Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Asiana Flight Down Name Faux PauxIf for some reason you didn’t see this botched moment in TV history, head on over to Gawker. It’s too funny. Today has been a good day. No more Idiot Intern at the office. My life will be better. In celebration, I’m drinking a Founder’s Breakfast Stout. Sounds like a good Sippy Time Beer for a review. Let’s roll.

Brad Maddox gets to kick off the show. He announces Ziggler vs Del Rio. So we get the official break up tonight then between him & AJ Lee? John Cena interrupts him. Maddox’s facials kill me. Maddox gives Cena the choice of his opponent at Summerslam. Cena tries to talk him out of it. I wasn’t sure if I had read the end of the PPV results because of the hectic work day. Randy Orton gets the briefcase. They have been trying to re-establish him. A weird twist with Fandango coming to the ring. He tells Orton that he’ll be cashing in on him, not Cena. He then gives Cena a speech lesson. Orton attacks Fandango. Brad Maddox makes it a match. We get a commercial.

Fandango is a good chicken shit heel. JBL calling Fandango a cross of MC Hammer & GSP. The crowd is getting around to chanting random stuff. Orton loves to slow it down. Fandango goes slow into another break. The announcers are really selling Fandango. He’s not going to win. They are really selling a Fandango win except for the camera angle when he gets crotched.  Hanging DDT then an RKO for the win. Dolph Ziggler is walking down a hallway when AJ Lee starts running after him. Dolph tells her it’s time to move. She hugs him. He drops her. Awesome.

We get Mark Henry in a suit again. He is interrupted by The Shield. They circle the ring. I like the slow stalk. Triple power bomb. First significant attack as a trio in a while. That’s another way to keep them fresh as much as they need to be apart.

Brad Maddox gets run down by Chris Jericho. Maddox wants him to impress Cena by taking on RVD. It is official. Alberto Del Rio comes out first. Dolph Ziggler is getting quite the reception. They mention Damien Sandow winning the other MITB match. Kind of a good point since Del Rio is a heel and I don’t feel like they’ve had too many same side attacks. Ziggler is on the outside when we get a break. I’m just enjoying a good match when AJ Lee rings the bell. Ziggler gets kicked in the back of the head for the Del Rio win. AJ slaps Ziggler around until Big E Langston takes him out. I knew that was coming but still well done.

R Truth is showing looks of fore head for some reason. Bray Wyatt lights the lamp. I may have lobbied for Kane to join their group but I’m sure as hell not going to do the same for Truth. I love their entrance music. Piper & Rowan is what I think Mitchell Cool said. Bray grabs a mic and walks into the ring. Bray gets a laugh out of me when he calls himself the “Eater of Worlds”. He faces down R Truth one on one with a chair. Piper & Rowan distract Truth long enough for another beat down. Wyatt finishes him with a Downward Spiral. I’m a little lost after those words. It’s interesting but doesn’t make much sense to me. I’ll let them explain his character more.

The WWE Performance Center opened. It does look pretty cool. The Real Americans come out for their fan vote match. Zeb Colter gets to run his mouth. The Usos get a call from the fans. People seemed impressed by their pre-MITB match with the Shield. The crowd likes chanting “We The People” but not much else for these chumps. Cheap roll up win on Cesaro. I’m not sure why you match those two teams up.

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Stunt Granny Audio #225

Well gang, it looks like Dusty’s audio ban has been lifted, as the Wisconsin Dream joins Kevin Difrango for this action packed edition of Stunt Granny Audio! The duo start things off by talking baseball. Dusty’s A’s are playing Kevin’s Pirates, so there is worlds of intrigue at play here. Why is Bud Selig waiting for the All Star Game to levy fines? Why not wait until Feezil Day? The conversation then turns to the upcoming Money in the Bank PPV spectacular. Who will win the A-team MITB match? Who will be the Shelton Benjamin high spot artist who has no shot of actually winning? Will Kane actually be in the match? (WWE.com says yes, Wikipedia says no. Who can you trust in this day and age?) Then it’s time to talk about the B-teamers match. Kevin realizes there are many guys in the company who are just spinning their wheels. Any one of them could get a win at the PPV to get out of their funk. Dusty breaks some nooz, revealing to Kevin that in addition to the GutCheck guys, Matt Morgan has just been released from TNA. They discuss the possibility of him coming in to WWE. They also talk about the exciting debut of the Wyatt Family and the possibilities of their future use, and Dusty drops a Pat Buchanan reference. And a whole lot more, so listen or you will perish.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #225

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

Ken at KaraokeI was so bummed that Instagram’s 15 second video crapped out on me when Ken was doing Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes. I was going to post that video as a separate post. Instead, we get a picture by yours truly. It’s a bit of a bummer. The video was good. By the way, no more Baby Momma Drama. Awesome. Time to start Raw. Let’s roll.

Wow. Just scrolled down to look at the posts and saw Terry Taylor in a hot tub. I have no idea what Vickie Guerrero just told us because of it. Daniel Bryan kicks off the show. Sheamus, Randy Orton and Kane all have a part in this party. I have to defend Christian‘s mediocrity to the lady. CM Punk does the predictable thing but he does rile up a hornet’s nest. RKO on Kane ends the segment. Cool history review for the titles. That’s what Vickie announced, title vs title. Those matches never come to a finish.

The Shield comes out for a six man tag match. They should have had Christian come out earlier in the opening segment with his match next. The Usos join him again. The Shield on the outside as they break. The Shield has taken over. Jey is taking the beating. Nice of the announcers to barely mention the differences between the Usos. I just remembered the Jey has the pec tattoo. Fun visual with Roman Reigns and one Uso going over the top rope. Dean Ambrose gets a roll up win with some help from Seth Rollins. Daniel Bryan got Kane a rematch with Randy Orton tonight. Bryan is the guest ref.

My boy Dolph Ziggler hits the ring without AJ Lee or Big E Langston. He is taking on Jinder Mahal to pick up an easy win. Mahal does have his clowns with him. The crowd is not behind my boy. Zig Zag. Slater & McIntyre try to attack Ziggler. He uses some flashy moves to get some support and to knock out 3MB.

Brad Maddox finally shows up. Vickie Guerrero is talking about the McMahons when HHH shows up. He gives her more advice. I can’t wait to be snoozed asleep by the other members of the family. The WWE knows how to make a video package.

Kane and Randy Orton are ready to hook it up. I’m glad Daniel Bryan is wearing the ref pants and not his trunks. Bryan rings the bell because Randy Orton put his hands on him. Kane talks Bryan into restarting it. Bryan holds back Orton. Kane gives Orton a big boot. Bryan ends up quick counting for Kane. Bryan & Kane argue. Kane lets go of the choke slam grip. RKO on Bryan. JBL kills me by calling Bryan Rasputin. Interesting character. I’m a bit bummed his assassination is being debunked. It did always sound too brutal to be true.

Paul Heyman and CM Punk talk a little bit about trust. Curtis Axel gets to stand there and look pretty.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

stumped-me-big-timeI pulled a stump out of my brother’s rental property this past weekend. It made me think that I’m stumped about a lot of things these days. How come Baby Momma Drama isn’t living here but still has all of his stuff here. I’m stumped as to why Idiot Intern didn’t say anything today after an impromptu vacation which screwed one of our fellow employees. Or why my employer didn’t say anything for such a blatant disregard of protocol. I’m also stumped as to why we haven’t had a post since my article about local beer. Oh well, fresh content. Let’s roll.

Daniel Bryan comes out to talk about his rubber match with Randy Orton which was weirdly introduced by the announce crew who got jammed in after the walk down and before Bryan started talking. Orton finally comes down. They start the match with a quickness. A promo and match in the opening segment. The WWE can break the cycle sometimes. Of course the match ends shortly after it begins. This match is too big to be on free TV. First time I’ve been interested in Orton in ages.

Brickie is excited. Bryan is pissed about the double DQ. Vickie gives him the match with Orton. Vince McMahon shows up. He makes confusing remarks about Bryan. Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow are waiting in the ring. Sheamus & Christian are their opponents. My woman is not pleased by the match up because it is repetitive. I’m paying more attention to the announcers pontificating about their online shows. I’m not watching your extra shit. Brogue Kick. Snooze.

Is CM Punk rocking Beats by Dre? Yes he is. Punk has a match but against an unnamed opponent. Kaitlyn is taking on Aksana. They’re on a tear showing. Hey, funny what a concerted effort can do (Edit: For the women’s division. The WWE has featured them since right before Payback). AJ Lee goes for the fake outfit. I guess it’d be redundant for her to use a midget. Kaitlyn with a spear. AJ’s taunt backfires. The reenactment (Edit: of Kaitlyn’s gullibility) is lame until AJ cracks the joke about Kaitlyn’s voice. I’m not sure why Layla isn’t letting Kaitlyn beat the hell out of AJ. All of this content is being made by the WWE but the Wyatts’ can’t get a fresh vignette?

We go back thru Henry’s promo. I still don’t know how people bit on that segment. They started it with a Tweet! Damn fine work anyway. Chris Jericho comes out. Alberto Del Rio comes out after the break. Nothing happens even on the mics before the next break. They both love the enziguri. Jericho is really working up a lather. He isn’t looking like Bon Jovi right now. I don’t know if I still see what the WWE does in Del Rio, but he’s been marginally better so far in this heel incarnation. Jericho turns a cross arm breaker into the Walls of Jericho. Slick. Ricardo attacks. Dolph Ziggler attacks Del Rio as Jericho attacks Ricardo. Ziggler Zig Zags Del Rio & Jericho. What does happen to the AJ & Dolph partnership? No mention if they stay apart? Brickie is talking when HHH arrives. The power struggle continues. HHH does make a good point, Brad Maddox wears his dress shirts awfully tight.

My woman and I wonder about the Sheamus commercial which has the old lady trying to molest him? I mean, assault is too strong. There isn’t any other way to construe that, right? Kid’s programming, right? Vickie Guerrero & Jerry Lawler bicker over their sponsor that is getting a big old commercial right now. Vickie has all three McMahon’s on her cover. Maddox presents himself with John Cena & CM Punk. Nice. Of course it’s the Rock. Good for him.

Ryback gets to beat the king of main event jobbers, the Great Khali. Only interesting part of the match is the double march before his weak ass Shellshock.

John Cena comes out to give us a history lesson. It leads to his point that Mark Henry made a mockery of people who had to retire. I liked it but the ending was weak. My Time is Now? Really? I know it’s on your shirt but it’s a bad catch phrase. Some paid gave money to Sandy Relief to be part of the Funkasaurus entrance. Good for him.

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56 Days of WrestleMania – WrestleMania X-Seven’s Best Matches: Results

http://www.dailymotion.com/us/relevance/search/wrestlemania+x-seven+tlc/1#video=x46nes

http://www.dailymotion.com/us/relevance/search/wrestlemania+x-seven+tlc/1#video=x46nec

http://www.dailymotion.com/us/relevance/search/wrestlemania+x-seven+tlc/1#video=x46nko

Leave it to the Stunt Galaxy: This year’s version of Edge & Christian vs. Hardy Boys vs. Dudley Boys made it, as did the Gimmick Battle Royal. You truly are ones-of-a-kind. (And you’re right; as good as Undertaker vs. Triple H and Steve Austin vs. Rock were, tell me you weren’t on the edge of your seat for the entire battle royal. You were.)

56 Days of WrestleMania – WrestleMania 2000’s Best Matches: Results

No shocker here: The follow-up to October 1999’s great ladder match between the Hardy Boys and Edge & Christian would set the stage for incredible triple threat action for the next 12 months, to include the Dudley Boys as well. As for the other winner, you try spending more than 5 minutes at work searching for “terri runnels kat” and see what you find. Use your imagination on that one, weirdos.

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I had to make some dinner tonight. That isn’t a picture of what I made, but it’s close. I made some whole grain pasta with fennel, red onion and zucchini with pesto sauce. (Edit: Forgot that I added chicken sausage with spinach and asiago cheese.) It kept me from getting started anywhere close to on time. Starting at 9:45 is not a great plan, but it’s better than midnight. Let’s roll.

CM Punk takes on Big Show to start the show. How dare the WWE start without a talking segment? Daniel Bryan deserves a slot evidently in the WWE Title match. You had to know some type of angle was going to lead to a bad finish. Bryan ends up attacking Punk. I’m guessing we have our main event tonight. Nice little tag team match. Punk is pissed at John Cena for saving him. No big shock that AJ bounces her way down to the ring and makes the match. She should really stop skipping with the power woman suits on.

JTG is bitchin’ to Kaitlyn about not getting air time. Twitter complaints work for burying someone. They do have three hours which they should use more wisely than they do. Ryback is JTG’s opponent. I’m so tempted to FF. I did it for his entrance. Did I mention that JTG looks terrible in trunks? Why does it sound like Jerry Lawler is being broadcast to the entire arena. Ryback wins another squash. The crowd loves him. I’m pretty bored with him. Piper’s Pit gets put to a vote.

“Rowdy” Roddy Piper is not really talking to himself but to Shawn Michaels. Shawn gets an imaginary phone call from HHH.  Heath Slater is getting more mic time. R Truth comes out. Weird match. Even my girl is wondering why Truth is in a singles match since he’s in a tag team. She knows more than WWE writers at this point. Downward Spiral pretty much out of no where for an R Truth win. Um, okay. The Prime Time Players show up. Oh, Mitchell Cool mentioned that Kofi was out earlier. I’ve already tuned him out less than an hour into the show. PTP’s shirts would go better with their tights if they weren’t heather black. (Edit: Their act will be no different without AW.)

I’m showing my girl pictures of McKayla Maroney not being impressed as they review Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio. Booker called off the match for Del Rio. Del Rio has a corntract (Edit: Not a spelling mistake. Isn’t this guy supposed to be learned and above everyone? Shouldn’t he be able to say contract?) and Booker can’t take that away from him. Sin Cara comes out for this boring break.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

I’m running on five hours of sleep. It took me a bit longer to get back to Columbus than I would have liked. Mostly my fault so I don’t have anyone to blame but the guy behind the lap top. Oh well, that should make this review a bit more interesting than normal. Let’s roll.

I must have been the guy setting up the pyro rig. Time to FF already. I’m glad I tape this puppy already. CM Punk comes out and gets mostly cheers until he grabs a mic. He talks about Lawler’s closing words. Punk does a fantastic job explaining himself and why he attacked the Rock. The Big Show comes out to stick his big nose into the business. Lawler is flabbergasted. Why? Explain yourself. I tune out Show because even with his renewed push, he’s a joke. He may have finally had a Wrestlemania moment but it’s been all down hill since then. The heel turn may have put a little spice on his resume going heel but that is about it. John Cena attacks Big Show who dumps out of the ring. AJ Lee then comes out in a mini-Stephanie McMahon woman’s power outfit. Winner of Show vs Cena gets Punk at Summerslam. Wait, did a GM just make a match and leave? Should I have hope? Not yet.

Daniel Bryan goes to the GM door and walks away. Santino Marella comes to the ring. I FF thru Alberto Del Rio‘s entrance. I guess they couldn’t find an expensive car in Cincy. What, you’re expecting a joke out of me? Too many to chose from. Why are these two guys getting a commercial break match? Del Rio slaps on the arm bar shortly after the break. The match should have ended before the break. Del Rio isn’t competing because everyone is beneath him. Thank you WWE for doing something right. Bryan is still waiting at the door.

I FF thru the Funkasaurus‘s entrance. I do listen to Vickie Guerrero. The dance is terrible, not in a good way. Damien Sandow interrupts because someone who isn’t over needs more screen time. I do like Sandow’s offense except for his weak ass finisher. We get a long camera shot of him because the WWE has no idea what to do with three hours of TV. They review Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho.

Bryan finally goes into AJ‘s office. He starts to run her down then she stops him in his tracks. She is the only person to re-watch Raw. AJ gives him a clean slate by booking a match with Sheamus for him. More review of HHH & Brock Lesnar because the WWE has no idea what to do with three hours. Sheamus is fine with whatever stipulations versus Bryan, as he should be. Bryan is starting his de-push.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Review of @WWE #Raw1000

As Jeremy so eloquently put it, tonight starts my descent into madness. No, not the Aurora variety madness but the kind that makes me want to throw my lap top against a wall kind of madness. Tonight will likely be a very good, packed show. The writing will fall apart after tonight though. As for the poll below, I voted for “It doesn’t matter, the title was rendered meaningless long ago.” I’m not sure it was a long time ago but I had been long harping on the meaninglessness of the IC, US, Tag Team & Women’s Title. For some reason, since main event level guys held the belt, I didn’t think about it being meaningless. It is though. Mostly because as another choice point out “It doesn’t matter, John Cena is basically “the champ” anyway.” So, CM Punk may be merch champ and putting on spectacular matches, but you can tell the WWE doesn’t really favor him. Or even Sheamus. Enough editorial, time to do it during the review.

And just so you know, this is our 1850 post. Beat that WWE! We get a retrospective of Raw. It was a nice enough video package. Vince McMahon comes out first. I didn’t listen to his special email message that he sent out. Why is the chairman introducing Degeneration X? I’m guessing everyone else on the internet asked this question. They’re rebels who don’t, aw, you get it right? Even the video package accompanying their entrance seems lame. Shawn Michaels acts out of breath and really stupid. HHH checks for his underwear too. They introduce Road Dogg, Billy Gunn and X Pac. Gunn & Michaels get cutesy with another line. Damien Sandow interrupts the proceedings. You aren’t going to save us. We’re going to get this dreck for the rest of the three hours tonight and in the future. What did I type earlier? This episode would be fine? I’m taking that back already. They still have two words for us. Yuck. Time to get drunk.

I miss Jim Ross coming out because I wanted to get cake for my girl. Wink, wink. Rey Mysterio comes out before he can say a word. He’s teaming with the botch machine Sin Cara. Sheamus is on the team too. We can’t have too many matches tonight so let’s have huge tag team matches! Chris Jericho is still a heel by being on their team. Dolph Ziggler is out the chute next then Alberto Del Rio. Then a commercial.

Ziggler starts off against Sin Cara. Oh, by the way, no animosity between Mitchell Cool and Ross. Stupidity central. My vote is Jericho costing Ziggler and his team the match. Looks like Ziggler is going to cost Jericho the match. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick. Not much of a match. What? JR is only calling one match? Fuck off WWE.

Why an I watching these dumb videos? I still don’t care about Tout. Charlie Sheen is hosting from Las Vegas. I’m glad he can Skype so we can plug something else. I buzzed through the replay of AJ & Daniel Bryan from last week. AJ then gets to talk to Layla. Of course dumb shit is happening outside of their locker room door. Kill me. The hand is grown up. Shouldn’t it be half black? Mark Henry was the father.

Sonic gets pimped. Why would wrestling be important during the 1000 Raw? Jack Swagger gets to lose to the Funkasaurus. Another match that doesn’t matter. Shazam app. Clay gets to introduce Dude Love. Splat was an accurate description from Cool. Swagger gets the Mandible Claw with the mandatory gullet use. Trish Stratus gets to talk yoga to HHH. We’re supposed to laugh again. We don’t.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live & Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

My boy Andrew McCutchen kept me from starting Raw on time. He didn’t do so well in the Home Run Derby. That’s OK as long as he keeps hitting the way he is right now when it counts. No peanut gallery today. Back to me and my lap top. Let’s roll.

AJ gets the opening rewind segment and gets to open the mic work. She doesn’t do much except intro CM Punk. Damn, is she doing a convincing crazy. And she’s carrying the mic load with Punk in the ring. AJ proposes. Punk has an outstanding reaction. Daniel Bryan comes running out to answer for Punk. Bryan tries to get Punk to accept her proposal to turn the tables. Goat Boy proposes to AJ. Punk points out the obvious that Bryan doesn’t have a ring. Can we please just make Mitchell Cool the Raw GM and get him out of the booth? The WWE could help everyone out by doing that. Eve Torres, the flavor of last month, gets to team with Bryan. Are we to believe it’s the same mystery GM? Since they didn’t have a reveal last time, are they expecting us to want a resolution to the whole fiasco? Because I could give a fuck less. AJ gets to close the segment by teasing a future husband.

Sheamus is taking on Jack Swagger. It’s a squash match. There is no reason to believe Alberto Del Rio can win on Sunday. Have him attack Sheamus from now until Sunday and I still won’t buy Del Rio winning the title. Del Rio cuts another average promo to keep us wondering why the WWE has faith in this guy. Santino Marella is talking to Zack Ryder. Great, the GM is in the building and Santino is going to find him or her. I can’t wait for the dumb skits to continue. (If you can’t read the sarcasm in the last two sentences, you’re a dunce.)

Since they have so many replays to play, none of the participants in this tag match get an introduction. So we know they’re all important. Dolph Ziggler & Tensai are taking on Christian & Tyson Kidd. Tensai gets a much needed win over Christian. What’s the purpose of the match? Tensai power bombs Kidd on the apron. I guess we’re in rebuild Tensai mode now? We’re to believe they’re going to choose a GM at the 1000th Raw. Cool refuses to read the email so Jerry Lawler does the honors. So instead of sinking time into the guys in the PPV, we get a Lawler vs Cool rematch.

I almost catch up by FF thru the Funkasaurus‘s entrance. Drew McIntyre gets squashed. What is the total match time so far? Under two minutes? Cool selling us on wanting to see the crap instead of wrestling. Santino gets to be unfunny with Chris Jericho. Big Show salvages the segment.

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