#ROH Is The Worst Part V

washrinsepweb

There will be a lot of wash, rinse and repeat cycles for Ring of Honor. This topic will hopefully not be repeated. I thought about destroying Davey Richards & referee Paul Turner for what happened at the Border Wars iPPV. Davey Richards botched a double stomp on a returning Paul London. Wrestlers do have things go wrong no matter how good they are in the ring so I’ll give Richards an easy pass. From reading Chris Shore’s report on Prowrestling.net (because I’m not giving ROH money for an iPPV that is almost sure to fuck up), he noticed that London was dazed almost immediately. There was a fairly lengthy delay then Richards & London went with what is assumed to be the planned final of London getting caught with Richards’s knees when attempting a shooting star press. Shore called this stupid which at first I agreed with.

Then I reconsidered because of my own concussion. I was back pedaling for a fly ball in softball and whacked my head. A friend asked me “How many fingers am I holding up?” as he flipped me off. I said “One, asshole” and kept playing. It’s the last thing I remember even though I was involved in the final two outs of the season. According to others, I threw someone out at home and caught a fly ball to wrap up the game. It wasn’t until I came back to my folding chair that everyone noticed I wasn’t fine. I started asking frequently if I had fallen asleep in my chair. At that point, my then wife decided that I needed to be taken to the hospital. I wasn’t in the ring so maybe Richards & Turner talked to him, London responded and they moved on. I’d love to kill them but I can’t.

ROH later found that Paul London did in fact have a concussion from the incident and that all involved proceeded with the planned finish. Chris Shore was even more upset. I understand but it’s hard to know how London reacted unless you were in the ring. These guys are wired to be tough guys also so they do stupid things sometimes putting themselves in trouble. They should be more careful in the future. Now it’s time to watch this week’s show. Let’s see if I can get a second article out of them this week. -Kevin

Ring of Honor e-mail includes posters featuring homeless men pointing at their necks

Yes, Eddie, step one of Arn Anderson Training is to put your thumb there.

As a loyal Ring of Honor fan who has watched about 45 minutes of one Sinclair Broadcasting Group TV show and who purchased his most recent ROH DVD in April 2009 but watched his most recent ROH DVD in, like, January 2009, of course I receive ROH’s weekly e-mails, because how better to keep up with a company with such an identity crisis as, as Austin Aries dubbed it, Smoky Mountain of Honor. (Thank you, Cageside Seats, for ranking high in a Google search for that term.)

Low digital quality, low-rent font, high calories!

So these are the types of show posters I’m treated to, the graphic designs that are supposed to excite me into parting with my money rather than buy lunch a few times this month (although I’m sure there are still ROH fans who will gladly buy PPVs and refuse to skip lunch). Low-resolution pictures of a guy who may or may not be a professional wrestler, chewing on a championship belt, while someone with a fetish for newspaper-letter clippings is holding something or other hostage. Not sold. How about the image at the top of this post? The one with FORMER WORLD CHAMPION Eddie Edwards pointing his thumb to his throat about as threateningly as a baby bunny eating my god damn tomato plants.

“O noes, stuck in ROH steal cage!”

But wait, there’s more!

L to R: A group who couldn’t draw money if their dad was Bob Ross; hot-ass Maria.

These are looking more indy by the minute. And seriously, Roderick Strong? Are you checking your pulse? Because you barely look like you could fog a mirror at this point in your life.

I could make the standard “Kevin Steen taking a dump” joke here, but I’ll aim below the belt and suggest that the person on this poster who looks most like a pro wrestler is god damn 90-year-old Bruno Sammartino. (No offense, @jaybriscoe84)

Finally — and please let this be the image that drives home the point that Ring of Honor has plenty of internal struggles to deal with (namely, hiring someone who uses Adobe Photoshop instead of MS Paint) and not that there’s anything wrong with the wrestlers… except Roderick Strong — here’s a piece of communication wizardy:

Now, ROH, tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to know where to go, when and how to get there, when Lance Fucking Storm is standing in the way??

Once again, I shouldn’t slight the wrestlers so much as I should pick on ROH for its half-assed attempts to promote (and, at times, produce, M I RITE CHRIS SHORE) its live events. But I’m not the only voice here; let’s open this up to the peanut gallery:

Dusty: The only thing dangerous about Bruno is that he is still able to speak.

Jeremy: Could they have made them look cheaper? Roderick even knows this is shit. Oh, and look at the Briscoes, how cute.

Dusty: This has to be the first time in recorded history the Briscoes were described as cute in any way whatsoever.

Kevin: There were wrestlers on those posters? I thought I saw ads and some homeless men who couldn’t afford clothes. Any reason this type of thing can’t be a post with us ripping on one of the posters in particular?

Ask and ye shall receive. -Eric

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