#iMPACTWrestling – For The Hell of It

I know I’m way late on this review but whatever. Ha, forgot they had a pay per view. I haven’t checked for results either for this show or for the pay per view. I suppose I can rate their PPV pimping. They’re starting off with Bobby Roode vs Sting build up. Victory Road is the name of the PPV. James Storm thinks there’s not enough givers. He talks about Lockdown. Ugh, just like ROH, they’re doing their best to mix up the pay per views. Bully Ray tells Storm he’s fired up. Bully Ray reminds him of the correct PPV to promote. Storm isn’t going to make it to Victory Road because of Bully Ray. Gunner gets called out to take on Storm. Orlando knows something because they’re chanting “Gunner sucks”. Madison Rayne & Gail Kim are yelling at each other. They try to talk to Sting. Gail is going to take on Mickie James. Madison takes on Velvet Sky.

Roode is going to embarrass Sting at Victory Road. I’m power watching. No ring entrances. Velvet attacks Madison who tried to get an early jump on her. Madison wins with a pull of the tights. That makes no sense. She doesn’t look strong going into the PPV. Crimson & Matt Morgan are sort of arguing. Crimson is playing up his undefeated streak again. Morgan is mad but won’t say anything.

Crimson is taking on Samoa Joe. Their partners are at ring side. Last time this match happened, Joe got bitched. I’d imagine he’ll get more offense in this match. Joe is definitely doing it. Joe gets distracted by Morgan. Crimson spears Joe and gets the win. That type of a win for Joe & Magnus would have helped when they got their first crack at Crimson & Morgan.

Austin Aries gives us X Division champ stats so that he can inform us that he’s the longest reigning champ. Aries plays a high light reel of himself. I like his character but this isn’t doing much for me. He thanks his opponents for being good but not great. That’s better. Zema Ion spoils the party. I dig his look. Now if Ion would just get the tassles off his wrestling pants. Ion threatens to injure Aries. Ion tosses champagne in Aries face. Aries dumps the rest of the bottle on him. Solid build up.

Joseph Park says hi to Gunner. Parks can’t ask a question before Gunner bails for his match. We get replay of Eric Young & ODB getting engaged. They start planning the wedding. They need to contact Eric Nelson for planning tips. They’re getting married in the ring. I hope Nelson does too. Kurt Angle is worried about Garrett Bischoff. He loves swearing. They’re having a five minute match. Angle is going to match Victory Road Jeff Hardy’s last match. I seriously doubt it.

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Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #iMPACTWrestling

I'm at the middle of the show and completely confused by everything happening and not in a good way either.

I’ve got nothing for an opening today. I’m tired but ready to bang out this review. Let’s roll.

Jeremy had a great line about Sting. Bobby Roode made him so mad, he was going to start going around everywhere in black face. So wish I had thought of that one. Evidently Kurt Angle is going to tell us multiple reasons why he attacked Jeff Hardy. My guess is that Jeff stopped supplying him with vitamins, cough cough. Kurt brings out cue cards. At least he’s not hiding his note cribbing like the Rock. Unlike the Rock, Angle is in no way electrifying. Just like the Rock, his promo sucks. He calls out Hardy. Jeff slaps him then double legs him. TNA loves officials from the back. Bobby Roode is still the “IT Factor of professional wrestling”. Ask the Miz how much that matters. Austin Aries wonders in. He says indirectly he tweeted something but not what he wrote. Excellent way to craft a promo. If you’re a moron. They talk a walk together because we can’t get enough of fighting authority figures in wrestling today. (That’s a huge dose of sarcasm.)

Daniels & Kazarian come out for the gauntlet match against AJ Styles. Ah, if AJ wins he gets to know why Kazarian turned on him. Why didn’t Daniels order Kazarian to be the first in the match? Kazarian can just lay down now. He still doesn’t like being controlled. They went to commercial break early. Kaz gives AJ his finisher to DQ Daniels but then pins AJ. Daniels looks confused. In a way, I don’t blame him but the main point is not giving out the info. Madison Rayne tries to impress Gail Kim with a bunch of pictures. Gail got them a day at the spa and a match against ODB.

Kim comes out with Madison for the match. Not a fan of the heel vs heel. ODB brings Eric Young to the ring with her. Madison Rayne stopped a bronco buster with a boot to the cooch. EY distracts the ref while his woman is winning. ODB gets the win when Kim can’t interfere? They argue again. Bully Ray berates the make up lady. Roode & Aries make the pitch to get rid of Sting to him. Velvet can barely complain about being screwed before Angelina & Sarita attack her.

They come back from commercial and Velvet Sky is complaining again. She was screwed by Madison. The screwing stops now. Then they replay what they did before the break. Excellent work morons. Weakest assault ever. Mickie James makes the save in the strangest outfit ever. She’s gone 80’s neon. Ric Flair yells at Garrett Bischoff. They want Garrett to come to his sense still. For some reason, Flair, Gunner & E Bisch think they can continue to beat down Garrett. Ground Hog Day something fierce.

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Stunt Granny Big 11 (Or So) Week Ending 4/9/11

1. Bill DeMott- Who would have ever thought Bill DeMott would make the top of any list? But with his star-making showing on “Tough Enough,” DeMott has found himself one of the most retweeted wrestlers on Twitter. Nicknames for “TE” kids like “Skidmarks” and phrases like “green as goose shit” have endeared the former Gen. Hugh G. Rection to a whole new audience. -Eric

2. Michelle Deighton- How this bottom-rung “Tough Enough” contestant ever made it onto “America’s Next Top Model” is beyond me; she’s uglier than sin on Sunday. But to be true, she’s also married to a guy who’s famous for being on “Survivor”… except by now when you tell people that (“He was Jonny Fairplay on ‘Survivor'”) the most frequent response is, “I don’t remember.” -Eric

3. Sheamus- What a shitty WrestleMania weekend this guy had: got fed to Sin Cara upon his debut, saw his match against Daniel Bryan bumped from the main WrestleMania card, and had to meet Stunt Granny’s Jeremy Maes at a train station. (Something tells me this isn’t the first time “Jeremy Maes” and “train” have been in the same sentence.) -Eric

4. TNA- This company is the pits. I tried once again to watch Impact and it is impossible to get through without forwarding the dvr, or vcr if you are a caveman. Suppose I should be specific here; Anderson swerve; Winters mind control of Angelina Love; Audio Sweetenr on a crowd of maybe 1,000 people; Daniels jobbing his first night back……enough, whatever. –Jeremy

5. WWE All-Stars- This game sucks. I rented it instead of throwing down $59.99 on it. Boy oh boy what a good decision. There is no strategy. All you do is punch and kick then try to lock up. The voice over work is crap as it sound like it was recorded on an Emachine laptop then balanced with dental floss. It is pure garbage.  –Jeremy

6.  WWE Undercard- It’s that time of year. So everyone should be on high alert. If it is Friday afternoon and your caller id comes up as Triple H, Paul L, Johnny Ace, WWE Corporate, or whatever you have programmed in your cell phone; don’t answer the phone and show up Monday or Tuesday for work. Treat it like business as usual. -Jeremy

7. Sin Cara – Coolest entrance ever. I don’t care if he clipped his toes upon entry into the ring. I’d never seen his work in Mexico so this one was a surprise to me. He’s got some crazy hops. I can’t wait to see that athleticism in the ring. -Kevin

8. Rock vs. John Cena at Wrestlemania 28 – These two did do a pretty good job of ribbing each other up to Wrestlemania 27. They bent to accept want has to be acknowledged like Cena’s work ethic and Rock’s dislike of Cena. This match up should be a titanic one, so long as neither of them goes down with an injury within the next 12 months. Have fun sailing the choppy seas of the WWE grind, John Cena. Or the placid seas of movie stardom, Rock. -Kevin

Stunt Granny Audio #135

Oh my god it’s another edition of Stunt Granny Audio. Dusty and Eric come at ya this week dropping knowledge and kickin puppies for good, yeah good, behavior.  This time around they talk about the demise of IWA-Midsouth Wrestling. Is it uncouth to dance on the grave already? They also talk about Michaels Cole’s homoslur on Twitter. Why is this a big deal and is there an actual anti-Michael Cole agenda out there in cyber land. Keeping it current, Fit Finlay was fired and the boys have things to say about that. They also manage some John Cena knowledge as well. It is brisk thirty minutes so give it a listen.

Oh and don’t forget tomorrow starts the annual WrestleMania preview shows with Jeremy & Kevin. So come on back and check them out.

Stunt Granny Audio #135

TNA Final Resolution preview (text format)

Seppuku because I watched TNA Final Resolution

Somebody put this sign on Dusty's neighbor's door, please.

Huh, TNA has a pay-per-view tonight? Damned if I knew that; Jeremy said something to me on IM about Kevin asking him to do an audio preview (Jeremy scoffed), and I was all like, oh damn, I didn’t even know. So here’s a text-based preview of TNA Final Resolution. (I had to go to TNAWrestling.com for the line-up, and that scuzzy SoCal Val was on a video hesitating and hiccuping through her very simple lines to promote the show. Uh, uh, uh, you suck.)

Daniels vs. AJ Styles (TNA “World” Title): Boy, these fresh young main eventers are setting the world on fire. Prediction: I’ll be asleep.

Desmond Wolfe vs. Kurt Angle (Three Degrees of… Pain? What the fuck is that?): Wolfe is making headlines these days as… oh, no he’s not. Prediction: Lariat attempted countered into an armbar takedown transitioned into an ankle lock, at which point I’ll probably be watching football anyway.

Scott Steiner vs. Bobby Lashley (Last Man Standing): Jesus christ. Prediction: Someone’s gonna tear something. The man who isn’t standing will be legitimately injured.

Motor City Machine Guns vs. British Invasion (Tag Team Titles): OK, two guys I like vs. two guys I don’t hate. Someone IM me when this match comes on. Prediction: MCMG will get fucked like they always do.

Dudleys & Rhino & Jesse Neal vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez & DeSomethingOrOther Dinero & Suicide (Elimination match, go figure): OK, so Rhino and Jesse Neal like each other again? And how are “future main eventers” Morgan and Hernandez supposed to shine here? Seriously, Hernandez, I beg you, get out of this contract and go to WWE. I have a friend who knows people. I haven’t talked to him in a while, but maybe he can help. And you know the people he knows. Hear me out, man. Prediction: I text my friend.

Tara vs. ODB (Knockouts Title): Eh, whatever. Where’s Taylor Wilde? She’s as cute as a button. Prediction: ODB slaps her big tits.

Raven & Dr. Stevie vs. Mick Foley & Abyss: Sooo… Foley and Abyss like each other again, too? Whatever, go eat some Chef Boyardee, you fat fuck. (That goes for three of you four.) Prediction: None of these guys will ever work for WWE. (Foley will be inducted into the hall of fame many, many years from now.)

*deep breath*

Samoa Joe & Beer Money & Kevin Nash & Eric Young & Abdul Bashir vs. Kiyoshi & Homicide & Jay Lethal & Consequences Creed & Cody Deaner (Feast or Fired): Unbelievable. This is going to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I would rather watch Kevin Nash do 20 minutes of stand-up while Homicide gets drunk and heckles him. I would rather watch Eric Young swing from the barn. I would rather watch the board meeting where four of these guys get legitimately fired from TNA before the match happens. Prediction: Hatred and death.

So there you go, expert analysis from yours truly. Have a good night, everybody! -Eric

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