Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

From wikihow.com for cheating on a math test.

From wikihow.com for cheating on a math test.

I was surprised at how many people thought it was surprising that John Cena won. Though the WWE has done a good job of building up Daniel Bryan, they haven’t really built up any of the other new Superstars to the level that they could win the WWE Title. Another era of John Cena begin. Let’s roll.

HHH & Steph come out and look happy. Steph babbles about Seth Rollins and his big win. HHH tells us that John Cena was always an A+ player. He then introduces Cena. Let’s hope he doesn’t shake hands with them. They didn’t. Congrats. Steph gives him the big roll out for WWE 2K15 with Cena looking quizzical. Cena calls them out on their looks from last night. HHH plays white rapper which I find funny for some reason. HHH then throws down the veiled threat. HHH gives him the hard way at Battleground. It’s a Fatal 4 Way match. Randy Orton & Kane will be taking on Cena & Roman Reigns. HHH tells Cena that there’s always a Plan B if he survives the Fatal 4 Way. Seth Rollins comes out while Stephanie looks like a troll.

RVD is taking on Seth Rollins. RVD gets to continue his job tour for the WWE. (Next Day Note: I make RVD sound like an idiot for coming back for the same reasons Chris Jericho did later. Smart idea by RVD to be a stepping stone too.) RVD gets the upper hand with an enziguri after the early exchanges. RVD shoulder blocks him in the back. RVD continues to work the back over. Rollins regroups outside and catches RVD unaware. Break. Rollins counters into a single leg crab. Still think that move is stupid. RVD kicks Rollins in the jaw. Rolling Thunder on the back. Most psychology by RVD in a while. Split legged moonsault continues the work on the back. Rollins gets thrown into the turn buckles with a head scissors take over. RVD nails Rollins with a cross body to the floor. Rollins Dragon Screw leg whips RVD while he’s in the ropes. Curb Stomp for the victory. Rollins wants to be called the right thing. He’s Mr. MITB. I wasn’t wrong Seth. I picked you to win. Sometimes in wrestling there are hijinks. Dean Ambrose interrupts him. Dean tells him Kane was Plan B because Rollins’s Plan A didn’t work. Ambrose tells him he’ll be there any time he tries to cash in the briefcase. Smart move on his part.

Rusev comes out with Lana. Please let there be no promo. Crap, in ring promo. America is used to failure. No one can stop Rusev. Jack Swagger‘s music hits. Awesome! They should come down according to their own words. Zeb Colter is defending our country. He gives us a free speech brush up. They are taking advantage of our freedoms. I’m guessing Swagger loses but a win here would be welcome. We The People! Working better with the crowd already than Big E did. A pair of arm drags to make Rusev run? Really. I’m glad they’re not rushing it either. Let this happen at your all too soon next PPV. (Next Day Note: The WWE tries to work in shades of gray more these days but they still usually book a baby face vs a heel. This angle though is a perfect shade of gray. Plus I feel like heels should hate each other more than baby faces. The later could do more of a UFC respect thing.)

Winning from captiveinternational.com

Winning from captiveinternational.com

Sheamus is in the ring and awaiting the introduction of the Usos. They are taking on the Wyatt Family. People enjoy the entrance but it’s catch up time for me. Jey starts against Erick Rowan. Jimmy comes in for double team action. Break because of the entrance.  Jimmy & Rowan are in the match still. Bray Wyatt splashes Jimmy in the corner with some help. Luke Harper comes in quickly. Jimmy hits Whisper In The Wind. Sheamus battles Rowan. Sheamus does Ten Beats. Sheamus double shoulder blocks Harper & Rowan on the outside from the top rope. Wyatt distracts Sheamus. Rowan knocks him out of the ring. Harper gives Sheamus a big boot in the mush. Poor Mitchell Cool trying to sell that dumb Sgt. Slaughter move still. Sheamus kicks Wyatt who fires back with an uppercut. Super kick by Harper. Sheamus with a back breaker. Jey starts to clean house. Flying Uso who cleared by a lot today. Super kick by Jey leads to a two. Exchange of finishers. Jey gets hit by the Harper clothes line for the win. Much needed win for the threesome after all losing last night. Who is this announcer? Tom is his name. Nikki didn’t think she made a mistake last night. She gets to take on the Funkadactyls by herself next. Did Steph happen to be extremely close or that they knew when Nikki would be interviewed? If it’s the later, how since matches aren’t determined?

Bo Dallas has a moment of silence for Daniel Bryan and Bad News Barrett. The crowd stays a little too quiet. Jerry Lawler makes a lot of Bo jokes. Don’t stop Bo-lieving. Nikki is miraculously ready to go including hat cutely crooked. Big threat there Steph. Cameron & Naomi come out. Why would anyone think this is a problem since the Funkadactyls have had their own problems? Cameron starts out. Face buster by Nikki. Naomi tags herself in. Nikki tries to jump her but gets kicked in the head. Naomi with the Final Cut for the win. Cameron steps to Naomi after the match. Charles Robinson knows how to chill bitches out like Ringo.

Wade Barrett has a separated shoulder. The IC Title is vacant. It will be determined by battle royal at Battleground. Yuck. We have seen entirely too many battle royals lately. Paul Heyman introduces Cesaro as the next IC Champion. I could handle that. His opponent is Kofi Kingston who gets an inset promo. We’re supposed to believe he has a chance at the title. Cross body by Kofi early. He monkey flips Cesaro thru the ropes. Flip dive to the outside by Kofi. The announcers have been pushing the Network harder than normal in my opinion. I like Cesaro’s gear. I might have missed it last night. Cesaro does away with the Swing. Kofi head scissors into a victory roll. Uppercut to the back by Cesaro leads to a break. Kingston beat Cesaro during the break. (Next Day Note: This would have been a perfect spot last night to confirm my suspicion that they were pimping the Network more than normal. Having a match finish during the break is a perfect way to do it.) Cesaro starts Kofi around ring side. This could work better than a victory. Cesaro drags Kofi by the hair. Cesaro repeatedly slams Kofi into the ring post chest first. Cesaro turns him inside out with a clothes line. Nice old school beat down. Not good to hear that Michael Cole is down. Santino is talking to Cobra when Adam Rose comes in to pimp Twisted Tea. Cole dusts himself off and says he can continue.

Damien Sandow comes out as Vince McMahon. He starts using McMahon’s catch phrases. Ending with “You’re fired!” Stephanie is pissed. The Great Khali is his opponent. Chop to the head for the win. Quick & painless. Evidently there were rumors about someone all day. I had no idea.

The Miz is back and dressed all in white. He just finished Marine 4. I’m sure it’s great. They should be playing this up if they want him to mean something. It’ll freshen up his character. Similar to what his gimmick was. Chris Jericho interrupts his speech. I have enjoyed his podcast most of the wrestlers so far. Even if they sound more poorly recorded than ours. The Miz isn’t phased. Jericho gives him the Code Breaker. Before it becomes Raw Is Jericho, the Wyatts hit the ring. Jericho loves doing jobs to get people over. God bless him. He gets it. A beat down occurred ending with Sister Abigail. Did I even need to type that?

Fandango is taking on Dolph Ziggler who will be on Main Event against Cesaro too. I hope Chris gets that watched tomorrow. Fandango stomps away but starts gyrating. Ziggler doesn’t take advantage. Layla kisses Fandango. It has been a lively crowd tonight. Summer Rae walks into the middle of the ring and kisses Ziggler. Fandango is a little pissed. Ziggler kisses Summer. Zig Zag while Fandango is distracted. JBL “I think Ziggler got a win win tonight.” Amen.

Will Dolph Ziggler get a new valet? from fanpop.com

Will Dolph Ziggler get a new valet? from fanpop.com

Stardust & Goldust are taking on Rybaxel again. WWE, we need two more tag teams. I’m just saying, it’d help. Put Titus O’Neil back in one. I can’t remember if Darren Young got cut. Goldust starts against Curtis Axel. Ryback comes in on a sneak tag. Ryback uses power to domionate Goldust. Spine buster on an attempted Meat Hook. Stardust & Axel come in. Tucked DDT by Stardust. He hits a Reverse Downward Spiral for the win. JBL is selling the crazy angle.

Paige is in the ring and gets a mic. She is a woman of few words. She talks about her nay sayers. Last night put that story line to sleep. AJ Lee comes back. It’s been quite a night. She admits that Paige was right. Lee still manages to toot her own horn. She needed a slap of reality. Paige isn’t as dumb as AJ thinks. For some reason, Paige leaves it up to the crowd to determine the match although Lee brings it home. Mike Chioda magically appears. Paige boots Lee in the face. Paige head butts her. Clothesline by Paige. Small package and AJ wins. Interesting turn of events. No reason she shouldn’t have kicked out of that. Why the announcers are happy for AJ is a mystery to me.

Main event introductions are always optional. Should be caught up at the very end. John Cena starts against Randy Orton. After some jockeying, Roman Reigns is tagged in. Orton tags in Kane. Orton is in control after the break. Reigns turns it around with a jumping clothes line. Kane blocks the apron drop kick. Orton catches Reigns by surprise. They continue to work over Reigns. Orton extinguishes a tag attempt. Reigns boots Kane. They trade upper cuts. Samoan Drop by Reigns. Cena is in against Orton.  Shoulder blocks. Five Knuckle Shuffle. Kane gets in. Five Knuckle Shuffle. RKO. Reigns tosses Orton out. Superman punch on Kane. Reigns & Orton fight to the back. Cena gets tossed into the steps. Is that part of the Five Moves of Doom? Kane hits Cena with the stairs for the DQ. Tombstone to make us think Kane has a chance in the Fatal 4 Way. I still don’t believe. Charles Robinson calls for the doctors. Seth Rollins music hits. Did everyone forget about Ambrose? (Next Day Note: I’m still confused how Rollins, HHH and Randy Orton can all forget about Ambrose.) Dean fights Rollins through the crowd. The ref correctly pointing in that Cena was hurt. Reigns comes back to spear Kane. Reigns stares down HHH. Good Summerslam match. The stare down stops my DVR. I didn’t feel like going to USA. – Kevin

#WWE Money In The Bank Preview

The Federal Reserves vault of coins. From npr.org.

The Federal Reserves vault of coins. From npr.org.

Money In The Bank Contract MatchKofi Kingston vs RVD vs Dolph Ziggler vs Seth Rollins vs Dean Ambrose vs Wade Barrett vs Jack Swagger – If I were the WWE, this match would be the opener. What better way to keep the Championship match winner on his toes than to open up the PPV with this one? Let’s start a process of elimination for winners. Wade Barrett seems to have been injured at this week’s Smackdown taping but as of now the final diagnosis hasn’t been given. It has been rumored as fairly significant by Bleacher Report. I agree with them that he could have been a potential winner in this match. Even if it’s only a minor injury, it seems bad enough to keep him out of the PPV so he’s out. Kofi Kingston is there for his spot and that’s all. RVD was the butt end of 2005 jokes by Seth Rollins this week. That’s exactly why he isn’t winning this match. RVD isn’t on the level to get one last run. Jack Swagger is there because the announcers can say he was a former World Champion. It’s pretty easy to whack those four. I made an argument this week on Stunt Granny Audio 260 that I don’t think Seth Rollins is going to win it. I believe that Dean Ambrose will cost him. Jeremy picked Ambrose to win it. But there could be a scenario that Dolph Ziggler takes advantage of the two warring Shield members and grabs the case. I doubt that happens though. I’m going against my own instincts and picking Seth Rollins. He seems like he’ll hold it over people’s heads for a while and then cash it in down the line.

Summer Rae vs Layla with special guest referee Fandango – I would imagine the WWE will book a breather match after a ladder match. A women’s match that was made on Main Event and confirmed on Smackdown is the perfect answer. I still have no idea who I’m supposed to cheer for. Summer Rae is a heel on Total Divas, NXT (Thanks for the write ups Chris), Raw and Smackdown. Layla is a heel with a heel partner in Fandango. Summer Rae & LAyla have gone back and forth with catty trashings so I can’t even guess with even steven booking rules. I’ll go with Total Divas rules, Summer Rae wins.

Rusev vs Big E – I’m supposed to care that Big E is from the US. I’m supposed hate Rusev because he is “Russian” even though he has a Bulgarian flag on his shoulder. I’m supposed to find Lana hot. That part has been accomplished by the WWE. The other two parts are are unfulfilled. This match should be that of two power houses colliding but is just a match with no real stakes. Big E has had a downward trajectory since winning the Intercontinental Title. Rusev has gone nowhere quick. The WWE hasn’t fed him anyone of consequence. If they felt he was catching on, he could have beaten Dolph Ziggler, the Great Khali or Mark Henry. I think Rusev still has enough new toy shine on him to get the win. Congratulations, every male will still just care about Lana.

Luke Harper & Erick Rowan vs The Usos for the Tag Team Titles – I think the WWE will only book title matches back to back on this PPV at the very end since the Divas Title doesn’t really count. After a couple of snooze worthy match ups, we get what should be the third best match of the night. The Usos have gotten themselves over well. Harper is starting to separate himself from being in Bray Wyatt’s shadow. Erick Rowan is still in Wyatt and Harper’s shadow. I think that’s precisely why the Wyatt Family will win this match. The Usos can recover from a loss. They might even be able to move on as singles competitors since that is the WWE way. For the time being, Rowan is dependent on Harper and to help push the Wyatt agenda of taking over the WWE, they win the tag team straps.

Stardust & Goldust vs Rybaxel – This match was added on Smackdown also. I’m getting a kick out of Cody Rhodes re-inventing himself yet again. We had The Legacy version of him, “Dashing” Cody, “Old School” Cody with the white strap on the IC Title, Rhodes Scholar with a brief appearance of mustache Cody, straight man to Goldust and now Stardust. The guy knows how to keep himself on TV. Ryback & Curtis Axel are just window dressing in this match. They could take a page out of Cody’s book and re-invent themselves with some gimmick. Or they could pull a Goldust and find a persona that Vince loves so much that he uses him over three decades. Whatever Rybaxel does in the future is immaterial for the time being. Stardust & Goldust win this one easily.

Naomi vs Paige for the Divas Title – Naomi looked like she was on her way to a championship reign when Aksana decided to bring that to a halt with an errant knee to the orbital bone. She hasn’t gotten much traction since her return to the ring. Paige is starting to get a following. Having her duel with Cameron on the head sets this past week was a middle of the road effort. Cameron had no leg to stand on with her arguments since Paige had already beaten her twice. It’s hard to come up with trash talk other than “I beat you twice” when you’ve made a person tap on both occasions. I think Naomi’s drought for the title would play out much better if Cameron costs her the match tonight so that Paige retains. Naomi and Cameron can have a feud then Naomi and Paige can meet up later down the line.

Money In The Bank WWE Title MatchKane vs Sheamus vs Alberto Del Rio vs Cesaro vs Roman Reigns vs John Cena vs Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt – This match has about the same possibilities of the other ladder match. Though I’d be less surprised by some of the winners in this situation. Alberto Del Rio is not one of those options though. Neither is Kane. I wouldn’t be completely shocked if Sheamus won it but I don’t think it’s his time right now. Randy Orton is a possibility but he hasn’t really gotten TV time recently so I don’t think he’s going to win it either. I’d give Cesaro more of a chance to capture the WWE Title than Dolph Ziggler of winning the contract but I still think it’s a little early in his push for the top for that to happen. It’d also create and awkward spot for Heyman who continues to appropriately mention his other client, Brock Lesnar. Bray Wyatt has a real chance to win but much like Cesaro, it seems early in his run. He has the possibility of the rest of the Wyatt Family to help him win the title since these types of matches are no DQ. The WWE doesn’t tend to have that determine a title victor of this magnitude though. Harper & Rowan may interfere but I think the other contestants bounce them in prompt fashion. Roman Reigns has been getting some big moments from Summerslam, Survivor Series and the Royal Rumble. Could this be his big crowning acheivement? It’s possible but like many of the competitors in this match his relative inexperience, especially on the mic, I don’t think he’s getting the strap. That leaves me with John Cena. I don’t like that pick but he seems the most logical to me. I would think a strong heel would be best in this situation so that whenever Daniel Bryan returns, he can feud with them but the WWE is fresh out of those guys unless you count Orton. The WWE though loves dueling chants so we’ll have John Cena vs Daniel Bryan sooner rather than later.

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

20140607_111246I spent the past weekend in Richmond VA visiting with my older brother and his family. I will fill in the particulars later in the week but let’s just say I definitely went to a pair of breweries thanks to his hospitality. I did manage to squeeze in Smackdown then Impact Wrestling after we got home from the trip. There were only two memorable things between the shows. One was my boy Dolph Ziggler continuing his “big mouth” persona and having a great match against the newly turned heel Seth Rollins. I also enjoyed that Rollins, HHH and Orton didn’t spill the bag on the reasoning for the turn. Another small positive from the show was that neither Dean Ambrose or Roman Reigns showed up. TNA yet again showed how inept they are by cruising into a rating under 1 million people. The only positive in yet another train wreck of a show was James Storm making a re-appearance after a year plus hiatus. Ken Anderson has been doing some terrible work and Storm got to call him out on it. Like many TNA story lines though, Storm looks awesome and likeable as the heel and Anderson looks like a douche as a baby face. On to Raw now. Let’s roll.

Sometime after I wrote this introduction, news started to trickle out that Daniel Bryan is too hurt to compete at MITB. HHH & Steph are here are brag about being right. They give us footage of Dr. Joseph Maroon of telling us that Daniel Bryan can not compete. I had to look up images of Maroon and they actually got him to do that video. How much did they pay him for his time? Steph strips him of the title. They are really hamming up this angle up. The crowd is really flat. Alberto Del Rio is the first entrant into the match for the title. HHH informs us that Randy Orton gets a spot because of his status. I’m starting to think the crowd is bummed. Anyone who loves wrestling should be. No matter how much they make logical points, Bryan being out of wrestling sucks. HHH turns to Seth Rollins talk. They are in a match against the Wyatt Family with a partner of their choosing. That doesn’t get much heat either.

Sheamus vs Wade Barrett is a MITB qualifying match. These guys have fought a lot recently and I can’t really argue about it. His Bad News is that he’s coming down with the title. That’s not bad news! JBL sounds like he’s drunk already. It could be an interesting night. He figured the opening segment bombed with the crowd so he’d join in. I do feel like Barrett is getting some of the swagger back in his promos recently. Sheamus clubs away on Barrett. He then brings Barrett in the hard way. Sheamus cross body blocks them over the top rope to get the break. Barrett suplexes Sheamus. I guess I don’t understand Jerry Lawler & Michael Cole’s view point on the title stripping. Sure, it’s disrespectful to strip the title without informing him but at the end of the day, it’s the right move with the injury. Barrett hits Winds of Change for a two count. The crowds awakens with dueling chants. Sheamus misses a dive from the top rope to the barricade. Sheamus gets in at nine. Wasteland but Sheamus kicks out. White Noise from an attempted Bull Hammer Elbow. They exchange punches. Head butt by Barrett allows him to toss Sheamus into the post twice. Brogue Kick from the corner for the win. Sheamus sold the damage in the corner before pinning him. Another good match and I understand putting Sheamus into the spot. Let Barrett keep racking up wins on lesser opponents. Barrett should be in that picture soon if he keeps up. Luke Harper sometimes get urges from a deep, dark place. Bray Wyatt admits to his urges. Wyatt reminds us that the Wyatts beat them. Wyatt is reborn. I love that angle which started on Smackdown. (Next Day Note: With all of the religious words thrown around Wyatt’s promos, being reborn after a crushing defeat is perfect. Now he just has to win an extended feud.)

Lana comes out and runs down Obama as a girly man. He is no Vladmir Putin, who has wrestled bears. Crush! is so stupid. Crush was only cool in Finding Nemo, dude. Lana, we don’t need to worry about Mother Russia. We should continue to be worried about China. It’s going to help to name him simply Rusev. Yep, going to make all of the difference. Zack Ryder gets to lose to him again. His record is unblemished because he’s wrestled 3 guys a bunch of times. The Accolade. The whole “control” by Lana is very antiquated too.

Goldust is teaming with R Truth against Rybaxel. Truth starts against Ryback. Curtis Axel takes over on the early beat down. Goldust gets a luke warm tag. A crossbody by Goldust takes out Axel & Ryback. Ryback makes a save on a pin. Truth gets tossed out of the ring. Axel rolls up Goldust for the win. A heel wins in his home town. Layla El is acting really catty to the make up lady when Summer Rae comes in and dumps milk on her then beats her up. Layla’s character has taken a big step back in the toughness department. I don’t like that.

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Definitely Live & Half Assed Review of #WWE #Payback

payback grandmaSheamus comes out first even though he is defending the US Title. Paul Heyman comes out and quells the CM Punk chants. He then introduces Cesaro. JBL has it right that the WWE is happy about the early slugfest between the two. We get 10 Beats early in the match. Sheamus goes in for seconds. Cesaro nails an European Uppercut when Sheamus goes for a sling shot shoulder block. CEsaro only gets a two count when he suplexes Sheamus back into the ring. Double stomp from the ground by Cesaro. Irish Curse back breaker only gets Sheamus a two count. Sheamus drops a knee from the middle rope. He hits it three times. An uppercut turns things around for Cesaro. He hits the Super Uppercut. Tilt-a-whirl slam by Sheamus continues the back and forth. White Noise only gets a two count. Blackhawks score early. Chicago could be rocking tonight. Sheamus locks in the Cloverleaf as Pedro Alvarez drives two in for the Pirates. Cesaro Swing for the first time in a while. Cesaro takes time after the swing. Sheamus rolls him up for the win. It protects Cesaro a little bit but I still feel like they should have given him a win. I would have been really happy with both of them having easy wins at Payback then start a feud. It doesn’t help that roll ups are always weak especially after a smash mouth match.

For some reason, we have a Rybaxel vs Cody Rhodes & Goldust. They only had three matches planned for Payback so it’s going to be a guessing game the whole time. Axel gives Goldust a running knee that gets a two count early. Ryback comes in and out with him to continue the beating. Axel tries to keep Goldust from tagging but can’t do it. Rhodes gets Ryback reeling. Rhodes with a pair of drop kicks on Rybaxel. Cody goes for the Disaster Kick but gets tossed into Goldust. Cross Rhodes is nailed on Ryback but Axel makes the save. Rhodes goes for another Disaster Kick. Ryback catches him in Shellshock for the win. Cody tells Goldust that he needs a better tag team partner than himself. I wasn’t expecting anything that simple.

Lana comes out to introduce Alexander Rusev. Just in case you didn’t know who to root for, Big E Langston has gone to wearing red, white & blue tights. I wonder if these two had a lengthy feud in NXT and the WWE is hoping moving the feud to the main roster will spark both of them. Langston spears Rusev off the apron. A leg lariat slows down Big E. The Accolade for the win. Or maybe we’re going to see the demise of Big E.

It looked like Kofi Kingston was going to Bo-Lieve but Kane comes down to the ring. Kane attacks Kofi. He ends proceedings with a Tomb Stone. Nice of them to get us to the nine o’clock hour. All Kofi has to do to come back is Bo-Lieve. What a douche. Ha. No one cares that Hornswoggle got his hair cut.

RVD comes out to challenge for the Intercontinental Title against Bad News Barrett. I don’t care about this match. RVD should do the job in this match. A slow moving swinging neck breaker for Barrett only gets a one count. RVD drop kicked Barrett who was on the outside. RVD tossed Barrett into the barricade. RVD nails the cork screw leg drop from the apron. Barrett kicks RVD in the stomach after tossing him into the air. RVD turns it back around with the round house heel kick to the face. RVD misses the Frog Splash. Winds of Change side slam only gets Barrett two. Barrett hits the post with the elbow. RVD takes advantage with a DDT but still can’t get the three. Barrett nails the Bull Hammer Elbow for the win.

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Review of #WWE Main Event From Someone Who Actually Watches It

vanilla-ice1

I wonder if Damien Sandow is a good contractor too. From hiphopwired.com

We here at Stunt Granny are looking to expand our coverage of sports, entertainment and sports entertainment. Our good buddy Chris Calamita has come on board to do a couple of reviews for us. He’s going to suffer through Main Event and then enjoy NXT. Here’s his first crack at the show that is still better than ROH or TNA. – Kevin

Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton welcome us to this week’s edition and throw to the opening contest…

Cody Rhodes w/ Goldust vs. Curtis Axel w/ Ryback

During the entrances, we see clips of The Brothers Rhodes being destroyed by Evolution last night on Raw and then follow with a wwe.com exclusive of Rybaxel confronting a defeated Rhodes family. Axel made a reference to Barry Horowitz and Ryback gave them a Dr. Scratch N. Sniff inspired raspberry before shoving down Goldy as Cody does nothing. The match begins with a tribute to Mr. Perfect as Axel does his leapfrog followed by a sweet high dropkick from Cody. Cody then kicks Axel’s leg out from under his leg and Axel takes his father’s patented bump off of it. The match then slows down with Axel in control (shocking I know) and not even a chop exchange gets a reaction from the Atlanta crowd. I mean I know this isn’t a Japanese crowd or even an ROH crowd but they didn’t even “Whoo!”. Cody makes his comeback with other people’s moves again namely Goldust’s uppercut and Bob Holly’s draping groin kick. Cody finally hits something from his own repertoire, that being his moonsault, for a nearfall. Ryback then gets on the apron which brings over Goldust to assist but Ryback quickly disposes of him and climbs back on the apron where he is greeted with a Disaster Kick. This all distracts Rhodes long enough for Axel to clip him from behind, cradle him, hook the tights, and get the win in an average match.The brothers are despondent afterward but show no overt signs of dissension.

Recap of last night’s Cena/Wyatts/Lawler angle which ended with the Usos making the save setting up tonight’s Main Event on Main Event.

R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow

I hope you all appreciate the sacrifices I’m making by watching this show so you don’t have to. And… And…

Here comes D-Sizzle, dressed in a red/white track suit, a gold chain with a roll of duct tape around it, shades, a backwards baseball cap, and a gold grill. He’s here to treat us to a rap…

Yo Everybody know Hotlanta is the hip hop capital of the world

That being said I’m about to break y’all off something proper

You know I roll with the sinners but I’m praised like a saint

And when that bell rings I go hard in the paint

When fools start to step I start tossin

My teeth are clean but I still be flossin (holds up duct tape)

Truth interrupts saying “You rappin, ain’t nobody got time for that”. You’d think D-Sizzle would be totally flustered after such a witty retort but he continues

I’m holding it together like tape

Do you have a problem with that cuz in

I’m about to run up and get done up

Thuggish living til the end

Tell a friend

*mic drop*

And I take back my opening line. I love this show. The performance of D-Sizzle is a must watch. Unfortunately the match had to start. Thankfully its short as Truth escapes the You’re Welcome and hits whatever it is Truth calls his jumping Downward Spiral for the win.

Recap of the Bryan/Stephanie angle on Raw

Brie Bella vs. Natalya

Usual Divas match between these two as literally nothing of note happens early. Anyway the match goes on until Brie catches Natalya in a half crab which is reversed into the Sharpshooter by Natalya which gets her the tap out win. Brie then breaks down and cries into her sister Nikki’s ample bosom. Lucky girl.

Renee Young then interviews the Usos who call John Cena “Big Us (ooss)” and say that being real family gives them the advantage.

Music video recap of the Shield/Evolution angle from Raw.

The Wyatt Family cuts a promo that begins with a longer than usual speaking part for Luke Harper. Harper says Bray created for them a stronger bond than family. Bray then called the Usos pawns in John Cena’s game who are guilty by association “and together they will burn”. Rowan finishes with “Run”.

Main Event – World Tag Team Champions The Usos vs Luke Harper and Eric Rowan (non-title)

Rowan starts off still wearing the sheep mask but it is quickly slapped off by Jey. A quick tag out on both sides bring Harper in with Jimmy. Harper hits an impressive dropkick as we go to commercial. We come back from commercial with Rowan in the ring and Jimmy about to make a tag to Jey. Jey comes in and run mild until a fall away slam send him rolling to the outside. Harper goes after Jey whipping him into the ring apron and whiffing on a running elbow that Jey still has to sell. Harper throws Jey back into the ring and tags Rowan back in. Jey attempts a comeback with an enziguri to Rowan but Harper is tagged in and stops the attempted tag on the other side. He hits Jey with the big boot for a 2 count and then does his gator roll into two suplexes which is certainly creative. Harper hits a Michinoku Driver for a near fall that is broken up by Jimmy. Harper goes for the charge into the corner but gets a boot in his face and a 2nd  rope dropkick which helps turn the tide. Jimmy finally gets the hot tag and runs wild with a Samoan Drop and a Superkick. Rowan breaks up a pin attempt which bring Jey back in for a donnybrook. The Wyatt Family members end up outside where The Usos hit them with Running Planchas. Jimmy Uso then throws Harper back in and climbs to the top turnbuckle. Rowan, however, manages to toss Jey Uso into the ropes on the outside causing Jimmy to momentarily lose his balance. Jimmy is still able to make the jump but he ends up jumping over Harper who has fully recovered and manages to hit Jimmy with the spinning lariat for the 1-2-3 to finish what was certainly a good match. I assume this means that the 3rd match in 9 days between these 2 teams will take place at Payback with the titles on the line.The Wyatts aren’t finished yet with the Usos as they jump them after the bell. I lose track of which Uso is which at this point but I know Rowan ran one back first into the post while Harper threw the other out of the ring where he landed at the feet of Bray Wyatt. Bray then gave him Sister Abigail on the floor and then went back to his rocking chair and laughed maniacally as Harper counted to 10 as the show came to a close.

Final Thoughts:

Its Main Event so nothing Earth shattering ever happens but the antics of D-Sizzle and a good main event make this episode a thumbs up. Recommended if you have 45 minutes to kill this week. – Chris

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

sigh-of-reliefSo I’m watching this game between the Penguins & Bluejackets for entirely too much time. The Pens got a 2-0 lead pretty quickly. They then made it 4-0 in the 2nd period so that they hopefully would avoid the jinx of the 3-1 lead in this series. (Next Day Note: I had to re-write the beginning but should have scrapped even more because I didn’t watch that game for too long. The Pens lolly gagging on a PP led to the Jackets getting a burr under their saddle.) They tried to blow it by allowing three goals in the third period but got their shit together long enough to hold off the Jackets. I’m going to be so happy to “upgrade” the announcers next round to the morons on NBCSN. Very slight upgrade. Time for wrestling. Let’s roll.

John Cena is in the ring first inside a cage. I just sat back and listened because when Cena is on, he can really spin a yarn. He did by asking why the crowd picked the worst odds for him. Cena needs to contain the message of Bray Wyatt because the fans don’t understand how bad that could be. Okay, so that part is a little over dramatic but we’re talking wrestling here. A choir of children sign for Bray Wyatt. He then marches down to the ring with the Family and the choir. They end up having the lambs masks on after Wyatt blows out the kerosene lamp. We get a dull “Cena” chant. This angle has edged his crowd more than normal in the somewhat favor or Wyatt, who gets sing alongs but not much otherwise. He laughs as he rocks one of the children. It’s supposed to draw more heat, right? Good stuff though.

Rybaxel is taking on The Usos for the tag team championships. Curtis Axel starts against Jey, who I can now remember has the full tattoo on his right shoulder. Ryback comes in and of course uses brute force. He misses a splash so that Jimmy come in. Flying Usos. Jey holds his left ankle at the break. (Next Day Note: I was wondering if they’d move the titles to Rybaxel until the “injury.” Sure fire sign the baby faces win.) Jimmy is taking the beat down. Jey ends up getting a hot tag even with the injury. It holds up long enough for a Samoan Drop. Corner splash only gets a two count. Ryback gets a tag behind Jey. He power slams Jey but only gets two. Super kick as Ryback goes for the Meathook Clothesline. Ryback clothes line Jey. Sunset flip by Jey only gets a two. Jimmy gets a tag behind Axel’s back. Jey takes a Perfectplex but Jimmy splashes Axel for the win. Fun stuff. I hope Rybaxel stays together. Sad that’s a statement after a loss in a TV title match.

Paul Heyman admits his faults to Cesaro but guarantees he takes his clients to the top. It’s enough for Cesaro. (Next Day Note: I’d like to hear more from Cesaro but there’s time.) It was all Steph vs Daniel Bryan stuff afterwards. Thanks for letting me play catch up.

Titus O’Neil attacks Sheamus from behind as he made his way down to the ring. Titus tries to take it to Sheamus. The ref breaks it up. Sheamus comes out of the corner with a Brogue Kick for the win. Goodnight to O’Neil’s career of relevance. That’s all I had to type for another segment.

Dolph Ziggler, who I learned is my child over the weekend, (Next Day Note: I was wearing Kent State gear at a bar over the weekend and the waitress asked me if my child went to KSU. I knew I was getting old but not that old.) who gets to introduce Hugh Jackman. Of course they bring up the punch. “Jack Swagger has kicked me harder than that.” is a nice line from Ziggler. Damien Sandow comes out dressed in Magneto’s oversized outfit. This segment is going nowhere fast. They act like Sandow can pull the mic towards hip. Jackman hip tosses Sandow and the he gets Zig Zagged. Woof. Video packages for a PPV = time saving device though it’s good practices by the WWE. (Next Day Note: It also prevents me from typing as much as normal.)

I'm hot so I know what looks good. I picked Jack's new hair cut. Any questions?

I’m hot so I know what looks good. I picked it just for him. From pwmania.com.

Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger come to the ring. Paul Heyman comes out and tries to shame the crowd by saying his kids love him. Oh man, how did I not see that coming with the joke about the Undertaker? I hope that’s the end of the ground beating on the Streak talk too. Good timing to stop after a funny couple of weeks. Cesaro gets introduced. I saw someone complaining about Cesaro’s music on Twitter while looking at game tweets. I agree. It sucks. Cesaro takes control early. Swagger is trying another dopey hair cut. Swagger finally locks up Cesaro with a reverse full nelson. Colter grabs Cesaro’s leg. Swagger takes advantage. Paul Heyman grabs Colter’s mustache. Swagger gets distracted. German suplex for the Cesaro win. Weird finisher. Renee Young wants a reaction from John Cena. He gives no answer just a look of concern.

Cody Rhodes is taking on Alberto Del Rio. Goldust is in Rhodes’ corner. Del Rio takes control when I start paying attention. I was trying to do other stuff. Cody gets out of a reverse chin lock. Cody kicks Del Rio in “the gut.” Del Rio locks in the cross arm breaker. Cody holds out but eventually taps. Cody is still pissed at Goldust. (Next Day Note: I’m not sure why Cody is getting another singles push. I can’t wait for the next inevitable one trick pony gimmick he gets.)

Alexander Rusev gets introduced while Xavier Woods is in the ring. Why is he taking him on again in singles competition? Rusev goes for the Accolade when R Truth clocks him for the DQ win. Woods & Truth work together to get him out of the ring. Lana wisely holds back Rusev. (Next Day Note: Rusev is going nowhere fast.) They show John Cena granting wishes today. Renee Young gets my attention when she talks to RVD. Bad News is going to receive some tonight. Zeb Colter asks RVD to help get rid of their common enemy. He gives a stoner response, grandpa.

Los Matadores is taking on 3MB again. Holy crap. A Wee LC Match. I pay little attention to this match because the high light is the little guys on the outside. Heath Slater pins Fernando. “Barry Horowitz is spinning in his grave but he’s not dead yet.” – JBL.

Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring. Daniel Bryan comes out to the ramp before she says anything. Bryan says “She’s full of crap.” Harsh words. She admits her faults. She just wanted a credible opponent for TLC for Bryan. Brie gets a Divas Title match out of the gig. Ominously, Kane’s mask is gone.

From quicklol.com

From quicklol.com

Paige doesn’t get an entrance. Brie gets the offense in first. Paige goes psycho and takes over. Paige knees Brie who was tied up in the ropes. Running knee by Brie is not sold enough. (Next Day Note: Paige takes a knee to the head but recovers before Brie was even on the top rope. Whoever laid out the match didn’t think about that much.) Paige superplexes her. Kane comes up through the ring. Why are broads too dumb to run? Bryan clocks Kane with a giant monkey wrench. Kane recovers as Brie is shuffled out of the ring. But she goes back in for some stupid broad reason after Bryan gets choke slammed. Good build up for such short notice. (Next Day Note: Although in no way do I still buy Kane as a credible opponent.)

Stephanie plays sorry again. Brie “Bitch, get out.” PG rated, right? Renee Young finds John Cena for a second time. Cena just can’t help himself. Stop making the dumb jokes. You’re tainting the greatness you dealt to start the show. Wade Barrett cheers me up with his promo when cutting down of RVD.

RVD takes on Barrett in the IC Title Tournament. They pimp a Big E interview online since he has barely been seen except for short peaks from the back. (Next Day Note: Another shot of Big E rubbing his chin hit right after I typed that.) Barrett gets in some early shots. RVD takes over. Barrett back elbows out of the ring. B-n-B with the thumbs. Barrett kicks RVD “in the stomach.” Barrett has a reverse chin lock. RVD fights out. Winds of Change by Barrett only gets a two count. Neck breaker by Barrett. RVD warms it up as I realize I forgot to tape The Boondocks. I suck. Cesaro comes to the ring. RVD is distracted. Swagger comes down. Barrett misses the Bull Hammer. RVD goes to the top when Cesaro interferes again. Bull Hammer Elbow leads to the win. I hope the match on Sunday is better. (Next Day Note: I meant Barrett vs Big E. Lots of noise surrounding this match. Not sure why RVD got drug into the Real Americans break up aside from the Heyman reference.) Cesaro attacks RVD. Swagger attacks Cesaro. Then RVD. Then RVD gets to go over on both of them. That was a serious Five Star in the distance department. The Shield is in blue light. Dean Ambrose notes that it’s past Evolution’s time. Seth Rollins thinks they believe in false power. Roman Reigns thinks Randy Orton is the past and he’s the future. Believe in the Shield.

HHH, Randy Orton and Batista come to the ring. They each get short promos. Weird that you book the main event so tight. I’m sure this ends in a brawl. Ric Flair’s music hits and he comes out. He sells them out, right? Yep, after he talks up his ties with Evolution, he picks the Shield. Then walks away. Unless this ends in a hurry, I’m not catching the end. Mitchell Cool mentions “cream puff” again. They really want that to catch on or are rubbing in a terrible choice of words. HHH yanks Reigns leg as he sets up for the Superman Punch. Ambrose & Rollins attack HHH & Batista. Superman punch connects as my DVR comes to a halt. Piss off for the first time since WM, WWE. – Kevin

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of @WWE #Raw

the-ultimate-warriorSo I have completely forgotten what my introduction was going to be tonight. I had something in mind earlier today and I should have written it. Oh well. Let’s roll.

They start off with a nice Warrior Tribute. It’s tough to see. I loved him as a child. I thought he was walking funny last week while we were at Raw but in no way was I expecting that. It still hurts a little bit. Another bummer from today was the passing of Otto Petersen who was a ventriloquist comedian. I’ll post some of his stuff later. I always got a laughed at his material when he was on Opie & Anthony.

Alberto Del Rio takes on RVD is a tournament to take on Big E Langston for the IC Title. Does someone really want a shot at that title? Nothing much happening before the break. We missed Rolling Thunder but not. Del Rio counters the split legged moonsault. Del Rio only gets a two from a Backstabber. RVD nails a heel kick when Del Rio came off the top rope. Del Rio catches RVD going to the top. An enziguri only gets Del Rio a two count. Thank goodness the scissor pin didn’t work. IT’s worse than a regular roll up. Five Star Frog Splash. I’m expecting him to job to Cesaro after his win later tonight. Enough with the brackets already!

After a nice little video package, Stephanie, HHH, Randy Orton & Batista are talking. I just can’t take JBL seriously. It’s okay for the boss to assault the wrestler but it’s not okay for the wrestler to assault the boss. I remember watching the Ultimate Warrior beating Honky Man. Man, would I bitch about how short that match is now after a nice long build up. Then, I was happy as a clam. Funny what time will do to you.

HHH is coming out of his talk about the World Title situation. Stephanie knows who can stop the Shield. Nobody can stop Evolution if we stay on the same page. Batista & Randy Orton sell HHH down the river. It smells of set up to me. (Next Day Note: I was wrong. Stupid Shield. Granted Evolution did resolve their difference so same end result that I was expecting.) Rybaxel is taking on Goldust & Cody Rhodes. Goldust starts against Curtis Axel. Goldust gets the upper hand and tags in Cody Rhodes. Goldust comes back in to work over Axel. Curtis creates an opening and tags in Ryback. They tag in and out to work over Goldust. Cody gets in and goes to work on Ryback. I love when Mitchell Cool has to say “He just barely got him.” Is that worse than going “Wow, he really blew that spot?” Cody nailed Axel with the Disaster Kick. He went to do it to Ryback who caught him with the Meathook Clothesline for the win.

They did a good job of informing us who don’t watch NXT what Paige is all about. I was thinking it was Sara Del Ray who came out. I could do without the Goth White Face. She is taking on Alicia Fox. I can’t believe she’s only 21. I didn’t think she was old but wow. I was asking if anyone extra young could make it in the WWE these days. Alicia Fox is whooping on Paige for the beginning of the match. A thrust kick to the stomach stops Fox. Paige does a triple clothesline. Paige locks in a modified Scorpion Cross Lock, at least according to Cool. She seems to be getting a lot from Ms Chif’s character.

The Usos are taking on Batista & Randy Orton for some revenge. They get off to a quick start with the double over the rope splash. The new chest tattoo has thrown me and the announce team for a loop on which Uso is which. I don’t remember Cool saying anything on Smackdown either. I know one is larger than the other but I still have a hard time telling them apart. Batista & Orton are beating one of them down. It looks like Batista is wearing soccer shin pads. Orton goes on the attack against the other one. The Shield takes out Orton for the DQ. They surround Batista. Superman punch sends Batista outside where Orton drags him away. I’m not sure why the Shield would do that. Let Batista & Orton stay off of Hunter’s agenda as long as possible. I was so pumped up watching Wrestlemania VI.

HHH greets Batista & Randy Orton then walks away. I think that was well done. It’s officially even more awesome that Paul Heyman gets to gloat about Brock Lesnar breaking the Streak than the Streak continuing. I was a little skeptical of Lesnar being the one but the reason I didn’t want it to happen, mostly he had the credentials already, are also a perfect argument for why he should have won too. Heyman then introduces Cesaro. He is taking on Mark Henry. Cesaro is just going straight at Henry which is having moderate success. Flying Uppercut knocks down Henry finally. Neutralizer for the win. Do they give him the IC Title? They haven’t done much with Big E recently.

HHH is talking to Brad Maddox. He is to relay a message to the Shield about their match in the main event. I’m disappointed that Maddox is reduced to this little air time. I think he’s a good character. Lana introduces Alexander Rusev. I asked last week on the Facebook & Twitter why Rusev wasn’t over like some of the other NXT call ups. The one response I got said it’s because he’s not as quick as the others. I can see that angle. I think the whole from another country gimmick isn’t working like it once used to. (Next Day Note: Alberto Del Rio hasn’t exactly gotten over being Mr. Mexico. The Great Khali & Jinder Mahal haven’t gotten heat at different times for being from India. Sheamus isn’t over because he’s from Ireland. Sure, the fighting thing factors into his popularity which has “stemmed” from being Irish but I think people like brawlers in general.) People aren’t viewing him as Commie scum from Bulgaria. Rusev taps out Xavier Woods with a camel clutch.

I loved that blue cage. It took me a while to get used to the cage that I feel hasn’t changed much since I started watching again in 1997. Jack Swagger is taking on Sheamus in the IC Title Tournament.  Swagger gets dumped to the outside. Sheamus is ready to club Swagger when Zeb Colter distracts him. Swagger would make sense as an opponent for Big E. I’m not sure Sheamus loses to Swagger. He could lose to Bad News Barrett. Swagger misses a charge in the corner. Sheamus takes advantage. Sheamus with a new running knee in the corner. (Next Day Note: I mentioned that move because I don’t think I’ve seen that from Sheamus before.) Sheamus gets in the clubbing now. Sheamus sling shots himself into a Patriot Lock. Sheamus powers out of it. Swagger attacks Sheamus’s knee. Brogue Kick out of nowhere for the win. As soon as I saw the brackets, I knew my boy was losing so this result confirmed it.

Damien Sandow is mad because Big Show made his entrance during his speech. It helps make his point. Well played WWE. Big Show ends up KOing him when he gets in his face later. (Next Day Note: Good promo but it goes for naught when Show goes over. It was funny but I’m not sure I want Sandow to be a comedy act.) The Wyatts are next.

Birmingham, we’re here. Bray Wyatt is different. He has never lied to the crowd. John Cena is lying to us all. He is beast. Wyatt calls out Cena. The Wyatts can’t take on the Shield now too, right? This is too long of a segment. John Cena answers the call. He makes his usual jokes about their outfits. He’s getting a mixed reaction to the Roll Tide comment. Oh Jiminy Cricket. It’s Photoshop class. John Cena ends up challenging him to a steel cage match because those always keep people out.  (Eyes rolling.)

Layla-Underwear

Fandango gets an inset promo where Layla El gets to fawn him. It’s one way to repackage him. He won on Smackdown so I assume the momentum will continue. Layla tags in to save Fandango from the Cobra. Emma locks in “the Dilemma”.  Santino takes out Fandango but it distracts Emma. Layla takes advantage, yanks Emma off the middle rope and pins her. Stephanie gets to berate Kane. He’s quibbled with people lower than him. Stephanie talks up his mean streak. Kane stares at the mask and then uncovers it. Kane is going to send Daniel Bryan to the depths of hell. I’m frightened! (Next Day Note: It does give Bryan something to do while Batista & Orton deal with The Shield and Lesnar enjoys his time off.)

Bad News Barrett is going to beat my boy Dolph Ziggler. Barrett got in the offense early. Ziggler made a brief come back. Ziggler got tossed against a ring post. Commercial. Barrett rams his own shoulder into the ring post. Ziggler cross body blocks him then punches a lot. Waste Land but Ziggler kicks out. Barrett goes for a pump handle slam but Ziggler reverses out and nails a Fame Asser. These people have a low threshold for awesome. Barrett takes too long on the top rope. Facebuster off the top ropes on a second attempt. Ziggler only gets a two count. Even Mitchell Cool isn’t buying what the crowd is selling. Ziggler kicks out of the Winds of Change. Ziggler reverses out of some stuff but ends up catching the Bull Hammer Elbow for the Barrett win. (Next Day Note: It was almost like an ROH match with Ziggler kicking out of 2 old finishers except it’s been made obvious that the Elbow is his finisher. Waste Land was pretty lame as a finisher so I’m good with it.)

The Shield are facing Alberto Del Rio, Jack Swagger, Fandango, 3MB, Titus O’Neil, Rybaxel, Alexander Rusev and Wade Barrett. If the team with more men doesn’t use it to their advantage, the Shield can win. Seth Rollins gets to take the beating for the Shield. Reigns takes out Ryback but the rest of the team assaults him. Rollins dives over the rope onto everyone. I know Bryan can’t help but shouldn’t some other people help? Someone else doesn’t like the Authority, right? Evolution comes down and lays waste to the Shield after they’re beaten. You know, this may not have been the WWE’s plan when Batista came back. But I love it a hell of a lot more than any conceivable Batista baby face run. – Kevin

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