Kevin’s Blog: Almost Live, Definitely Half Assed Review of #WWE #Raw

undertaker-buried-alive

Never a good day to go to a funeral. No one is coming back after months of resting an injury. That’s all she wrote man. Profound, huh? I’m not so I’m not going to pretend. Enjoy your time here. I’ll feel a little bit better after mocking the WWE for about three hours. Let’s roll.

Vince McMahon starts the show. He’s kind of got a Joker like suit on. Paul Heyman comes dressed for a fight. I love the people in the front row clapping about the Romo joke. Brock Lesnar shows up again. HHH shows up with a buzz cut. You need to have HHH win and he does. Predictable stuff.

Dolph Ziggler is taking on Ryback. Big E Langston & AJ Lee are at ring side. I’ve been on the phone the whole segment. It has not changed how much I taped. Big E comes into play. It doesn’t matter though. Loss 1 million for Ziggler.

CM Punk tells us tonight is about him. I’m even starting to tune out him. Donald Trump is the newest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame.

I’m off the phone but completely uninterested in Mark Henry vs the Great Khali XX. We get it, Henry can World’s Strongest Slam Khali. The Marine III looks terrible. If that’s the best you can do, stop trying.

Miz TV is next with Zeb Colter & Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rio & Ricardo Rodriguez. It goes as expected. I was explaining Swagger to Baby Momma Drama so I missed the specifics. Whatever.

Randy Orton takes on Antonio Cesaro. Let’s see if I can type more than two sentences about it. RKO out of nowhere because Orton needs to beat an up and comer just to keep his quasi-main event status. He’s got no direction right now. Brad Maddox & Vickie Guerrero talk Daniel Bryan & Kane into a match with the Prime Time Players. Not their best work. Team Brickie does have a nice ring to it. This JBL/John Cena commercial is pretty funny. They have the perfect people in the roles.

Sheamus is out to give us his Oscar snubs. Thanks for helping to get us some extra hits for mentions of unrelated material. Oh, it’s funny man Sheamus plugging the movie Barrett is in for five seconds. This is bombing. Wade Barrett is here to save us. He did well but didn’t blow me away.

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WWE WrestleMania buyrates down, other PPVs up a smidge

WrestleMania 23

If you squint really hard, and turn the camera around 180 degrees, you can see us!

According to Prowrestling.net, WWE released its pay-per-view numbers for the first quarter of 2010, and while the Royal Rumble scored higher this year than in 2009 (462,000 vs. 450,000), and the Elimination Chamber PPV that replaced No Way Out improved upon its predecessor’s number (285,000 vs. 272,000), WrestleMania 26 was down almost 100,000 views from WrestleMania 25 (885,000 vs. 975,000).

(Side note: WrestleMania 24, with the Ric Flair retirement match and Floyd Mayweather as a special attracton, drew 1,058,000 buys, while WrestleMania 23, featuring Donald Trump as a guest celebrity, pulled in 1.2 million buys. I’m glad WWE’s profits continue to rise despite buyrates and TV ratings sliding.)

Let’s do some 20/20 hindsight-type stuff here: This says to me that Bret Hart was not the draw WWE hoped he’d be; Edge not catching fire as a babyface might have hurt his draw; not capitalizing on a hot heel Batista vs. an always-popular Cena (in favor of and alongside the — truth be told well-done — Hart-McMahon feud) was a mistake; not having Triple H and Randy Orton in marquee match-ups may have been short-term mistakes (but helpful in the long term, possibly); and in my opinion the Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker retirement stipulation seemed very rushed in a desperate move to squeeze out a few more buys and didn’t seem to work. Now granted, McMahon may have had a point during a recent shareholders meeting when he suggested that just as many eyeballs saw WrestleMania this year but because of “communal” WrestleMania parties, the buyrate went down. Heck, I watched the PPV at the apartment of a friend, in a room full of people I’d never met in my life, because I didn’t want to spend $55 or whatever it was to watch it myself, so rather than lay the blame on shaky booking, I could blame Wes for buying the PPV, Ben for inviting me over and that dude with the dreads for not installing a second satellite dish in their pad. Oh well, thanks anyway, you guys, but I think Vince wants us to break up the shindig next year. -Eric

Bobby Lashley signs with TNA, Dixie makes “Happy 1.3!” banner

Heeeey, Kristal baby, were going to Orlando, is that OK?

"Heeeey, Kristal baby, we're going to Orlando, is that OK?"

According to Prowrestling.net, former WWE superstar and WrestleMania quasi-main eventer Bobby Lashley has signed with TNA. This comes three months after Lashley’s appearance at TNA Lockdown, and the collective wrestling world has been sitting in the middle of its seat with unbaited breath and practically still with lack of excitement to see what Lashley’s next move would be. Dixie Carter said this about the signing:

We are excited to have him join TNA, he is a true star that brings so much to the table as a member of our roster.

Bobby Lashley is hardly a true star. He got virtually no rub from the Donald Trump-Vince McMahon angle, and while I don’t follow the MMA world with a spy kit, I can say with some confidence that people aren’t climbing over each other to buy tickets to see him fight. So be as excited as you want, but Lashley will bring pretty much nothing at all to the table as a member of your thousand-person roster. -Eric

Stunt Granny Audio #46

Bring Da Noise!

Bring Da Noise!

Well, we are back again and bringing more noise in Stunt Granny Audio #46. This time around the boys, Kevin and Jeremy, discuss all manner of WWE related business. They concentrate on the differences between Smackdown and Raw mainly and how one show can be far superior to the other. They delve a tad in to the Trump mess and how none of it made a lick of sense and not just to them. They also talk about the hierarchy of both shows and how one clearly has the business in mind instead of personal gains. There is also a discussion of just why Triple H got so close to Randy Orton at the end of Raw and how this could happen on a PG television show. There is more but like we say; you gotta listen to hear it all.

Stunt Granny Audio Show #46

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