Headlines: Estimated buys for TNA Slammiversary, Chris Jericho to get Canadian “sitcom,” @CrrankyVince is back!

Make that 15 thousand and TWO!

According to Gerweck.net (hey, it’s storming out and I can’t sleep, so I’m trolling), estimated buys for TNA Slammiversary are in (courtesy Wrestling Observer Newsletter), and they’re about as pretty as Dixie Carter spread eagle on a bed of Abyss posters: Around 15,000 legally purchased the event, while countless others illegally streamed it online, and another bazillion people had been made to feel like god damn fools for ever paying attention to this company and didn’t even bother to steal it. The thing is, I caught last week’s Impact, and I liked it. One week down, 519 more weeks to go until we’re even, TNA.

According to SEScoops.com (hey, I have a gas bubble and I can’t sleep), Chris Jericho will begin work on a new scripted Internet drama, “But I’m Chris Jericho.” The format appears to be 4-minute episodes, with 10 episodes planned, written by some guys from Canada. One can only hope this falls somewhere between IFC’s “Portlandia” and Colt Cabana’s “Creative Has Nothing For You” on the Laff-o-Meter (where “Portlandia” is “good”).

Finally, in the best news I’ve heard since TNA only got 15K buys for its second-biggest show of the year, Cranky Vince is back!!! For those of you who enjoyed the @CrankyVince parody Twitter account before the soulless, humorless thugs of WWE abused their relationship with Twitter to have the account suspended, hold your breath in petulant 4-year-old anger no more! You can now follow “Vince” again @CrrankyVince. Who really knows if this account is run by the same genius behind the original Cranky Vince, but it’s here, it’s probably accurate, and it’s in all caps, so quit belly-aching and start following!

Oh yes: Chris Hero added to FCW roster under the name Kassius Ohno

(L to R) The yet-to-be-hired Ricky Steamboat, Jr., Kassius Ohno, the soon-to-be-fired Evan Bourne, the smaller-than-Evan-Bourne PAC.

According to Prowrestling.net, Chris Hero, indy darling who finally signed on with WWE after months of medical clearances and haggling with Triple H about cutting his ratty hair, has been added to the Florida Championship Wrestling roster under the name Kassius Ohno.

Look, WWE, we’re not stupid. We know you enjoy renaming wrestlers whose characters you didn’t create as a doodle on your seamstress’ sketchpad while Cranky Vince McMahon tried to finger her – with CM Punk being one of very few exceptions. And you love using the lesser-known aliases of ex-WWE wrestlers or other recognizable athletes – Santino Marella after Bob “Gorilla Monsoon” Marella, Khosrow Daivari after Khosrow “Iron Sheik” Vasiri, and the one that I’m sure kept you up all night, Kenny Dykstra after Lenny Dykstra. I even offered a few names for Hero at the PWTorch.com VIP Forum:

Parker Peter
Bruce Bannnnner
Bruce Mitchell
Bruce Sammartino
Braden Walker
Chris Weiner
Chris Doubledeedoo
Chris Morneau
Chris Kennedy (if he’s smart, he’ll pick that, then cut his hair)

But Kassius Ohno takes the fucking cake. This may be the most bizarre name a white man on the WWE roster has ever had. Is it a play on Cassius Clay, the current Muhammad Ali? He’d be touched. Is it a play off former WCW stereotype Sonny Onoo? He’d be touched, if you gave him $500 and a ride from Mason City, Iowa, to Albert Lea, Minn. So let’s save a post and allow me to wish Ohno the best in his future 2013 endeavors. -Eric

"Hey, nip me, pay me!"

UPDATE: Jeremy just asked me, “Is ‘Ohno’ even an Asian name?” That caused me to think of Apolo Ohno, the speed or figure skater, whatever he is. In pop culture, Ohno is a revered sporting name that will go down in the annals of athletic history with Wepner, Strawberry and Beefcake. In pro wrestling, a slight alteration of the spelling makes me think of the weaselly, photo-snapping tourist. To-may-to, to-mah-to.

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