@RealDDP and @JakeSnakeDDT invite Scott Hall to Page’s successful sober house

I know our usual modus operandi here at Stunt Granny is to poke fun at pro wrestlers’ misgivings. It’s cathartic when you find out that your heroes are fallible. Kinda like the first time you beat your dad in basketball or learn to cook meth more efficiently than he does. I can’t in good conscience poke any fun at this. In fact, Jake Roberts and, hopefully, Scott Hall are the feel-good stories of the year thanks to Diamond Dallas Page. Spend 10 minutes watching this video. I come from a shitty small town in North Central Iowa where daily exercise includes four 3-minute rounds with your wife. I’ve heard people talk the way Scott Hall talks here. I’ve felt bad for people I know. I almost feel worse for this guy I don’t know. But I’m pleased that he’s agreeing to get help from Page, who has shown that he could help the once-unhelpable Roberts. I’m sure we’ll get regular check-ins on YouTube; let’s hope for the best. -Eric

Headlines: Beth Phoenix written off TV, Colt and Pearce besmirch NWA, DDP moves in with Jake Roberts

In news that has been brewing for months, according to Prowrestling.net (and according to watching WWE Monday Night Raw last night), Beth Phoenix has been written off TV, via an angle where she was fired by Whatever Type of General Manager Vickie Guerrero. Phoenix asked for and was granted her release a while back, so there really isn’t much to say other than good luck keeping Jeremy Maes away from you while you read your zombie comic books.

Also according to Prowrestling.net, Colt Cabana threw down his NWA “World” Title belt after beating Adam Pearce in the seventh of their best-of-seven series in a match in Australia. Since the NWA belt has been thrown down more times than Lilian Garcia, the real news here is that Colt Cabana and Adam Pearce were paid to travel to and wrestle in Australia. Not that they aren’t worth it, because they are (two of my top 10 draft pics, easily), but it shows how upside down these Aussies are, dropping that kind of coin on transportation and payoffs. Oy, was Rick Tick Tillah and Moykey McGongileydoo bof already booooked that noight? Nine hundred dollaridoos?? Ah, screw it, I’ll just have a cup of coffee…

Finally, according to Prowrestling.net, Diamond Dallas Page and Jake “The Snake” Roberts are working on a documentary where DDP helps Jake get in shape for one last run, employing DDP Yoga over an 8-week period. To ensure success, DDP has moved in with Jake, and Jake has agreed to regular drug testing throughout the filming. The filming will end when Jake’s landlord gets tired of seeing his coked-out ex-wrestler tenant being accompanied by a scummy 50-year-old man in a leather vest and tight Guess jeans and boots them both out. (Other punchlines include: “This video will resemble less a documentary on health and more a low-budget docudrama about the Village People,” and “These two guys could leave a ring around the Atlantic Ocean, so I hope Jake’s landlord has a Rug Hospital, not just the Doctor.” Eh, none of these were any good. I need to keep my day job. Oh, and click on this link for TWNP.com, which I assume stands for Talking to Women is Not a Problem for us, to see how well Jake’s workout regimen is going.) -Eric

Hulk Hogan, Dallas Page to butcher horror movie

I now see that this has been posted everywhere already today, but I completely stumbled upon it (through some piddly copy-and-paste site, found while I was Tweeting @hulkhogansbrain), so it’s new to me! And hey, the trailer was uploaded to YouTube in October 2009, so all of you other late bloomers can go screw. Anyway, Hulk Hogan and Diamond Dallas Page filmed a horror movie together called “Black River.” Read the entire synopsis here, or the gist of it here:

After several sleepless nights that lead to a long night of heavy drinking and a subsequent blackout, Clayton awakens the next morning to find his neighbor and her small child brutally murdered and the murder weapon inside his apartment.

Watching the trailer leads me to think this is a character sketch with the main character performed by Page, and judging by the clip, I have zero faith whatso-fucking-ever that he will do a good job with this. The “What did I do?” line alone ruins the whole thing. Hey, B-movie writers, no one talks to themselves like that! Page may be OK as a Rob Zombie lackey, but left to his poor choices we call devices, he could not possibly turn in a watchable performance. All I can think of that would save this flick is if Hulk Hogan played the FBI agent, and at the 90-minute mark he came rrrrumblin’ into Dallas Page’s apartment, clad in red and yellow and with “Real American” blaring in the background, while he legdrops everything in sight a la Emo Game 2.5 (he’s right under Fat He-Man). Otherwise, early recommendation: Avoid this stinker at all costs. -Eric

Movie news: Gorgeous George biopic, DDP/Danny Trejo flick expected

danny trejo

"Read my interview or I'll kill you."

What a weird (but awesome) place to find professional wrestling information: According to The AV Club, WWE Films is slated to film a biopic on recently inducted WWE Hall of Famer Gorgeous George, based on the book “Gorgeous George: The Outrageous Bad-Boy Wrestler Who Created American Popular Culture.”

The picture breaks McMahon’s odd, self-imposed code of never doing a film about wrestlers, an exception he made because of the unique historical impact George had—not only within the world of professional wrestling (which borrowed all of his flamboyance and outsized theatricality, and the idea that audiences love rooting against a bad guy almost more than rooting for the good guy), but well beyond it. Both Muhammad Ali and James Brown said that they based their boastful self-promotion on George, while a chance meeting with Bob Dylan (which he later wrote about in The Chronicles) gave the young singer “all the recognition and encouragement I would need for years.”

A big congrats to Vince & Co. for finally embracing pro wrestling history pre-Bruno Sammartino (or pre-Hulk Hogan, for that matter.)

Also according to The AV Club, Danny Trejo (soon to be of “Machete” fame, as well as almost 200 other roles) is set to star in “Vengeance,” a movie that takes its cue from the Charles Bronson “Death Wish” series, where Trejo plays a vigilante whose wife and kids were killed and who goes on a murderous rampage. And Diamond Dallas Page is in it!

DT: Remember I told you that I love Charles Bronson? Charles Bronson was doing movies called Death Wish, where they kill his family and he becomes a vigilante. That is basically the storyline: They kill my wife and daughter, and I take revenge, vengeance, on criminals. I kill people that are jaywalking.

AVC: Really? Is it a comedy?

DT: No, no, no. It’s a really serious vigilante flick.

AVC: And 50 Cent and Jason Mewes are in it?

DT: 50 Cent, Jason Mewes, Diamond Dallas Page, Donal Logue, Baby Bash, Tech Nine, Houston Alexander, and Rashad Evans. We’ve got some monsters in it.

So yeah, good for Diamond Dallas Page, who worked with Trejo on the Rob Zombie film “The Devil’s Rejects.” The Trejo interview is really good, and it makes me wonder if meeting DDP would turn the new old softy from a life of boxing to a routine of Yoga for Regular Guys. -Eric

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