Dave “Brass Body” Bautista fancies himself an MMA fighter. You be the judge

Here is the full fight of Big Dave in his very first MMA fight. I watched it live last night and feel even worse about this than I did while watching. You be the judge. That is of course if you have a few seconds to see Dave get punched by a walking bag of liquid marshmallow for 3 minutes before he gets taken down and beaten like a self defense rape dummy. It is up to you. -Jeremy

Batista tells U.K. Daily Star that he can beat people up, that today’s WWE is “brutal”… look who’s talking

batista skinny

And he gets all the pretty ladies, too.

According to PWTorch.com, Dave Bautista, aka Batista (because we kids couldn’t handle that extra “u” in his last name), recently told a U.K. newspaper, the Daily Star, that today’s WWE is “brutal.” He didn’t mean it in the same way as the brutal force he uses to beat people up in MMA’s Strikeforce oh wait that never happened because he sucks and is old and has asthma. He means “brutal” in the same way as watching a Batista wrestling match, which was pretty god damn brutal.

I can’t connect with it. I no longer know this business. I don’t do PG wrestling.

Thankfully, PG wrestling no longer does him. He also made a point to talk about how big and bad and scary and legitimate he is, because, of course, the people who have to tell you that are the ones with the largest penises and coolest Affliction shirts.

Love me or hate me, when I was there everyone took one look at me and knew I could beat someone up. I don’t think they look at Miz that way.

He makes a valid point; I’m pretty sure 50 percent of Stunt Granny readers could beat up the Miz if a fight broke out over the last bottle of hair product in the salon. But that doesn’t make it right to disparage the company responsible for your bank account, cars and, of course, humongous, totally-not-shriveled-up penis. One of these days, he’s going to come crawling back on all fives (get it, because he has a gigantic penis that needs no defending) and say, “Vince, I can’t cut it in MMA and I miss the nonstop road head, pleeease bring me back.” And then Vince will, because he’s a mark at heart. (Sorry, I hope you weren’t expecting another punchline at Batista’s expense.) -Eric

Headlines: Batista Tweets about Melina, Ziggler fractures jaw, Vince McMahon goes shit-house

And then he'll have this for dessert.

According to Prowrestling.net, Batista recently Tweeted that he’s not interested in returning to wrestling and that he would entertain an offer from MMA outfit Bellator. The more interesting part of his Tweet, which just sounds kinda thrown in both in and out of context, reads:

I have no idea why WWE released their hottest Diva.

Batista is surely referring to Melina, whom he used to bang on the side when his wife had cancer and when Melina was dating current holder of the deed to the doghouse, John Morrison. What does this ultimately mean? Batista is the man, Melina is a slut, and John Morrison is a skinny punk-ass bitch who needs to cut his losses and get on with life instead of being Matt Hardy with abs. I guarantee if Morrison ever saw Batista walk around a corner, Morrison would use that stupid Parkour shit to run up the wall, but then he’d have a real eagle-eye view of Batista doing whatever he wants with his own sloppy seconds.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Dolph Ziggler suffered a hairline mandibular fracture this past Monday on Raw, but it sounds like he won’t miss much time, if any. For those of you who weren’t alive to see Mick Foley wrestle as Mankind, “mandible” is another word for jaw. Ziggler’s opponent on Monday, Zack Ryder, isn’t exactly a stiff worker, but Ziggler did take a punch to the face from actor Hugh Jackman. Or as Tracy Morgan calls him, “Jack Human.” (Click ahead to 5:40)

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Vince McMahon yelled at Alberto del Rio and Comic Book Guy Writer #482 backstage after del Rio mentioned Vince McMahon by name on Monday Night Raw. McMahon seems totally bi-polar (a really important attribute for a chairman and CEO) and could have easily spun around 180 degrees and kissed a Make-A-Wish kid on the head and asked butterflies to braid a retarded girl’s hair, then gone right back to berating del Rio. In fact, I’m positive he could do that, and I’d pay money to see it. There you go, Vince, book that exact segment for the December PPV and you’ve got yourself an extra buy. -Eric

Batista Comes From The Wrong Side Of Town

Goddamn right. – Dusty

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