Headlines: Kurt Angle tears groin, Evolve/DGUSA make huge (read: small) announcement

According to Prowrestling.net, Kurt Angle tore his groin during his match at TNA Final Resolution this past Sunday. Important things to note here:

  • Angle turned 44 on Saturday. That doesn’t make him old, but that doesn’t make him young.
  • Angle continues to bang himself up – knees, hamstrings, groins – to the tune of a lot of money and to the delight of, what, 1,400 fans worldwide?
  • When we make fun of wrestlers being fragile, we compare them to Kevin Nash, because his injuries all seemed to happen in WWE. We ignore Kurt Angle, because he’s basically wrestling in Dixie Carter’s back yard, so it doesn’t count.

Angle tweeted that he’d wrestle through the injury because he is a “cyborg.” According to Wikipedia, one characteristic of a cyborg is that “Cyborgs in fiction often play up a human contempt for over-dependence on technology.” We all know Angle very much entrenched in his own fictional world (or, as I like to call it, full of shit), so this is in direct conflict with his over-dependence on the technology of Twitter. Time to close the account!

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Evolve announced Saturday at its iPPV, “18” ( :-S ) that it had a huge announcement: John Morrison and the Young Bucks are headed back to Evolve/DGUSA in 2013! Holy cotton balls! The money I didn’t spend on Evolve 18 almost cowered in my wallet out of fear that I might yank it out and plop it down on a PPV featuring three guys at a total combined weight of 412 pounds and a total combined skill level of Paul Roma.

No one outside Twitter or “Z True Long Island Story” has seen hide nor hair of John Morrison in six months (CWF SuperClash does not count), and the last notable thing the Young Bucks did was piss off Booker T, the nicest guy in wrestling. Here’s hoping the Internet doesn’t erupt when all 1,399 people order that show! -Eric

Gabe Sapolsky man-ragging about CM Punk, Daniel Bryan makes me think, “Who gives a f***?”

gabe sapolsky

Gabe Sapolsky: Portrait of a Man... who learned as much from Paul Heyman as he did from Tommy Dreamer and people who don't shower.

According to Prowrestling.net, DGUSA (yep, it’s still around) booker Gabe Sapolsky wrote a blog at the Heyman Hustle Web site, the topic being CM Punk and Daniel Bryan winning the only two titles in professional wrestling that count, and moral being that he was the genius who booked them first.

I had the privilege and good fortune to book both Punk and Bryan as Ring Of Honor World Champions. When both stood atop WWE Universe last night the only thought that came to mind was “F— YOU!!!!”

God, he’s so counter culture! AGE-OF-THEFALL! AGE-OF-THEFALL!

I believe in them because they have those special intangibles that separate the greats from the wannabes and the elite from the greats.

No note from Sapolsky as to who in Dragon Gate USA or EVOLVE these days has those special intangibles. And what apparently goes without saying is that there are wannabes (Brodie Lee, Chuck Taylor), there are greats (CIMA… yeah, CIMA), and there are the elite (guys who have moved onto WWE to win major championships and earn good money). Read between the lines, people. -Eric

Poor little booger: Jimmy Jacobs is sad

Found this one while surfing around on Twitter: Jimmy Jacobs turned the ol’ Flip camera on himself, but instead of singing brilliant but poorly mixed love songs to the sexified Lacey, he’s now crying about how he’s been a wrestler for 12 or 15 or whatever years and still can’t get a break. I come at this from two different directions. One, I don’t know what “kind” of wrestling I really like, and honestly, I don’t know if anyone *should* like one “kind” of wrestling (garbage, technical, brawling, high-flying, WWE, All Japan,,,). To me, wrestling is like music: No matter the genre, if it’s good, I’ll like it. That said, one of my absolute favorite matches I’ve ever seen live was the violent and bloody cage match between Jimmy Jacobs and (ugh) BJ Whitmer at Ring of Honor show in Detroit. The emotion, the gore, the gimmicks, and (yawn) the sacrifice was tremendous, and it’s one of the few matches I go back to watch on ROH DVDs anymore.

Two, the other side of this from which I come… quit comparing yourself to CM Punk, who clearly deserves everything he has achieved, and Alex Shelley, who has entertained his way to that 60-inch television, quit being a bitch, quit resting on the fact that you’ve wrestled since you were 15 and you think that somehow entitles you to something, and make a fucking money-drawing career for yourself.

Comments on this YouTube page debate whether or not this was a work. If it is, it’s a good but long-winded promo. If it’s not, well, buck up, little guy, strap on those fuzzy boots and sell your soul to TNA! Aunt Dixie’s got a warm apple pie and a multi-year contract waitin’ for ya. HUSS! HUSS! HUSS! -Eric

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