diego = Primo. Diego = Primo. Diego = Primo.  Fernando = Epico. Drew McIntyre is back in the ring. They should protect Heath Slater more and keep him out of the matches more than they do. Even for a jobber group, the leader shouldn’t be taking the majority of falls. Double Samoan Drop for the win. El Torito head scissors Slater out of the ring. Pretty sure El Torito did more work than either team. (Next Day Edit: Unlike those other sites, I’ll fix my type-Os the next day. Torito only has 1 R. Thanks WWE.com)

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Ring of Honor e-mail includes posters featuring homeless men pointing at their necks

Yes, Eddie, step one of Arn Anderson Training is to put your thumb there.

As a loyal Ring of Honor fan who has watched about 45 minutes of one Sinclair Broadcasting Group TV show and who purchased his most recent ROH DVD in April 2009 but watched his most recent ROH DVD in, like, January 2009, of course I receive ROH’s weekly e-mails, because how better to keep up with a company with such an identity crisis as, as Austin Aries dubbed it, Smoky Mountain of Honor. (Thank you, Cageside Seats, for ranking high in a Google search for that term.)

Low digital quality, low-rent font, high calories!

So these are the types of show posters I’m treated to, the graphic designs that are supposed to excite me into parting with my money rather than buy lunch a few times this month (although I’m sure there are still ROH fans who will gladly buy PPVs and refuse to skip lunch). Low-resolution pictures of a guy who may or may not be a professional wrestler, chewing on a championship belt, while someone with a fetish for newspaper-letter clippings is holding something or other hostage. Not sold. How about the image at the top of this post? The one with FORMER WORLD CHAMPION Eddie Edwards pointing his thumb to his throat about as threateningly as a baby bunny eating my god damn tomato plants.

“O noes, stuck in ROH steal cage!”

But wait, there’s more!

L to R: A group who couldn’t draw money if their dad was Bob Ross; hot-ass Maria.

These are looking more indy by the minute. And seriously, Roderick Strong? Are you checking your pulse? Because you barely look like you could fog a mirror at this point in your life.

I could make the standard “Kevin Steen taking a dump” joke here, but I’ll aim below the belt and suggest that the person on this poster who looks most like a pro wrestler is god damn 90-year-old Bruno Sammartino. (No offense, @jaybriscoe84)

Finally — and please let this be the image that drives home the point that Ring of Honor has plenty of internal struggles to deal with (namely, hiring someone who uses Adobe Photoshop instead of MS Paint) and not that there’s anything wrong with the wrestlers… except Roderick Strong — here’s a piece of communication wizardy:

Now, ROH, tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to know where to go, when and how to get there, when Lance Fucking Storm is standing in the way??

Once again, I shouldn’t slight the wrestlers so much as I should pick on ROH for its half-assed attempts to promote (and, at times, produce, M I RITE CHRIS SHORE) its live events. But I’m not the only voice here; let’s open this up to the peanut gallery:

Dusty: The only thing dangerous about Bruno is that he is still able to speak.

Jeremy: Could they have made them look cheaper? Roderick even knows this is shit. Oh, and look at the Briscoes, how cute.

Dusty: This has to be the first time in recorded history the Briscoes were described as cute in any way whatsoever.

Kevin: There were wrestlers on those posters? I thought I saw ads and some homeless men who couldn’t afford clothes. Any reason this type of thing can’t be a post with us ripping on one of the posters in particular?

Ask and ye shall receive. -Eric

World Wrestling Bracketainment Final Four: Bruno vs. Undertaker, Hogan vs. Michaels

We’re getting down to the nitty gritty in our World Wrestling Bracketainment tournament to determine the greatest WWE/WWF Champion in the history of our fair sport. As seeds go, Nos. 1 and 20 are in the same half of the bracketing, and Nos. 2 and 11 are as well, meaning our Final Four match-ups are Bruno Sammartino (who managed to get past Randy Savage) vs. Undertaker (after an easy victory over Pedro “Who?” Morales), and Hulk Hogan (that CM Punk brother can’t work anyway!) vs. Shawn Michaels (who beat out The Rock). Vote for your favorites by any criteria you choose, and come back Wednesday for the finals!

World Wrestling Bracketainment Elite Eight: Bruno-Savage, Hogan-Punk, Taker-Pedro, Rock-Michaels

World Wrestling Bracketainment March-o Madness continues, ooooh yeah! Yep, somehow or other, you folks voted Randy Savage as a better WWF/WWE Champion than Stone Cold Steve Austin, making this a very interesting Elite Eight round. Savage takes on Sammartino, the longest-reigning champ in company history; Hulk Hogan is pitted against current-day darling CM Punk; Undertaker blew away John Cena to move on against Pedro Morales (yeesh); and in a contest more of us can relate to, The Rock is matched up against Shawn Michaels (due to a mysterious tiebreaker). Cast your vote for the man in each match-up you consider to have been the better WWF/WWE Champion, and we’ll return Monday with the winners!

World Wrestling Bracketainment Sweet Sixteen: #1 vs. #16, #8 vs. #9

Welcome back to World Wrestling Bracketainment, where we put the “fun” in “pick your funking favorites” in the tournament to determine the greatest WWE Champion in WWF and WWE history! One of these match-ups – Bruno Sammartino vs. Superstar Billy Graham – has much historical significance, while the other – Randy Savage (who blew out Edge) vs. Steve Austin – was a match we all kinda wanted to see back in 1998. Vote in each poll for the man you think was the better WWE/WWF Champion of the two, by any criteria you see fit, and check back Friday for the winners!

World Wrestling Bracketainment: 1 vs. 32, 16 vs. 17, 9 vs. 24, 8 vs. 25

As mentioned in the play-in round, we’re bringing the fun and excitement of March Madness tournaments to pro wrestling (without all that winning money or prizes stuff) by asking you to help us choose the greatest WWE Champion in history. We’ve seeded the competitors based on length of title reign (days of all reigns combined, in parentheses), and now we’re putting the voting in your hands. You choose the criteria, and the winners advance. This week we’ll plan to post winners Wednesday and Friday morning, so cast your ballot soon!

World Wrestling Bracketainment: Best WWE Champion in history, play-in for No. 32 seed

Well folks, it’s that time of year. No, not when we eat fish every Friday because they’re the only animals on Noah’s Ark who don’t have any feelings. It’s bracket time! If it wasn’t for March Madness, we sports fans wouldn’t have anything to do at all.

So let’s drag this bracket concept kicking and screaming into professional wrestling! We’re looking to determine the best WWE Champion in history, and we want to do so with your help. We’ve seeded 31 of the 43 WWE Champions by the length of their combined title reigns (not including World Hvt Championship reigns, as that belt has been around for a cup of coffee compared to the prestigious WWE Championship). Through a series of polls, we’ll ask you to move these champions onto the next round until we’ve crowned a winner.

To keep things interesting, we’ve decided that, rather than plop Mankind directly into the No. 32 seed position automatically, we would have a play-in game to determine who longest-reigning champion Bruno Sammartino would face in his opening around match. Vote for your favorite, based on any criteria you wish! Once No. 32 is established, we’ll rock and roll, giving you about 48 hours to vote before moving onto the next round. Happy tournamenting!

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