MVP “Holla to the World” features skanks, cars, white T-shirts, soulless beats

Former WWE superstar MVP (follow him on Twitter at @The305MVP) released a song and a video titled “Holla at the World” where the pro wrestler presumably hollas at the world. How does he do it, you ask? Well, with the help of three skanks walking under a bridge in a desolate part of town (0:17); with the help of a punk-rock white-chick bartender serving drinks to billiards-shooting bikini broads (1:24); with the help of a guy who looks like if Kanye West spent a night on the town with Matt Hardy bouncing from Cracker Barrel to Cracker Barrel (1:51); and with the help of the barely employed Carlito (3:27; yeah, hanging out with your ratty friend who only has a job thanks to his dad will help you get the women).

I don’t know who produced the beats for this song, but they sound like they were purchased from some stock bin and were made in Fruity Loops or Garage Band by a rich white kid with nothing else better to do. MVP also makes the rookie MC mistake of trying to squeeze too many god damn words into one song, like this is the only chance he’ll ever have to share the contents of his diary journal notebook rhyme collection with us. “Love the models in HOTTUBS WAIT I HAVE MORE WORDS TO SPIT OUT!” Calm down, Veep, I’m sure you’ll release another video (that you record in front of a green screen in the mall) whether we want you to or not. -Eric

Headlines: Matt Hardy can’t admit to sucking, Young Bucks can’t either, Del Rio (rightfully) gets no love

matt hardy

Who woulda thought, huh?

According to Prowrestling.net (and I saw this earlier on his Twitter account, so also according to me), Matt Hardy lashed out at a fan who must have been speaking the God’s honest gospel truth about how much Matt Hardy sucks as a pro wrestler and a human being (and an actor, and an entertainer, and a ghost hunter, and did I mention human being?).

Please bet against me and insult and have fun at my expense. You you’ve never done anything and never will. While I sit home with enough money to last two lifetimes.

A) Jason Powell corrected Hardy’s spelling because he originally wrote to “best” against him. The best thing that’s ever been against Hardy is the wall that props his drunk ass up at the Waffle Stop while he devours the left side of the menu. (And he can afford it, too, because he has enough money for the two lifetimes he’s very quickly burning through.) B) It’s a good thing we’re a dirt sheet, because that means he can’t lash out at us. Remember, he basically said that already.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, the Young Bucks recently [edit for who-gives-a-fuck] listen guys, you suck, your schtick sucks, and you’re only getting press because there are 10,000 sites like ours hungry for interviews with disgruntled former independent contractors. If you can make enough money on the indy circuit, do it while you can, because eventually everyone is going to see through this spot-monkey bullshit and bandana-wearing garbage and toss you out like yesterday’s garbage. Not that it’s any of my business, but just how much money do you think Marty Jannetty and Ricky Morton are pulling in for that same act, just 25 years later? Then again, they’ve both made enough money to last two lifetimes.

Speaking of indy guys, according to Prowrestling.net, Wrestling Revolution has named its first two roster members, Colt Cabana and Dr. Luther (some old Canadian). Wrestling Revolution began as a Kickstarter project created by Jeff Katz, former WCW Internet nerd turned Hollywood executive producer. Rather than force you to sit through a three-minute video of a fat bearded guy green-screened in front of a wrestling ring he’ll never step foot inside, let me give you the rundown: Katz wants to steal my No. 1 draft pick of Colt Cabana and create a wrestling “league” based on a shortened storyline schedule similar to that of cable TV seasons. Interesting concept, and I hope it takes off. Or I hope it fails at the same time I win the lottery so I can hire Colt myself.

Finally, according to an eyewitness report from WWE Monday Night Raw (posted at Prowrestling.net), WWE Champion Alberto del Rio has no crowd heat whatsoever. Two guesses as to why that could be: He’s not very good, and the writers have completely fucked up a very simple aristocratic character by making him smile like a retard at the zoo and say his own name every week. Come on, let him get down to kicking ass and shoving pesos down his opponents’ throats. Heat = instant. -Eric

Dusty’s Blog: Post Monday Night Raw Autopsy

If you didn't like this week's Monday Night Raw, this picture should hopefully put things into perspective for you.

This one will be short and sweet since I’m feeling under the weather today. Kevin wanted me to do this because he’s busy with something or another else. We’re choking down Summer Slam, so they better make this count.

Triple H comes out to start the show. How long do you get to be the new COO of the company before you’re just the COO of the company? He said there were lots of changes going on in the company, what with them going from having no champion to now having two. He said they’re going to resolve that issue at Summer Slam with a match between John Cena and CM Punk to determine who the undisputed champion will be. Punk got a big pop again at the mention. Hunter said a match of that magnitude is going to need a special guest referee of equal magnitude to keep the law and order. So, of course, it’s going to be him. Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming. Ray Charles could have seen that coming. A visually impaired person who needs the assistance of eyewear in order to see things properly could have seen that coming.

In any event, Hunter then got down to the business of laying out the format of the rest of the show. We’ve got a contract signing between Punk and Cena (I’m sure that will go just swimmingly), as well as individual matches for the both of them against other dudes. Hunter said Cena’s match is first, and actually it is going to be right then and there. I love how they do that on wrestling shows, the faux surprise “let’s have a match right now!” thing. What were they going to do otherwise with that time? Just show an empty ring? Have Triple H talk longer? Before they went to break, Cena got in Hunter’s face to question the guest referee stipulation. Hunter told him no one is bigger than him, basically laying down the law there. Interesting.

Back from break, and Cena is taking on Jack Swagger. WWE forgot to fire Swagger on Black Friday a while back, and they’re going to punish him for it by making him job on television. Or something like that. I’m not reviewing the matches this week in any sort of meaningful way, if you want to know the truth of it. Besides, Swagger is not good, so it would just be a bunch of sentences saying stuff like “Swagger did something poorly” and “Swagger sold something poorly.” I just saved you some time. Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment for the victory. It was your basic John Cena match that he had every week while I was doing Smackdown reviews back in the day. I guess Swagger and Carlito are interchangeable.

Later in the show is going to be Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz. Isn’t Rey hurt? Isn’t Miz not much better off? What’s going on here? They show clips of Bret Hart vs. Curt Hennig from Summer Slam 1991, which is one of my favorite matches of all time, ostensibly to get people excited about this year’s Summer Slam. Done and doner.

Ricardo Rodriguez interrupts Scott Stanford (the broski of the forever) to introduce Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio is going to be taking on Punk tonight, and he vows to finish what he tried to start at the Money in the Bank pay-per-view. So apparently Punk is a babyface now, in that he is a babyface when he is facing heels and a heel when he is facing babyfaces. Who doesn’t think Punk is this generation’s Randy Savage, the best thing to happen to wrestling in the last 10 years? If so, harm yourself immediately.

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John Cena injured (VIDEO UPDATE), Shelton Benjamin sad (about something else)

Drinking out of a red plastic cup? That's cool.

According to reports at Prowrestling.net, John Cena injured his leg during a steel cage match against Wade Barrett at a house show in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., on Tuesday night. The link posted above describes Cena giving Barrett a bulldog, then being unable to immediately get up. Boy, as if John Cena wasn’t already the modern-day Hulk Hogan, now he’s landing on his butt all the time doing this bulldog (like Hogan landing the legdrop), and maybe Cena’s coccyx couldn’t handle it anymore. Let’s fast-forward past the “he’s gonna miss WrestleMania” talk and wonder if Cena will talk about FU’ing the 19,000-pound Big Show in front of one million people at Madison Square Garden before going in for seven back surgeries in a row. Come on, man, avoid these stingers and put more padding in your jorts!

(VIDEO UPDATE: Once again, Prowrestling.net pulls it out: Some fan with a nice camera they snuck past security took this footage of Cena’s post-match speech and hobbling out of the ring. Yeeouch)

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Shelton Benjamin has spoken out against whomever attended a recent memorial for the late former WWE superstar Umaga, as the person snapped pictures of other wrestling talent and then sold them to TMZ. (As much as it upsets Benjamin, I’m afraid I have to post the TMZ link, right here, as it’s simply my journalistic duty.) Benjamin, on his Twitter account, said:

Ekkie’s memorial was both personal and private and not for public display, so it really pisses me off to see a trust betrayed. But I will root out this piece of shit who did this.

And then, like his WWE career, he’ll get bored with rooting in a few days and go back to playing video games. -Eric

MVP Is Gone

It looks like all that fancy gold and jewelry is going back to the pawn shop, because according to Dave Scherer:

WWE released MVP today. It seemed like it was going to happen sooner or later, given the stop/start nature of his push.

I thought WWE really had something when they introduced him, with the whole largest contract ever thing and the Teddy Long interaction and all that. He had a genuine charisma that made it easy to get behind him and hope for success. And then they turned him babyface and everything went to shit. MVP is Carlito Part 2: The Person. – Dusty

Carlito Gone? That’s Not Cool!

Even Cena can't believe this one.

From wwe.com:

WWE Superstar Carlito (Carlos Colon) has been released from his World Wrestling Entertainment contract as of today May 21, 2010. Carlito’s termination was due to his first violation of the WWE Wellness Program and his subsequent refusal to attend a rehabilitation facility.

So I suspect this is more a case of where the person is taking performance enhancing drugs not to enhance their performance, but rather because they do not give a shit. At all. On the Mr. Brightside of things, Carlito can now shuffle on over to TNA, and become their eight million billionth roster member. – Dusty

EDITED TO ADD: It just now occurred to me that John Cena looks like Ashton Kutcher after a steroid sandwich. That dirty fucking hobo is supposed to be the best wrestler going right now. Jesus fucking Christ.

Stunt Granny Audio – NXY Spectacular

It would be more fun to slap Michael Cole in the face if he wore glasses.

Kevin and Jeremy are on vacation so they chose to use their time wisely. They decided that watching and reviewing NXT was a grand idea. The guys give their thoughts on the set up, since neither of them can remember how much coverage we’ve given this show, and how the eliminated contestants fared in their reappearance. Who do they think has a future in the WWE even after getting eliminated and who is toast for the long haul? Find out when you click the link below.

Stunt Granny-NXT Spectacular

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