Wrestlemania 29 (NY/NJ) Preview Part III

Hell-no-Wonder Woman

Since Jeremy agreed that he wouldn’t be doing previews as I had predicted on Monday, I’m going written for the previews. I’m hoping to do two matches a day including on Sunday. We’ll see if it happens or if I end up stacking them up because I can’t get to them. I’ll be separating them into pairs with one good match and one bad match.

Bad Match

Tag Team Champions Team Hell No (Daniel Bryan & Kane) defending against Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston: Daniel Bryan & Kane were brilliant. I still love some of Kane’s reactions but I feel like their schtick has run it’s course. My boy Dolph Ziggler continues to hang onto that briefcase. I could only hope this match is early on in the card for him to cash it in. Big E Langston is a wild card for me. I haven’t watched NXT online so I’ve got no idea how his in ring work is. The other three are very good so the match quality depends on Langston. Since Kaitlyn isn’t on the card with the Diva’s Title on the line, she almost surely will join Team Hell No at ring side to offset AJ Lee. The reason I put this one in the bad match area is because the finish seems inevitable. Prediction: Team Hell No wins because Dolph isn’t going to tag full time with Big E.

Good Match

HHH vs Brock Lesnar: The build up for this match has been fairly anticlimactic. I didn’t record HHH beating the hell out of Paul Heyman because I didn’t care what the stipulation was. It did raise an eyebrow when I found out that it was a retirement clause. I like the prospect of not seeing HHH in the ring again. He does look like he’s trained really hard to cut out the usual marriage fat he’s been carrying. Does that mean he wants to go out looking good? I sure hope so. It does mean we should expect a good brawl. But then there’s the chance that he decides to beat Brock Lesnar. Brock may not need the win but it’d finally make up for the mistake of having him lose right off the bat to John Cena. I know Brock won’t be around much and he is easily sold because of his credentials so he doesn’t need the win. Predicition: HHH makes it official that Wrestlemania is the place to retire.

Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

ap_paul_bearer

We have to cover wrestling some time. So here it is after a week off and more to come from our shenanigans in Nashville. Let’s roll.

The WWE does the right thing and pays tribute to Paul Bearer to start the show. The man that awkwardly ended that segment comes out next. Thanks for giving your catch phrase to a real dead man, Undertaker. CM Punk interrupts before Taker can get started. I love the promo again. What a dick move.

They are really pushing WWE Active. I’m still not biting. Kane goes on a rampage against Punk because Undertaker can’t wrestle. Alex Riley finally gets some air time. Big Show comes out next. They recap more story that didn’t happen on TV. Here’s an idea for the WWE. How about less replays and more actual content on the show? Seth Rollins is taking him on one on one. SOrt of, what’s to prevent them from attacking like normal? Shouldn’t they be banned from ringside just to start with. Big Show helps them out with the angle. Triple power bomb. I hope that after Wrestlemania, The Shield progresses and breaks into singles wrestling or a singles wrestler and a tag team. CM Punk cries to Vickie Guerrero about Kane. She puts him in a no DQ match with Kane. Holy shit, a Smackdown replay on Raw? What is coming of this world?

Daniel Bryan was out before the break. We can Tout about Paul Bearer because we haven’t had enough social media on the show yet. Dolph Ziggler is his opponent. I think my boy might win. Big E Langston needs to start doing something other than look menacing. Commercial time. I’d be pretty cool if they made Bryan a legitimate threat again. I get the feeling though he’s headed for Chris Jericho territory. Fun counter by Ziggler. Doesn’t seem very heelish. Rocker Dropper only gets two. Awesome finish with counters. Ziggler wins with the Zig Zag. Big E drops Daniel Bryan with his finisher.

Tensai the dancing monkey is supposed to take on another dancing monkey, Fandango. This gimmick may be growing on me. GI Joe: Retaliation preview looks pretty cool.

Team Rhodes Scholars does a good mock of the New Age Outlaws introduction. People still love the original and will continue to love shouting “Suck it!” Brock Lesnar comes out. Billy Gunn tries to take the fight to him but fails. Good way to get him some heat. Paul Heyman does a great sell job on the conditions.

Kofi Kingston is fodder for Mark Henry. They show the show downs with Ryback. World’s Strongest Slam. Cody Rhodes hits on Kaitlyn but Damien Sandow brings back the Bellas. Holy smokes. You ladies aren’t the answer to anything. Vickie puts them in a match with Sheamus & Randy Orton. Ryback is out next. The sacrificial lamb is introduced after the Psych preview. I hope it doesn’t suck as much as the show Cena was in.

Heath Slater gets the nod. Good choice in the selling department even if we’ve seen it before. Henry watches from the ramp. Shell Shock. Drew McIntyre gets the same treatment. Henry walks into the ring and slams McIntyre. Shell Shock. Slam.

Alberto Del Rio takes on Antonio Cesaro. Del Rio cuts a cheese-tastic inset promo. Cesaro is starting to seem like Dolph Ziggler part 2. They keep putting him into good matches but he keeps losing but they clearly like him. Cross Arm Breaker submission for Del Rio. Kane loves his father’s ashes.

I’m glad they could give us more recap on John Cena & the Rock. More replays, of Brock Lesnar now. Sheamus gets the big introduction. Randy Orton came in before the Lesnar replay. WWE App still has more real content than the TV product. Randy Orton gets the hot tag though. T-Bone suplex out of Orton. Good for him. Not really a hot tag. Time for him to sell for their team. We may get a commercial break. Nope, Sheamus got the hot tag for reals. Rhodes takes the RKO so that both the good guys can do their finishers. Sheamus Brogue Kicks Sandow for the win.

The WWE App has even more real content instead of the TV show. The Shield attacked Orton & Sheamus. Chris Jericho tells us more movie footage because it is more important than TV product too. Wade Barrett gives us more movie footage. The Miz gives his same schtick. Jericho shows him how to stay somewhat fresh. The Miz and Jericho are going to fight to get a crack at Barrett. Wade is on the headset when they return. The old toss your opponent into the guy on the head set trick rears it’s ugly head. Is this what Jericho gets for Wrestlemania?

I FF thru Zeb Colter’s promo because I’m tired of it already. Jack Swagger gets Sin Cara to tap out easily. Alberto Del Rio comes to his rescue. More movie stuff. This time with Halle Berry. David Otunga grew his goat back. He gave her phone number to Kane. He kills again. I’m not sure how they talked her into that one. Or the movie.

They are not leaving much time for CM Punk vs Kane. I got 10 minutes by my DVR. They take a commercial break at 11:05. What a bunch of douches. They come back with 2 minutes left on my DVR. Fuck these guys. -Kevin

The Art of Wrestling – Insert Pot Joke Here

I wonder if RVD has his house Feng shuied.

TNA has been on the ball when it comes to new merchandise for their shiny “new” stars that they have brought in during the Hulk Hogan era. Too bad I’ve been slacking off as much as TNA’s writers. To kick off the new TNA reviews I figured I’d start with ‘Mister Monday Night’, Rob Van Dam.

On the back of the shirt, there are neon green Xs that flank a neon green yin & yang symbol. I’m not sure if TNA is aware, but the WWE has a long standing group called Degeneration X that uses both neon green and shockingly an X in their merchandise. What a bunch of morons. I know the yin & yang is not part of DX’s design but everything else is a rip off. They could have used a star with five points to draw comparisons to RVD’s Five Star Frog Splash and had the same exact design pattern then I (I can’t be the only one who noticed) wouldn’t have thought of DX even if they stuck with the neon green. There is an additional design in the background that looks like a mix between a biohazard symbol and a tribal tattoo. To me, that mixes up cultures since yin & yang is Chinese and tribal tattoos are Polynesian or North & South American in origin. I would think you’d want to stick with kanji which is the name of the Chinese characters used in writing. It would stick with the theme of the shirt better. RVD doesn’t have any tattoos either so he has no reason to want a tattoo inspired design on his shirt.

On the front of the shirt, TNA has the same exact design with one exception. They have inserted “RVD” in grey and white. The “V” matches the tribal background pattern which is a nice touch. The text has a nice funkiness to it that draws me in.

I’m not a big fan of having the same design on the front as the back because it makes one look like they’re wearing a sandwich billboard. They are marginally different but not enough in my book. The changing of motifs didn’t help the shirt. The blatant ripping off of DX is the worst part. I’ve mentioned the quality of the WWE riffing on old designs (John Deere among other shirts) but they altered it enough to not be the exact same symbol if if they carried through the same color pattern. Stop trying to be the WWE and make your own designs. – Kevin

The Art of Wrestling – Christmas Edition IV

St. Nicholas is a consumer advocate.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me ten pair of John Morrison’s sunglasses, nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. My imaginary love certainly knows my penchant for losing sunglasses, even the perfect pair from Disney World that fit my fat head. It’s a nice stocking stuffer of a gift but I do wonder how well you can see out of the Rhinestone crosses. The dark tint of the lenses helps to offset both the gold frame and the white/clear Rhinestones. They’re decent but the Rhinestones really make them douche-tastic.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me, eleven John Cena Floor Mats, ten pair of John Morrison’s sunglasses, nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. They’ll be perfect for the bad weather to wipe my shoes and my dogs paws on. I do wonder why they used a bulldog considering none of his other merchandise uses a dog. Dogs are loyal, but you’re not likely to see much hustle out of an English bulldog. If it could chew through a chain link fence, I would respect the fact that the dog will probably kill me when it’s loose. The picture does look kind of nice even after my jokes. It’s on clearance for half price so I’m glad my imaginary love is being thrifty during the slow economy. It’s not terrible, but who’s going to buy a floor mat at an event? Or even think to order one online?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me twelve Divas Snow Globes, eleven John Cena Floor Mats, ten pair of John Morrison’s sunglasses, nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. I can’t believe how thoughtful she is! I’m sure glad the Divas got their own ring apron which is quite boring. The ring posts with ropes around the globe crack me up. At least they’re being detailed. There’s nothing more attractive than having some amorphous Diva blobs inside. They are having a pillow fight so there’s a legitimate reason for the “snow” on the inside. The pillow cases and bed sheets are both pink so at least they’re trying to make it a little girly.

I had to end on an epic fail. Too bad those WWE scumbags already took down the DX snuggle because that was going to be my twelfth day gift. Merry Christmas Grandkids! – Kevin

The Art of Wrestling – Christmas Edition III

I have no clue what is entailed in Kwanzaa.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling  Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. I don’t think I’ve seen a wrestling program before. TNA definitely hasn’t because they have no description for it. At least the WWE’s Encyclopedia has a description. I could listen to Don West’s 4:40 description but I don’t feel like looking at his bloated carcass. Leaving out a written description shows yet again why TNA is bush league. Take out five minutes of your time and write a description. It isn’t hard.

On the eigth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. Finally, a shirt to analyze. I have no idea why TNA produced a shirt for an announcer when they can barely get t-shirts out for their returning wrestlers. You can read my argument for not using “FTW” and bullet holes especially because of his on air lovefest with the world here. The shirt already has two strikes against it and I’m barely out of the blocks. Strike three comes with the random ass design on the front behind the text. I think it’s partially taken from one of his tattoos but considering he never shows them it’s hard to know either way. The fact that it randomly goes to the left shoulder and also un your arm pit on the right side. It shouldn’t be hard to keep the design visible. On the back, it says “Ol’ Fashion” on the top and “Beat Down” below the orange block and fist. Taz hasn’t stepped in the ring in so long and he’s fatter than ever before, there’s no reason to think Taz could give anyone a beat down. The giant fist just looks silly. I think that’s strike one & two on the next batter so this shirt went down looking. Thanks for nothing imaginary love, I hope you don’t mind me giving these to some homeless children that need them.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me nine TNA Winged Warrior T-shirts, eight Taz Beat-Down T-shirts, seven Official TNA 2010 Wrestling Programs, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. The first thought when I saw this shirt was “Why doesn’t the World Elite have a shirt?”. My second thought was “Why doesn’t Doug Williams have his own shirt?” My third thought was “Doug Williams looks like a tool for modeling a company shirt since they’re always trying to keep him down.”

The front of the shirt, they center the TNA logo and the word “Wrestling” below it. The problem I have is with the spatter of blood that covers up the red “Wrestling”. The spatter works on the remainder of the shirt though. Below the text and blood spatter are wings. I’m not a fan of “Otal Nonstop Action” on the right sleeve. They should have “Total” on there and something on the left sleeve to off set it but all I can see is more blood spatter. That’s a bad combination.

On the back of the shirt, the left side is a giant wing. It is detailed fairly well and looks kind of nice since the white & grey offsets both the black of the shirt and red of the blood spatter. The wing extends down the back which helps to visually offset the gigantic TNA logo. Because the logo is so bright though, the wing would need to be all white to help it pop the same. The “Wrestling” text is covered by the wing just enough to piss me off. If you’re going to make graphics (text in this case, but even if it were just pictures) overlap, have more be hidden. If something happens once, it’s probably a mistake. If a design feature happens twice, it may be a pattern but one is never sure. If the feature happens three times, it’s definitely a pattern. At least they repeated a single letter being obscurred three times, but it looks bad. More letters should have been covered up.

Thank gawd my imaginary love has ceased getting me stuff from TNA. – Kevin

The Art of Wrestling – Christmas Edition II

Who says Hanukkah isn't as commercial a holiday as Christmas?

On the fourth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me 4 Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, 3 Abyss Masks, 2 Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a Pear Tree. I picked on TNA for a couple of their masks so my imaginary love had to have one from the WWE delivered to me. You may spend a lot more money on the Rey mask ($50 to $11.99) but at the quality between the products is as large as the price tags. It also comes in white, red, green red & black and red & white (both come with pants)  and royal blue. I think Rey’s mask looks pretty cool but I’m still not sure what an adult would do with this item. Even for a child, it’s good for going to a WWE event (maybe twice a year) and Halloween. Even though the product is better and there’s quite a variety to choose from, it doesn’t seem worth it to me.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. I can’t believe that DX hasn’t shilled for this product on TV. She had the right idea to get me something warm and fuzzy to put on my feet in the cold weather. I don’t mind the neon green stripes on the sides of the top of the shoe but it seems like they could add a little bit more to not make them so black. The problem I always find that stitching letter comes undone easily and becomes hard to read which appears to be happening from the beginning. They’ll get some use so this is probably the best present she’s given me so far even if DX sucks.

I visited Amiens Cathedral in France, too bad this isn't my picture.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my imaginary love got for me, six Undertaker Deadman Skull Caps, five pair of Degeneration X slippers, four Rey Mysterio Camo Replica Masks, three Abyss Masks, two Sting Teddy Bears and one Sting Mask “Wall Art” in a pear tree. I think the Deadman Forever moniker is a little odd considering his frequent layoffs (rightfully so) and impending retirement (It’ll be sooner than later) but if they want to go with it because he’s already “dead” then so be it. The text is a take on gothic. The imagery behind the text is similar to Gothic architecture which is a nice touch. It fits his character so this is a home run product. It should keep me warm on my walks with my dogs.

Three days of TNA products then three days of WWE products, unfortunately my imaginary love is going to get me three more days of TNA products next. – Kevin

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